Throwback (2000’s)

It’s time for some throwback!

I love music. I have always been into music probably since I was born because my dad used to be a musician and he plays music wherever and whenever he can. He introduced me to my first music from the 80’s and he still listens to them until now. If you ever ride with my dad, he still has that CD and FlashDisk (once upon a time they were cassette tapes). I remembered him playing so many Phil Collins, Elton JohnRichard Marx, The Roxette, Air Supply, Michael Bolton, Marc Anthony, Toni Braxton, All-4-One, and his all-time-fave Kenny G (have I mentioned that he collected all of his records?) and this one Kenny G song always plays in his car ‘Songbird’ and this one song that still in his playlist with Songbird, ‘Careless Whisper’ by George Michael. Every time I listen to those songs, the first thing that pops out in my head is the smell of my dad’s car (it will always smell the same since I was born even though he changes cars quite a lot), his presence, and driving with him in a pouring rain (don’t ask me why because I have no explanation why). I love you, Papa! Thanks for introducing me to music since I was born.

Moving on…

Then growing up, my mom introduced me to (mostly boybands because she is one of Westlife’s biggest fans and she had a huge crush on Mark Freehily) pop music. I remember my older sister and me collected cassette tapes of Backstreet Boys, Westlife, *NSYNC, Madonna, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera (since around 2000, Christina Aguilera has always been my idol until now) and etc.

But my sister and I could finally explore music on our own when we were ten and eight.

Then, I started to dig deeper into music and started to watch MTV more often. In 2005, I started to love Pop Rock/Alternative Rock music. We listened to Good Charlotte, Muse, Simple Plan, Evanescence, and Linkin Park, MCR, and etc.

So I am going to share with you the ‘Playlist of My Life Millennium Edition’;

  1.  Britney Spears – Sometimes (this is my and my sister’s favorite song. I was 6 and she was 8, we used to sing this wherever we go and we used to play the music video before bed)
  2. t.A.T.u – Not Gonna Get Us and All About Us, (does anyone else know this Russian duo?),
  3. Good Charlotte – I Just Wanna Live (I still remember singing and dancing crazily to this song with my sister. Such good times)
  4. Hoobastank – The Reason
  5. Simple Plan – Untitled (this song makes me sad)
  6. Muse – Unintended (this song always makes me cry since 2000), and Sing For Absolution
  7. Maroon 5 – Sunday Morning (of course I have to include Maroon 5, I mean come on!)
  8. Lily Allen – Smile (we loved the music video!)
  9. Linkin Park – Leave Out All The Rest and What I’ve Done
  10. James Blunt – Beautiful (classic!)
  11. Secondhand Serenade – Fall For You (I started to love Secondhand Serenade already as a teenager if 13 years old is considered a teen)
  12. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Dani California
  13. Eminem – When I’m Gone (this song shatters my heart)
  14. *NSYNC – This I Promise You
  15. The Killers – Mr. Brightside

There are still so many of them, but let me just share 15 of them for now on. I was such a dark muse when I was a kid LOL

Share with me your own Millennium Playlist 🙂

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How to handle your anxiety?

Anxiety.

It is a feeling of fear, worry, anger, sadness, disappointment on oneself and people in life. This all-in-one feeling will come attacking you during unexpected hours and in unexpected places. With a little bit of cold sweat and heartbeat racing inside your chest, making your lungs suffocate and impossible to grasp for air. Your pupils will expand and sometimes you will also experience nausea.

When the anxiety comes, you’re never alone. Even though you are hiding under the blanket in the dark or while driving back home from work, there will always be ‘the other’ you. You will be haunted by thoughts that have been haunting you for so long or sometimes your head is clear but you will hear voices of yourself saying all the negative things you didn’t do in the past. Blaming you, consuming yourself into another demon. Panic attack.

You will start to be frantic all of a sudden. You can cry. You can shout. You can shield both your ears with anything, but those thoughts and voices will still be there with you. You keep denying. You push them away as hard as you can. You put a huge barrier around. Until there is nothing you can do, but let them come and kill you off. Again. Once they are gone, you will be exhausted like you were running a marathon but really all you did was nothing but hoping they might stop. But wait, they will return and you will always try to fight them.

How did you know?

Anxiety has always been my enemy since two years ago.

What causes anxiety?

Anything, really. Situations. Environment. Society. Politics. Religion (that sometimes is related to politics). Economy. Human beings.

Sometimes another human being can be the most dangerous predator than animals.

This will be my first time opening up about my anxiety or GAD.

I am not exactly sure yet about having a GAD, but I have the qualified symptoms. I have been contemplating about going to psychiatrist or anyone for help really. But here is the thing, I have never gone. Why? Because I am scared of the truth and to be honest I am a little embarrassed. My biggest mistake. I needed help. I have only been talking to my closest friends that I trust the most, that I think my ‘secret’ will be safe with them. But they can’t always help me through all these panic attacks because they have no experience in handling people like me. They only can help me by providing great pieces of advice that sometimes I rebuff even though I know they are right because anxiety will never let you be normal.

