La Vie est Belle

Life is beautiful.

See the colors of nature,

hear the sound of the wind,

feel the warmth of the sun.

Life in pink.

Love is everywhere,

open your eyes,

look around you.

Love brings you life.

Love gives you soul.

Love is beautiful.

When life is full of love,

it will be a lot more beautiful,

then coping inside your own dark clouds.

You can see,

that life is beautiful if you have love.

“La vie est une fleur dont l’amour est le miel.” – Victor Hugo

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A Crush

Cute,

That is how people describe it.

It is a pain,

that is not yet been felt.

You are so close,

but still feels too far away.

Childish,

as I refer this to.

But you have been in this place before.

Everybody has.

It is not certain,

that some might disappear and some might stay for a long time.

It sometimes can make you smile,

sometimes brings you tears.

It is the feeling that you hate.

Like you want something,

but you are scared it does not want you back.

The fear of rejection.

The fear of losing someone,

and that you don’t have the power to control over.

The trigger to all ‘what if’ questions.

Is it love?

You feel like you are owning them,

but you are not.

A crush,

that is what it is called.

Something that will be a future lesson,

that you might find worth fighting for,

or just a waste of your time.

Look at me!

Look at me!

I am here,

breathing and existing.

Look at me!

I am here,

my black petals are blooming.

Look at me!

I know,

they have pretty pastel colors.

Won’t you notice me?

Hiding in the middle of other flowers,

trying to fit in and shine the brightest.

I was born faded black.

I was born to shield light.

I was born as a mourning sign.

But if you would just look closer and deeper,

I might reborn with a new meaning,

that a dark in between lights is more than just a jinx,

more than just tears before laugh,

that I am real and concrete,

and for you to hold.

Look at me!

Won’t you see me?

Lover, Please Stay

I plead.

But you don’t even know it.

I beg.

But you think I am free.

I love.

But you think you are just another pit stop.

As much as I hurt myself,

I am saving it from you.

As much as you’re hurting,

I am saving yourself from me.

“I have to let you go,” I say, pleading with agony.

“Am I hurting you?” you ask with the same pain I am feeling reflecting in your eyes.

“No,” I take my hand away from your grasp.

“Then, why are you doing this?” you look at me, wanting to beg but all you can show is the sadness in your face.

I desperately want to cup your face in my both hands, brush your cheeks with my thumbs, to stare deeply into your eyes for as long as I can live,  and tell you how I actually feel. That I am happy, that I love you, that I want to be with you, but too cowardly afraid to admit that you might hurt me because I am the kind of person who looks back to the past. It is not about mine, it is about your past. The past has always been the weapon to kill. I was once killed by the past, I have not been alive enough to be killed again by it.

Why don’t you just tell him the reason? He will deceive me easily.

Maybe he’s changed! People do change, but only if they really want to. 

But you don’t even know if it’s true or not! Better prevent it happening than finding out when it becomes too late to turn away. 

“We are not meant for each other,” my heart aches. It squeezes so tight inside my chest. Oucham I dying? “We have the same personalities. None of us wants to concede.” Here I go again with the lie that I am not good at doing.

You fall silent for a moment, maybe agreeing with what I just said. If you can see it, my body shivers like there is a war inside. I pin down myself in my seat as hard as I can. If I can’t control myself, I would push myself and put my arms around you so tight and would probably never let go. If that happens, there is nothing in this world that can make me let go. That is why I need to walk away before I trip over and fall into the unending loop. I have to stop myself from getting hurt. I am broken enough. I am ruined enough.

I stood up abruptly.

You take my hand before I can start walking. “Please, stay!”

I clench my other hand. Don’t turn back! Don’t look back! Just go, run!

“Please, stay…” you say once again, sound more vulnerable.

Lover, please stay. I can hear you whisper as you’re loosening up your grip. You’re letting me go.

I don’t want to play your game or any game. Not anymore.

As I walk away,

the trail behind me follows.

We never stop for a rest,

never will.

Until we reach that stop,

that some people told it exists.

That some people called,

a happy ending.

 

 

15 Minutes

You only need 15 minutes to make someone fall in love.

15 minutes is all you need to shatter someone’s life.

To break someone’s trust, people can do it in just 15 minutes.

You can turn someone’s life upside down in just 15 minutes.

In only 15 minutes you will find out the truth about a person’s life.

I wish those 15 minutes will go away.

I keep closing my eyes, hoping those 15 minutes will pass.

