For You

Dear You,

I have noticed that since I took down the link to my blog from all my social media platforms, apparently somebody who lives in my country has been looking up for the link using the search engines. I don’t usually get readers using ‘search engines’ I mean you know what it means? Someone really typed down the link to my blog using google! And only several people know it…even my best friends sometimes still need me to send them the link or still go through my Instagram’s bio. It’s not like it would appear when you type down my full name on Google.

No, it’s okay… I am actually flattered you would go through Google just to find my blog and read it. I mean, that’s what my blog is for. To be read by other people.

I am an opened person, a Liberalist, and I don’t know either I’m a realist or Idealist because I apparently can be both. Anyway…

Some people closest to me will know that I usually write everything I feel at that moment on my blog. It can be in the form of poems, short story through a third person, or motivational writing. But wait, I don’t always write about my own feeling or experience, I also write about someone else’s. So, my readers would sometimes misinterpret them as ‘what the writer has gone through’. No, for the record you actually will have no idea whose story I am writing about.

Hey, you guys…

I don’t know what you guys are looking for in my blog, but you have been checking it several times these past few weeks. I am so fascinated by the work of WordPress because I can track my readers! God… can this digital era be anymore greater (or probably scarier) than it is today?!

Whoever you are, my best friend, or somebody who used to be someone special in my past, or someone that has a crush on me, or the guy that I have a crush on (hey, there… you, yeah you…give me a smile already!), or probably my crush that feels the same way about me (who knows that this feeling is mutual after all), or the person that hates me, or the person who feels threatened by my existence, or probably someone who just loves my writting (THANK YOU FOR READING… I appreciate it so much! I mean it…). I hope all my writings can inspire you, can help you and guide you through something, or I hope you can find a bit of information about my life that you keep missing out (because I have a reason why I don’t want you to keep up with it). At least, I know someone is reading my blog, am I right? Just so you know, I usually post on Thursday at random times, 4 Thursdays a month, so if you find the fifth Thursday in a month, please know I will probably not post anything. Or at least, I am trying to!

Hey, you…

Found what you have been looking for?

 

 

 

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How to handle your anxiety?

Anxiety.

It is a feeling of fear, worry, anger, sadness, disappointment on oneself and people in life. This all-in-one feeling will come attacking you during unexpected hours and in unexpected places. With a little bit of cold sweat and heartbeat racing inside your chest, making your lungs suffocate and impossible to grasp for air. Your pupils will expand and sometimes you will also experience nausea.

When the anxiety comes, you’re never alone. Even though you are hiding under the blanket in the dark or while driving back home from work, there will always be ‘the other’ you. You will be haunted by thoughts that have been haunting you for so long or sometimes your head is clear but you will hear voices of yourself saying all the negative things you didn’t do in the past. Blaming you, consuming yourself into another demon. Panic attack.

You will start to be frantic all of a sudden. You can cry. You can shout. You can shield both your ears with anything, but those thoughts and voices will still be there with you. You keep denying. You push them away as hard as you can. You put a huge barrier around. Until there is nothing you can do, but let them come and kill you off. Again. Once they are gone, you will be exhausted like you were running a marathon but really all you did was nothing but hoping they might stop. But wait, they will return and you will always try to fight them.

How did you know?

Anxiety has always been my enemy since two years ago.

What causes anxiety?

Anything, really. Situations. Environment. Society. Politics. Religion (that sometimes is related to politics). Economy. Human beings.

Sometimes another human being can be the most dangerous predator than animals.

This will be my first time opening up about my anxiety or GAD.

I am not exactly sure yet about having a GAD, but I have the qualified symptoms. I have been contemplating about going to psychiatrist or anyone for help really. But here is the thing, I have never gone. Why? Because I am scared of the truth and to be honest I am a little embarrassed. My biggest mistake. I needed help. I have only been talking to my closest friends that I trust the most, that I think my ‘secret’ will be safe with them. But they can’t always help me through all these panic attacks because they have no experience in handling people like me. They only can help me by providing great pieces of advice that sometimes I rebuff even though I know they are right because anxiety will never let you be normal.

Here is a little of the story of my anxiety.

I never really realized I had it until one night this huge and unbearable panic attack came. I have experienced a nervous breakdown before, like when I was about to talk in front of a bunch of people, but it was never really this severe. It was late at night, I was having insomnia as usual whenever I thought I was fine but actually, I was having anxiety inside my head but always denied it, I was listening to some music while playing Buzzfeed quiz (by the way, this is fun you know). There was nothing wrong, yeah I had some bad thoughts inside my head but I didn’t let them get into me by using my headphones and setting the volume quite high (kids, this is dangerous if you do this very often). My heart started to beat faster and cold sweats started falling down my neck. I was suffocating and my heart jolted several times making my chest hurt.

I was lying on my bed inside my room alone, in the dark, but everything became the opposite. Like I was in the middle of crowds, in a blaring light.

I started to panic. These demons, these thoughts started to get into my head because my power had been weakened and the music faded even when the headphones were still in their place.

“It was your fault he cheated on you!”

“You were never good enough for him, that’s why he left!”

