For You

Dear You,

I have noticed that since I took down the link to my blog from all my social media platforms, apparently somebody who lives in my country has been looking up for the link using the search engines. I don’t usually get readers using ‘search engines’ I mean you know what it means? Someone really typed down the link to my blog using google! And only several people know it…even my best friends sometimes still need me to send them the link or still go through my Instagram’s bio. It’s not like it would appear when you type down my full name on Google.

No, it’s okay… I am actually flattered you would go through Google just to find my blog and read it. I mean, that’s what my blog is for. To be read by other people.

I am an opened person, a Liberalist, and I don’t know either I’m a realist or Idealist because I apparently can be both. Anyway…

Some people closest to me will know that I usually write everything I feel at that moment on my blog. It can be in the form of poems, short story through a third person, or motivational writing. But wait, I don’t always write about my own feeling or experience, I also write about someone else’s. So, my readers would sometimes misinterpret them as ‘what the writer has gone through’. No, for the record you actually will have no idea whose story I am writing about.

Hey, you guys…

I don’t know what you guys are looking for in my blog, but you have been checking it several times these past few weeks. I am so fascinated by the work of WordPress because I can track my readers! God… can this digital era be anymore greater (or probably scarier) than it is today?!

Whoever you are, my best friend, or somebody who used to be someone special in my past, or someone that has a crush on me, or the guy that I have a crush on (hey, there… you, yeah you…give me a smile already!), or probably my crush that feels the same way about me (who knows that this feeling is mutual after all), or the person that hates me, or the person who feels threatened by my existence, or probably someone who just loves my writting (THANK YOU FOR READING… I appreciate it so much! I mean it…). I hope all my writings can inspire you, can help you and guide you through something, or I hope you can find a bit of information about my life that you keep missing out (because I have a reason why I don’t want you to keep up with it). At least, I know someone is reading my blog, am I right? Just so you know, I usually post on Thursday at random times, 4 Thursdays a month, so if you find the fifth Thursday in a month, please know I will probably not post anything. Or at least, I am trying to!

Hey, you…

Found what you have been looking for?

 

 

 

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La Vie est Belle

Life is beautiful.

See the colors of nature,

hear the sound of the wind,

feel the warmth of the sun.

Life in pink.

Love is everywhere,

open your eyes,

look around you.

Love brings you life.

Love gives you soul.

Love is beautiful.

When life is full of love,

it will be a lot more beautiful,

then coping inside your own dark clouds.

You can see,

that life is beautiful if you have love.

“La vie est une fleur dont l’amour est le miel.” – Victor Hugo

How to handle your anxiety?

Anxiety.

It is a feeling of fear, worry, anger, sadness, disappointment on oneself and people in life. This all-in-one feeling will come attacking you during unexpected hours and in unexpected places. With a little bit of cold sweat and heartbeat racing inside your chest, making your lungs suffocate and impossible to grasp for air. Your pupils will expand and sometimes you will also experience nausea.

When the anxiety comes, you’re never alone. Even though you are hiding under the blanket in the dark or while driving back home from work, there will always be ‘the other’ you. You will be haunted by thoughts that have been haunting you for so long or sometimes your head is clear but you will hear voices of yourself saying all the negative things you didn’t do in the past. Blaming you, consuming yourself into another demon. Panic attack.

You will start to be frantic all of a sudden. You can cry. You can shout. You can shield both your ears with anything, but those thoughts and voices will still be there with you. You keep denying. You push them away as hard as you can. You put a huge barrier around. Until there is nothing you can do, but let them come and kill you off. Again. Once they are gone, you will be exhausted like you were running a marathon but really all you did was nothing but hoping they might stop. But wait, they will return and you will always try to fight them.

How did you know?

Anxiety has always been my enemy since two years ago.

What causes anxiety?

Anything, really. Situations. Environment. Society. Politics. Religion (that sometimes is related to politics). Economy. Human beings.

Sometimes another human being can be the most dangerous predator than animals.

This will be my first time opening up about my anxiety or GAD.

I am not exactly sure yet about having a GAD, but I have the qualified symptoms. I have been contemplating about going to psychiatrist or anyone for help really. But here is the thing, I have never gone. Why? Because I am scared of the truth and to be honest I am a little embarrassed. My biggest mistake. I needed help. I have only been talking to my closest friends that I trust the most, that I think my ‘secret’ will be safe with them. But they can’t always help me through all these panic attacks because they have no experience in handling people like me. They only can help me by providing great pieces of advice that sometimes I rebuff even though I know they are right because anxiety will never let you be normal.