Here is a little of the story of my anxiety.

I never really realized I had it until one night this huge and unbearable panic attack came. I have experienced a nervous breakdown before, like when I was about to talk in front of a bunch of people, but it was never really this severe. It was late at night, I was having insomnia as usual whenever I thought I was fine but actually, I was having anxiety inside my head but always denied it, I was listening to some music while playing Buzzfeed quiz (by the way, this is fun you know). There was nothing wrong, yeah I had some bad thoughts inside my head but I didn’t let them get into me by using my headphones and setting the volume quite high (kids, this is dangerous if you do this very often). My heart started to beat faster and cold sweats started falling down my neck. I was suffocating and my heart jolted several times making my chest hurt.

I was lying on my bed inside my room alone, in the dark, but everything became the opposite. Like I was in the middle of crowds, in a blaring light.

I started to panic. These demons, these thoughts started to get into my head because my power had been weakened and the music faded even when the headphones were still in their place.

“It was your fault he cheated on you!”

“You were never good enough for him, that’s why he left!”

“You are nothing compared to other girls! You’re not thin enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re weak, you’re just a piece of trash!”

“He never loved you! He even confessed he regretted dating you in the first place…you know what is worse? when he said it to the girl that you will never be able to compete! You should be ashamed!”

“You let all those bad things ruined your life in the first place and you never did anything about it, it’s your fault that your life is worthless!”

“You will never fit in anywhere!”

“You’re a fool! That is why they know you’re an easy prey to kill!” 

“People hate you. Nobody likes you because you’re too much to handle.”

“Stop making dramas out of nothing!”

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DID EVERYTHING I DID! as I screamed to my own self.

I cried and cried, I kept blaming myself. Until I no longer had the power to, I finally collapsed into lucid dreams that brought me into a deep sleep with pounding chest trying to rush in the oxygen that was being captivated in my throat.

What caused my anxiety?

Some people in my past that I no longer keep. A job that I no longer work at.

There are guys I fell in and out of love before in my life. But there is this one guy that turned me into someone I was never before. That triggered my biggest anxiety. I was always this careless girl. I was always an ignorant person. But this guy turned me into a whole new person. The opposite of my old self. Why did I change? Because I wanted to be good for him. Even though I had given all of me, EVERYTHING would never be enough. If I could give him my soul, I would. That was how much I used to love him. I thought I was happy, but it turned out to be otherwise. But you know what, I kept denying and denying. Deceiving myself, telling myself I was happy. But since the day I fell in love with him, I started to keep questioning myself “am I good enough for him?”. Then I found out about him cheating on me for enough time (say it started in the first month of our relationship. Hey, I have my sources so I know). Then, every night I always cried and cried asking harder “am I really good enough for him?” and I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I would wake up in the middle of the night just to cry myself to sleep, started losing weight, and my chest hurt from the oxygen I didn’t receive. Those demons were finally born inside my head at that time and stay there until now.

Such tragedy of love. That I thought fairytale love was real.

I knew deep down, deep inside my heart that I was never happy with him. I was never myself with him. I kept holding back. But even after I knew he was cheating on me, I still denied myself and telling me I was happy. Why would I do that? because if I gave in, that means the demons won. So, I always put on that fake smile every day.

On the other side of my life, my job was also such a pressure to me. I didn’t fit in there, the boss was an ass ( I am sorry for my bluntness). That job also made me the unhappiest I had ever been. But again, because I needed to be grateful for the job I had so I pushed myself to fit in. But the more I pushed, the more severe this anxiety became. As always, I denied myself telling me I was fine. It was not GAD, I didn’t have a mental sickness, I was happy and living my life to the fullest. I had a boyfriend that loved me (or so I thought) and a job that kept me alive. But everything was a lie, though as much as I knew it was true…I buried the truth deep in my head. The panic attack came more often. Coffee helps, it sets down my anxiety, so I drink more coffee every day. I know coffee probably is the worst medicine when having a panic attack, it increases the heart palpitations. But it eases the demons in my head and helps me focus on other things.

I used to have no friends to talk to because everyone seems busy with their own life. I couldn’t talk to my family because I didn’t want to make them worry and make them ask me to move back home. So I pushed myself, alone, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to quit my job and finally spoke to my parents (they really asked me to move back home because they are worried). The relationship ended (it was him who ended it blaming me for being myself and him cheating with another girl for the thousandth of times). Then here I am, taking my Master degree and went back to living with my parents care. But still is being haunted by these demons, but now it becomes less and less.

