Someone Better or Nothing at All

Have you ever experienced losing your loved ones? I have. I lost one of my older sisters to an accident and I was old enough to suffer from a great condolence. Some people lost their families when they were still an infant. Does the feeling still consider the same? But they won’t suffer as much because they barely knew the people who leave them behind. There were five, now it becomes just the four of us. We lost the middle child, the barrier between the rulers and the followers, and she was always the wisest among all of us. I was supposed to be the rebel in the house, but she always reminded me that I have to be a good example for the youngest brother. If I kept acting reckless, who would watch him when I was the only person left in the house.

Two of our oldest siblings had already been married and she was one step closer to graduation and leaving me in charge of becoming the oldest child. Yes, she did leave me in charge but why did she have to leave me so far away and a little bit too soon? She did not say she would leave for good! It’s no fair that nobody knew.
But with her leaving all of us, it taught the four of us to be more grateful for each other’s company. She brought us closer and she made us understand truely about the love of a family. We become more giving to one another and I can feel the presence of God among us whenever we are together during Christmas. God brings her along on this special day and we become whole again every once in a year.
I become more responsible with my actions. When I was still naive, I used to be so mad to everyone all the time. But she taught me how to forgive and to accept fate. People are still hurting me from every corner of my life, but then I will always remember the smile on her face. I thought I would cope in sadness for too long and that my life would be ruined. But look at me now…by accepting fate and forgiving all the guilts in this world I am standing still and tall in places I thought I would never be, receiving achievements that I thought was just for people who have not through enough pains to get there, and my life goals are crossed out one by one.
The lost of someone you love can be two things, I know it is an ugly experience and a deathly pain, but you can be either someone better or nothing at all. When you lost someone important in your life, God is teaching you to be ready for anything at all whether you like it or not.

Copycat

The long ombre hair, the vibrant matte lips, bohemian kind of clothes, and round white-framed glasses. It is like I am looking in a mirror. The differences are that she is six cm shorter than me, more slender, and not prettier than most women. What she says is what I said, all the things she does are what I did in public, but whatever she feels will not be the same feelings that I have. She can copy me or either way. But my life will always be mine and she can never take it for granted. If she can copy me but still cannot be me, what’s the fun?

How Not to Hate Your Life

“How not to hate your life”

Here are some tips how not to hate your life.

  1. Do the things that you love : Remember, this is very different with “love what you do” because it is forcing you to be happy when you are not. Everything is always bad when it is being forced. It is not hard to do what you love, just simply do what you want to do and you are basically going to be the happiest person. But before you make your decision, you get to think of the consequences. Everything has its own risk and it needs your full responsibilities. I am going to give an easy example if you love cheesy fries and you crave for them every day and for every meal, you have to think for yourself what will cheesy fries do to your health if you eat them 3x in a day. If you love singing and want to be a singer, you know tongues are the best judges of all. How criticism will affect your mental health. You have to think for the long term. I love writing. Of course, I have to think about the consequences, the responsibilities that I cannot get away from.
  2. Do what you are good at when it comes to making money : You know you are good at Graphic Design, you should make money from it. There are ways, maybe you should consider applying for a job as a Graphic Designer or you can make your own business over it. Yet, this can be challenging. Maybe there will come a day when you are so effed by looking at your computer screen, squinting your eyes to make a perfectly straight line, or making the most eye-catching brochure. Well, everybody will be there soon enough because that means you are just doing the right thing.
  3. Do / Be what your heart desires : If your heart tells you to be a clown, so be it, if your heart tells you to go to the mall so do it. Even though sometimes your heart wants something strange, follow it! Trust me you will feel accomplished and at least you are happy and on the right path. If you feel like exercising, go hit the gym, go on a jog, or whatever. But if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to. Nobody forces you to (unless you’re on a program).
  4. Find reasons why you are doing it : Now if you know what to do and to be, find your reasons why you should follow what your heart desire. If you want to resign from your current job, find your reasons why. If you think your job is not giving you what you need like challenges or enough salary that you deserve, then why not? You are worth more than that. Or if you want to break up with your significant other, find a reason why. Is it because he/she cheating on you and you don’t want to give them any last chance? Or maybe because you feel like you are in a destructive relationship that is going nowhere and you feel like you are just wasting time with him/her? Fine, end whatever that needs to be as long as you have the right reason why.
  5. Have enough rest : If you are having a very hectic week, schedule at least one day from your weekend to take a full day rest. Just do nothing and be lazy for a day, it won’t kill your brain cells and make you become stupid or unproductive. Wake up late, stay in your bed for 18 hours, call for a pizza delivery, binge watch Netflix all day, or read a very good novel, maybe you don’t even have to take a shower (at least brush your teeth).
  6. Go have a day / night out : Don’t lock yourself in the same places every day. Office – home – office – home. Take one day of your weekend to go out, have a nice lunch, go on a picnic, or go shopping, or maybe you can visit pubs on Friday night if you have already scheduled for a rest on Saturday, or you can go out for dinner in a cozy restaurant on a Wednesday night.
  7. Keep in touch with your old friends : Arrange for a meet up with some old friends, catch up what has been left, talk about those good old days.
  8. Go on a date with your so : Haven’t been in any fun and romantic activities with your so because of that loaded paperwork? Have a spontaneous date night. Maybe on Monday night, to ease the next four days, ask your so to go on a fancy dinner or movie date. You don’t have wait for a celebration to go fancy dining, there will always be something to be celebrated for, your relationship, your children, your job that you love, anything. Or you want to cook at home and make something special? Put on those scented candles, spice it up a bit in the bedroom after home-cooked fancy dinner, just forget that weekend is still a long way to go.
  9. Surround yourself with the people who are grateful for your well-being : That means those people need you and they love having you to be around them. Surround yourself with these kinds of people, you will appreciate yourself more then.
  10. Be grateful : God loves those who are grateful. Being grateful that means you are accepting whole heartedly of what God has given you. It is like giving someone a birthday present and seeing them happy and thankful, you feel like you want to give them more. So, don’t forget to be grateful.