Here is a little of the story of my anxiety.

I never really realized I had it until one night this huge and unbearable panic attack came. I have experienced a nervous breakdown before, like when I was about to talk in front of a bunch of people, but it was never really this severe. It was late at night, I was having insomnia as usual whenever I thought I was fine but actually, I was having anxiety inside my head but always denied it, I was listening to some music while playing Buzzfeed quiz (by the way, this is fun you know). There was nothing wrong, yeah I had some bad thoughts inside my head but I didn’t let them get into me by using my headphones and setting the volume quite high (kids, this is dangerous if you do this very often). My heart started to beat faster and cold sweats started falling down my neck. I was suffocating and my heart jolted several times making my chest hurt.

I was lying on my bed inside my room alone, in the dark, but everything became the opposite. Like I was in the middle of crowds, in a blaring light.

I started to panic. These demons, these thoughts started to get into my head because my power had been weakened and the music faded even when the headphones were still in their place.

“It was your fault he cheated on you!”

“You were never good enough for him, that’s why he left!”

“You are nothing compared to other girls! You’re not thin enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re weak, you’re just a piece of trash!”

“He never loved you! He even confessed he regretted dating you in the first place…you know what is worse? when he said it to the girl that you will never be able to compete! You should be ashamed!”

“You let all those bad things ruined your life in the first place and you never did anything about it, it’s your fault that your life is worthless!”

“You will never fit in anywhere!”

“You’re a fool! That is why they know you’re an easy prey to kill!” 

“People hate you. Nobody likes you because you’re too much to handle.”

“Stop making dramas out of nothing!”

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DID EVERYTHING I DID! as I screamed to my own self.

I cried and cried, I kept blaming myself. Until I no longer had the power to, I finally collapsed into lucid dreams that brought me into a deep sleep with pounding chest trying to rush in the oxygen that was being captivated in my throat.

What caused my anxiety?

Some people in my past that I no longer keep. A job that I no longer work at.

There are guys I fell in and out of love before in my life. But there is this one guy that turned me into someone I was never before. That triggered my biggest anxiety. I was always this careless girl. I was always an ignorant person. But this guy turned me into a whole new person. The opposite of my old self. Why did I change? Because I wanted to be good for him. Even though I had given all of me, EVERYTHING would never be enough. If I could give him my soul, I would. That was how much I used to love him. I thought I was happy, but it turned out to be otherwise. But you know what, I kept denying and denying. Deceiving myself, telling myself I was happy. But since the day I fell in love with him, I started to keep questioning myself “am I good enough for him?”. Then I found out about him cheating on me for enough time (say it started in the first month of our relationship. Hey, I have my sources so I know). Then, every night I always cried and cried asking harder “am I really good enough for him?” and I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I would wake up in the middle of the night just to cry myself to sleep, started losing weight, and my chest hurt from the oxygen I didn’t receive. Those demons were finally born inside my head at that time and stay there until now.

Such tragedy of love. That I thought fairytale love was real.

I knew deep down, deep inside my heart that I was never happy with him. I was never myself with him. I kept holding back. But even after I knew he was cheating on me, I still denied myself and telling me I was happy. Why would I do that? because if I gave in, that means the demons won. So, I always put on that fake smile every day.

On the other side of my life, my job was also such a pressure to me. I didn’t fit in there, the boss was an ass ( I am sorry for my bluntness). That job also made me the unhappiest I had ever been. But again, because I needed to be grateful for the job I had so I pushed myself to fit in. But the more I pushed, the more severe this anxiety became. As always, I denied myself telling me I was fine. It was not GAD, I didn’t have a mental sickness, I was happy and living my life to the fullest. I had a boyfriend that loved me (or so I thought) and a job that kept me alive. But everything was a lie, though as much as I knew it was true…I buried the truth deep in my head. The panic attack came more often. Coffee helps, it sets down my anxiety, so I drink more coffee every day. I know coffee probably is the worst medicine when having a panic attack, it increases the heart palpitations. But it eases the demons in my head and helps me focus on other things.