The past is still haunting me. The terror stays with me. It has already affected me in so many things (and not in a good way). I suddenly have a trust-issue, where I never really had before. It actually ruined everything. I have so many new friends but it is just hard to know which one that I can really trust the most. I met a new guy there that I never thought I could fall in love with. But I did. But because I keep seeing the past, that terror, I am too afraid to move forward. Whenever I tried to convince myself that it is okay, the anxiety gets to me more often. I get so panic easily. My chest hurts almost every day from the rising heartbeat whenever those demons start to show up inside my head telling me all the negative things. I didn’t let the demons win, so I walked out of the love I thought would help to heal my past. This time, it was not him who ended it… it was me. As much as I wanted to be with him, as much as I loved him, I don’t want this anxiety to win me over again. The demons keep telling me, that he is just like the other guy who hurt you, he will leave you, he will do the same things and much worse. It still hurts to see him everywhere I go. I do love him and I am hurting. But walking away from him helps to slow down these demons. So, I decided to be better off alone for sometimes.

So, how actually to handle anxiety?

First, you have to know what really makes you happy. If you don’t like math, don’t push yourself too hard on that. Just because your anxiety tells you that you’re weak because you can’t finish some stupid equations that can’t solve itself, it does not mean you are weak and worthless. It means that math is not your field, is not your thing. Don’t push yourself to be the best at it. As long as you can pass your grade in math, you’re safe! But instead of coping yourself with negativity, you can always try to be the best in doing things that you love to do. If you hate math and suck at it, but you like biology and good at it, then you should be more focus on biology and expand your love in there. Be the best in your field, your anxiety will never tell you that you’re not good enough.

Second, surround yourself with only some people that bring you happiness and joy. You don’t have to be with a huge group of friends that only creates dramas. Just be with a handful of people that can make you at ease, that can help you in handling your fears, that you trust the most, that brings out the best in you. Walk away from toxic people! Because toxic people are the ones that will only worsen your anxiety.

Third, help other people. Sometimes helping other people who experience the same kind of experience as you will help. The advice you offer to someone, sometimes would come from deep inside you and it was all you need for yourself but you never find it until you give it to someone else.

Fourth, embrace your anxiety. Don’t deny yourself anymore. If you’re unhappy then believe it. Once you believe it, then you can help yourself. If you know you’re unhappy, you’ll find the core to what makes you feel that way. So you can ‘fix’ it. Be happy, find a cure by doing something fun.

Fifth, if you can’t handle it yourself or probably it is too hard to bear, then find a professional. Find a psychiatrist! Before everything becomes too late.

That is all for today. I am so sorry for the long post, I hope this post will help.

 

Forgiveness

There was once a quote stated by Thomas Szasz;

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; The naive forgive and forget; The wise forgive but do not forget.”

Which kind of person are you? The stupid, the naive, or the wise?

Everyone knows that forgiving someone is not easy looking at how big the mistakes a person did. It is you to decide which kind of person you need to be in that situation. You can either forgive and forget or simply forgive but would never forget. Forgiving itself is already hard, let alone you need to forget.

I don’t have the best tips how to do both or be naive. It is your decision to make. You can forgive, but for the sake of your own self, you don’t forget. Why don’t people who have been hurt forget someone’s mistakes?

Depends on that person and the mistakes. You don’t always remember the person who broke your favorite pencil in 5th grade, right? Or a person who ever said mean things to you two years ago. Why? Because they don’t change you, at least they don’t change a part of you. It’s different from the person who hurt you so much that it changed you into a whole new person. You will never forget. Because that person is the reason for who you are now.

You were a dancer, but a car driver hit you hard one night you could never dance anymore. Will you ever forget that moment? or can you? You may forgive him/her, but it does not mean you can forget. Because that mistake is already a part of you. You can’t take away some parts of your life. The past. You can never erase, take away, bury the past. Here is one thing, you eventually will forget who did what but for sure I know the only thing that will always haunt you is the thing that someone did.

One day, I came home to find one of my window car broken and someone stole all of my mom’s documents. I could never forget what happened that day, but I don’t even remember who did it. You remember event, not person.

Why? Is that okay?

Totally okay!

Why?

To give you some lesson in the future that you need to prevent the same bad thing happening. To teach you how to change yourself into a better person. In my case, to teach you how to be more cautious where to park your car (or never leave any bags inside it if the windows are see-through).

You will never learn if you don’t experience anything. It kills you when someone hurts you so bad it turns your life upside down. But you have to know, that everything happens for a reason.

Forgiving someone gives so many positive vibes in your life. Here is the thing, “you still haven’t forgiven me if you can’t forget what I had done in the past.” forgiving does not mean forgetting. By forgiving someone means that you are mature, wise, and rational. It gives you the strength to be happy and start something new with a clear head and heart. But forgetting things that had changed you mean that you are ignorant, never learn, and headstrong. That means, you can always go back to doing things that might let someone does the same bad things happen in the future if you never learn from someone’s mistake.