“You are nothing compared to other girls! You’re not thin enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re weak, you’re just a piece of trash!”

“He never loved you! He even confessed he regretted dating you in the first place…you know what is worse? when he said it to the girl that you will never be able to compete! You should be ashamed!”

“You let all those bad things ruined your life in the first place and you never did anything about it, it’s your fault that your life is worthless!”

“You will never fit in anywhere!”

“You’re a fool! That is why they know you’re an easy prey to kill!” 

“People hate you. Nobody likes you because you’re too much to handle.”

“Stop making dramas out of nothing!”

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DID EVERYTHING I DID! as I screamed to my own self.

I cried and cried, I kept blaming myself. Until I no longer had the power to, I finally collapsed into lucid dreams that brought me into a deep sleep with pounding chest trying to rush in the oxygen that was being captivated in my throat.

What caused my anxiety?

Some people in my past that I no longer keep. A job that I no longer work at.

There are guys I fell in and out of love before in my life. But there is this one guy that turned me into someone I was never before. That triggered my biggest anxiety. I was always this careless girl. I was always an ignorant person. But this guy turned me into a whole new person. The opposite of my old self. Why did I change? Because I wanted to be good for him. Even though I had given all of me, EVERYTHING would never be enough. If I could give him my soul, I would. That was how much I used to love him. I thought I was happy, but it turned out to be otherwise. But you know what, I kept denying and denying. Deceiving myself, telling myself I was happy. But since the day I fell in love with him, I started to keep questioning myself “am I good enough for him?”. Then I found out about him cheating on me for enough time (say it started in the first month of our relationship. Hey, I have my sources so I know). Then, every night I always cried and cried asking harder “am I really good enough for him?” and I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I would wake up in the middle of the night just to cry myself to sleep, started losing weight, and my chest hurt from the oxygen I didn’t receive. Those demons were finally born inside my head at that time and stay there until now.

Such tragedy of love. That I thought fairytale love was real.

I knew deep down, deep inside my heart that I was never happy with him. I was never myself with him. I kept holding back. But even after I knew he was cheating on me, I still denied myself and telling me I was happy. Why would I do that? because if I gave in, that means the demons won. So, I always put on that fake smile every day.

On the other side of my life, my job was also such a pressure to me. I didn’t fit in there, the boss was an ass ( I am sorry for my bluntness). That job also made me the unhappiest I had ever been. But again, because I needed to be grateful for the job I had so I pushed myself to fit in. But the more I pushed, the more severe this anxiety became. As always, I denied myself telling me I was fine. It was not GAD, I didn’t have a mental sickness, I was happy and living my life to the fullest. I had a boyfriend that loved me (or so I thought) and a job that kept me alive. But everything was a lie, though as much as I knew it was true…I buried the truth deep in my head. The panic attack came more often. Coffee helps, it sets down my anxiety, so I drink more coffee every day. I know coffee probably is the worst medicine when having a panic attack, it increases the heart palpitations. But it eases the demons in my head and helps me focus on other things.

I used to have no friends to talk to because everyone seems busy with their own life. I couldn’t talk to my family because I didn’t want to make them worry and make them ask me to move back home. So I pushed myself, alone, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to quit my job and finally spoke to my parents (they really asked me to move back home because they are worried). The relationship ended (it was him who ended it blaming me for being myself and him cheating with another girl for the thousandth of times). Then here I am, taking my Master degree and went back to living with my parents care. But still is being haunted by these demons, but now it becomes less and less.

The past is still haunting me. The terror stays with me. It has already affected me in so many things (and not in a good way). I suddenly have a trust-issue, where I never really had before. It actually ruined everything. I have so many new friends but it is just hard to know which one that I can really trust the most. I met a new guy there that I never thought I could fall in love with. But I did. But because I keep seeing the past, that terror, I am too afraid to move forward. Whenever I tried to convince myself that it is okay, the anxiety gets to me more often. I get so panic easily. My chest hurts almost every day from the rising heartbeat whenever those demons start to show up inside my head telling me all the negative things. I didn’t let the demons win, so I walked out of the love I thought would help to heal my past. This time, it was not him who ended it… it was me. As much as I wanted to be with him, as much as I loved him, I don’t want this anxiety to win me over again. The demons keep telling me, that he is just like the other guy who hurt you, he will leave you, he will do the same things and much worse. It still hurts to see him everywhere I go. I do love him and I am hurting. But walking away from him helps to slow down these demons. So, I decided to be better off alone for sometimes.

So, how actually to handle anxiety?

First, you have to know what really makes you happy. If you don’t like math, don’t push yourself too hard on that. Just because your anxiety tells you that you’re weak because you can’t finish some stupid equations that can’t solve itself, it does not mean you are weak and worthless. It means that math is not your field, is not your thing. Don’t push yourself to be the best at it. As long as you can pass your grade in math, you’re safe! But instead of coping yourself with negativity, you can always try to be the best in doing things that you love to do. If you hate math and suck at it, but you like biology and good at it, then you should be more focus on biology and expand your love in there. Be the best in your field, your anxiety will never tell you that you’re not good enough.

