Throwback (2000’s)

It’s time for some throwback!

I love music. I have always been into music probably since I was born because my dad used to be a musician and he plays music wherever and whenever he can. He introduced me to my first music from the 80’s and he still listens to them until now. If you ever ride with my dad, he still has that CD and FlashDisk (once upon a time they were cassette tapes). I remembered him playing so many Phil Collins, Elton JohnRichard Marx, The Roxette, Air Supply, Michael Bolton, Marc Anthony, Toni Braxton, All-4-One, and his all-time-fave Kenny G (have I mentioned that he collected all of his records?) and this one Kenny G song always plays in his car ‘Songbird’ and this one song that still in his playlist with Songbird, ‘Careless Whisper’ by George Michael. Every time I listen to those songs, the first thing that pops out in my head is the smell of my dad’s car (it will always smell the same since I was born even though he changes cars quite a lot), his presence, and driving with him in a pouring rain (don’t ask me why because I have no explanation why). I love you, Papa! Thanks for introducing me to music since I was born.

Moving on…

Then growing up, my mom introduced me to (mostly boybands because she is one of Westlife’s biggest fans and she had a huge crush on Mark Freehily) pop music. I remember my older sister and me collected cassette tapes of Backstreet Boys, Westlife, *NSYNC, Madonna, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera (since around 2000, Christina Aguilera has always been my idol until now) and etc.

But my sister and I could finally explore music on our own when we were ten and eight.

Then, I started to dig deeper into music and started to watch MTV more often. In 2005, I started to love Pop Rock/Alternative Rock music. We listened to Good Charlotte, Muse, Simple Plan, Evanescence, and Linkin Park, MCR, and etc.

So I am going to share with you the ‘Playlist of My Life Millennium Edition’;

  1.  Britney Spears – Sometimes (this is my and my sister’s favorite song. I was 6 and she was 8, we used to sing this wherever we go and we used to play the music video before bed)
  2. t.A.T.u – Not Gonna Get Us and All About Us, (does anyone else know this Russian duo?),
  3. Good Charlotte – I Just Wanna Live (I still remember singing and dancing crazily to this song with my sister. Such good times)
  4. Hoobastank – The Reason
  5. Simple Plan – Untitled (this song makes me sad)
  6. Muse – Unintended (this song always makes me cry since 2000), and Sing For Absolution
  7. Maroon 5 – Sunday Morning (of course I have to include Maroon 5, I mean come on!)
  8. Lily Allen – Smile (we loved the music video!)
  9. Linkin Park – Leave Out All The Rest and What I’ve Done
  10. James Blunt – Beautiful (classic!)
  11. Secondhand Serenade – Fall For You (I started to love Secondhand Serenade already as a teenager if 13 years old is considered a teen)
  12. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Dani California
  13. Eminem – When I’m Gone (this song shatters my heart)
  14. *NSYNC – This I Promise You
  15. The Killers – Mr. Brightside

There are still so many of them, but let me just share 15 of them for now on. I was such a dark muse when I was a kid LOL

Share with me your own Millennium Playlist 🙂

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For You

Dear You,

I have noticed that since I took down the link to my blog from all my social media platforms, apparently somebody who lives in my country has been looking up for the link using the search engines. I don’t usually get readers using ‘search engines’ I mean you know what it means? Someone really typed down the link to my blog using google! And only several people know it…even my best friends sometimes still need me to send them the link or still go through my Instagram’s bio. It’s not like it would appear when you type down my full name on Google.

No, it’s okay… I am actually flattered you would go through Google just to find my blog and read it. I mean, that’s what my blog is for. To be read by other people.

I am an opened person, a Liberalist, and I don’t know either I’m a realist or Idealist because I apparently can be both. Anyway…

Some people closest to me will know that I usually write everything I feel at that moment on my blog. It can be in the form of poems, short story through a third person, or motivational writing. But wait, I don’t always write about my own feeling or experience, I also write about someone else’s. So, my readers would sometimes misinterpret them as ‘what the writer has gone through’. No, for the record you actually will have no idea whose story I am writing about.

Hey, you guys…

I don’t know what you guys are looking for in my blog, but you have been checking it several times these past few weeks. I am so fascinated by the work of WordPress because I can track my readers! God… can this digital era be anymore greater (or probably scarier) than it is today?!

