The Night We Met

This world is round. You will eventually go back to your starting point if you just keep moving in the same direction.

I don’t know what makes me walk in a loop. Probably it’s just me, being so heartless yet considerate at the same time. I am deceiving myself right now, making me think that it is okay to be the one who breaks this one-way relationship. But at the same time, I can’t.

This relationship has been going on for as long as I can remember. But I can’t recall the last time I could feel those butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her. But there was a moment when I could a whole zoo inside me. Where do all the animals go now?

“We can’t always do this!” I say when she curls her lips after an argument. “I said I am sorry,” I say again for thousands of times.

“But you should not have been late,” she whimpers from the passenger seat next to me. “You know today is important for me.”

Today is one of her best friend’s wedding and she wants us to come early before anybody so that she can take a picture with her group of friends. But hey I am a dude, I only slept for a good five hours after watching a football match last night. But I don’t tell her that because she would only go even nuttier. I woke up to her 35 missed calls and 15 unread messages full of anger and disappointment.

“Baby, please…” how painful it is to call her that but deep inside I feel nothing. I feel sorry for her and myself. “We are only late like…10 minutes! Do we really have to argue like this is a big thing?”

“Yes,” she says still pouting.

I can only sigh. Somehow this has been going on for quite sometimes, but maybe this is what is called relationship. You can’t always go sweet and smooth for so long without a single argument in between.

This stupid argument goes on until night and when I can’t take it anymore I finally go home and let her deal with all of her own drama. Tonight, I am contemplating again to break up with her. This is the moment! Just tell her you don’t want to deal with her childish attitude. I throw myself on my bed and it makes a squeaking sound.

I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath. All of these thoughts start coming to my head. The questions I have always been asking to myself since the night we met.

I met her in class, we were classmates in college, but never been friends. I don’t remember having a crush on her, but I am not sure how we somehow got closer. I was a flirt back then. People told me, “Dude, it is not fair! You can flirt with girls and they will always fall for you easily.” they were all just spitballing, I thought. So when she came around, I tried to prove that it is not true what they said. I know I was a flirt, but I only do it with girls I wanted to date not just to random ones. But this time, it was my mistake to try and prove nothing to nobody and now I am trapped in this dead end.

I remembered it was fun, that is all. I don’t remember falling in love with her, until one day I asked myself “Why do I keep hitting on her though I am not in love?” but I was so angry to myself that I kept on going. I could see she was already falling for me and I know I could not just cut everything off for the reason that I was just playing with her because it was fun to do. I was a total jerk but never wanted to admit. So instead of hurting her, we finally dated.

No, I will not deny it. The first months of our relationship went smooth and just like any other newly dated couple. It was fresh and full of love. I started thinking, maybe I actually love her but just never wanted to admit it. We were once in a honeymoon phase, yes just like any other typical relationship.

As times went by, this doubt started to come and grew even stronger. Arguments started to be a part of our daily routine. Every little thing I do seems to be annoying for her. The longer this relationship goes, the more I become so vulnerable. All it needs to take is to say goodbye and that everything will be over. But I can’t! I have been waiting for her to be the one who ends it. But she never did! I have tried so many ways to make her feel like it is enough, but whenever it happens she has always been the one who fights for this relationship, for us to work out. What is it that she does not want me to go?! What is so special in me that she keeps fighting for this hopeless romance?! Why would she keep fighting for something I can’t give her?! Why did I even do this in the first place if I know I would only hurt her now?! 

I squeeze my eyes tight. I can no longer do this! If I keep this relationship going, I will only hurt us more. I plead a little inside. All I can picture in my head is her face crying, full of anger, sadness, and disappointment. What should I say if she asks the reason why I am giving up this easy? She never cheated on me, I have never cheated on her. We are fine, at least until this point. But I can’t keep lying to myself, deceiving myself to force to love her even if I am not. Goddamn it! What should I do?!

The buzz from my phone snaps me out of the parallel world. I take it out from my pocket and I see her name on my phone screen. “Hey, I am sorry for acting so childish and annoying today. Have a good rest, I love you.” I contemplate to bring this up and make another argument. But those three last words…I can’t do this! I don’t want to hurt her, but I am hurting her at the same time. She thinks I am still in love with her, damn! 

I need to go back to the night we met. I need to rummage some of the old memories to find my answer. To find the reason for letting go. To look for a single captured moment where it was love, not just a game. I need to go back to that night, the one we first met. Maybe I can find something, maybe it will be my answer.

