INTJ => INFJ

Shifting from an INTJ into INFJ.

If change is the only constant thing, then adapting is also the one who comes with it. But as hard as facing constant changes, adapting is not easy. If it is, there will be no ‘culture shock’. Imagine that the culture shock does not happen in a new place you live in, but it happens inside you, literally. It’s not about the shifting process, it’s because I am overwhelmed with the sudden change that I have in me now. I am now an INFJ. But somewhere deep inside I still can feel the old INTJ of me reacting to so many things I am dealing with.


Both personalities are in the category of ‘rare’, especially INTJ regarding I am a woman, while INFJ is the rarest among other personalities. But the most significant change in my life is the way I see everything and how I make my decisions. I never really thought about it before, but when I was still an INTJ, I was more of a thinker. I used logic and what makes sense to me regardless others opinion. But now I tend to do what my heart tells me to and sometimes, if not most of the time, doesn’t make sense. I feel weaker. I can’t handle stress and great pressures as it will affect my health. It is weird, isn’t it? 


It is like I have two personalities and able to switch to whichever, whenever I want to. It sounds scary and strange. Although the difference is only on the Extraverted Feeling (INFJ) and Extraverted Thinking (INTJ), it is obvious that I have changed into a whole new person. This is what I believe now; people do change. It might happen because of the people you hang around with, the new environment you’re living in, your age, and even society. It can impact you and the way you see yourself and everything around you.


Both INTJ and INFJ are Introvert and Intuitive. The main difference is that INTJ is more of an Antagonist and INFJ is more of a Protagonist. Can you imagine how that affects my life? From being someone so tough, mean, and heartless into a weak, selfless, and sensitive person. I remember thinking how I hated this kind of self, I am just too weak to defend myself, and just too stupid for using feelings more rather than my brain. I promised to never give myself up and turn into who I am now. But a lot has changed me and it was an inevitable process.


Environment took the role in changing me. After I graduated, the environment around me adjusted itself like it revolved on its own. The next thing I knew, I was already a different person. What do you think about the difference between an INFJ and an INTJ? “Oh nothing much, it’s just that sometimes I can be so touchy and I cry more now, then I will fall ill whenever I cry too much.” I wish I could say that all the time to get free passes in life being one of the weakest personalities in all of humanity. But, nah, that is called complaining and I believe INFJ never complains.
Anyway, INFJ as you can see is very sensitive because they tend to use their hearts to think and to make decisions. INTJ on the other hand, uses logic. When they need to take action, they don’t see the effect they made to other people as long as they are doing what they want to do. Sometimes INTJ can be considered selfish.

But INFJ is across the road. They think before they act. “What will happen to this person if I do this?” “Will he be hurt if I do this?” “Will he be happy if I do that?” it is like, INFJ lives to serve other people, to please other people. For an INTJ, “F*ck that, I won’t do it just to please you!” so, can you imagine how many degrees I have to turn myself around?


Thankfully, I am not alone! There are people out there who are struggling with this kind of thing as well. I have a friend, who had to deal with the same shifting process in a hard way. I am considered lucky because I already have someone to look up to and ask for advice. He suggested that I take it slowly and try not to be overwhelmed by the process. 

Here is what I have learned from the changing process: tolerance. Being a little bit more sensitive gives you some perks too. It makes you become more tolerant to other people and it appears nurturing to them which appeals nicely. People only want to be understood. It is like that is why God created INFJ people, to understand other people. INFJ is like having this superpower to comfort other people, which to be blunt, is really tiring. Creating a smile in someone else’s face always drains out the energy, but it will always worth the effort. 

All INFJ needs is isolating themselves to recharge her/himself before heading out and giving away wise advises that sometimes, if not most of the time, they need for their own. Funny, isn’t it? INFJ does not need anybody to make them feel better. The only person that can push them are themselves and other fellow INFJ. Because you know why? We have a strong bond between one another and the ones who could understand each other. I was surprised how quickly I can connect to my other INFJ peers even though I have only known them for several days. That can be one of the perks too. INFJ can connect to so many people, yet people cannot do the other way around. It is like a one way connection, which seems unfair but it is enough for INFJ to make friends.