I used to have no friends to talk to because everyone seems busy with their own life. I couldn’t talk to my family because I didn’t want to make them worry and make them ask me to move back home. So I pushed myself, alone, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to quit my job and finally spoke to my parents (they really asked me to move back home because they are worried). The relationship ended (it was him who ended it blaming me for being myself and him cheating with another girl for the thousandth of times). Then here I am, taking my Master degree and went back to living with my parents care. But still is being haunted by these demons, but now it becomes less and less.

The past is still haunting me. The terror stays with me. It has already affected me in so many things (and not in a good way). I suddenly have a trust-issue, where I never really had before. It actually ruined everything. I have so many new friends but it is just hard to know which one that I can really trust the most. I met a new guy there that I never thought I could fall in love with. But I did. But because I keep seeing the past, that terror, I am too afraid to move forward. Whenever I tried to convince myself that it is okay, the anxiety gets to me more often. I get so panic easily. My chest hurts almost every day from the rising heartbeat whenever those demons start to show up inside my head telling me all the negative things. I didn’t let the demons win, so I walked out of the love I thought would help to heal my past. This time, it was not him who ended it… it was me. As much as I wanted to be with him, as much as I loved him, I don’t want this anxiety to win me over again. The demons keep telling me, that he is just like the other guy who hurt you, he will leave you, he will do the same things and much worse. It still hurts to see him everywhere I go. I do love him and I am hurting. But walking away from him helps to slow down these demons. So, I decided to be better off alone for sometimes.

So, how actually to handle anxiety?

First, you have to know what really makes you happy. If you don’t like math, don’t push yourself too hard on that. Just because your anxiety tells you that you’re weak because you can’t finish some stupid equations that can’t solve itself, it does not mean you are weak and worthless. It means that math is not your field, is not your thing. Don’t push yourself to be the best at it. As long as you can pass your grade in math, you’re safe! But instead of coping yourself with negativity, you can always try to be the best in doing things that you love to do. If you hate math and suck at it, but you like biology and good at it, then you should be more focus on biology and expand your love in there. Be the best in your field, your anxiety will never tell you that you’re not good enough.

Second, surround yourself with only some people that bring you happiness and joy. You don’t have to be with a huge group of friends that only creates dramas. Just be with a handful of people that can make you at ease, that can help you in handling your fears, that you trust the most, that brings out the best in you. Walk away from toxic people! Because toxic people are the ones that will only worsen your anxiety.

Third, help other people. Sometimes helping other people who experience the same kind of experience as you will help. The advice you offer to someone, sometimes would come from deep inside you and it was all you need for yourself but you never find it until you give it to someone else.

Fourth, embrace your anxiety. Don’t deny yourself anymore. If you’re unhappy then believe it. Once you believe it, then you can help yourself. If you know you’re unhappy, you’ll find the core to what makes you feel that way. So you can ‘fix’ it. Be happy, find a cure by doing something fun.

Fifth, if you can’t handle it yourself or probably it is too hard to bear, then find a professional. Find a psychiatrist! Before everything becomes too late.

That is all for today. I am so sorry for the long post, I hope this post will help.

 

A Crush

Cute,

That is how people describe it.

It is a pain,

that is not yet been felt.

You are so close,

but still feels too far away.

Childish,

as I refer this to.

But you have been in this place before.

Everybody has.

It is not certain,

that some might disappear and some might stay for a long time.

It sometimes can make you smile,

sometimes brings you tears.

It is the feeling that you hate.

Like you want something,

but you are scared it does not want you back.

The fear of rejection.

The fear of losing someone,

and that you don’t have the power to control over.

The trigger to all ‘what if’ questions.

Is it love?

You feel like you are owning them,

but you are not.

A crush,

that is what it is called.

Something that will be a future lesson,

that you might find worth fighting for,

or just a waste of your time.

Look at me!

Look at me!

I am here,

breathing and existing.

Look at me!

I am here,

my black petals are blooming.

Look at me!

I know,

they have pretty pastel colors.

Won’t you notice me?

Hiding in the middle of other flowers,

trying to fit in and shine the brightest.

I was born faded black.

I was born to shield light.

I was born as a mourning sign.

But if you would just look closer and deeper,

I might reborn with a new meaning,

that a dark in between lights is more than just a jinx,

more than just tears before laugh,

that I am real and concrete,

and for you to hold.