Whoever you are, my best friend, or somebody who used to be someone special in my past, or someone that has a crush on me, or the guy that I have a crush on (hey, there… you, yeah you…give me a smile already!), or probably my crush that feels the same way about me (who knows that this feeling is mutual after all), or the person that hates me, or the person who feels threatened by my existence, or probably someone who just loves my writting (THANK YOU FOR READING… I appreciate it so much! I mean it…). I hope all my writings can inspire you, can help you and guide you through something, or I hope you can find a bit of information about my life that you keep missing out (because I have a reason why I don’t want you to keep up with it). At least, I know someone is reading my blog, am I right? Just so you know, I usually post on Thursday at random times, 4 Thursdays a month, so if you find the fifth Thursday in a month, please know I will probably not post anything. Or at least, I am trying to!

Hey, you…

Found what you have been looking for?

 

 

 

La Vie est Belle

Life is beautiful.

See the colors of nature,

hear the sound of the wind,

feel the warmth of the sun.

Life in pink.

Love is everywhere,

open your eyes,

look around you.

Love brings you life.

Love gives you soul.

Love is beautiful.

When life is full of love,

it will be a lot more beautiful,

then coping inside your own dark clouds.

You can see,

that life is beautiful if you have love.

“La vie est une fleur dont l’amour est le miel.” – Victor Hugo

How to handle your anxiety?

Anxiety.

It is a feeling of fear, worry, anger, sadness, disappointment on oneself and people in life. This all-in-one feeling will come attacking you during unexpected hours and in unexpected places. With a little bit of cold sweat and heartbeat racing inside your chest, making your lungs suffocate and impossible to grasp for air. Your pupils will expand and sometimes you will also experience nausea.

When the anxiety comes, you’re never alone. Even though you are hiding under the blanket in the dark or while driving back home from work, there will always be ‘the other’ you. You will be haunted by thoughts that have been haunting you for so long or sometimes your head is clear but you will hear voices of yourself saying all the negative things you didn’t do in the past. Blaming you, consuming yourself into another demon. Panic attack.

You will start to be frantic all of a sudden. You can cry. You can shout. You can shield both your ears with anything, but those thoughts and voices will still be there with you. You keep denying. You push them away as hard as you can. You put a huge barrier around. Until there is nothing you can do, but let them come and kill you off. Again. Once they are gone, you will be exhausted like you were running a marathon but really all you did was nothing but hoping they might stop. But wait, they will return and you will always try to fight them.

How did you know?

Anxiety has always been my enemy since two years ago.

What causes anxiety?

Anything, really. Situations. Environment. Society. Politics. Religion (that sometimes is related to politics). Economy. Human beings.

Sometimes another human being can be the most dangerous predator than animals.

This will be my first time opening up about my anxiety or GAD.

I am not exactly sure yet about having a GAD, but I have the qualified symptoms. I have been contemplating about going to psychiatrist or anyone for help really. But here is the thing, I have never gone. Why? Because I am scared of the truth and to be honest I am a little embarrassed. My biggest mistake. I needed help. I have only been talking to my closest friends that I trust the most, that I think my ‘secret’ will be safe with them. But they can’t always help me through all these panic attacks because they have no experience in handling people like me. They only can help me by providing great pieces of advice that sometimes I rebuff even though I know they are right because anxiety will never let you be normal.

Here is a little of the story of my anxiety.

I never really realized I had it until one night this huge and unbearable panic attack came. I have experienced a nervous breakdown before, like when I was about to talk in front of a bunch of people, but it was never really this severe. It was late at night, I was having insomnia as usual whenever I thought I was fine but actually, I was having anxiety inside my head but always denied it, I was listening to some music while playing Buzzfeed quiz (by the way, this is fun you know). There was nothing wrong, yeah I had some bad thoughts inside my head but I didn’t let them get into me by using my headphones and setting the volume quite high (kids, this is dangerous if you do this very often). My heart started to beat faster and cold sweats started falling down my neck. I was suffocating and my heart jolted several times making my chest hurt.

I was lying on my bed inside my room alone, in the dark, but everything became the opposite. Like I was in the middle of crowds, in a blaring light.

I started to panic. These demons, these thoughts started to get into my head because my power had been weakened and the music faded even when the headphones were still in their place.

“It was your fault he cheated on you!”

“You were never good enough for him, that’s why he left!”