The changing process is not bad and I can finally embrace my inner INFJ. It is hard to let go of the INTJ in me completely because it will always be in my blood. But I am grateful that I am included in the rarest personality as there is only a handful of us in this world. This humanity needs more INFJ people. This humanity needs me.

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What Really Makes Your Life Miserable

You are having a severe disease, you are sick all the time but you have been taking your medicine everyday that you thought was healing you, but your health gets worse. You think that there is something wrong with your immune so you keep blaming yourself for every worst case.

What do you think is wrong? Have you ever really considered thinking that maybe the medicine is empowering the disease? Have you checked? If you have and you knew all along that the medicine is not good for you and is killing you but you keep consuming the pills because you believe that maybe it will heal you somehow and because you are already too dependent on it. You must stop taking the medicine!
It goes the same with your life. You know exactly what makes your life full of anxious, stress, and doubts. Because you keep surrounding yourself with toxic people. You keep them around you and you think they might change and make your life worth living. But the truth is, the longer you hang around them, the uglier your life will get. Stop thinking that you can be happy with them just because you are scared of letting them go. Some bad people will always stay bad until they have their lesson.
The only thing that can save you is yourself. You have to realize when it is time to walk out of their lives. Appreciate yourself for your own happiness. Always make sure that you come first, never put anyone else above you! Be selfish for sometimes. Stop taking that medicine, those toxic pills. Walk out and be happy! You deserve a happy life, even without anybody involved.

Happiness is a State of Mind

Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy and you can also choose not to. It depends on you because happiness is just a state of mind like any other emotions. They are all inside your head. You can either embrace or ignore. It really is up to you.

If you are trying to be happy but there are things that stop your mind from reaching out the happiness, here are the things you should consider doing in order to be completely happy.
1. Distance yourself from toxic people. Toxic people do not always have to be negative people who are so pessimistic all the time. Toxic people are the ones who stop you from thinking that you are worth to be happy. People who stop you from doing things that you want. People who turn you into someone else and forget who you really are. Toxic people are those who create constant pain, hate, and who triggers you to hold grudges.
2. Do what you really want. I know it is not as easy as it sounds. If your heart desires bigger things like ‘earn ten million in two hours’ maybe it is not what you really want. You can do what you want from a single craving like if you want to eat a piece of chocolate cake, eat it! Don’t too over think about your diet, as long as your mental health is stable and you are happy, you will live one day longer.
3. Always try to see the positives among the negatives. Everything happens for a reason. If it is bad, it’s bad. If it’s good, it’s good. Maybe not everything bad that happens to you means you are doing wrong, it can mean anything else. Try seeing the good over the bad. If you are working in a shitty office, doing a crappy job, and you can’t hate going there less than anything, you have to try and see the positive. Maybe you are being tested by God, how long you can take the pressure and you have to prove God that you are strong enough not to give up easily. Maybe after you take off from there, you will have a strong will to pursue a more challenging experience. You will be stronger mentally or anything really.
4. Stop hating people. Nobody is perfect, no. Not even those you hate. As much as you think they are living a good life, having the most perfect body, I believe that is not all. You don’t know the story behind their perfect pictures. God is fair, just so you know that. Have a bit compassion too.
5. Forgive and Forget. The past belongs in the past. Learn from it, not live in it. Sometimes people will forgive but still can’t forget. Hos do you forget it? Focus on yourself, for the future.
6. Be grateful. What else can I say? If you feel like you don’t have enough, but actually you have more than enough, you won’t be happy at all. Try to be grateful for what you have and think that you are lucky enough to have what everyone wishes they had.

He

He grips the steering wheel so hard until his palms are all white and pale. He is driving with a blind mind and no directions. The road is still wet and so does his car. Most people hate a rainy Saturday because it could ruin their weekend plans, not him. At least not today, not even a storm can stop him from seeing her.