Second, surround yourself with only some people that bring you happiness and joy. You don’t have to be with a huge group of friends that only creates dramas. Just be with a handful of people that can make you at ease, that can help you in handling your fears, that you trust the most, that brings out the best in you. Walk away from toxic people! Because toxic people are the ones that will only worsen your anxiety.

Third, help other people. Sometimes helping other people who experience the same kind of experience as you will help. The advice you offer to someone, sometimes would come from deep inside you and it was all you need for yourself but you never find it until you give it to someone else.

Fourth, embrace your anxiety. Don’t deny yourself anymore. If you’re unhappy then believe it. Once you believe it, then you can help yourself. If you know you’re unhappy, you’ll find the core to what makes you feel that way. So you can ‘fix’ it. Be happy, find a cure by doing something fun.

Fifth, if you can’t handle it yourself or probably it is too hard to bear, then find a professional. Find a psychiatrist! Before everything becomes too late.

That is all for today. I am so sorry for the long post, I hope this post will help.

 

Lungs

I am back into this delusional state that I call desolation. I am standing in an opened meadow under this constellation.

I see you, a black concrete figure, draw oneself up, with hands withered on both sides of your body.

Breathing a word from afar, mouthing phrases that I cannot catch, you walk falteringly like a wolf with blind staggers on a hot wild summer day. As you get closer to me, the earth beneath my feet trembles like there is an earthquake.

You are the past that I continually disavow, even when you know I am in denial of defeat.

“Submit now!” you are the trigger to my six-feet-under deathbed. You want me to revoke the closure I am using as the barrier between our past and future. Such an abnegation of reality, you say.

“No,” I say in admonishment. “Why would I?”

“Because you know that I have successfully conquered your present time.” every tone, every resonant, was adumbrated by a series of flashing images of our recent rendezvous.

I accede in agony, but still, I don’t capitulate to what is in fact true.

“I will give you one last chance,” you take a step back. Now we are two steps apart. I want to reach out to you and hold you in your previous place. Your eyes can manipulate so many things, so many feelings. They shoot me a deep and serious stare, such a dangerous weapon to kill. They are sharper than any blades that were once creating the wounds in my lungs. You offer me your hand. “Take it or walk away.”

I am in a quandary about taking a step forward or a step backward.

“You’re such a quaint!” I am trying to give us sometimes before I fall in anguish. “You’re using this old game where you can beguile me into thinking that you are the one. You keep pushing and pulling. Put aside the fake charm of yours…” my eyes have already been flooded with tears. “…and stare deep into my eyes that are filled with such indignation, then tell me how to make believe all these spurious inferences into plausible facts that you call reality!

“YOU’RE SCARED!” you are enraged and that shout nudges every heartbeat and break all bloodstreams in my veins. “How long are you going to live in the past?”

“As long as I can find someone…”

“Open your eyes!” You are half screaming in a nonchalant tone. “He is right in front of you. How will you ever see if you don’t open the door for possibilities?” You clamor for justice.

“You can stop making me the object of a surfeit of affection satisfying to you or anybody else!” I obviate the fear in me and take two steps forward until we are only an inch apart. Making a room for the tense vibrations in us to collide into an explosion. “You’re the sympathetic pariah that everyone wants me to avoid.”

“Oh, so you are just going to let strangers control your life? Like this ‘relationship’ is going to be theirs also?” You take umbrage that some point to a lack of support, you are being appointed as the truculent schemer. “You are not a people-pleaser and I do not ever make you one for myself! I am never playing this game if you never agreed at the beginning.”

“THIS IS NOT A GAME!” I start to tremble. The smoke of cold air breaks the space between us. I lower my head, making it touches your chest. I can hear a clamorous sound from inside it. Right then, I know what you feel. How you are actually handling my morose temper, or is it yours? You are holding on to something that is real.

“You made this all a game for both of us,” I hear you saying. Your voice is trailing off.

I snap my head up as soon as I realize, but you are already fading away.

“Wait!” I shout a whimpering sound, the weakest cry I ever heard of. Even in trite motions, you become more amorphous. Like smoke that is being blown by an invisible wind of desperation.

You abscond with my lungs being kept tight inside your own. I can’t breathe.

“I am taking a part of you so that you will know this last chance you keep denying was supposed to complete you.” As the sun starts to show up and the dark sky starts to evade, you smile at me. “Until then, I hope you find someone else to restore them back.”

I was once empty for a while when someone stole my lungs. Until I was sent here under the constellation being asked for the chance to have them back. You showed up. Now, you are gone and I am back to being empty, trying to grasp for oxygen. How long will I survive without my lungs? How long will it take until someone restores them back? How long…

 

 

Lover, Please Stay

I plead.

But you don’t even know it.

I beg.

But you think I am free.

I love.

But you think you are just another pit stop.

As much as I hurt myself,

I am saving it from you.

As much as you’re hurting,

I am saving yourself from me.

“I have to let you go,” I say, pleading with agony.

“Am I hurting you?” you ask with the same pain I am feeling reflecting in your eyes.

“No,” I take my hand away from your grasp.