Billie Eilish – idontwannabeyouanymore


Don’t be that way
Fall apart twice a day
I just wish you could feel what you say
Show, never tell
But I know you too well
Kind of mood that you wish you could sell

If teardrops could be bottled
There’d be swimming pools filled by models
Told “that tight dress is what makes you a whore”
If “I love you” was a promise
Would you break it, if you’re honest
Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard before
I don’t wanna be you anymore

Hands getting cold
Losing feeling’s getting old
Was I made from a broken mold
Hurt, I can’t shake
We’ve made every mistake
Only you know the way that I break

If teardrops could be bottled
There’d be swimming pools filled by models
Told “that tight dress is what makes you a whore”
If “I love you” was a promise
Would you break it, if you’re honest
Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard before
I don’t wanna be you
I don’t wanna be you
I don’t wanna be you anymore

“There is something about you,” she said in the bathroom. I just came out of the cubicle to wash my hands and to fix my hair.
“Excuse me?” I asked in a complete utter surprise.
“I can see it in your eyes.” she could not take her sight off of me.
“What exactly is that if I may know?” as I smiled politely.
“Pain,” she said suddenly narrowing her eyes.
I did not say anything because I was too shocked that she could see through me. I do feel sad and so much in pain today, but I have not told any body. I have been pondering all day, is it because of my supervisor who is a total pain in the ass or is it because I am brought back to the memories of my dark days?
“Your eyes, they reflect pain. It is like you are unhappy and you are still holding on to something. You still can’t accept the torment that someone had given you, you still can’t… is it forgive or forget?” she said still studying my face.
“How do you…” I almost ran out of the bathroom, but my hair was half done.
“Darling, you have such a beautiful face. But your eyes, I can see so much pain in you! Whatever happened in the past, you have to let it go.”
“Well…” I was almost telling her the story behind everything but contemplating.
“Can you see this?” pointing to her eyes. “This is what exhaustion looks like. But every time when I see you, that sadness in your eyes, they never fade. It is a pity because you are a pretty girl.”
“Maybe it is just because today is a bad day for me.”
“I hope so,” she said while walking away out of the bathroom. “I do really hope it is only today. Don’t be sad all the time, let your bautiful face glistens with all the happiness. So people can enjoy seeing how pretty you are.”
I was still standing inside the bathroom, with the water still running from the faucet, I felt so naked. I have never felt so naked in front of a stranger before. I am not the best poker face player in this universe. But I wish somehow, I have a thick mask to cover up the draining energy out of my eyes.
I just wish that there is someone out there waiting for me to let him put on the mask right to my face and stick it there forever.