Learn how to forgive someone else starts with forgiving yourself. Learn from someone else’s mistakes start with learning your own mistakes. Someone will not hurt you if you don’t let them. That is your biggest mistake! Letting someone else hurt you in the first place. I parked my car outside, leaving all the bags in the back seat, and so I gave a chance for the stealer to do their mistakes. I was so care-free that so many people betrayed me and crushed all the faith in me, leaving me with all these bruises and a severe trust-issue. My biggest mistake was that I let them did it in the first place. But I have learned so many lessons, that you can never get what you want, that you can’t devote yourself 100% to anything or anyone but God, that I am not alone and that I have to be a better person to never let this thing happen in the future. I know why it happened so I would start to change everything starting with myself. I don’t remember who but I still can’t forget what had changed me. People remember events, not people.

Forgiveness, one cruel word but the impact is everything.

Forgiving someone prevents you from a miserable life. You know you are not happy because you still hold on to your pain and grudges. You need to forgive yourself in order to forgive someone else. Don’t ever blame yourself or anyone for all the bad things that happen, just remember that they happen for a reason. One day, they will worth the tears and forgiveness you have sacrificed. Everyone who fights deserves a reward. That reward is waiting for you so don’t ever stop fighting for it. Forgive is the best way to start.

Forgiveness means letting go. Let go all the grudges and breathe.

Just breathe and smile.

It helps.

What Really Makes Your Life Miserable

You are having a severe disease, you are sick all the time but you have been taking your medicine everyday that you thought was healing you, but your health gets worse. You think that there is something wrong with your immune so you keep blaming yourself for every worst case.

What do you think is wrong? Have you ever really considered thinking that maybe the medicine is empowering the disease? Have you checked? If you have and you knew all along that the medicine is not good for you and is killing you but you keep consuming the pills because you believe that maybe it will heal you somehow and because you are already too dependent on it. You must stop taking the medicine!
It goes the same with your life. You know exactly what makes your life full of anxious, stress, and doubts. Because you keep surrounding yourself with toxic people. You keep them around you and you think they might change and make your life worth living. But the truth is, the longer you hang around them, the uglier your life will get. Stop thinking that you can be happy with them just because you are scared of letting them go. Some bad people will always stay bad until they have their lesson.
The only thing that can save you is yourself. You have to realize when it is time to walk out of their lives. Appreciate yourself for your own happiness. Always make sure that you come first, never put anyone else above you! Be selfish for sometimes. Stop taking that medicine, those toxic pills. Walk out and be happy! You deserve a happy life, even without anybody involved.

How to Not Hate Your Life

“How not to hate your life”

Here are some tips how not to hate your life.

  1. Do the things that you love : Remember, this is very different with “love what you do” because it is forcing you to be happy when you are not. Everything is always bad when it is being forced. It is not hard to do what you love, just simply do what you want to do and you are basically going to be the happiest person. But before you make your decision, you get to think of the consequences. Everything has its own risk and it needs your full responsibilities. I am going to give an easy example if you love cheesy fries and you crave for them every day and for every meal, you have to think for yourself what will cheesy fries do to your health if you eat them 3x in a day. If you love singing and want to be a singer, you know tongues are the best judges of all. How criticism will affect your mental health. You have to think for the long term. I love writing. Of course, I have to think about the consequences, the responsibilities that I cannot get away from.
  2. Do what you are good at when it comes to making money : You know you are good at Graphic Design, you should make money from it. There are ways, maybe you should consider applying for a job as a Graphic Designer or you can make your own business over it. Yet, this can be challenging. Maybe there will come a day when you are so effed by looking at your computer screen, squinting your eyes to make a perfectly straight line, or making the most eye-catching brochure. Well, everybody will be there soon enough because that means you are just doing the right thing.
  3. Do / Be what your heart desires : If your heart tells you to be a clown, so be it, if your heart tells you to go to the mall so do it. Even though sometimes your heart wants something strange, follow it! Trust me you will feel accomplished and at least you are happy and on the right path. If you feel like exercising, go hit the gym, go on a jog, or whatever. But if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to. Nobody forces you to (unless you’re on a program).
  4. Find reasons why you are doing it : Now if you know what to do and to be, find your reasons why you should follow what your heart desire. If you want to resign from your current job, find your reasons why. If you think your job is not giving you what you need like challenges or enough salary that you deserve, then why not? You are worth more than that. Or if you want to break up with your significant other, find a reason why. Is it because he/she cheating on you and you don’t want to give them any last chance? Or maybe because you feel like you are in a destructive relationship that is going nowhere and you feel like you are just wasting time with him/her? Fine, end whatever that needs to be as long as you have the right reason why.
  5. Have enough rest : If you are having a very hectic week, schedule at least one day from your weekend to take a full day rest. Just do nothing and be lazy for a day, it won’t kill your brain cells and make you become stupid or unproductive. Wake up late, stay in your bed for 18 hours, call for a pizza delivery, binge watch Netflix all day, or read a very good novel, maybe you don’t even have to take a shower (at least brush your teeth).
  6. Go have a day / night out : Don’t lock yourself in the same places every day. Office – home – office – home. Take one day of your weekend to go out, have a nice lunch, go on a picnic, or go shopping, or maybe you can visit pubs on Friday night if you have already scheduled for a rest on Saturday, or you can go out for dinner in a cozy restaurant on a Wednesday night.
  7. Keep in touch with your old friends : Arrange for a meet up with some old friends, catch up what has been left, talk about those good old days.
  8. Go on a date with your so : Haven’t been in any fun and romantic activities with your so because of that loaded paperwork? Have a spontaneous date night. Maybe on Monday night, to ease the next four days, ask your so to go on a fancy dinner or movie date. You don’t have wait for a celebration to go fancy dining, there will always be something to be celebrated for, your relationship, your children, your job that you love, anything. Or you want to cook at home and make something special? Put on those scented candles, spice it up a bit in the bedroom after home-cooked fancy dinner, just forget that weekend is still a long way to go.
  9. Surround yourself with the people who are grateful for your well-being : That means those people need you and they love having you to be around them. Surround yourself with these kinds of people, you will appreciate yourself more then.
  10. Be grateful : God loves those who are grateful. Being grateful that means you are accepting whole heartedly of what God has given you. It is like giving someone a birthday present and seeing them happy and thankful, you feel like you want to give them more. So, don’t forget to be grateful.