“Then, why are you doing this?” you look at me, wanting to beg but all you can show is the sadness in your face.

I desperately want to cup your face in my both hands, brush your cheeks with my thumbs, to stare deeply into your eyes for as long as I can live,  and tell you how I actually feel. That I am happy, that I love you, that I want to be with you, but too cowardly afraid to admit that you might hurt me because I am the kind of person who looks back to the past. It is not about mine, it is about your past. The past has always been the weapon to kill. I was once killed by the past, I have not been alive enough to be killed again by it.

Why don’t you just tell him the reason? He will deceive me easily.

Maybe he’s changed! People do change, but only if they really want to. 

But you don’t even know if it’s true or not! Better prevent it happening than finding out when it becomes too late to turn away. 

“We are not meant for each other,” my heart aches. It squeezes so tight inside my chest. Oucham I dying? “We have the same personalities. None of us wants to concede.” Here I go again with the lie that I am not good at doing.

You fall silent for a moment, maybe agreeing with what I just said. If you can see it, my body shivers like there is a war inside. I pin down myself in my seat as hard as I can. If I can’t control myself, I would push myself and put my arms around you so tight and would probably never let go. If that happens, there is nothing in this world that can make me let go. That is why I need to walk away before I trip over and fall into the unending loop. I have to stop myself from getting hurt. I am broken enough. I am ruined enough.

I stood up abruptly.

You take my hand before I can start walking. “Please, stay!”

I clench my other hand. Don’t turn back! Don’t look back! Just go, run!

“Please, stay…” you say once again, sound more vulnerable.

Lover, please stay. I can hear you whisper as you’re loosening up your grip. You’re letting me go.

I don’t want to play your game or any game. Not anymore.

As I walk away,

the trail behind me follows.

We never stop for a rest,

never will.

Until we reach that stop,

that some people told it exists.

That some people called,

a happy ending.

 

 

The Night We Met

This world is round. You will eventually go back to your starting point if you just keep moving in the same direction.

I don’t know what makes me walk in a loop. Probably it’s just me, being so heartless yet considerate at the same time. I am deceiving myself right now, making me think that it is okay to be the one who breaks this one-way relationship. But at the same time, I can’t.

This relationship has been going on for as long as I can remember. But I can’t recall the last time I could feel those butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her. But there was a moment when I could a whole zoo inside me. Where do all the animals go now?

“We can’t always do this!” I say when she curls her lips after an argument. “I said I am sorry,” I say again for thousands of times.

“But you should not have been late,” she whimpers from the passenger seat next to me. “You know today is important for me.”

Today is one of her best friend’s wedding and she wants us to come early before anybody so that she can take a picture with her group of friends. But hey I am a dude, I only slept for a good five hours after watching a football match last night. But I don’t tell her that because she would only go even nuttier. I woke up to her 35 missed calls and 15 unread messages full of anger and disappointment.

“Baby, please…” how painful it is to call her that but deep inside I feel nothing. I feel sorry for her and myself. “We are only late like…10 minutes! Do we really have to argue like this is a big thing?”

“Yes,” she says still pouting.

I can only sigh. Somehow this has been going on for quite sometimes, but maybe this is what is called relationship. You can’t always go sweet and smooth for so long without a single argument in between.

This stupid argument goes on until night and when I can’t take it anymore I finally go home and let her deal with all of her own drama. Tonight, I am contemplating again to break up with her. This is the moment! Just tell her you don’t want to deal with her childish attitude. I throw myself on my bed and it makes a squeaking sound.

I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath. All of these thoughts start coming to my head. The questions I have always been asking to myself since the night we met.

I met her in class, we were classmates in college, but never been friends. I don’t remember having a crush on her, but I am not sure how we somehow got closer. I was a flirt back then. People told me, “Dude, it is not fair! You can flirt with girls and they will always fall for you easily.” they were all just spitballing, I thought. So when she came around, I tried to prove that it is not true what they said. I know I was a flirt, but I only do it with girls I wanted to date not just to random ones. But this time, it was my mistake to try and prove nothing to nobody and now I am trapped in this dead end.

I remembered it was fun, that is all. I don’t remember falling in love with her, until one day I asked myself “Why do I keep hitting on her though I am not in love?” but I was so angry to myself that I kept on going. I could see she was already falling for me and I know I could not just cut everything off for the reason that I was just playing with her because it was fun to do. I was a total jerk but never wanted to admit. So instead of hurting her, we finally dated.

No, I will not deny it. The first months of our relationship went smooth and just like any other newly dated couple. It was fresh and full of love. I started thinking, maybe I actually love her but just never wanted to admit it. We were once in a honeymoon phase, yes just like any other typical relationship.

As times went by, this doubt started to come and grew even stronger. Arguments started to be a part of our daily routine. Every little thing I do seems to be annoying for her. The longer this relationship goes, the more I become so vulnerable. All it needs to take is to say goodbye and that everything will be over. But I can’t! I have been waiting for her to be the one who ends it. But she never did! I have tried so many ways to make her feel like it is enough, but whenever it happens she has always been the one who fights for this relationship, for us to work out. What is it that she does not want me to go?! What is so special in me that she keeps fighting for this hopeless romance?! Why would she keep fighting for something I can’t give her?! Why did I even do this in the first place if I know I would only hurt her now?! 

