Nowhere Boy

He looks a little ignorant. I did not mean to stare at him the whole way, but there is just something about him that intrigues me to just…stare. 

I, we, have been stuck in the subway for as long as I can remember. He got in first because when the train stopped at my station, he was already there. After three stations have passed, he is still in the same position when I got in. He is so fixated on what’s in the book which does not bother to be lifted up to his face, instead, he bows slightly to read it. The book is placed in between his legs.

I am so interested to know what he is listening to because if you look at his frown, maybe it is something like a complicated music or maybe it is because of the book. I don’t know. He never looks up to catch my gaze, or anything around him really. He is kind of cute in this sad dim light under the tunnel. I am guessing, he is an artist or writer. I think I am guessing too much. I can just walk up to him and ask. The seat beside him is roomy enough for me to cramp in.

My eyes are heavy now. I think all of today’s caffeine intake has long flushed away from peeing every 30 minutes. I stayed too long in the office and it is already 9 pm. I should have been asleep by now. Maybe I can close my eyes for 15 minutes. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

***

I feel movements from beside me. I open my eyes in a panic thinking I might have missed my stop. But I apparently, woke up just in time. So I gather all my things and run out of the train right before the door closes. Oh, is this his stop too? I turn myself around and look back through the window and see nobody there. Probably he got off long before me.

There is a little bit of sadness not knowing where he lives. Not specifically where just knowing what station he gets off is probably enough information for me.

So I walk down the same street I have always been passing every day for the last two years since I moved to New York from Vermont. My apartment is not a fancy one, but it is comfortable enough. I have a roommate and luckily she is my college best friend. She is taking her master degree in business at NYU. She convinced me to pursue my music career since I live in the Big Apple now or at least continue my master degree in Performing Arts. I have thought of that several times, but my parents have enough things on their plate already. I have two brothers who are currently still at school and an older sister that is selfish enough to walk away from the family to marry his drug addict jackass and move to India to sell joints.

So, my 4.0 GPA in Business is working pretty well. I work in a big IT company, it is quite famous worldwide, as a Business Analyst. I was scared at first, what if I am not actually qualified for this kind of job? But, my boss seems very pleased with my work.

“I’m home,” I say when I open the front door.

Katie’s half body shows up from the bedroom door, “hey, you hungry?’ she asks.

“Very,” I put my purse on the kitchen table. The apartment does not have that many doors if you walk straight right in from the door it will lead you directly to the kitchen, dining room,  and living room in one open big space. If you walk 20 steps forward, you’ll find a glass door facing the balcony and it has two chairs and round coffee table, spacy enough for me and Katie to enjoy tea time while looking down from the level 15th.

“I ordered us pizza, but because you forgot to call me you’d be late again,” Katie walked out of the bedroom still in her workout clothes that wrinkles here an there from doing Yoga too hard. “I ate up leaving you two slices in the microwave.” she opens up the microwave and pushes a cardboard plate with two huge slices of pizza.

I take one and the pizza is still warm. Katie pours me a glass of milk and serves herself one too. “You have been working so hard these days,” Katie says sitting beside me. “It is still not too late to sign up for the NYU’s summer admission.”

I sigh. “Katie, please…” I say in between chewing my pizza. “You can stop talking me into it every now and then. Don’t you think I am too old for that stuff?” I finish my first slice and onto the last. I am already full, but wishing Katie would leave me three slices instead of two.

“You’re only 23, Rose. Nothing is too old for you yet.”

I glare sharply at her calling me that name. My name is Rosalie, but I hate it when people call me Rose because people assume that I love flowers which I don’t. Anyway, it sounds so classic and too girly. So I always introduce myself as Alie.

“I won’t be graduating until at least next year, I won’t leave you until yours comes.” she puts her empty glass to the sink and enters the bathroom.

It is like she can read my mind. I am too scared living in a big city by myself. Katie is always looking after me. She is like an older sister to me more than my own sister. I was an odd kid back when I was in college. Scared of making new friends, so I instantly tailing on Katie when she was the only person who invited me to her birthday lunch.

I don’t hate my job, it pays me good money. But I know that I am not happy with my life right now. Should I really consider signing up for school? Will my parents support me, both financially and mentally?

I just hate uncertainties and unpredictabilities.

I hate possibilities and opportunities.

Because they always haunt me with ‘what if’ questions.

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Sweetheart, What Have You Done to Us?