The Unexpected

There are two kinds of people on this planet;

  1. The one who’s expecting the unexpected
  2. The one who just lets the unexpected happens

I am both, I guess. I chase opportunities. But when they take some times, I usually back away slowly but leave my whole heart on the way hoping it will come again. Then boom, the unexpected happens when I am almost losing all hopes. I don’t know what God has planned, but mostly He writes my story with so much minor plot twists. They twirl my world a little bit too much in here and there, making a small hurricane without the storm.

You can imagine how much the life of a 22 year old has gone up and down. It fluctuates every five minutes. One minute she feels lucky, the next minute she is attacked by the series of unfortunate events. It can be anything! From the moment she opens her eyes and even before she takes the first breath, something will change quickly. Maybe she gets a text from a cute guy blessing her morning, or maybe even a break up text.

One night, the haunting hour has not yet passed by. The phone in my hand kept ding-ing with the multiple texts from three people at the same time. One text full of jokes, gossips, and curses. The other text full with recalling back happy memories. The last text full with one-sided arguments and recriminations.

I cried and then laughed. Then when there were spare times away from them, I’m brooding. Looking up at the ceiling, staring at the flowery beam around the lamp, thinking I might end one of the conversations, having enough plot twists for one night. The texts of jokes, gone without closure. The texts with memories, never been opened since. So I decided to finish the arguments instead, anyway I never like it to sleep with a head full of thoughts.

A small plot twist. The arguments turned into my breaking point where I no longer believe in the future. One thing that flipped it upside down, the proof of a chance to find a long lost human being that was once my whole world but a tornado blew him away. One future closing up, another one coming in ahead. Maybe, just a 0.50% maybe because it had to get through a bumpy road up and down some hills.

Another small plot twist. The arguments continued without ending, even after ignoring seemed ruthless. A small pop-out on my screen turned the frown right-side-up, creating a heat that caused blush. In a single click, I know what I had to do! To make more plot twist, but this one was the biggest of all. The major one and I knew my life would change forever. I threw away the only toxic in my life and I could feel a load of burdens lifted up from my chest. If you are a woman, you would probably know how it feels. You know that feeling of freedom and relieve when you finally take off your bra after 12 hours? I know right?!

Then, yes I took small and careful steps to take the risk. I am not the kind of person who is scared of being alone. I rarely crave for a relationship, I am the other wise. I always have been in chains longing for liberty. But I still considered gambling to win the war I had lost once, seven years ago. I have had taken the same chance when God cracked open the door a little, but my move was reckless and aimless. I hit the door instead of entering, he was gone again by the time I stood back up. Then, I waited… waited… until God opened the door big enough for me to slip in smoothly.

“Hey, how are you? It’s been so long since the last time we talked.” 

I knew it, waiting patiently would finally make everything worth in the end. God is opening so many doors and behind each of them are the plot twists you can make your own self. Big and small. The biggest plot twist in my entire life (yet), the return of a missing human being. It sounds simple, but if you know how I had lost all of my hopes but still leaving my whole heart with that person, this is a triumph almost like a lifetime achievement. Well, because it takes a lifetime for me to be able to reach for it. Once I have it in my hands, it will always remain there.