I squeeze my eyes tight. I can no longer do this! If I keep this relationship going, I will only hurt us more. I plead a little inside. All I can picture in my head is her face crying, full of anger, sadness, and disappointment. What should I say if she asks the reason why I am giving up this easy? She never cheated on me, I have never cheated on her. We are fine, at least until this point. But I can’t keep lying to myself, deceiving myself to force to love her even if I am not. Goddamn it! What should I do?!

The buzz from my phone snaps me out of the parallel world. I take it out from my pocket and I see her name on my phone screen. “Hey, I am sorry for acting so childish and annoying today. Have a good rest, I love you.” I contemplate to bring this up and make another argument. But those three last words…I can’t do this! I don’t want to hurt her, but I am hurting her at the same time. She thinks I am still in love with her, damn! 

I need to go back to the night we met. I need to rummage some of the old memories to find my answer. To find the reason for letting go. To look for a single captured moment where it was love, not just a game. I need to go back to that night, the one we first met. Maybe I can find something, maybe it will be my answer.

00.01

He takes my hand as we walk up the stairs.

It’s dark. Yeah, it’s the middle of the night what do I expect? The sun?

He walks to the edge of the rooftop and sits with his feet dangling in the air. I follow him. I have never been afraid of height or darkness, I am more scared of him right now. Probably I am most scared of my own feeling.

He does not say anything, so I look around and the view is so breathtaking. The sky is so full of stars and I have never seen it this clear before. I am taken aback by the constellation until he finally calls my name.

“Don’t you wish you could fly?” he says without glancing at me. “I wish I could. It would be fun! And I want to fly right there as fast as I can.” he points to the farthest West of our side.

I smile, “Yeah, flying would be fun.”

“Look,” he touches my hand. “Can you see that orange light over there? That’s my house.”

I don’t know if he’s joking or just guessing. How can he be pretty sure? We’re like…too far away from the city. I can hear the chatter from everyone under our dangling feet. Can they see us?

I turn my head to take a little glance of his face. His eyes are staring into the horizon of flickering lights and dark mountains. His face is so serious. I can still see his perfect jawlines under the moonlight. Is he even a real human being? He feels my gaze and now his eyes are focused on mine. I want to stop the time and just stare into those eyes for the rest of my life. I feel an earthquake in my chest. I quickly look back up to the sky before he can see the flares in my cheeks.

“Look,” I say still amazed by the beauty of tonight’s sky, and his, but I am more interested in the sky right now. “The sky is so beautiful. The stars are starting to gleam! Wow, there are so many of them!” I say full of excitement.

“Oh yeah,” he says following my eyes. “What are the stars made of? Asteroids? I don’t know.”

I think he asks that more to himself than to me. He is hypnotized by the sky too.

I exhale the unexpected oxygen that I have been holding since we got here. The night air stabs my whole body and I shiver a little.

“I had done everything for her,” he says out of the blue. “I had changed myself the way she wanted me to. I mean, I was a better person when I was with her.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“No,” he denies. “Because she left me! She betrayed me! It was not easy to accept when someone I had sacrificed everything for dumped me and ended up choosing to be with someone else.”

I become so tense in my place. I know exactly how he feels. I want to scream so loud, “You’re not alone!” but I can’t because I am fighting to keep my tears from falling.

“But she always refused all the helps I could offer. I pushed her into who she is now. I was the biggest support she had. I can’t believe I ever thought of marrying someone like her.” he shakes his head with a little sarcastic laugh. He looks down to his hands. I can see that he has not yet over the pain, maybe over her but not the pain. That mark she has caused will be hard to heal.

“But I am passed over that crap,” he says looking back up. I don’t know if he is only saying that to make me believe him or to believe it himself.

“Healing takes time,” I say from my place when he finally falls silent for a minute. He looks at me. But I don’t take away my gaze from the world. “Trust-issue will not last forever. Once you have found someone you love who will never let you go for anything, except death, then you know that you have won from your own fear.”

He is still looking at me and I don’t think he will say anything. So I continue, now staring deep into his eyes. Locking him inside my head and there is no way he can escape. “I am scared.” my voice sounds fragile and weak. I am surprised that it was all I could say. My body shivers and he takes my hand then kisses it gently.

“Don’t be,” he says.

His voice melts me.

“But I am,” I say still locking eyes with him. “I know I shouldn’t be scared, but I can’t help myself. I know that people change. I know that you two are different human beings. But I am just scared of getting hurt again. I don’t have anything left in me to break anymore.”

“I won’t hurt you,” it’s all he can say over and over, since the first time we ever talked to each other.

I can’t say anything. My lips are sealed. I want to believe him. But that wall of trust inside me has not yet constructed fully. It is not strong enough yet.

I hate myself for this, blaming him for something he didn’t do, blaming him for all the bruises someone had left in me. I keep telling myself, “He is not him!” but there is no use!