With your smile, my world is nothing but a constellation. It was dark, but then stars start twinkling. I thought I could never find my way home, but you showed me the way. I was lost, but you guided me. Telling that everything was going to be alright because you would keep me safe. No matter what happens, you will always stay.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

You make me worry about what might happen and overthink about what had happened. You were a strong rock, that even a tornado would never drop your guard. But now you are moving back and forth like you are waiting for the right wind to take you. You are not sure where to go, south or north? Wherever you choose to go, will you take me?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

I know you are scared to make the wrong decision. I am scared too. It seems like all the choices we have is going to lead us nowhere. The question is, are we ever going to be okay with it? All the possibilities we will face, don’t forget the downs we need to get through with or without each other. Will I be holding your hands when I am at my worst and vice versa?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

We used to be two peas in a pod. We completed each other and fill out the emptiness we had left behind for years. You used to look at me with those fire in your eyes. You used to make me feel wanted like I had never felt before in my life. You used to occupy all the visible space in my head. Tears and bruises used to be the forgotten friends of mine. No darkness will ever come near me, even when night comes I would feel like it was the brightest day I could ever see.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

The light is now dimmed. The butterflies had long died. The warmth of your fingertips feels colder than I thought. Your silence, it was never there before. The fights were merely a thing for us to acknowledge. We were calm, like a breezy wind at night. But now, every once in a while we were like a seething wave. I thought we were fine.

Sweetheart, what have we done to us?

The Best

This post is inspired by this amazing book called Uncaged Wallflower by Jennae Cecelia. This book contains poems for people who are afraid to show the world who they really are, scared to be rejected by the society, and have no courage to speak up because they are too afraid of being ignored. To sum up,  this book is written and published for people like me. First, I am going to quote one of my favorite poems with the same title ;

Life is not about

always being the best.

It is about facing fears

and growing from them.

You do not have to be number one.

Just do not live a life full of,

“what if’s.”


When you are too scared to be yourself just know that nobody is perfect. People who only want to be the best out of something they don’t know about the struggle some people face. I know it is scary to speak up in the room full of people, all eyes on you. I know you are thinking, ‘what if I’m only going to embarrass myself?’ ‘what if nobody listens?’ ‘what if someone asks a question and I can’t answer?’ ‘what if they think I’m a weirdo?’ I know because my thoughts are the same. Stop asking ‘what if’s‘ questions and instead say ‘F*ck this, I am going to do it’ it is better to regret rather than to wonder all your life. Don’t avoid mistakes, but make them and learn from them after that! (but it does not mean you can repeat the same mistake and never learn from it, that means you are a fool!)

My heart starts quivering when I have to be the center of attention even just for two seconds. I will be nervous, anxious, feeling nausea like I am going to throw up. I would rather run out of the room and stay in one of the bathroom isles until it is time to go home.

But you know what, those times are over!

This world needs more voice to be heard. If 10 people out of 20 choose to stay silent, nothing will ever change. I know it is hard and terrifying, but our voices matter too! Our opinions, our resolute minds, and ourselves are also noteworthy. You don’t want to be invisible all your life. Just because one callous comment does not mean you are a frivolous person who talks nonsense. Even one viewpoint from you can trigger other big ideas. You can become an introvert and extrovert at the same time, best of both worlds.

Here is the thing, I know closing your mouth shut is the only comfort zone you are going to live in. Just know that the real you who is screaming to get out is still trapped by your own ego and fear. You don’t have to be the best in anything, just be the best version of yourself and you will be more than fine. You will live your life to the fullest when there is nothing or nobody holding you back from expressing yourself.

Being the best does not always mean everything, it is only about the people who never feel of having enough in their life. I am not saying they are greedy, sure having a life goal to be the best mathematician or the best soccer player or the best attention seeker is not bad at all. But the more you seek, the more unhappy your life will be. So, again just becoming the best of who you can be is worthy of a lifetime reward. Stop covering yourself with uncertainties, stop hiding behind everyone’s back! Embrace who you are! Don’t forget that you are loved by the people who know you well.

You are the best and nobody can be a better you than yourself.

🙂

 

Introvert => Extrovert

When a group of people can turn an introvert into an extrovert… it is such an extraordinary thing.

I have been an introvert all my life and probably I always will. I am not really good at talking to other human beings, but I am good with cats (that is an extra credit for me). I don’t fit in anywhere, even when I am trying to. I don’t hate changes, I am scared. Afraid of being rejected by the new environment. I am that kid who doesn’t stand out, sitting as far away from the center, and as quiet as a statue. I show up and then gone. I am terrified when people notice me because then they will start to judge me.