So, hold on to the unexpected. Hold on to your dreams. When you almost lose all hopes, back away a little, slowly, but if you think your heart belongs there then leave it somewhere along the way. Someday it will find the way back to you along with the dreams you almost gave up on.

Be both kind of person. Expect and let it happens when the time comes.

Billie Eilish – Bored

Billie Eilish – Bored


The games you played were never fun
You’d say you’d stay but then you’d run

Giving you what you’re begging for
Giving you what you say I need
I don’t want any settled scores
I just want you to set me free
Giving you what you’re begging for
Giving you what you say I need, say I need

I’m not afraid anymore
What makes you sure you’re all I need?
Forget about it
When you walk out the door and leave me torn
You’re teaching me to live without it
Bored, I’m so bored, I’m so bored, so bored

I’m home alone, you’re God knows where
I hope you don’t think that shit’s fair

Giving you all you want and more
Giving you every piece of me
But I will never can afford
I just want you to love for free
Can’t you see that I’m getting bored?
Giving you every piece of me, piece of me

I’m not afraid anymore
What makes you sure you’re all I need?
Forget about it
When you walk out the door and leave me torn
You’re teaching me to live without it
I’m so bored, I’m so bored, so bored

Giving you what you’re begging for
Giving you what you say I need
I don’t want any settled scores
I just want you to set me free
Giving you what you’re begging for
Giving you what you say I need, say I need

I’m not afraid anymore
What makes you sure you’re all I need?
Forget about it
And when you walk out the door and leave me torn
You’re teaching me to live without it

November 9

November 9 by Colleen Hoover

This is my very first book review and my first Colleen Hoover’s book. I’ve seen people reading her books everywhere, but I don’t know somehow I hadn’t read one. When I bought this book, I read the little description behind it. It didn’t give me that curiosity I usually feel when I pick books. But I bought it because I hadn’t read the famous Colleen Hoover’s book.

Okay now onto the book.

What interests me from this book is that the two characters, Ben and Fallon. Why? Because Fallon is a lot like me; insecure about all things mostly about her physical looks, unconfident, always underestimate herself, and her head that is full of ‘what if’ questions. Maybe her character relates to so many girls in this world. And that is what makes her special, what makes this book is worth reading.

Ben. He is sweet, sometimes can be too cocky and blunt. But that is what I like about him. He reminds me of someone I know, I care about too. Okay, I’ll stop being personal here. Ben is so unexpected, or maybe he is too predictable. I don’t know. He can be both. He is smart. Fallon is smart too. They both are. But Ben always has his ways to outsmart Fallon, from the way he talks, the way he defends himself when Fallon starts to accuse him being all wrong.

The only part that I don’t fancy is the beginning of this book. I don’t want to give away the piece of the story because it will be a spoiler. But, really if there is someone who dares to do that unexpected thing like what Ben did in the beginning of the book, seems like impossible. I mean, it is not a smooth opening for a romance book. It is just too easy, too instant.

I could already predict the end of the story, like who actually Ben is in the beginning. But I had no idea that the story would have such a plot twist like that. I mean, IT WAS JUST AWSOME.

My MOST FAVORITE part in this book is, of course the romance itself! When Ben and Fallon are so in love they can’t be separated! I love how they’re connection is just so…..real. Like I could feel what Fallon feels when they fall in love with each other, when the uncertainty is always in the middle on their way, when they have fights and doubts, but when they’re sure about each other that what touches me the most!

I smiled the whole way through the very last page of this book. Ben and Fallon. They’re just like every other relationship in this world.

I even thought about doing the same thing, like Ben and Fallon do. One day, every year, for maybe a year because I’ll be 23 this year. So, yeah…….

I don’t know….. I can’t really express what I’m thinking about this book. Like no words can really describe anything about this book.

I love Colleen Hoover! I’m addicted to her books now….

7/14/2016

How funny it feels like when you are looking back to your past and see how much your life has changed over the years. I don’t see that girl anymore. The girl who used to haunt me. The girl with thick glasses and a tight Ballerina bun on top of her head. She’s never really gone from my life. She always there. Sometimes when I’m alone, or when the memories suddenly come back to me, I can feel her presence inside me. She is still there waiting to come out from her hiding.