The Unexpected

There are two kinds of people on this planet;

  1. The one who’s expecting the unexpected
  2. The one who just lets the unexpected happens

I am both, I guess. I chase opportunities. But when they take some times, I usually back away slowly but leave my whole heart on the way hoping it will come again. Then boom, the unexpected happens when I am almost losing all hopes. I don’t know what God has planned, but mostly He writes my story with so much minor plot twists. They twirl my world a little bit too much in here and there, making a small hurricane without the storm.

You can imagine how much the life of a 22 year old has gone up and down. It fluctuates every five minutes. One minute she feels lucky, the next minute she is attacked by the series of unfortunate events. It can be anything! From the moment she opens her eyes and even before she takes the first breath, something will change quickly. Maybe she gets a text from a cute guy blessing her morning, or maybe even a break up text.

One night, the haunting hour has not yet passed by. The phone in my hand kept ding-ing with the multiple texts from three people at the same time. One text full of jokes, gossips, and curses. The other text full with recalling back happy memories. The last text full with one-sided arguments and recriminations.

I cried and then laughed. Then when there were spare times away from them, I’m brooding. Looking up at the ceiling, staring at the flowery beam around the lamp, thinking I might end one of the conversations, having enough plot twists for one night. The texts of jokes, gone without closure. The texts with memories, never been opened since. So I decided to finish the arguments instead, anyway I never like it to sleep with a head full of thoughts.

A small plot twist. The arguments turned into my breaking point where I no longer believe in the future. One thing that flipped it upside down, the proof of a chance to find a long lost human being that was once my whole world but a tornado blew him away. One future closing up, another one coming in ahead. Maybe, just a 0.50% maybe because it had to get through a bumpy road up and down some hills.

Another small plot twist. The arguments continued without ending, even after ignoring seemed ruthless. A small pop-out on my screen turned the frown right-side-up, creating a heat that caused blush. In a single click, I know what I had to do! To make more plot twist, but this one was the biggest of all. The major one and I knew my life would change forever. I threw away the only toxic in my life and I could feel a load of burdens lifted up from my chest. If you are a woman, you would probably know how it feels. You know that feeling of freedom and relieve when you finally take off your bra after 12 hours? I know right?!

Then, yes I took small and careful steps to take the risk. I am not the kind of person who is scared of being alone. I rarely crave for a relationship, I am the other wise. I always have been in chains longing for liberty. But I still considered gambling to win the war I had lost once, seven years ago. I have had taken the same chance when God cracked open the door a little, but my move was reckless and aimless. I hit the door instead of entering, he was gone again by the time I stood back up. Then, I waited… waited… until God opened the door big enough for me to slip in smoothly.

“Hey, how are you? It’s been so long since the last time we talked.” 

I knew it, waiting patiently would finally make everything worth in the end. God is opening so many doors and behind each of them are the plot twists you can make your own self. Big and small. The biggest plot twist in my entire life (yet), the return of a missing human being. It sounds simple, but if you know how I had lost all of my hopes but still leaving my whole heart with that person, this is a triumph almost like a lifetime achievement. Well, because it takes a lifetime for me to be able to reach for it. Once I have it in my hands, it will always remain there.

So, hold on to the unexpected. Hold on to your dreams. When you almost lose all hopes, back away a little, slowly, but if you think your heart belongs there then leave it somewhere along the way. Someday it will find the way back to you along with the dreams you almost gave up on.

Be both kind of person. Expect and let it happens when the time comes.

Young in Love

 


[verse 1]
I used to think it’s funny
How you go from black to white
And now I think it’s funny
Where are you tonight?
Just a boy with a knife
You were staring right at my heart
So you make a start
Just as i’m making it

[pre-Chorus]
(did you forget) that you opened up to her
(did you forget) that you opened up to her

[Chorus]
Cause we once were in love
And I once was all yours
We were once young, we were once young
We were once young, we were once young in love
In love, in love, in love

[verse 2]
You are a mean boy
Lucky you keep mostly to yourself
You didn’t want to be kind or accept any help
Dark is the color of your heart
Is that why you locked it up?

[pre-Chorus]
(did you forget) that you opened up to her
(did you forget) that you opened up to her

[Chorus]
Cause we once were in love
And I once was all yours
We were once young, we were once young
We were once young, we were once young in love
In love, in love, in love

[bridge]
So bad, so sad
Ain’t nobody ever coming back
So bad, so sad
Ain’t nobody ever fallin’ in love
In love, in love, in love

Cause we once were in love
And I once was all yours
Cause we once were in love
And I once was all yours

Persevere, my friends!