When I am faced with a new scope of various types of people, I did what I do best, trying to be invisible. I thought I was still good at it, but these people I just met a week ago changed a whole new perspective in me.

A year ago, I only have a handful of friends that I can talk to, but not open up to. I don’t feel comfortable letting out the beast in me because I know some of them would not accept it when I steal the spotlight from them, so I listen and listen and in the end, I drew myself back from everyone slowly. In a new year, I have this huge opportunity to start everything fresh. Living back home with a new me, a totally different experience, and unexplored society.

I am not going to lie, the first thing that came up in my mind when I looked around the campus was that ‘I am not going to fit in with anybody here! Let’s just have 3-4 friends and then leave!’ I am a very judgemental person (though I hate to be judged as well). I met three people that surprisingly I am attached to easily. They are the sweetest and I am so grateful that I got to know them soon enough.

Then this outbound activity due on Tuesday and I was assigned to a group of 22 people that I had no idea who they were (but one of them is already a bestie to me so I am so so so ever thankful and relieved that I would not be as lost as I thought). Several days before the outbound, everyone had already gathered up with their own groups and mine was like, ‘Let’s meet up tomorrow’ until it was already two days before the departure.

So, we gathered up in a small square table outside the campus. Yeah, I was trying to tell myself, ‘shut up and listen’ and so I did. We introduced ourselves one by one, like names and what’s one thing that is unique about us. ‘Geez, these people have no idea how VERY ordinary my life is!’ so I only told them about this scorch in my left hand. One person said he looks like a Chinese but he does not have a Chinese heredity in his blood. One person is half Arabian, which is totally apparent. One person said about having chubby cheeks. One person said having dimples is unique, which I totally agree. Two are musicians and they are SOOO amazing. With other unique things like having beards and mustaches, scars, living in a forest, and other things that I probably don’t remember.

They were nice to me, thank God. Then the group chat started to be crowded, we followed each other on social media, and we talked or more like chatting. Some people have surprising mutual friends and alma maters. I still can’t explain it, but I started to be more comfortable around them and it was a very fast process. The hardest thing for me to do is feeling comfortable around new people. But, I somehow forgot about that weakness when I am with them.

On Tuesday, the day of the outbound, we agreed to wear black attire. We showed up looking all cool and macho…and very cohesive. I could not help myself not to smile and to feel proud. “Probably this group is not as bad as I thought”. We laughed and talked loudly while waiting for the bus to come. From day one, I already feel like I am a whole new person. I couldn’t control my brain, I kept blurting out all the absurd things I could think of. That was embarrassing! But in an utter shock to me, not a single person in my group think I was a weirdo. Maybe they think I am a weirdo and I just don’t know, but they let me become who I am. I have never really been this comfortable around new people so fast in my life. And I think I like it to be who I am now.

Day 1

We got off the bus and we went directly to form a line in the middle of an opened field. The instructor was from the military based and he was mean! He commanded us to lay down on the hard and pebbly asphalt out of the blue and started yelling. He took our phone and money away for 3 days, some of us had no chance to say goodbye to their relatives. Me? Nah, nobody would even bother wondering where I was. Because again, I am just too good to be invisible.

I don’t know how it all happened but my group, we already are best friends. I mean, we just met once before that day and I wasn’t even sure I remembered all of their names yet. But what I did all day was just acting like a crazy person, making senseless jokes, and saying unfiltered slangs. But they were still being nice and I don’t know, they accepted me to be who I am just like that! Day one, we were busy standing straight like we were in a military force and mostly just bonding. We became even closer once again, I became even wilder. We discussed the whole night about our group project that has been assigned to us. To be honest, I had no clue what to say because my brain was a total nitwit when the clock starts hitting 10 pm. So, while feeling so bad and ashamed I did not say a word to help out on the group project, all I did was trying to force my eyes open and to nod my head when someone purposed an idea. Later on, I took the first shift for a  night watch in the girl’s barrack until 1 AM with one of the members and my head was going to calcify like a time bomb, but I managed to stay conscious.

Day 2

We have already gathered in the main field at 5 am. Even the sun was still asleep! We all did a little jogging, a little push-up, and morning exercise. After breakfast, we walked several miles (not sure how far, but it was a long and exhausting walk. I stumbled for far too many times because I have two left feet and I hate it when my clumsiness kicked in, I needed to look tough in front my team!).