“You are nothing compared to other girls! You’re not thin enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re weak, you’re just a piece of trash!”

“He never loved you! He even confessed he regretted dating you in the first place…you know what is worse? when he said it to the girl that you will never be able to compete! You should be ashamed!”

“You let all those bad things ruined your life in the first place and you never did anything about it, it’s your fault that your life is worthless!”

“You will never fit in anywhere!”

“You’re a fool! That is why they know you’re an easy prey to kill!” 

“People hate you. Nobody likes you because you’re too much to handle.”

“Stop making dramas out of nothing!”

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DID EVERYTHING I DID! as I screamed to my own self.

I cried and cried, I kept blaming myself. Until I no longer had the power to, I finally collapsed into lucid dreams that brought me into a deep sleep with pounding chest trying to rush in the oxygen that was being captivated in my throat.

What caused my anxiety?

Some people in my past that I no longer keep. A job that I no longer work at.

There are guys I fell in and out of love before in my life. But there is this one guy that turned me into someone I was never before. That triggered my biggest anxiety. I was always this careless girl. I was always an ignorant person. But this guy turned me into a whole new person. The opposite of my old self. Why did I change? Because I wanted to be good for him. Even though I had given all of me, EVERYTHING would never be enough. If I could give him my soul, I would. That was how much I used to love him. I thought I was happy, but it turned out to be otherwise. But you know what, I kept denying and denying. Deceiving myself, telling myself I was happy. But since the day I fell in love with him, I started to keep questioning myself “am I good enough for him?”. Then I found out about him cheating on me for enough time (say it started in the first month of our relationship. Hey, I have my sources so I know). Then, every night I always cried and cried asking harder “am I really good enough for him?” and I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I would wake up in the middle of the night just to cry myself to sleep, started losing weight, and my chest hurt from the oxygen I didn’t receive. Those demons were finally born inside my head at that time and stay there until now.

Such tragedy of love. That I thought fairytale love was real.

I knew deep down, deep inside my heart that I was never happy with him. I was never myself with him. I kept holding back. But even after I knew he was cheating on me, I still denied myself and telling me I was happy. Why would I do that? because if I gave in, that means the demons won. So, I always put on that fake smile every day.

On the other side of my life, my job was also such a pressure to me. I didn’t fit in there, the boss was an ass ( I am sorry for my bluntness). That job also made me the unhappiest I had ever been. But again, because I needed to be grateful for the job I had so I pushed myself to fit in. But the more I pushed, the more severe this anxiety became. As always, I denied myself telling me I was fine. It was not GAD, I didn’t have a mental sickness, I was happy and living my life to the fullest. I had a boyfriend that loved me (or so I thought) and a job that kept me alive. But everything was a lie, though as much as I knew it was true…I buried the truth deep in my head. The panic attack came more often. Coffee helps, it sets down my anxiety, so I drink more coffee every day. I know coffee probably is the worst medicine when having a panic attack, it increases the heart palpitations. But it eases the demons in my head and helps me focus on other things.

I used to have no friends to talk to because everyone seems busy with their own life. I couldn’t talk to my family because I didn’t want to make them worry and make them ask me to move back home. So I pushed myself, alone, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to quit my job and finally spoke to my parents (they really asked me to move back home because they are worried). The relationship ended (it was him who ended it blaming me for being myself and him cheating with another girl for the thousandth of times). Then here I am, taking my Master degree and went back to living with my parents care. But still is being haunted by these demons, but now it becomes less and less.

The past is still haunting me. The terror stays with me. It has already affected me in so many things (and not in a good way). I suddenly have a trust-issue, where I never really had before. It actually ruined everything. I have so many new friends but it is just hard to know which one that I can really trust the most. I met a new guy there that I never thought I could fall in love with. But I did. But because I keep seeing the past, that terror, I am too afraid to move forward. Whenever I tried to convince myself that it is okay, the anxiety gets to me more often. I get so panic easily. My chest hurts almost every day from the rising heartbeat whenever those demons start to show up inside my head telling me all the negative things. I didn’t let the demons win, so I walked out of the love I thought would help to heal my past. This time, it was not him who ended it… it was me. As much as I wanted to be with him, as much as I loved him, I don’t want this anxiety to win me over again. The demons keep telling me, that he is just like the other guy who hurt you, he will leave you, he will do the same things and much worse. It still hurts to see him everywhere I go. I do love him and I am hurting. But walking away from him helps to slow down these demons. So, I decided to be better off alone for sometimes.