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He takes my hand as we walk up the stairs.

It’s dark. Yeah, it’s the middle of the night what do I expect? The sun?

He walks to the edge of the rooftop and sits with his feet dangling in the air. I follow him. I have never been afraid of height or darkness, I am more scared of him right now. Probably I am most scared of my own feeling.

He does not say anything, so I look around and the view is so breathtaking. The sky is so full of stars and I have never seen it this clear before. I am taken aback by the constellation until he finally calls my name.

“Don’t you wish you could fly?” he says without glancing at me. “I wish I could. It would be fun! And I want to fly right there as fast as I can.” he points to the farthest West of our side.

I smile, “Yeah, flying would be fun.”

“Look,” he touches my hand. “Can you see that orange light over there? That’s my house.”

I don’t know if he’s joking or just guessing. How can he be pretty sure? We’re like…too far away from the city. I can hear the chatter from everyone under our dangling feet. Can they see us?

I turn my head to take a little glance of his face. His eyes are staring into the horizon of flickering lights and dark mountains. His face is so serious. I can still see his perfect jawlines under the moonlight. Is he even a real human being? He feels my gaze and now his eyes are focused on mine. I want to stop the time and just stare into those eyes for the rest of my life. I feel an earthquake in my chest. I quickly look back up to the sky before he can see the flares in my cheeks.

“Look,” I say still amazed by the beauty of tonight’s sky, and his, but I am more interested in the sky right now. “The sky is so beautiful. The stars are starting to gleam! Wow, there are so many of them!” I say full of excitement.

“Oh yeah,” he says following my eyes. “What are the stars made of? Asteroids? I don’t know.”

I think he asks that more to himself than to me. He is hypnotized by the sky too.

I exhale the unexpected oxygen that I have been holding since we got here. The night air stabs my whole body and I shiver a little.

“I had done everything for her,” he says out of the blue. “I had changed myself the way she wanted me to. I mean, I was a better person when I was with her.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“No,” he denies. “Because she left me! She betrayed me! It was not easy to accept when someone I had sacrificed everything for dumped me and ended up choosing to be with someone else.”

I become so tense in my place. I know exactly how he feels. I want to scream so loud, “You’re not alone!” but I can’t because I am fighting to keep my tears from falling.

“But she always refused all the helps I could offer. I pushed her into who she is now. I was the biggest support she had. I can’t believe I ever thought of marrying someone like her.” he shakes his head with a little sarcastic laugh. He looks down to his hands. I can see that he has not yet over the pain, maybe over her but not the pain. That mark she has caused will be hard to heal.

“But I am passed over that crap,” he says looking back up. I don’t know if he is only saying that to make me believe him or to believe it himself.

“Healing takes time,” I say from my place when he finally falls silent for a minute. He looks at me. But I don’t take away my gaze from the world. “Trust-issue will not last forever. Once you have found someone you love who will never let you go for anything, except death, then you know that you have won from your own fear.”

He is still looking at me and I don’t think he will say anything. So I continue, now staring deep into his eyes. Locking him inside my head and there is no way he can escape. “I am scared.” my voice sounds fragile and weak. I am surprised that it was all I could say. My body shivers and he takes my hand then kisses it gently.

“Don’t be,” he says.

His voice melts me.

“But I am,” I say still locking eyes with him. “I know I shouldn’t be scared, but I can’t help myself. I know that people change. I know that you two are different human beings. But I am just scared of getting hurt again. I don’t have anything left in me to break anymore.”

“I won’t hurt you,” it’s all he can say over and over, since the first time we ever talked to each other.

I can’t say anything. My lips are sealed. I want to believe him. But that wall of trust inside me has not yet constructed fully. It is not strong enough yet.

I hate myself for this, blaming him for something he didn’t do, blaming him for all the bruises someone had left in me. I keep telling myself, “He is not him!” but there is no use!

“I know you are trying to heal,” he says sitting closer to me. “I am too.”

I nod slightly, feeling the warmth of his body. I am the one who wears a hoodie, he is bare with only a t-shirt. But somehow he is still the source of all the heat in my body, not the hoodie.

“The problem is that I enter your life at the right time,” he says like it is a mistake. Like he is probably regretting it already. “When you need someone else to heal your wound and…”

“No,” I cut him off. I know he hates it when I do that. But I don’t care. “You come to my life at the wrong time.”

“Why so?”