We did climbings, crossing from one cliff to another using only a single rope as the bridge, walking down a very muddy cliff and then climbing back up with only using a rope as safety. Too many hurdles and I almost gave up in the middle of the day, but I kept screaming to myself inside my head ‘Don’t you dare give up on yourself now! You’re not the same coward as you were a year ago!’  and I finished all the four challenging games (though there were some embarrassing moments of me and also fro other members LOL in one or two, at least we did not give up!).

The whole group did a very good job and I think my group has the strongest bond among other groups! I am super proud!

Day 3

We wrapped up the last day with boring group presentations that felt like an eternity. But we all survived those 3 rough days pretty fine!

So here is the thing, an introvert can also become an extrovert. Not necessarily for good, but sometimes a group of people can make the best out of an introvert. It all depends on who introverts spend the time with. I still can become the introvert of me when I am in class or anywhere I am really but when I am with this 21 people I newly met a week ago, I became my true self that I never realized was there in the first place. Like I was a whole new person! It is surprising, but I don’t know it also feels kind of relieving. It is like I have been holding my breath all these years and I can finally let it out. But outside this group, I will still be an introvert and will always be.

So, I want to do a shout out for these 21 people. Thank you so much to Tama, Adi, Derin, Ina, Devy, Feby, Fikia, Frank, Galang, Iqbal, Maya, Aji, Basra, Ira, Oldy, Restu, Sekar, Silvana, Taufiq, Zharfan (though you could not come during the outbound you contributed so much without you we would not be able to finish our group flag and chest numbers), and Zimam. You guys are amazing! Such gentlemen, because all the dudes in this group kept looking out after all the girl members and the girls are very caring to one another! Thank you so much group 1 (UNO!)  for making me feel like I am finally accepted after so long. I am so proud of us! I love my new family and I hope we can always stay close until we all graduate! See you guys on top!

A Constellation

“I have never seen a constellation this beautiful.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, in fact, I have never seen any constellation before in my life.”

I never leave my eyes from the full moon in the night sky, but I know that he is smiling beside me.

“Welcome to my world,” he says with his eyes never leave me.

“Your world is breathtaking!” I say with a smile. “I want to stay.”

“Stay as long as you like.”

My smile fades. “I grew up in big cities,” I say lowering my eyelids. “I could only dream this moment.”

“How many cities?”

“Four,” I say with a little regret in my heart for moving so much. “One of them is full of skyscrapers and the rest does not have much.”

“Hmm,” he responds in mumble.

“There was a day I wished the city would just turn off all the lights, shut down all the sounds, and stop every moving thing,” I say opening up my eyes even wider.

“Why?”

“So that everyone can enjoy a clear night sky, even though with only a slight moonlight appears from the back of black clouds.” I shift my body to the right and face him. “Do you want to know my world?”

He nods. “But only for a few second, perhaps.”

“Why?” I frown and hurt a little.

He moves his head a little to catch my eyes. “I only want to peek a little of where you come from. Like you said, it is not as pretty as my world.”

I lay back down. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“When we come back,” he moves closer to me. “Will you stay here with me forever?”

I blink several times. I am in shock but I don’t want to show it. I am happy when he says ‘forever’ but I also want to keep the happiness for myself. “With you and all of this?” as I say pointing to the sky that is full of white dots. “Yes, of course! But with one condition!”

“What is that?”

I smile. “Don’t let anybody else see our world.”

He smiles. “I promise,” he takes my hand. “It is just going to be you and me. Forever.”

He

He grips the steering wheel so hard until his palms are all white and pale. He is driving with a blind mind and no directions. The road is still wet and so does his car. Most people hate a rainy Saturday because it could ruin their weekend plans, not him. At least not today, not even a storm can stop him from seeing her.

She was so pretty today, as always. Her smile is so addictive. It was so hard to avoid her, to forget about her existence, and to pretend that she never existed. Dang, it was because of that day when he finally met her again on their friend’s graduation. It was then when it all started again, like something triggered inside his chest to remember the pain she used to create.
They have all the fun he had almost forgotten. Just the two of them walking around the mall, watching a movie while sharing popcorn, and a pretty nice lunch and top it with a semi-romantic dinner. It has been so long since they went on a date, it has been years since they had separate ways with other people. Once again, he felt that regret of giving up on her so fast. It was the hardest thing to do, letting go of the person that worth five years of waiting.
He is sitting quietly inside his car, still not letting go of the steering wheel. He sighs. Despite today’s date and the rain, he is not sure about his own feeling. The flash of images come right into his mind. Those two beautiful dark eyes staring into his, her small round nose that would widen whenever she moves her jaw, her soft voice that would melt any guy’s heart, and those fine thin lips that are so soft and tempting. He could not stop thinking about kissing those lips all day. With the post-raining kind of scene, with a slow song from the radio, and a deep conversation he could not resist breaking a promise and ruining someone else’s life that he had forgotten all day.