“I know you are trying to heal,” he says sitting closer to me. “I am too.”

I nod slightly, feeling the warmth of his body. I am the one who wears a hoodie, he is bare with only a t-shirt. But somehow he is still the source of all the heat in my body, not the hoodie.

“The problem is that I enter your life at the right time,” he says like it is a mistake. Like he is probably regretting it already. “When you need someone else to heal your wound and…”

“No,” I cut him off. I know he hates it when I do that. But I don’t care. “You come to my life at the wrong time.”

“Why so?”

“Because after everything, I decided to never fall in love again. To never let myself get hurt because of love anymore. And now, you ruin it! You have ruined the plan I made for my life because you came so unexpectedly.” I am furious but still scared and somehow hurt but I don’t know which one that takes control of my emotion right now. It is too overwhelming.

“Why am I ruining it?”

“Because I am already in love with you,” I say looking back at him. Once again, forcing myself to lock his eyes on mine. Heat burns my chest and my cheeks. Something stings my eyes because I can feel that they are wet. Maybe it’s the cold wind. “That is why I am terrified even more.”

He does not say anything but still locked by my gaze.

“I am scared,” that is all I can seem to say for now. I am surprised that my voice is so shaky and weak. “I can’t fall in love with you,” I squeeze his hand. He kisses my cheek gently, telling me that it is okay to be scared and somehow I know he will never leave my side. “But I think I have already fallen too deeply, I can’t…”

He cuts me off with his warm lips pressed against mine. Slowly I am drawn into his magic trick that keeps pulling me into him. It is like, his body is the strongest point of magnetic field. That gravitational pull is too strong, I can’t let go.

I can finally pull myself away from him, an inch away. I still close my eyes and I know he does too. My forehead is still on his and I inhale the carbon dioxide he exhales and vice versa. “Don’t,” I touch his lips with my fidgeting finger, brushing them softly. My heartbeat is racing like there is a marathon inside me. But it is hard to really keep myself apart from him when he is the center of all my universe right now. That magnet pull keeps dragging me back in. We collide into each other once more and my body is now shaking uncontrollably.

He can sense the outcry that I am about to let out. He pulls me into his embrace so tight like he is scared I might calcify into particles of dust.

“What have you done?” I wrap my arms tightly around his neck, scared that he is going to be the one who disappears.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers in my ears. His voice sounds so vulnerable.

“Don’t go,” I say, burying my face in his neck and inhale the scent of his body that surprisingly calms every nerve in my skin that are about to explode. “Don’t leave me!”

“I won’t,” his voice is firm and somehow I trust him this time.

I feel something that is certain now. That I will never let him go. That I will win myself over this fear. That I will fight harder to change myself into a better person, but this time with him by my side. Not alone.

People change.

Wounds heal.

If it is not time, it is love that will be your new turning page.

 

Sweetheart, What Have You Done to Us?

With your smile, my world is nothing but a constellation. It was dark, but then stars start twinkling. I thought I could never find my way home, but you showed me the way. I was lost, but you guided me. Telling that everything was going to be alright because you would keep me safe. No matter what happens, you will always stay.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

You make me worry about what might happen and overthink about what had happened. You were a strong rock, that even a tornado would never drop your guard. But now you are moving back and forth like you are waiting for the right wind to take you. You are not sure where to go, south or north? Wherever you choose to go, will you take me?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

I know you are scared to make the wrong decision. I am scared too. It seems like all the choices we have is going to lead us nowhere. The question is, are we ever going to be okay with it? All the possibilities we will face, don’t forget the downs we need to get through with or without each other. Will I be holding your hands when I am at my worst and vice versa?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

We used to be two peas in a pod. We completed each other and fill out the emptiness we had left behind for years. You used to look at me with those fire in your eyes. You used to make me feel wanted like I had never felt before in my life. You used to occupy all the visible space in my head. Tears and bruises used to be the forgotten friends of mine. No darkness will ever come near me, even when night comes I would feel like it was the brightest day I could ever see.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

The light is now dimmed. The butterflies had long died. The warmth of your fingertips feels colder than I thought. Your silence, it was never there before. The fights were merely a thing for us to acknowledge. We were calm, like a breezy wind at night. But now, every once in a while we were like a seething wave. I thought we were fine.

Sweetheart, what have we done to us?

The Best

This post is inspired by this amazing book called Uncaged Wallflower by Jennae Cecelia. This book contains poems for people who are afraid to show the world who they really are, scared to be rejected by the society, and have no courage to speak up because they are too afraid of being ignored. To sum up,  this book is written and published for people like me. First, I am going to quote one of my favorite poems with the same title ;

Life is not about

always being the best.

It is about facing fears

and growing from them.

You do not have to be number one.

Just do not live a life full of,

“what if’s.”