She was so pretty today, as always. Her smile is so addictive. It was so hard to avoid her, to forget about her existence, and to pretend that she never existed. Dang, it was because of that day when he finally met her again on their friend’s graduation. It was then when it all started again, like something triggered inside his chest to remember the pain she used to create.
They have all the fun he had almost forgotten. Just the two of them walking around the mall, watching a movie while sharing popcorn, and a pretty nice lunch and top it with a semi-romantic dinner. It has been so long since they went on a date, it has been years since they had separate ways with other people. Once again, he felt that regret of giving up on her so fast. It was the hardest thing to do, letting go of the person that worth five years of waiting.
He is sitting quietly inside his car, still not letting go of the steering wheel. He sighs. Despite today’s date and the rain, he is not sure about his own feeling. The flash of images come right into his mind. Those two beautiful dark eyes staring into his, her small round nose that would widen whenever she moves her jaw, her soft voice that would melt any guy’s heart, and those fine thin lips that are so soft and tempting. He could not stop thinking about kissing those lips all day. With the post-raining kind of scene, with a slow song from the radio, and a deep conversation he could not resist breaking a promise and ruining someone else’s life that he had forgotten all day.

It is weird that he feels happy, angry, guilty, lost, and there is something else inside him that is screaming… another regret. Today was a mistake, he knew all along. It was something that he should have been avoided. But she made him ignore all the possibilities of losing someone precious. It was an inevitable sin that any human cannot deny, a mistake that everyone would make at least once in their life time. Because true love can be blinded by a single smile and a pretty face. Even when he knows that someone else’s life was at stake. A human being can be a deadly weapon to kill another human being. Love is nothing but a paradigm.

She

She comes home late tonight. Even though she has already asked her mom for permission, she feels bad for leaving her mother all alone at home. Her mom never comes home late. Whenever her mom needs to go out of town, she always comes along. They are their only best friends. She usually comes to her mother’s bedroom after a long day and she would describe everything that happened, but tonight she has to lie.

She comes barging into her bedroom right after she arrives home. She closes the door so very slowly so that she will not wake her mom. She hates to lie to her mother and the best way not to is by avoiding her for sometimes.
Her heart is still beating so fast, her cheeks are still red and hot, and the rain outside on a Saturday makes all the scenes feel so real. She drops her bag next to her nicely made up bed. Her sight is starting to be foggy. She needs to lean back to her white and purple wall before she crashes to the ground. What just happened 27 minutes ago? Did everything really occur in real life or just in her dream? Was the kiss just an illusion? Her feelings are all so mixed up right now. It is supposed to be wrong, but is she a bad person to admit that she enjoyed it?
No, it is not a sin to kiss someone that you are unsure of how you feel. But what is wrong is that he is someone else’s, and not hers in the first place. When his lips touched hers, the whole world was swirling around in the back of her head. It has been a long time since someone touched her lips. But the feel…it was different. It was something indescribable.
Him, the person that has been there when she went through a rough relationship and stayed until she decided to move on… sadly not to him but to another guy. He was still there, waiting for her to see his presence. For real. Two broken experiences of love and there he was, still expecting for her recognition. She thought he was gone to someone else’s hands but he kept coming right back at her. Whoever she ends up with and he ends up with, he will always find a way to see her. She never refuses and she kinds of like it and worse she becomes too dependent on him. Even her mother.
Is that wrong to be in the middle of two people’s relationship? Is that so wrong to ruin someone else’s life that she might not even know just for her own entertainment? Is that wrong wishing that he will not let go of her even though someone else’s life is on the verge of breaking? Is it too late to finally say that ‘I am waiting for you to come back to me and there shall I finally hold your hands in mine’? 
People will only regret things that had already happened and had already lost. People will only be grateful after they give up the things they used to chase. People will only realize how they are worth not until they got wasted by someone else. Because people will never feel enough with themselves and therefore they desire greater things and become even more greedy. In that moment, people do not realize that they are killing someone else and themselves.

I

I, a person who hates crowds but scared of being lonely. I, a female who does not believe in love but is always in need of a male’s affection. I, an independent woman but is clingy over a man’s excessive indulgence. I, the kind of partner who gives freedom but also scared of getting hurt and betrayal. I, such a complicated creature. It drives people crazy. It pushes them away.