It is weird that he feels happy, angry, guilty, lost, and there is something else inside him that is screaming… another regret. Today was a mistake, he knew all along. It was something that he should have been avoided. But she made him ignore all the possibilities of losing someone precious. It was an inevitable sin that any human cannot deny, a mistake that everyone would make at least once in their life time. Because true love can be blinded by a single smile and a pretty face. Even when he knows that someone else’s life was at stake. A human being can be a deadly weapon to kill another human being. Love is nothing but a paradigm.

She

She comes home late tonight. Even though she has already asked her mom for permission, she feels bad for leaving her mother all alone at home. Her mom never comes home late. Whenever her mom needs to go out of town, she always comes along. They are their only best friends. She usually comes to her mother’s bedroom after a long day and she would describe everything that happened, but tonight she has to lie.

She comes barging into her bedroom right after she arrives home. She closes the door so very slowly so that she will not wake her mom. She hates to lie to her mother and the best way not to is by avoiding her for sometimes.
Her heart is still beating so fast, her cheeks are still red and hot, and the rain outside on a Saturday makes all the scenes feel so real. She drops her bag next to her nicely made up bed. Her sight is starting to be foggy. She needs to lean back to her white and purple wall before she crashes to the ground. What just happened 27 minutes ago? Did everything really occur in real life or just in her dream? Was the kiss just an illusion? Her feelings are all so mixed up right now. It is supposed to be wrong, but is she a bad person to admit that she enjoyed it?
No, it is not a sin to kiss someone that you are unsure of how you feel. But what is wrong is that he is someone else’s, and not hers in the first place. When his lips touched hers, the whole world was swirling around in the back of her head. It has been a long time since someone touched her lips. But the feel…it was different. It was something indescribable.
Him, the person that has been there when she went through a rough relationship and stayed until she decided to move on… sadly not to him but to another guy. He was still there, waiting for her to see his presence. For real. Two broken experiences of love and there he was, still expecting for her recognition. She thought he was gone to someone else’s hands but he kept coming right back at her. Whoever she ends up with and he ends up with, he will always find a way to see her. She never refuses and she kinds of like it and worse she becomes too dependent on him. Even her mother.
Is that wrong to be in the middle of two people’s relationship? Is that so wrong to ruin someone else’s life that she might not even know just for her own entertainment? Is that wrong wishing that he will not let go of her even though someone else’s life is on the verge of breaking? Is it too late to finally say that ‘I am waiting for you to come back to me and there shall I finally hold your hands in mine’? 
People will only regret things that had already happened and had already lost. People will only be grateful after they give up the things they used to chase. People will only realize how they are worth not until they got wasted by someone else. Because people will never feel enough with themselves and therefore they desire greater things and become even more greedy. In that moment, people do not realize that they are killing someone else and themselves.

I

I, a person who hates crowds but scared of being lonely. I, a female who does not believe in love but is always in need of a male’s affection. I, an independent woman but is clingy over a man’s excessive indulgence. I, the kind of partner who gives freedom but also scared of getting hurt and betrayal. I, such a complicated creature. It drives people crazy. It pushes them away.

The rain always makes everything worse especially when RY X songs are playing in the background. It is such a dark muse. I am staring into space, it makes my eyes hurt because of the cold wind that blows through my open window and stings them whenever I forget to blink. I have been sitting in my bed since this morning with my phone next to my feet. A rainy Saturday is so bad for my mood, especially when I have no plan to be out there playing under the water drops. I have tried to ask some people out, but they are not like me. I do not grow in a forest full of other trees. I am like the rare Encephalartos Woodii, it always needs a mate. But where is my mate right at this moment, when I really need him the most? I need him to pull me away before I fall deeper into this dark deep hole that I am already in. My phone screen is still a pitch black, cold concrete plastic, and as dead as the wish for a rescue. Dang, the rain is not only falling from the sky. Now the rain is inside my two red blotched eyes.
The sky turns dark far too quickly. I have not yet left my bed. Even when the land is already dry my eyes are still watering. The windows are still in the same spot. The storm could not even move them. The phone screen is never alive, and the hope of a dim light has faded away along the rain. Waiting for someone who will never come to rescue me is like a long highway without no turns and no stop. I keep driving until the car is dead on its own until it runs out of fuel. I have been repelling the urge to reach him first, but the rejection is what haunts me and it always has been on every Saturday with or without rain. I am only pleading. Wondering where he might be.