So, how actually to handle anxiety?

First, you have to know what really makes you happy. If you don’t like math, don’t push yourself too hard on that. Just because your anxiety tells you that you’re weak because you can’t finish some stupid equations that can’t solve itself, it does not mean you are weak and worthless. It means that math is not your field, is not your thing. Don’t push yourself to be the best at it. As long as you can pass your grade in math, you’re safe! But instead of coping yourself with negativity, you can always try to be the best in doing things that you love to do. If you hate math and suck at it, but you like biology and good at it, then you should be more focus on biology and expand your love in there. Be the best in your field, your anxiety will never tell you that you’re not good enough.

Second, surround yourself with only some people that bring you happiness and joy. You don’t have to be with a huge group of friends that only creates dramas. Just be with a handful of people that can make you at ease, that can help you in handling your fears, that you trust the most, that brings out the best in you. Walk away from toxic people! Because toxic people are the ones that will only worsen your anxiety.

Third, help other people. Sometimes helping other people who experience the same kind of experience as you will help. The advice you offer to someone, sometimes would come from deep inside you and it was all you need for yourself but you never find it until you give it to someone else.

Fourth, embrace your anxiety. Don’t deny yourself anymore. If you’re unhappy then believe it. Once you believe it, then you can help yourself. If you know you’re unhappy, you’ll find the core to what makes you feel that way. So you can ‘fix’ it. Be happy, find a cure by doing something fun.

Fifth, if you can’t handle it yourself or probably it is too hard to bear, then find a professional. Find a psychiatrist! Before everything becomes too late.

That is all for today. I am so sorry for the long post, I hope this post will help.

 

No Vacation

 

It’s time for some review and I will pick music as the topic.

SO…*drumroll*

This particular bedroom-pop / indie-pop band called “No Vacation” with four members from San Francisco, they stole my mind away. I have always been into an indie type of music, but mostly it would be an indie-folk. BUT THIS GROUP, though they have only been in the music industry for three years, they have changed my taste in music to a whole new level!

Read here for other GREAT bedroom pop artists

I still have no idea how this band can create such ear-catching sounds that are called music. I mean, if I were able to be an artist I would never have thought of making this kind of song. Okay, I am going to be honest here, I love listening to Spotify’s Today’s Top Hits playlist (guilty pleasure) and kind of enjoy some of the contemporary pop, pop remixes, I don’t know… I just love music. I love listening to all genres in certain moments. I mean talking about music genres, who am I to say anything about it?! I know nothing about music, I am just a loyal listener.

But No Vacation…deserves to be on that playlist!

I first heard No Vacation in one of Spotify’s indie-pop playlist in early 2018 and first stumbled into Yam Yam and I just played it on repeat. Here is the song for you to enjoy so that we can admire this song together:

 

And then I became a little too obsessed with this group and listened more. AND THEN *dramatic sound inserted* I fell in love with ‘Lovefool’ and the lyrics are kindda touchy HAHAHA but I am here for their music, not just the lyrics *wink*. Here is “Lovefool” with the lyrics for extra *wink again*:


Don’t look me in the eye
I get embarrassed when you see me cry
These thoughts I can’t articulate
Got me feelin’ some type of way

Guess I was a fool for believing you
Yeah the truth hurts more than a lie or two
More than a lie or two

Door closes and you’re gone
You left me hangin’ on this love
For far too long

Nostalgia has me feeling bittersweet
Reminiscing on the days things were easy

Guess I was a fool for believing you
Yeah the truth hurts more than a lie or two
More than a lie or two


I think that is all for this review because you know what, my words won’t mean anything if you don’t listen to this group ASAP!

 

So, enjoy…

A Crush

Cute,

That is how people describe it.

It is a pain,

that is not yet been felt.

You are so close,

but still feels too far away.

Childish,

as I refer this to.

But you have been in this place before.

Everybody has.

It is not certain,

that some might disappear and some might stay for a long time.

It sometimes can make you smile,

sometimes brings you tears.

It is the feeling that you hate.

Like you want something,

but you are scared it does not want you back.

The fear of rejection.

The fear of losing someone,

and that you don’t have the power to control over.

The trigger to all ‘what if’ questions.

Is it love?

You feel like you are owning them,

but you are not.