When you are too scared to be yourself just know that nobody is perfect. People who only want to be the best out of something they don’t know about the struggle some people face. I know it is scary to speak up in the room full of people, all eyes on you. I know you are thinking, ‘what if I’m only going to embarrass myself?’ ‘what if nobody listens?’ ‘what if someone asks a question and I can’t answer?’ ‘what if they think I’m a weirdo?’ I know because my thoughts are the same. Stop asking ‘what if’s‘ questions and instead say ‘F*ck this, I am going to do it’ it is better to regret rather than to wonder all your life. Don’t avoid mistakes, but make them and learn from them after that! (but it does not mean you can repeat the same mistake and never learn from it, that means you are a fool!)

My heart starts quivering when I have to be the center of attention even just for two seconds. I will be nervous, anxious, feeling nausea like I am going to throw up. I would rather run out of the room and stay in one of the bathroom isles until it is time to go home.

But you know what, those times are over!

This world needs more voice to be heard. If 10 people out of 20 choose to stay silent, nothing will ever change. I know it is hard and terrifying, but our voices matter too! Our opinions, our resolute minds, and ourselves are also noteworthy. You don’t want to be invisible all your life. Just because one callous comment does not mean you are a frivolous person who talks nonsense. Even one viewpoint from you can trigger other big ideas. You can become an introvert and extrovert at the same time, best of both worlds.

Here is the thing, I know closing your mouth shut is the only comfort zone you are going to live in. Just know that the real you who is screaming to get out is still trapped by your own ego and fear. You don’t have to be the best in anything, just be the best version of yourself and you will be more than fine. You will live your life to the fullest when there is nothing or nobody holding you back from expressing yourself.

Being the best does not always mean everything, it is only about the people who never feel of having enough in their life. I am not saying they are greedy, sure having a life goal to be the best mathematician or the best soccer player or the best attention seeker is not bad at all. But the more you seek, the more unhappy your life will be. So, again just becoming the best of who you can be is worthy of a lifetime reward. Stop covering yourself with uncertainties, stop hiding behind everyone’s back! Embrace who you are! Don’t forget that you are loved by the people who know you well.

You are the best and nobody can be a better you than yourself.

🙂

 

Introvert => Extrovert

When a group of people can turn an introvert into an extrovert… it is such an extraordinary thing.

I have been an introvert all my life and probably I always will. I am not really good at talking to other human beings, but I am good with cats (that is an extra credit for me). I don’t fit in anywhere, even when I am trying to. I don’t hate changes, I am scared. Afraid of being rejected by the new environment. I am that kid who doesn’t stand out, sitting as far away from the center, and as quiet as a statue. I show up and then gone. I am terrified when people notice me because then they will start to judge me.

When I am faced with a new scope of various types of people, I did what I do best, trying to be invisible. I thought I was still good at it, but these people I just met a week ago changed a whole new perspective in me.

A year ago, I only have a handful of friends that I can talk to, but not open up to. I don’t feel comfortable letting out the beast in me because I know some of them would not accept it when I steal the spotlight from them, so I listen and listen and in the end, I drew myself back from everyone slowly. In a new year, I have this huge opportunity to start everything fresh. Living back home with a new me, a totally different experience, and unexplored society.

I am not going to lie, the first thing that came up in my mind when I looked around the campus was that ‘I am not going to fit in with anybody here! Let’s just have 3-4 friends and then leave!’ I am a very judgemental person (though I hate to be judged as well). I met three people that surprisingly I am attached to easily. They are the sweetest and I am so grateful that I got to know them soon enough.

Then this outbound activity due on Tuesday and I was assigned to a group of 22 people that I had no idea who they were (but one of them is already a bestie to me so I am so so so ever thankful and relieved that I would not be as lost as I thought). Several days before the outbound, everyone had already gathered up with their own groups and mine was like, ‘Let’s meet up tomorrow’ until it was already two days before the departure.

So, we gathered up in a small square table outside the campus. Yeah, I was trying to tell myself, ‘shut up and listen’ and so I did. We introduced ourselves one by one, like names and what’s one thing that is unique about us. ‘Geez, these people have no idea how VERY ordinary my life is!’ so I only told them about this scorch in my left hand. One person said he looks like a Chinese but he does not have a Chinese heredity in his blood. One person is half Arabian, which is totally apparent. One person said about having chubby cheeks. One person said having dimples is unique, which I totally agree. Two are musicians and they are SOOO amazing. With other unique things like having beards and mustaches, scars, living in a forest, and other things that I probably don’t remember.

They were nice to me, thank God. Then the group chat started to be crowded, we followed each other on social media, and we talked or more like chatting. Some people have surprising mutual friends and alma maters. I still can’t explain it, but I started to be more comfortable around them and it was a very fast process. The hardest thing for me to do is feeling comfortable around new people. But, I somehow forgot about that weakness when I am with them.

On Tuesday, the day of the outbound, we agreed to wear black attire. We showed up looking all cool and macho…and very cohesive. I could not help myself not to smile and to feel proud. “Probably this group is not as bad as I thought”. We laughed and talked loudly while waiting for the bus to come. From day one, I already feel like I am a whole new person. I couldn’t control my brain, I kept blurting out all the absurd things I could think of. That was embarrassing! But in an utter shock to me, not a single person in my group think I was a weirdo. Maybe they think I am a weirdo and I just don’t know, but they let me become who I am. I have never really been this comfortable around new people so fast in my life. And I think I like it to be who I am now.