I can’t barely even look at the old photos of the girl in my room. She doesn’t have much because she never appreciated what she had in her life worth captured. But it hurts me every time I realize that the girl was the same person as me. I still have her old belongings. Her over-sized sweaters and over dramatically thick jackets, her loose shirts which she bought from the boy’s section, leggings that have holes in them and Mom jeans. I still have her thick purple glasses which used to be her favorite. She wore them everyday to school but never on weekends. When I asked her, ‘Why are you wearing those glasses only at school?’ and she would reply, ‘Because I always look bad in the morning to go to school. My bed face will never fade at least until lunch. But if I take them off during lunch, my eyes will start to be blurry.’ Then she kept on wearing them for the past three years. She was proud on the thickness of her glasses. They were heavy and made her nose hurt at night. The thicker and bigger her glasses were, the better. When I asked why, she replied, ‘Because then the glasses will cover up half of my face. I feel invisible and it makes me feel comfortable.’

I was screaming for the past three years, ‘NO! NO! NO!’ I was in pain to hear that answer, ‘You can’t be comfortable when you draw back from the crowds! You have to be visible! Let everyone sees you, let them know you! You can’t live like this for the rest of your life!’

She didn’t. She disappeared. She’s been hiding in the place where people will no longer remember her. Everyone thinks she’s dead. Everyone assumes she never even existed in the first place. She is good at hiding or being invisible. She is now living in the moment called My Past. She is not dead, she did exist. She is still living inside me. Sometimes I can feel her taking control of my body, but it was just in a slight moment. I wanted her to get back out there again, let me take her hiding place, let’s switch again like before we went to high school. But she sometimes refuses, sometimes she just doesn’t want to hear me out.

That night, I was rummaging my old closet. Her clothes were all still there, taking most of my space. She had few, but it was the size that took up the space. I remembered that shopping for clothes was always her least favorite thing to do in the world. She would prefer to stay home and read fictions, or watch adventure movies while snacking her favorite chips. I asked her again, ‘Why do you hate shopping that much? Other girls love it, normal girls do it so often.’ She would answer in her raspy and weary voice, ‘Because girls buy things that fit them. Even they don’t need clothes that much, but they always look good wearing tight clothes. That is why normal girls shop. I’m not even normal. I don’t shop. Nothing fits in me.’

She was embarrassed to shop for clothes in boy’s section or pregnancy section without her mom. So, she usually let her mom do the shopping for her. But far too many times and for most of her girly clothes were a hand-down from her mom. She has this long flowery black dress that she loved so much. It was her mom’s. Her mom used to wear it in the early 1990’s during her three pregnancies. I was crying that night when I found the dress in my closet. This dress always looked ridiculous on her, it made her look old and……pregnant. But did she care? No. She felt beautiful in that dress. I tried it on for the first time ever after the girl was gone missing. The sleeveless dress kept sliding off of my shoulders. My lace bra popped out from the low V neck, showing me how she used to have enough breasts to be proud of. The dress covered up every less of my invisible curves. She could pull out the dress in her curves. She never agreed. She always called herself ‘fat’ ‘over-weight’ ‘plus plus size’ or ‘an obesity non-pregnant girl’.

She never loved herself. She always wanted to be beautiful like every other girl at school. But she didn’t even know what ‘beautiful’ means. She thought she did, beautiful means skinny. The more cheekbones and jaws appear around your face, the better. If your collar bones and ribs showed up in a tight dress, you are the most beautiful. The longer and thicker your hair is, you can conquer the world. More skin you show, more guys will ever fall into your beauty. More make up you put on, the sky will shine even brighter. The brand of your clothes take a huge part too. The more expensive, more popular you will be.

One night she cried in our room and talked to me.

“Why do guys have to be so mean to a girl like me? I know, I can’t fit in their girlfriend’s size. I know when I put on eye shadow and lipstick they will be calling me a clown. I know I can never wear mini skirts because they will be disgusted. I know it! I know what they think of me. I know that I am ugly, but do they have to be that mean?”

She sobbed. She meant it for a guy that she had a huge crush on. He was her classmate. He was not the most popular guy in school. He was the popular guy’s sidekick, never the hero. That what she likes about him. He stood out to be the helper, to be the number two (more to be the infinite number because he has tons of popular friends). He was the quite one in class, the geeky one, he was smart too. He was full of mystery. But he was also funny, because he tends to make silly expressions when he was lost in his own fantasy. He used to stare at the wall, blank-faced, and lips parted apart making a huge gap. He could stay like that for two hours. She always giggled finding him out in his trance.

He ignored her. He never talked to her, not even a single word. She never had the courage to talk to him first. But that day, she was assigned in a group of two with him and they had to share a book. He even barely wanted to come to the table next to her. When he did, he shoved away the chair and sit as far away as he could. She was hurt but didn’t show it. She nudged the edge of the book closer to him but away from her. He sat too far.

“Here, you can read it first.”

He stared at her for so long, but not in a sweet kind of way, but in a disbelief kind of way. When his friends started to tease him, he pushed the book back to her and never looked back at her. He stared at the blackboard in the front class the entire period and rushed out the door when he heard the bell started to ring.