I push the thoughts so hard, to avoid those 15 minutes.

I wish those 15 minutes never happened.

Because in only 15 minutes,

I have killed myself for thousands of times.

Because in only 15 minutes,

people leave me to die.

Because in only 15 minutes,

they are cheering for the pains they have caused and will cause.

Because in only 15 minutes,

I let the devil win.

 

Sweetheart, What Have You Done to Us?

With your smile, my world is nothing but a constellation. It was dark, but then stars start twinkling. I thought I could never find my way home, but you showed me the way. I was lost, but you guided me. Telling that everything was going to be alright because you would keep me safe. No matter what happens, you will always stay.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

You make me worry about what might happen and overthink about what had happened. You were a strong rock, that even a tornado would never drop your guard. But now you are moving back and forth like you are waiting for the right wind to take you. You are not sure where to go, south or north? Wherever you choose to go, will you take me?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

I know you are scared to make the wrong decision. I am scared too. It seems like all the choices we have is going to lead us nowhere. The question is, are we ever going to be okay with it? All the possibilities we will face, don’t forget the downs we need to get through with or without each other. Will I be holding your hands when I am at my worst and vice versa?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

We used to be two peas in a pod. We completed each other and fill out the emptiness we had left behind for years. You used to look at me with those fire in your eyes. You used to make me feel wanted like I had never felt before in my life. You used to occupy all the visible space in my head. Tears and bruises used to be the forgotten friends of mine. No darkness will ever come near me, even when night comes I would feel like it was the brightest day I could ever see.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

The light is now dimmed. The butterflies had long died. The warmth of your fingertips feels colder than I thought. Your silence, it was never there before. The fights were merely a thing for us to acknowledge. We were calm, like a breezy wind at night. But now, every once in a while we were like a seething wave. I thought we were fine.

Sweetheart, what have we done to us?

1/16/2018

That cold wind I always remember is blowing, brushing my skin.

That sunlight I always crave for is shining, touching my whole body.

Whenever the morning comes,

I feel the rush to open all the windows and doors,

welcoming that wind and that sunlight,

into my life once again.

Every morning like this is my only true happiness.

To hear the sound of leaves swooshing all around,

to see the trees dancing.

The trees and sunlight are my friends.

I want to stand in the middle, spreading my hands wide open,

soaking up the moment I am in, and just stay like this forever.

I have been too far away for so long.

They missed me.

They are happy that I am finally home.

Yeah, I am home.

 

These I Have Loved

These I have loved;

Gooey yellowish thawed slime; the reeked stench of a cheese;

Brownish sometimes pitch black liquid; sizzling in a big coffee mug;

The twinging sensation from a pungent culinary; sweats of joy and satisfaction;

The purring sound from a ball of furs;

The rhythm of a piano and flute;

The petrichor of a heavy rain; freshly damped earth;

The sound of tranquility – in aesthetic forms of soul;

 

The smell of books; grayish white into moldy pages;

A group of impregnable people; humorous and loyal.

Love; friendship;

Memories from another time;

Life; Truth;

These I have loved.

Inspired by The Great Lover (1915) by Rupert Brooke

 

7/16/2016

I remembered that night.

The first time that we met,

you smiled at me,

my heart pulsated.

I remembered that day.

The first time we ever talked,

your voice was so gentle,

my body shimmered.

I remembered that morning.

The first time we laughed together,

your eyes shone so bright,

my head spun in circle.

It was a quixotic scheme,

that I will never erase.

One day you disappeared.

Where are you?

I need you!

Every time I kept saying goodbyes,

you wouldn’t let me.

You were there once again,

blocking my way.

I was trapped,

for the second time.

I was settled by your affection.

But you wouldn’t let me.

Then you were gone again.

I tried to run away.

You were suddenly right behind me,

pulling me into a deep trance.

I was in frenzy for the third time.

I pleaded.

I begged you to stay.

I didn’t want to disappear,

I didn’t want you to.

You would not listen,

would you?

Before answering,

you were gone again the next time I opened my eyes.

STOP THIS!

Leave me,

or love me!

Choose!

I knew you were scared.

I knew we both were.

We were lost.

But we could find a way,

I know we would.

But it’s too late, isn’t it?

What are we?

We can stop pretending.

We can try.

What’s the hurt from trying?

We got nothing to lose.

Or did we?

Please,

stop this whatever we are doing!

Whatever we are now!

Be gone,

if you wish.

Don’t come back!

Don’t ever come back!

I’m begging you.