Day 1

We got off the bus and we went directly to form a line in the middle of an opened field. The instructor was from the military based and he was mean! He commanded us to lay down on the hard and pebbly asphalt out of the blue and started yelling. He took our phone and money away for 3 days, some of us had no chance to say goodbye to their relatives. Me? Nah, nobody would even bother wondering where I was. Because again, I am just too good to be invisible.

I don’t know how it all happened but my group, we already are best friends. I mean, we just met once before that day and I wasn’t even sure I remembered all of their names yet. But what I did all day was just acting like a crazy person, making senseless jokes, and saying unfiltered slangs. But they were still being nice and I don’t know, they accepted me to be who I am just like that! Day one, we were busy standing straight like we were in a military force and mostly just bonding. We became even closer once again, I became even wilder. We discussed the whole night about our group project that has been assigned to us. To be honest, I had no clue what to say because my brain was a total nitwit when the clock starts hitting 10 pm. So, while feeling so bad and ashamed I did not say a word to help out on the group project, all I did was trying to force my eyes open and to nod my head when someone purposed an idea. Later on, I took the first shift for a  night watch in the girl’s barrack until 1 AM with one of the members and my head was going to calcify like a time bomb, but I managed to stay conscious.

Day 2

We have already gathered in the main field at 5 am. Even the sun was still asleep! We all did a little jogging, a little push-up, and morning exercise. After breakfast, we walked several miles (not sure how far, but it was a long and exhausting walk. I stumbled for far too many times because I have two left feet and I hate it when my clumsiness kicked in, I needed to look tough in front my team!).

We did climbings, crossing from one cliff to another using only a single rope as the bridge, walking down a very muddy cliff and then climbing back up with only using a rope as safety. Too many hurdles and I almost gave up in the middle of the day, but I kept screaming to myself inside my head ‘Don’t you dare give up on yourself now! You’re not the same coward as you were a year ago!’  and I finished all the four challenging games (though there were some embarrassing moments of me and also fro other members LOL in one or two, at least we did not give up!).

The whole group did a very good job and I think my group has the strongest bond among other groups! I am super proud!

Day 3

We wrapped up the last day with boring group presentations that felt like an eternity. But we all survived those 3 rough days pretty fine!

So here is the thing, an introvert can also become an extrovert. Not necessarily for good, but sometimes a group of people can make the best out of an introvert. It all depends on who introverts spend the time with. I still can become the introvert of me when I am in class or anywhere I am really but when I am with this 21 people I newly met a week ago, I became my true self that I never realized was there in the first place. Like I was a whole new person! It is surprising, but I don’t know it also feels kind of relieving. It is like I have been holding my breath all these years and I can finally let it out. But outside this group, I will still be an introvert and will always be.

So, I want to do a shout out for these 21 people. Thank you so much to Tama, Adi, Derin, Ina, Devy, Feby, Fikia, Frank, Galang, Iqbal, Maya, Aji, Basra, Ira, Oldy, Restu, Sekar, Silvana, Taufiq, Zharfan (though you could not come during the outbound you contributed so much without you we would not be able to finish our group flag and chest numbers), and Zimam. You guys are amazing! Such gentlemen, because all the dudes in this group kept looking out after all the girl members and the girls are very caring to one another! Thank you so much group 1 (UNO!)  for making me feel like I am finally accepted after so long. I am so proud of us! I love my new family and I hope we can always stay close until we all graduate! See you guys on top!

A Constellation

“I have never seen a constellation this beautiful.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, in fact, I have never seen any constellation before in my life.”

I never leave my eyes from the full moon in the night sky, but I know that he is smiling beside me.

“Welcome to my world,” he says with his eyes never leave me.

“Your world is breathtaking!” I say with a smile. “I want to stay.”

“Stay as long as you like.”

My smile fades. “I grew up in big cities,” I say lowering my eyelids. “I could only dream this moment.”

“How many cities?”

“Four,” I say with a little regret in my heart for moving so much. “One of them is full of skyscrapers and the rest does not have much.”

“Hmm,” he responds in mumble.

“There was a day I wished the city would just turn off all the lights, shut down all the sounds, and stop every moving thing,” I say opening up my eyes even wider.

“Why?”

“So that everyone can enjoy a clear night sky, even though with only a slight moonlight appears from the back of black clouds.” I shift my body to the right and face him. “Do you want to know my world?”

He nods. “But only for a few second, perhaps.”

“Why?” I frown and hurt a little.

He moves his head a little to catch my eyes. “I only want to peek a little of where you come from. Like you said, it is not as pretty as my world.”

I lay back down. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“When we come back,” he moves closer to me. “Will you stay here with me forever?”

I blink several times. I am in shock but I don’t want to show it. I am happy when he says ‘forever’ but I also want to keep the happiness for myself. “With you and all of this?” as I say pointing to the sky that is full of white dots. “Yes, of course! But with one condition!”

“What is that?”

I smile. “Don’t let anybody else see our world.”

He smiles. “I promise,” he takes my hand. “It is just going to be you and me. Forever.”