A crush,

that is what it is called.

Something that will be a future lesson,

that you might find worth fighting for,

or just a waste of your time.

Look at me!

Look at me!

I am here,

breathing and existing.

Look at me!

I am here,

my black petals are blooming.

Look at me!

I know,

they have pretty pastel colors.

Won’t you notice me?

Hiding in the middle of other flowers,

trying to fit in and shine the brightest.

I was born faded black.

I was born to shield light.

I was born as a mourning sign.

But if you would just look closer and deeper,

I might reborn with a new meaning,

that a dark in between lights is more than just a jinx,

more than just tears before laugh,

that I am real and concrete,

and for you to hold.

Look at me!

Won’t you see me?

Lungs

I am back into this delusional state that I call desolation. I am standing in an opened meadow under this constellation.

I see you, a black concrete figure, draw oneself up, with hands withered on both sides of your body.

Breathing a word from afar, mouthing phrases that I cannot catch, you walk falteringly like a wolf with blind staggers on a hot wild summer day. As you get closer to me, the earth beneath my feet trembles like there is an earthquake.

You are the past that I continually disavow, even when you know I am in denial of defeat.

“Submit now!” you are the trigger to my six-feet-under deathbed. You want me to revoke the closure I am using as the barrier between our past and future. Such an abnegation of reality, you say.

“No,” I say in admonishment. “Why would I?”

“Because you know that I have successfully conquered your present time.” every tone, every resonant, was adumbrated by a series of flashing images of our recent rendezvous.

I accede in agony, but still, I don’t capitulate to what is in fact true.

“I will give you one last chance,” you take a step back. Now we are two steps apart. I want to reach out to you and hold you in your previous place. Your eyes can manipulate so many things, so many feelings. They shoot me a deep and serious stare, such a dangerous weapon to kill. They are sharper than any blades that were once creating the wounds in my lungs. You offer me your hand. “Take it or walk away.”

I am in a quandary about taking a step forward or a step backward.

“You’re such a quaint!” I am trying to give us sometimes before I fall in anguish. “You’re using this old game where you can beguile me into thinking that you are the one. You keep pushing and pulling. Put aside the fake charm of yours…” my eyes have already been flooded with tears. “…and stare deep into my eyes that are filled with such indignation, then tell me how to make believe all these spurious inferences into plausible facts that you call reality!

“YOU’RE SCARED!” you are enraged and that shout nudges every heartbeat and break all bloodstreams in my veins. “How long are you going to live in the past?”

“As long as I can find someone…”

“Open your eyes!” You are half screaming in a nonchalant tone. “He is right in front of you. How will you ever see if you don’t open the door for possibilities?” You clamor for justice.

“You can stop making me the object of a surfeit of affection satisfying to you or anybody else!” I obviate the fear in me and take two steps forward until we are only an inch apart. Making a room for the tense vibrations in us to collide into an explosion. “You’re the sympathetic pariah that everyone wants me to avoid.”

“Oh, so you are just going to let strangers control your life? Like this ‘relationship’ is going to be theirs also?” You take umbrage that some point to a lack of support, you are being appointed as the truculent schemer. “You are not a people-pleaser and I do not ever make you one for myself! I am never playing this game if you never agreed at the beginning.”

“THIS IS NOT A GAME!” I start to tremble. The smoke of cold air breaks the space between us. I lower my head, making it touches your chest. I can hear a clamorous sound from inside it. Right then, I know what you feel. How you are actually handling my morose temper, or is it yours? You are holding on to something that is real.

“You made this all a game for both of us,” I hear you saying. Your voice is trailing off.

I snap my head up as soon as I realize, but you are already fading away.

“Wait!” I shout a whimpering sound, the weakest cry I ever heard of. Even in trite motions, you become more amorphous. Like smoke that is being blown by an invisible wind of desperation.

You abscond with my lungs being kept tight inside your own. I can’t breathe.

“I am taking a part of you so that you will know this last chance you keep denying was supposed to complete you.” As the sun starts to show up and the dark sky starts to evade, you smile at me. “Until then, I hope you find someone else to restore them back.”

I was once empty for a while when someone stole my lungs. Until I was sent here under the constellation being asked for the chance to have them back. You showed up. Now, you are gone and I am back to being empty, trying to grasp for oxygen. How long will I survive without my lungs? How long will it take until someone restores them back? How long…

 

 

Where’s My Love?