Look at me!

Won’t you see me?

Lungs

I am back into this delusional state that I call desolation. I am standing in an opened meadow under this constellation.

I see you, a black concrete figure, draw oneself up, with hands withered on both sides of your body.

Breathing a word from afar, mouthing phrases that I cannot catch, you walk falteringly like a wolf with blind staggers on a hot wild summer day. As you get closer to me, the earth beneath my feet trembles like there is an earthquake.

You are the past that I continually disavow, even when you know I am in denial of defeat.

“Submit now!” you are the trigger to my six-feet-under deathbed. You want me to revoke the closure I am using as the barrier between our past and future. Such an abnegation of reality, you say.

“No,” I say in admonishment. “Why would I?”

“Because you know that I have successfully conquered your present time.” every tone, every resonant, was adumbrated by a series of flashing images of our recent rendezvous.

I accede in agony, but still, I don’t capitulate to what is in fact true.

“I will give you one last chance,” you take a step back. Now we are two steps apart. I want to reach out to you and hold you in your previous place. Your eyes can manipulate so many things, so many feelings. They shoot me a deep and serious stare, such a dangerous weapon to kill. They are sharper than any blades that were once creating the wounds in my lungs. You offer me your hand. “Take it or walk away.”

I am in a quandary about taking a step forward or a step backward.

“You’re such a quaint!” I am trying to give us sometimes before I fall in anguish. “You’re using this old game where you can beguile me into thinking that you are the one. You keep pushing and pulling. Put aside the fake charm of yours…” my eyes have already been flooded with tears. “…and stare deep into my eyes that are filled with such indignation, then tell me how to make believe all these spurious inferences into plausible facts that you call reality!

“YOU’RE SCARED!” you are enraged and that shout nudges every heartbeat and break all bloodstreams in my veins. “How long are you going to live in the past?”

“As long as I can find someone…”

“Open your eyes!” You are half screaming in a nonchalant tone. “He is right in front of you. How will you ever see if you don’t open the door for possibilities?” You clamor for justice.

“You can stop making me the object of a surfeit of affection satisfying to you or anybody else!” I obviate the fear in me and take two steps forward until we are only an inch apart. Making a room for the tense vibrations in us to collide into an explosion. “You’re the sympathetic pariah that everyone wants me to avoid.”

“Oh, so you are just going to let strangers control your life? Like this ‘relationship’ is going to be theirs also?” You take umbrage that some point to a lack of support, you are being appointed as the truculent schemer. “You are not a people-pleaser and I do not ever make you one for myself! I am never playing this game if you never agreed at the beginning.”

“THIS IS NOT A GAME!” I start to tremble. The smoke of cold air breaks the space between us. I lower my head, making it touches your chest. I can hear a clamorous sound from inside it. Right then, I know what you feel. How you are actually handling my morose temper, or is it yours? You are holding on to something that is real.

“You made this all a game for both of us,” I hear you saying. Your voice is trailing off.

I snap my head up as soon as I realize, but you are already fading away.

“Wait!” I shout a whimpering sound, the weakest cry I ever heard of. Even in trite motions, you become more amorphous. Like smoke that is being blown by an invisible wind of desperation.

You abscond with my lungs being kept tight inside your own. I can’t breathe.

“I am taking a part of you so that you will know this last chance you keep denying was supposed to complete you.” As the sun starts to show up and the dark sky starts to evade, you smile at me. “Until then, I hope you find someone else to restore them back.”

I was once empty for a while when someone stole my lungs. Until I was sent here under the constellation being asked for the chance to have them back. You showed up. Now, you are gone and I am back to being empty, trying to grasp for oxygen. How long will I survive without my lungs? How long will it take until someone restores them back? How long…

 

 

Lover, Please Stay

I plead.

But you don’t even know it.

I beg.

But you think I am free.

I love.

But you think you are just another pit stop.

As much as I hurt myself,

I am saving it from you.

As much as you’re hurting,

I am saving yourself from me.

“I have to let you go,” I say, pleading with agony.

“Am I hurting you?” you ask with the same pain I am feeling reflecting in your eyes.

“No,” I take my hand away from your grasp.

“Then, why are you doing this?” you look at me, wanting to beg but all you can show is the sadness in your face.