The next day, she heard rumors that her crush was hitting on a freshman (they were seniors). Yes, she found out herself. He was staring at this tiny, cute, and princesslike girl in the far corner of the cafeteria. She was laughing with her group of friends, consisted of the most popular freshmen (of course). She wore a mini skirt and a mini t-shirt, were those her baby sister’s clothes? 

Well, this world is never fair. She went home crushed that day and swore to anyone she would never fall in love ever again. ‘Why does it hurt to fall in love? I thought falling in love is everyone’s favorite time period in life,’ and apparently not everyone’s.

‘I promise, I will never be that kind of girl. I will never fall in love with anyone. I will never try to be beautiful and to be skinny. I don’t want to change who I am. I am never going to fancy make up, expensive and mini clothing, or act dumb to get myself a guy.’ I smiled though I didn’t know why to hear her eagerly and so determined to accept who she was.

I kept rummaging her old clothes that night until I forgot everything about her.

But now, something hit me, so hard like a car crash. She is not hiding all this time. I made her to. I locked her up. It was me this whole time. I pushed her away. Or it can be worse, I might have even killed her. I am running to the nearest mirror in the house and I am going to study myself there for hours.

am her worst nightmare. I broke her promise. I have become the girl she never wanted.

am trying to be the girl that she always hated. I made her disappear. Now, she’s actually gone! I can’t find her inside me! I’ve killed her! I’ve killed myself!

am my own enemy…

 

Do What You Love. Love What You Do

Intelligence cannot be measured by numbers or how many experience you have. But it can be measured by what you can do and the willingness to try something new. Albert Einstein once said, “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” 

Can we relate Einstein’s statement to the system of nowadays job recruitment ? Yes.

How? Let us see that most of companies these days are MNCs or multinational corporations. The kind of company that set the most highest standards in hiring employees. Do you know what are the standards? You probably do, but let us remind you what they are.

  1. Foreign language proficiency
  2. GPA >3.50
  3. TOEFL scores >600 or IELTS >6.5
  4. 2 years minimum experience

In most of unemployment cases, people cannot meet the high standards (especially fresh graduates) because from one or two eligibility is hard to be fulfilled. Believe it or not, fresh graduates are human too. Fresh graduates have their own stories behind the lack of their numbers to meet the high standards. Yes, foreign language proficiency might be suitable. The problem that comes with it is how to find out the TOEFL or IELTS scores? “Take the test!” Would you pay the expense? “Ah, it only costs you several hundreds rupiah!” What if this person is one of the students in need? Several hundreds rupiah will probably matter most for their empty, rumbling maw. No, they do not complain or this is certainly not a protest.

GPA or Grade-point Average is crucial, everyone knows. Certainly, GPA will be the first thing to judge or to be assessed. Will you hire someone with <3.00 GPA? Do you know how this someone got a very low and shameful GPA? No. In another way to say it, fresh graduates also experience hard times during their studies. Most probably, they were enrolled in the study filled that their parents chose for them. The parents demand for a Bachelor of Arts in International Relations, but the children have always been dreaming to get a Bachelor degree in creative writing. Psychologists will figure out that the children will probably just graduate with a potluck grade-point, or maybe there is another way. But of course it depends on the children themselves. At least they graduated, right?

The experience they require seems arduously impossible to deny. No, fresh graduates do not have such a long-term experience of work because they just graduated. How are they supposed to get any experience if all the companies require the same? Will the experience of 2 years internship enough to cover the standards? No, because they want more and better.

The point of it all is that everyone is willing to learn, and that everyone should work the job they love. It is better to hire someone that has the passion rather than hire someone with experience or high GPA but no enthusiasm. My dream job is to be a writer, writing as an obligation of work suits me. Well, that is what companies should consider to hire someone. See the passion and the eagerness for the work, not the numbers they have in a piece of paper.

Henry David Thoreau once stated in his book book of Life Without Principle, “Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for the love of it.” 

Most of employees these days working their jobs with the reason, “I have to earn money, if I want to survive.” Ask them how hard it is to get up every morning, to dress nicely, to impress someone they do not even like just because they want to get a raise, to sit in front of the computer screen for over eight hours working on the same thing everyday while they are busy daydreaming about doing other things they love even more than what they are doing right now. According to Forbes, two million Americans are quitting their jobs every month. Rather than taking chances to have someone quitting the job, hire an ardent person who will be fully determined to work their socks off everyday because they love what they do.

This is the famous quote that everyone probably ever heard, “Do what you love. Love what you do.”

Hiring someone with the passion, the ability, the willingness, the eagerness will make this quote make sense and even better. Here is an idea;

Do what you love – Passionate. A pleasurable pastime activity.

Love what you do – By forced. Bridled.

Do what you love, love what you do – Dream job. Hobby as a job. Future carrier. Positive minds.

Simple as that.

“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.” – Maya Angelou.