Wait, it is not that I am asking a literal question… (I mean, hey I don’t know where he is right now. In the future, for sure)

This is one of my favorite songs of all times! (not exaggerating, really)

SYML – Where’s My Love?

SYML (Simple in Welsh) was born from Brian Fennell’s unknown lineage and complex feelings.

I first stumbled into this song from one of Spotify’s indie folk playlist at the end of 2016 during a sad rainy day. There are so many versions of this song, (piano solo, original, alternate version, acoustic, duet) and the first version I ever heard was the alternate version and of course it touched my heart into the very core.


Cold bones. Yeah, that’s my love
She hides away, like a ghost

Does she know that we bleed the same?
Don’t wanna cry but I break that way

Cold sheets. Oh, where’s my love?
I am searching high, I’m searching low in the night

Does she know that we bleed the same?
Don’t wanna cry but I break that way

Did she run away?
Did she run away? I don’t know
If she ran away
If she ran away, come back home
Just come home

I got a fear, oh, in my blood
She was carried up into the clouds, high above

If you bled, I’ll bleed the same
If you’re scared, I’m on my way

Did you run away?
Did you run away? I don’t need to know
If you ran away
If you ran away, come back home
Just come home


If this song ain’t giving you chill, then you probably… are not an indie folk person.

This is the alternate version that I first heard (and fell in love with it after ten seconds into the intro):

 

This is the piano solo version, my tips for listening to this song;

  • open your window (best in the morning and when it is cloudy or raining)
  • sit on the edge of your window sill
  • put on your headphone
  • have your cup of hot (steaming will be best) coffee or milk or tea
  • turn on this song (adjust your own volume)
  • have your favorite book (if you don’t like to read, then it is optional)
  • then read (or stare out the window if you don’t fancy reading)
  • or just simply absorb the tune, let your mind wander on its own. You will be surprised at what it will find.

 

This is the acoustic version of the song. I found it in one of my favorite YouTube channel (for all Indie people, check this account out!)

 

BONUS FOR YOU

Lover, Please Stay

I plead.

But you don’t even know it.

I beg.

But you think I am free.

I love.

But you think you are just another pit stop.

As much as I hurt myself,

I am saving it from you.

As much as you’re hurting,

I am saving yourself from me.

“I have to let you go,” I say, pleading with agony.

“Am I hurting you?” you ask with the same pain I am feeling reflecting in your eyes.

“No,” I take my hand away from your grasp.

“Then, why are you doing this?” you look at me, wanting to beg but all you can show is the sadness in your face.

I desperately want to cup your face in my both hands, brush your cheeks with my thumbs, to stare deeply into your eyes for as long as I can live,  and tell you how I actually feel. That I am happy, that I love you, that I want to be with you, but too cowardly afraid to admit that you might hurt me because I am the kind of person who looks back to the past. It is not about mine, it is about your past. The past has always been the weapon to kill. I was once killed by the past, I have not been alive enough to be killed again by it.

Why don’t you just tell him the reason? He will deceive me easily.

Maybe he’s changed! People do change, but only if they really want to. 

But you don’t even know if it’s true or not! Better prevent it happening than finding out when it becomes too late to turn away. 

“We are not meant for each other,” my heart aches. It squeezes so tight inside my chest. Oucham I dying? “We have the same personalities. None of us wants to concede.” Here I go again with the lie that I am not good at doing.

You fall silent for a moment, maybe agreeing with what I just said. If you can see it, my body shivers like there is a war inside. I pin down myself in my seat as hard as I can. If I can’t control myself, I would push myself and put my arms around you so tight and would probably never let go. If that happens, there is nothing in this world that can make me let go. That is why I need to walk away before I trip over and fall into the unending loop. I have to stop myself from getting hurt. I am broken enough. I am ruined enough.

I stood up abruptly.

You take my hand before I can start walking. “Please, stay!”

I clench my other hand. Don’t turn back! Don’t look back! Just go, run!

“Please, stay…” you say once again, sound more vulnerable.

Lover, please stay. I can hear you whisper as you’re loosening up your grip. You’re letting me go.

I don’t want to play your game or any game. Not anymore.

As I walk away,

the trail behind me follows.

We never stop for a rest,

never will.

Until we reach that stop,

that some people told it exists.

That some people called,

a happy ending.