I desperately want to cup your face in my both hands, brush your cheeks with my thumbs, to stare deeply into your eyes for as long as I can live,  and tell you how I actually feel. That I am happy, that I love you, that I want to be with you, but too cowardly afraid to admit that you might hurt me because I am the kind of person who looks back to the past. It is not about mine, it is about your past. The past has always been the weapon to kill. I was once killed by the past, I have not been alive enough to be killed again by it.

Why don’t you just tell him the reason? He will deceive me easily.

Maybe he’s changed! People do change, but only if they really want to. 

But you don’t even know if it’s true or not! Better prevent it happening than finding out when it becomes too late to turn away. 

“We are not meant for each other,” my heart aches. It squeezes so tight inside my chest. Oucham I dying? “We have the same personalities. None of us wants to concede.” Here I go again with the lie that I am not good at doing.

You fall silent for a moment, maybe agreeing with what I just said. If you can see it, my body shivers like there is a war inside. I pin down myself in my seat as hard as I can. If I can’t control myself, I would push myself and put my arms around you so tight and would probably never let go. If that happens, there is nothing in this world that can make me let go. That is why I need to walk away before I trip over and fall into the unending loop. I have to stop myself from getting hurt. I am broken enough. I am ruined enough.

I stood up abruptly.

You take my hand before I can start walking. “Please, stay!”

I clench my other hand. Don’t turn back! Don’t look back! Just go, run!

“Please, stay…” you say once again, sound more vulnerable.

Lover, please stay. I can hear you whisper as you’re loosening up your grip. You’re letting me go.

I don’t want to play your game or any game. Not anymore.

As I walk away,

the trail behind me follows.

We never stop for a rest,

never will.

Until we reach that stop,

that some people told it exists.

That some people called,

a happy ending.

 

 

00.01

He takes my hand as we walk up the stairs.

It’s dark. Yeah, it’s the middle of the night what do I expect? The sun?

He walks to the edge of the rooftop and sits with his feet dangling in the air. I follow him. I have never been afraid of height or darkness, I am more scared of him right now. Probably I am most scared of my own feeling.

He does not say anything, so I look around and the view is so breathtaking. The sky is so full of stars and I have never seen it this clear before. I am taken aback by the constellation until he finally calls my name.

“Don’t you wish you could fly?” he says without glancing at me. “I wish I could. It would be fun! And I want to fly right there as fast as I can.” he points to the farthest West of our side.

I smile, “Yeah, flying would be fun.”

“Look,” he touches my hand. “Can you see that orange light over there? That’s my house.”

I don’t know if he’s joking or just guessing. How can he be pretty sure? We’re like…too far away from the city. I can hear the chatter from everyone under our dangling feet. Can they see us?

I turn my head to take a little glance of his face. His eyes are staring into the horizon of flickering lights and dark mountains. His face is so serious. I can still see his perfect jawlines under the moonlight. Is he even a real human being? He feels my gaze and now his eyes are focused on mine. I want to stop the time and just stare into those eyes for the rest of my life. I feel an earthquake in my chest. I quickly look back up to the sky before he can see the flares in my cheeks.

“Look,” I say still amazed by the beauty of tonight’s sky, and his, but I am more interested in the sky right now. “The sky is so beautiful. The stars are starting to gleam! Wow, there are so many of them!” I say full of excitement.

“Oh yeah,” he says following my eyes. “What are the stars made of? Asteroids? I don’t know.”

I think he asks that more to himself than to me. He is hypnotized by the sky too.

I exhale the unexpected oxygen that I have been holding since we got here. The night air stabs my whole body and I shiver a little.

“I had done everything for her,” he says out of the blue. “I had changed myself the way she wanted me to. I mean, I was a better person when I was with her.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“No,” he denies. “Because she left me! She betrayed me! It was not easy to accept when someone I had sacrificed everything for dumped me and ended up choosing to be with someone else.”

I become so tense in my place. I know exactly how he feels. I want to scream so loud, “You’re not alone!” but I can’t because I am fighting to keep my tears from falling.

“But she always refused all the helps I could offer. I pushed her into who she is now. I was the biggest support she had. I can’t believe I ever thought of marrying someone like her.” he shakes his head with a little sarcastic laugh. He looks down to his hands. I can see that he has not yet over the pain, maybe over her but not the pain. That mark she has caused will be hard to heal.