What makes a person happy? Define happy!
What do you think a happiness means? Is eating your favorite food a happiness? Is sleeping early after a long day a happiness? Is working in a company with high salary a happiness? Once again, define what happiness means!
For me, happiness is when you are living your life the way it is supposed to be. Do you understand what I am saying?
Living is easy, but surviving is a different kind of matter. If you think your life is what you define happy, are you doing what you love? or are you just being grateful? Being grateful is important, but if you do it just to love what you do, you are not happy. At all.
People sometimes say, “I am happy with my life and I am grateful for what I have right now.” Yeah, by that it means there are still things in your life you wish to fulfill but you can’t because you stop reaching for it somehow to be grateful. Be grateful, but do not stop reaching for things you want to achieve and how you want to live your life.
It is easy for me to say that while I am still not happy with my own life, I know. How can I even say this such thing? Because I am trying so hard to get my life together.
Why am I not happy with my life? Maybe because I am not living in grace? NO! I am grateful that God still gives me so many opportunitiies to take, to give so many second chances, to help me through my depression. But do you even question why God still offers that many opportunities for you to take? Because God believes that you can lead yourself into what you called happiness by yourself. In the end, all the choices are for you to make.
If you are a fresh graduate, take some times off from the outside world. Give yourself a little credit, or in other word a reward, after wasting your sleep for 12 years! Take naps, take trips to anywhere you want, go to the beach or go camping, stay home all day or all week finish that tv series you have been wanting to watch, stay up all night scrolling through your instagram feed or binge watch Netflix, read a Trilogy, wake up very late that you miss your breakfast and it becomes a routine not to have one, exercise as much as you want (it is time to get your shape back!), take classes like cooking class or Spanish or anything really, basically do all the things you can before you go back to ruining your life. Once you go back to having morning – night routines every five days in a week, you will never be truely enjoying more of your years. Youth is far beyond your reach and you will never get it back. People say, “Ah youth, you’re still 20 something, you are still young and free.” YOUNG AND FREE? Who are you calling young and free? I can only see a destitute human being who hates her life. Yeah well, age does not lie but the experience in your life does. I am still 22 (soon will be 23. Yikes!), with small figures like a 15 year old (some part of my body won’t grow along the biological infancy of a human being), but I’m dressed by the Law of maturity looking like I am a 30 year old woman, living my life daily like a 40 year old. Really, on the inside I am screaming to put on those ripped jeans everyday with my knackered converse and hanging out with friends at the beach with my H&M two piece.
But remember, you know it won’t last forever. You can’t always have fun without income. Unless, you know how to make money by doing really nothing at all, then sure why not!
Give yourself a time limit. 3 months – 1 year would be enough. By the time you are resting from reality, you will figure out what you want to do, who you want to be, and what kind of action you must take next. You will plan out a whole future ahead of you under your own command.
The mistake people often make is that once they graduate University, they go straight to focus on applying for a job (any kind really) that they nearly forget about their own mental health. Those vacant days of theirs are filled with stress and burdens for not having a job, they forget to fill them with some fun. They are often jealous watching their friends sitting in front of a computer all day thinking about vacation with a proper sleep and rest, hey those with no jobs still can have the opportunities that all the employed friends desire! Enjoy while it lasts!
Now, onto the employed and lifeless friends. Are you really okay with your job? Are you really enjoying your Monday? If you already hate a Monday, that means you are not okay with your job. If you are already complaining on Saturday night thinking that tomorrow is your last chance to have a rest or hang out, you should think twice to stay in your job. Consider taking another chance to have your life planned out but you still can enjoy it. Here is what you have to ask yourself, “How not to hate Mondays?” because if you can start to embrace just one day, the rest of the days will not be a problem.
I have friends both who hate their jobs and who love their jobs. Me? HAHA I am in the category of ‘Those Who are in Identity Crisis’ I will not lie, I truly deeply honestly hate my job. But I don’t complain as much as I used to (my first mistake is that I am just like all of those fresh graduates who are too eager to cut off youth in order to grow up so fast).
I realize that people who hate their job but they stay anyway are the kind of people with this mind, “I have to stay in this job if I want to survive!” it is all about money. You can always find money, but your own sanity is more important. My friends who love their jobs, I still cannot relate to them. I envy each and every one of them to talk about how their jobs are hard but worth the fight. The boss that is so nice you can’t possibly hate him or her. The colleagues that you always hang out with every night after work and on weekends and never really talk about how shitty their job is. I want that kind of feeling and experience, when they wake up every morning with a little a smile and a little bit of joy to survive another day. I want to be blessed, too.
My friends who hate their jobs, those I can easily relate too. Some of them have already quitted, some of them still stuck. We have the same opportunity to change our lives, from little scraps like finding a good job that will fit. I just realize, that those who are not enjoying things at work are the people who live under someone’s expectation but still push more. Persevere, my friends. Take all the opportunities you can get, improve, and just do what you love. Live your life well. If you hate your job, just quit! Don’t stress yourself so much. If you find no reason to stay, then why are you still reading this in front of your computer screen stealthily so that your boss will not find out you have been procrastinating your work?! Go out there, find your life purpose, find your happiness, find yourself! Be happy. Do not let anything or anyone hold you back.
Good luck!