The rain always makes everything worse especially when RY X songs are playing in the background. It is such a dark muse. I am staring into space, it makes my eyes hurt because of the cold wind that blows through my open window and stings them whenever I forget to blink. I have been sitting in my bed since this morning with my phone next to my feet. A rainy Saturday is so bad for my mood, especially when I have no plan to be out there playing under the water drops. I have tried to ask some people out, but they are not like me. I do not grow in a forest full of other trees. I am like the rare Encephalartos Woodii, it always needs a mate. But where is my mate right at this moment, when I really need him the most? I need him to pull me away before I fall deeper into this dark deep hole that I am already in. My phone screen is still a pitch black, cold concrete plastic, and as dead as the wish for a rescue. Dang, the rain is not only falling from the sky. Now the rain is inside my two red blotched eyes.
The sky turns dark far too quickly. I have not yet left my bed. Even when the land is already dry my eyes are still watering. The windows are still in the same spot. The storm could not even move them. The phone screen is never alive, and the hope of a dim light has faded away along the rain. Waiting for someone who will never come to rescue me is like a long highway without no turns and no stop. I keep driving until the car is dead on its own until it runs out of fuel. I have been repelling the urge to reach him first, but the rejection is what haunts me and it always has been on every Saturday with or without rain. I am only pleading. Wondering where he might be.

Someone Better or Nothing at All

Have you ever experienced losing your loved ones? I have. I lost one of my older sisters to an accident and I was old enough to suffer from a great condolence. Some people lost their families when they were still an infant. Does the feeling still consider the same? But they won’t suffer as much because they barely knew the people who leave them behind. There were five, now it becomes just the four of us. We lost the middle child, the barrier between the rulers and the followers, and she was always the wisest among all of us. I was supposed to be the rebel in the house, but she always reminded me that I have to be a good example for the youngest brother. If I kept acting reckless, who would watch him when I was the only person left in the house.

Two of our oldest siblings had already been married and she was one step closer to graduation and leaving me in charge of becoming the oldest child. Yes, she did leave me in charge but why did she have to leave me so far away and a little bit too soon? She did not say she would leave for good! It’s no fair that nobody knew.
But with her leaving all of us, it taught the four of us to be more grateful for each other’s company. She brought us closer and she made us understand truely about the love of a family. We become more giving to one another and I can feel the presence of God among us whenever we are together during Christmas. God brings her along on this special day and we become whole again every once in a year.
I become more responsible with my actions. When I was still naive, I used to be so mad to everyone all the time. But she taught me how to forgive and to accept fate. People are still hurting me from every corner of my life, but then I will always remember the smile on her face. I thought I would cope in sadness for too long and that my life would be ruined. But look at me now…by accepting fate and forgiving all the guilts in this world I am standing still and tall in places I thought I would never be, receiving achievements that I thought was just for people who have not through enough pains to get there, and my life goals are crossed out one by one.
The lost of someone you love can be two things, I know it is an ugly experience and a deathly pain, but you can be either someone better or nothing at all. When you lost someone important in your life, God is teaching you to be ready for anything at all whether you like it or not.

How Not to Hate Your Life

“How not to hate your life”

Here are some tips how not to hate your life.