“But I am passed over that crap,” he says looking back up. I don’t know if he is only saying that to make me believe him or to believe it himself.

“Healing takes time,” I say from my place when he finally falls silent for a minute. He looks at me. But I don’t take away my gaze from the world. “Trust-issue will not last forever. Once you have found someone you love who will never let you go for anything, except death, then you know that you have won from your own fear.”

He is still looking at me and I don’t think he will say anything. So I continue, now staring deep into his eyes. Locking him inside my head and there is no way he can escape. “I am scared.” my voice sounds fragile and weak. I am surprised that it was all I could say. My body shivers and he takes my hand then kisses it gently.

“Don’t be,” he says.

His voice melts me.

“But I am,” I say still locking eyes with him. “I know I shouldn’t be scared, but I can’t help myself. I know that people change. I know that you two are different human beings. But I am just scared of getting hurt again. I don’t have anything left in me to break anymore.”

“I won’t hurt you,” it’s all he can say over and over, since the first time we ever talked to each other.

I can’t say anything. My lips are sealed. I want to believe him. But that wall of trust inside me has not yet constructed fully. It is not strong enough yet.

I hate myself for this, blaming him for something he didn’t do, blaming him for all the bruises someone had left in me. I keep telling myself, “He is not him!” but there is no use!

“I know you are trying to heal,” he says sitting closer to me. “I am too.”

I nod slightly, feeling the warmth of his body. I am the one who wears a hoodie, he is bare with only a t-shirt. But somehow he is still the source of all the heat in my body, not the hoodie.

“The problem is that I enter your life at the right time,” he says like it is a mistake. Like he is probably regretting it already. “When you need someone else to heal your wound and…”

“No,” I cut him off. I know he hates it when I do that. But I don’t care. “You come to my life at the wrong time.”

“Why so?”

“Because after everything, I decided to never fall in love again. To never let myself get hurt because of love anymore. And now, you ruin it! You have ruined the plan I made for my life because you came so unexpectedly.” I am furious but still scared and somehow hurt but I don’t know which one that takes control of my emotion right now. It is too overwhelming.

“Why am I ruining it?”

“Because I am already in love with you,” I say looking back at him. Once again, forcing myself to lock his eyes on mine. Heat burns my chest and my cheeks. Something stings my eyes because I can feel that they are wet. Maybe it’s the cold wind. “That is why I am terrified even more.”

He does not say anything but still locked by my gaze.

“I am scared,” that is all I can seem to say for now. I am surprised that my voice is so shaky and weak. “I can’t fall in love with you,” I squeeze his hand. He kisses my cheek gently, telling me that it is okay to be scared and somehow I know he will never leave my side. “But I think I have already fallen too deeply, I can’t…”

He cuts me off with his warm lips pressed against mine. Slowly I am drawn into his magic trick that keeps pulling me into him. It is like, his body is the strongest point of magnetic field. That gravitational pull is too strong, I can’t let go.

I can finally pull myself away from him, an inch away. I still close my eyes and I know he does too. My forehead is still on his and I inhale the carbon dioxide he exhales and vice versa. “Don’t,” I touch his lips with my fidgeting finger, brushing them softly. My heartbeat is racing like there is a marathon inside me. But it is hard to really keep myself apart from him when he is the center of all my universe right now. That magnet pull keeps dragging me back in. We collide into each other once more and my body is now shaking uncontrollably.

He can sense the outcry that I am about to let out. He pulls me into his embrace so tight like he is scared I might calcify into particles of dust.

“What have you done?” I wrap my arms tightly around his neck, scared that he is going to be the one who disappears.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers in my ears. His voice sounds so vulnerable.

“Don’t go,” I say, burying my face in his neck and inhale the scent of his body that surprisingly calms every nerve in my skin that are about to explode. “Don’t leave me!”

“I won’t,” his voice is firm and somehow I trust him this time.

I feel something that is certain now. That I will never let him go. That I will win myself over this fear. That I will fight harder to change myself into a better person, but this time with him by my side. Not alone.

People change.

Wounds heal.

If it is not time, it is love that will be your new turning page.

 

Forgiveness

There was once a quote stated by Thomas Szasz;

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; The naive forgive and forget; The wise forgive but do not forget.”