Billie Eilish – Bored

Billie Eilish – Bored


The games you played were never fun
You’d say you’d stay but then you’d run

Giving you what you’re begging for
Giving you what you say I need
I don’t want any settled scores
I just want you to set me free
Giving you what you’re begging for
Giving you what you say I need, say I need

I’m not afraid anymore
What makes you sure you’re all I need?
Forget about it
When you walk out the door and leave me torn
You’re teaching me to live without it
Bored, I’m so bored, I’m so bored, so bored

I’m home alone, you’re God knows where
I hope you don’t think that shit’s fair

Giving you all you want and more
Giving you every piece of me
But I will never can afford
I just want you to love for free
Can’t you see that I’m getting bored?
Giving you every piece of me, piece of me

I’m not afraid anymore
What makes you sure you’re all I need?
Forget about it
When you walk out the door and leave me torn
You’re teaching me to live without it
I’m so bored, I’m so bored, so bored

Giving you what you’re begging for
Giving you what you say I need
I don’t want any settled scores
I just want you to set me free
Giving you what you’re begging for
Giving you what you say I need, say I need

I’m not afraid anymore
What makes you sure you’re all I need?
Forget about it
And when you walk out the door and leave me torn
You’re teaching me to live without it

November 9

November 9 by Colleen Hoover

This is my very first book review and my first Colleen Hoover’s book. I’ve seen people reading her books everywhere, but I don’t know somehow I hadn’t read one. When I bought this book, I read the little description behind it. It didn’t give me that curiosity I usually feel when I pick books. But I bought it because I hadn’t read the famous Colleen Hoover’s book.

Okay now onto the book.

What interests me from this book is that the two characters, Ben and Fallon. Why? Because Fallon is a lot like me; insecure about all things mostly about her physical looks, unconfident, always underestimate herself, and her head that is full of ‘what if’ questions. Maybe her character relates to so many girls in this world. And that is what makes her special, what makes this book is worth reading.

Ben. He is sweet, sometimes can be too cocky and blunt. But that is what I like about him. He reminds me of someone I know, I care about too. Okay, I’ll stop being personal here. Ben is so unexpected, or maybe he is too predictable. I don’t know. He can be both. He is smart. Fallon is smart too. They both are. But Ben always has his ways to outsmart Fallon, from the way he talks, the way he defends himself when Fallon starts to accuse him being all wrong.

The only part that I don’t fancy is the beginning of this book. I don’t want to give away the piece of the story because it will be a spoiler. But, really if there is someone who dares to do that unexpected thing like what Ben did in the beginning of the book, seems like impossible. I mean, it is not a smooth opening for a romance book. It is just too easy, too instant.

I could already predict the end of the story, like who actually Ben is in the beginning. But I had no idea that the story would have such a plot twist like that. I mean, IT WAS JUST AWSOME.

My MOST FAVORITE part in this book is, of course the romance itself! When Ben and Fallon are so in love they can’t be separated! I love how they’re connection is just so…..real. Like I could feel what Fallon feels when they fall in love with each other, when the uncertainty is always in the middle on their way, when they have fights and doubts, but when they’re sure about each other that what touches me the most!

I smiled the whole way through the very last page of this book. Ben and Fallon. They’re just like every other relationship in this world.

I even thought about doing the same thing, like Ben and Fallon do. One day, every year, for maybe a year because I’ll be 23 this year. So, yeah…….

I don’t know….. I can’t really express what I’m thinking about this book. Like no words can really describe anything about this book.

I love Colleen Hoover! I’m addicted to her books now….