  1. Do the things that you love : Remember, this is very different with “love what you do” because it is forcing you to be happy when you are not. Everything is always bad when it is being forced. It is not hard to do what you love, just simply do what you want to do and you are basically going to be the happiest person. But before you make your decision, you get to think of the consequences. Everything has its own risk and it needs your full responsibilities. I am going to give an easy example if you love cheesy fries and you crave for them every day and for every meal, you have to think for yourself what will cheesy fries do to your health if you eat them 3x in a day. If you love singing and want to be a singer, you know tongues are the best judges of all. How criticism will affect your mental health. You have to think for the long term. I love writing. Of course, I have to think about the consequences, the responsibilities that I cannot get away from.
  2. Do what you are good at when it comes to making money : You know you are good at Graphic Design, you should make money from it. There are ways, maybe you should consider applying for a job as a Graphic Designer or you can make your own business over it. Yet, this can be challenging. Maybe there will come a day when you are so effed by looking at your computer screen, squinting your eyes to make a perfectly straight line, or making the most eye-catching brochure. Well, everybody will be there soon enough because that means you are just doing the right thing.
  3. Do / Be what your heart desires : If your heart tells you to be a clown, so be it, if your heart tells you to go to the mall so do it. Even though sometimes your heart wants something strange, follow it! Trust me you will feel accomplished and at least you are happy and on the right path. If you feel like exercising, go hit the gym, go on a jog, or whatever. But if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to. Nobody forces you to (unless you’re on a program).
  4. Find reasons why you are doing it : Now if you know what to do and to be, find your reasons why you should follow what your heart desire. If you want to resign from your current job, find your reasons why. If you think your job is not giving you what you need like challenges or enough salary that you deserve, then why not? You are worth more than that. Or if you want to break up with your significant other, find a reason why. Is it because he/she cheating on you and you don’t want to give them any last chance? Or maybe because you feel like you are in a destructive relationship that is going nowhere and you feel like you are just wasting time with him/her? Fine, end whatever that needs to be as long as you have the right reason why.
  5. Have enough rest : If you are having a very hectic week, schedule at least one day from your weekend to take a full day rest. Just do nothing and be lazy for a day, it won’t kill your brain cells and make you become stupid or unproductive. Wake up late, stay in your bed for 18 hours, call for a pizza delivery, binge watch Netflix all day, or read a very good novel, maybe you don’t even have to take a shower (at least brush your teeth).
  6. Go have a day / night out : Don’t lock yourself in the same places every day. Office – home – office – home. Take one day of your weekend to go out, have a nice lunch, go on a picnic, or go shopping, or maybe you can visit pubs on Friday night if you have already scheduled for a rest on Saturday, or you can go out for dinner in a cozy restaurant on a Wednesday night.
  7. Keep in touch with your old friends : Arrange for a meet up with some old friends, catch up what has been left, talk about those good old days.
  8. Go on a date with your so : Haven’t been in any fun and romantic activities with your so because of that loaded paperwork? Have a spontaneous date night. Maybe on Monday night, to ease the next four days, ask your so to go on a fancy dinner or movie date. You don’t have wait for a celebration to go fancy dining, there will always be something to be celebrated for, your relationship, your children, your job that you love, anything. Or you want to cook at home and make something special? Put on those scented candles, spice it up a bit in the bedroom after home-cooked fancy dinner, just forget that weekend is still a long way to go.
  9. Surround yourself with the people who are grateful for your well-being : That means those people need you and they love having you to be around them. Surround yourself with these kinds of people, you will appreciate yourself more then.
  10. Be grateful : God loves those who are grateful. Being grateful that means you are accepting whole heartedly of what God has given you. It is like giving someone a birthday present and seeing them happy and thankful, you feel like you want to give them more. So, don’t forget to be grateful.
“There is something about you,” she said in the bathroom. I just came out of the cubicle to wash my hands and to fix my hair.
“Excuse me?” I asked in a complete utter surprise.
“I can see it in your eyes.” she could not take her sight off of me.
“What exactly is that if I may know?” as I smiled politely.
“Pain,” she said suddenly narrowing her eyes.
I did not say anything because I was too shocked that she could see through me. I do feel sad and so much in pain today, but I have not told any body. I have been pondering all day, is it because of my supervisor who is a total pain in the ass or is it because I am brought back to the memories of my dark days?
“Your eyes, they reflect pain. It is like you are unhappy and you are still holding on to something. You still can’t accept the torment that someone had given you, you still can’t… is it forgive or forget?” she said still studying my face.
“How do you…” I almost ran out of the bathroom, but my hair was half done.
“Darling, you have such a beautiful face. But your eyes, I can see so much pain in you! Whatever happened in the past, you have to let it go.”
“Well…” I was almost telling her the story behind everything but contemplating.
“Can you see this?” pointing to her eyes. “This is what exhaustion looks like. But every time when I see you, that sadness in your eyes, they never fade. It is a pity because you are a pretty girl.”
“Maybe it is just because today is a bad day for me.”
“I hope so,” she said while walking away out of the bathroom. “I do really hope it is only today. Don’t be sad all the time, let your bautiful face glistens with all the happiness. So people can enjoy seeing how pretty you are.”
I was still standing inside the bathroom, with the water still running from the faucet, I felt so naked. I have never felt so naked in front of a stranger before. I am not the best poker face player in this universe. But I wish somehow, I have a thick mask to cover up the draining energy out of my eyes.
I just wish that there is someone out there waiting for me to let him put on the mask right to my face and stick it there forever.