Which kind of person are you? The stupid, the naive, or the wise?

Everyone knows that forgiving someone is not easy looking at how big the mistakes a person did. It is you to decide which kind of person you need to be in that situation. You can either forgive and forget or simply forgive but would never forget. Forgiving itself is already hard, let alone you need to forget.

I don’t have the best tips how to do both or be naive. It is your decision to make. You can forgive, but for the sake of your own self, you don’t forget. Why don’t people who have been hurt forget someone’s mistakes?

Depends on that person and the mistakes. You don’t always remember the person who broke your favorite pencil in 5th grade, right? Or a person who ever said mean things to you two years ago. Why? Because they don’t change you, at least they don’t change a part of you. It’s different from the person who hurt you so much that it changed you into a whole new person. You will never forget. Because that person is the reason for who you are now.

You were a dancer, but a car driver hit you hard one night you could never dance anymore. Will you ever forget that moment? or can you? You may forgive him/her, but it does not mean you can forget. Because that mistake is already a part of you. You can’t take away some parts of your life. The past. You can never erase, take away, bury the past. Here is one thing, you eventually will forget who did what but for sure I know the only thing that will always haunt you is the thing that someone did.

One day, I came home to find one of my window car broken and someone stole all of my mom’s documents. I could never forget what happened that day, but I don’t even remember who did it. You remember event, not person.

Why? Is that okay?

Totally okay!

Why?

To give you some lesson in the future that you need to prevent the same bad thing happening. To teach you how to change yourself into a better person. In my case, to teach you how to be more cautious where to park your car (or never leave any bags inside it if the windows are see-through).

You will never learn if you don’t experience anything. It kills you when someone hurts you so bad it turns your life upside down. But you have to know, that everything happens for a reason.

Forgiving someone gives so many positive vibes in your life. Here is the thing, “you still haven’t forgiven me if you can’t forget what I had done in the past.” forgiving does not mean forgetting. By forgiving someone means that you are mature, wise, and rational. It gives you the strength to be happy and start something new with a clear head and heart. But forgetting things that had changed you mean that you are ignorant, never learn, and headstrong. That means, you can always go back to doing things that might let someone does the same bad things happen in the future if you never learn from someone’s mistake.

Learn how to forgive someone else starts with forgiving yourself. Learn from someone else’s mistakes start with learning your own mistakes. Someone will not hurt you if you don’t let them. That is your biggest mistake! Letting someone else hurt you in the first place. I parked my car outside, leaving all the bags in the back seat, and so I gave a chance for the stealer to do their mistakes. I was so care-free that so many people betrayed me and crushed all the faith in me, leaving me with all these bruises and a severe trust-issue. My biggest mistake was that I let them did it in the first place. But I have learned so many lessons, that you can never get what you want, that you can’t devote yourself 100% to anything or anyone but God, that I am not alone and that I have to be a better person to never let this thing happen in the future. I know why it happened so I would start to change everything starting with myself. I don’t remember who but I still can’t forget what had changed me. People remember events, not people.

Forgiveness, one cruel word but the impact is everything.

Forgiving someone prevents you from a miserable life. You know you are not happy because you still hold on to your pain and grudges. You need to forgive yourself in order to forgive someone else. Don’t ever blame yourself or anyone for all the bad things that happen, just remember that they happen for a reason. One day, they will worth the tears and forgiveness you have sacrificed. Everyone who fights deserves a reward. That reward is waiting for you so don’t ever stop fighting for it. Forgive is the best way to start.

Forgiveness means letting go. Let go all the grudges and breathe.

Just breathe and smile.

It helps.

15 Minutes

You only need 15 minutes to make someone fall in love.

15 minutes is all you need to shatter someone’s life.

To break someone’s trust, people can do it in just 15 minutes.

You can turn someone’s life upside down in just 15 minutes.

In only 15 minutes you will find out the truth about a person’s life.

I wish those 15 minutes will go away.

I keep closing my eyes, hoping those 15 minutes will pass.

I push the thoughts so hard, to avoid those 15 minutes.

I wish those 15 minutes never happened.

Because in only 15 minutes,

I have killed myself for thousands of times.

Because in only 15 minutes,

people leave me to die.

Because in only 15 minutes,

they are cheering for the pains they have caused and will cause.

Because in only 15 minutes,

I let the devil win.