Two Dry Martinis & Empire State Building

I have a dry martini in my left hand, waiting for me to sip another from the glass. A cigarette in my right hand that I have left burning for a while. I have the best view of New York City on a Friday night after a long day of work. My make up is full on, I retouched it before leaving my office. I put on a smokey look with a deep red matte lip. I bought the sexiest black bodycon dress from Barneys last weekend, I even did a full diet plus extra workout sessions for a full month. Every men and woman in this bar are looking at me head to toe, some feeling jealous yet some full of lust. I ignore them all.

I have made a reservation long before this night was even planned out and asked for the best seat with the best view. Empire State Building rises right above my head. Jazz music is playing in the back.
It is 8.46 pm. I came here one hour earlier than the promised time. He is always on time, probably several minutes late because of the traffic. I check on my phone and he is already late for 13 minutes. I am starting to be agitated. I light up another cigarette and sip on my dry martini that is not strong enough for my anxious right now. I should have just ordered for Rum or Vodka.
“Sorry, I’m late.”
“You look good,” he says.
I ignore him and adjust my body to a straighter posture making it obvious that this is an important meeting. I let him order for a drink and ask him about his day. He would talk about it enthusiastically to let me know how proud he is about his job and I would be listening wholeheartedly. Yet it feels so different right now. He does not look me in the eyes the whole time until his own dry martini comes. I in the other hand don’t even listen half of his words. It trails off along the saxophone in the background.
This place is very special for us because everything started here. That is why I chose it to be the place for tonight.
“Where is this all going?”
He knows what I am referring to and he just sighs.
“How many times do I have to tell you that we will be there someday. Just wait.”
“How long do I have to be patient?”
“You know I want it too,” he has not sipped the drink but I can smell alcohol on his breath. “But you know it is not easy to plan out everything.”
“Do you want it or do you wish you want it too?”
“What are you talking about?”
I sip another. “Do you really want it to happen?”
He nods and he finally sips his drink.
“With me or with her?” I shove a brown envelope under his hand on the table. He opens it and looks through the pictures inside.
“How do you get these?” his gives me a reaction just like any other guys I used to date whenever this night happens.
“I am good at playing this game” I put on several bills on the table and weights them with my empty glass so the wind won’t take them away. “This is where we started and this is where we ended.”
I stand up and walk away with no tears. Suddenly the music has stopped, the Empire State is gone dark, and the whole city falls asleep at last.

Someone Better or Nothing at All

Have you ever experienced losing your loved ones? I have. I lost one of my older sisters to an accident and I was old enough to suffer from a great condolence. Some people lost their families when they were still an infant. Does the feeling still consider the same? But they won’t suffer as much because they barely knew the people who leave them behind. There were five, now it becomes just the four of us. We lost the middle child, the barrier between the rulers and the followers, and she was always the wisest among all of us. I was supposed to be the rebel in the house, but she always reminded me that I have to be a good example for the youngest brother. If I kept acting reckless, who would watch him when I was the only person left in the house.

Two of our oldest siblings had already been married and she was one step closer to graduation and leaving me in charge of becoming the oldest child. Yes, she did leave me in charge but why did she have to leave me so far away and a little bit too soon? She did not say she would leave for good! It’s no fair that nobody knew.
But with her leaving all of us, it taught the four of us to be more grateful for each other’s company. She brought us closer and she made us understand truely about the love of a family. We become more giving to one another and I can feel the presence of God among us whenever we are together during Christmas. God brings her along on this special day and we become whole again every once in a year.
I become more responsible with my actions. When I was still naive, I used to be so mad to everyone all the time. But she taught me how to forgive and to accept fate. People are still hurting me from every corner of my life, but then I will always remember the smile on her face. I thought I would cope in sadness for too long and that my life would be ruined. But look at me now…by accepting fate and forgiving all the guilts in this world I am standing still and tall in places I thought I would never be, receiving achievements that I thought was just for people who have not through enough pains to get there, and my life goals are crossed out one by one.
The lost of someone you love can be two things, I know it is an ugly experience and a deathly pain, but you can be either someone better or nothing at all. When you lost someone important in your life, God is teaching you to be ready for anything at all whether you like it or not.