“Because after everything, I decided to never fall in love again. To never let myself get hurt because of love anymore. And now, you ruin it! You have ruined the plan I made for my life because you came so unexpectedly.” I am furious but still scared and somehow hurt but I don’t know which one that takes control of my emotion right now. It is too overwhelming.

“Why am I ruining it?”

“Because I am already in love with you,” I say looking back at him. Once again, forcing myself to lock his eyes on mine. Heat burns my chest and my cheeks. Something stings my eyes because I can feel that they are wet. Maybe it’s the cold wind. “That is why I am terrified even more.”

He does not say anything but still locked by my gaze.

“I am scared,” that is all I can seem to say for now. I am surprised that my voice is so shaky and weak. “I can’t fall in love with you,” I squeeze his hand. He kisses my cheek gently, telling me that it is okay to be scared and somehow I know he will never leave my side. “But I think I have already fallen too deeply, I can’t…”

He cuts me off with his warm lips pressed against mine. Slowly I am drawn into his magic trick that keeps pulling me into him. It is like, his body is the strongest point of magnetic field. That gravitational pull is too strong, I can’t let go.

I can finally pull myself away from him, an inch away. I still close my eyes and I know he does too. My forehead is still on his and I inhale the carbon dioxide he exhales and vice versa. “Don’t,” I touch his lips with my fidgeting finger, brushing them softly. My heartbeat is racing like there is a marathon inside me. But it is hard to really keep myself apart from him when he is the center of all my universe right now. That magnet pull keeps dragging me back in. We collide into each other once more and my body is now shaking uncontrollably.

He can sense the outcry that I am about to let out. He pulls me into his embrace so tight like he is scared I might calcify into particles of dust.

“What have you done?” I wrap my arms tightly around his neck, scared that he is going to be the one who disappears.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers in my ears. His voice sounds so vulnerable.

“Don’t go,” I say, burying my face in his neck and inhale the scent of his body that surprisingly calms every nerve in my skin that are about to explode. “Don’t leave me!”

“I won’t,” his voice is firm and somehow I trust him this time.

I feel something that is certain now. That I will never let him go. That I will win myself over this fear. That I will fight harder to change myself into a better person, but this time with him by my side. Not alone.

People change.

Wounds heal.

If it is not time, it is love that will be your new turning page.

 

Forgiveness

There was once a quote stated by Thomas Szasz;

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; The naive forgive and forget; The wise forgive but do not forget.”

Which kind of person are you? The stupid, the naive, or the wise?

Everyone knows that forgiving someone is not easy looking at how big the mistakes a person did. It is you to decide which kind of person you need to be in that situation. You can either forgive and forget or simply forgive but would never forget. Forgiving itself is already hard, let alone you need to forget.

I don’t have the best tips how to do both or be naive. It is your decision to make. You can forgive, but for the sake of your own self, you don’t forget. Why don’t people who have been hurt forget someone’s mistakes?

Depends on that person and the mistakes. You don’t always remember the person who broke your favorite pencil in 5th grade, right? Or a person who ever said mean things to you two years ago. Why? Because they don’t change you, at least they don’t change a part of you. It’s different from the person who hurt you so much that it changed you into a whole new person. You will never forget. Because that person is the reason for who you are now.

You were a dancer, but a car driver hit you hard one night you could never dance anymore. Will you ever forget that moment? or can you? You may forgive him/her, but it does not mean you can forget. Because that mistake is already a part of you. You can’t take away some parts of your life. The past. You can never erase, take away, bury the past. Here is one thing, you eventually will forget who did what but for sure I know the only thing that will always haunt you is the thing that someone did.

One day, I came home to find one of my window car broken and someone stole all of my mom’s documents. I could never forget what happened that day, but I don’t even remember who did it. You remember event, not person.

Why? Is that okay?

Totally okay!

Why?

To give you some lesson in the future that you need to prevent the same bad thing happening. To teach you how to change yourself into a better person. In my case, to teach you how to be more cautious where to park your car (or never leave any bags inside it if the windows are see-through).

You will never learn if you don’t experience anything. It kills you when someone hurts you so bad it turns your life upside down. But you have to know, that everything happens for a reason.

Forgiving someone gives so many positive vibes in your life. Here is the thing, “you still haven’t forgiven me if you can’t forget what I had done in the past.” forgiving does not mean forgetting. By forgiving someone means that you are mature, wise, and rational. It gives you the strength to be happy and start something new with a clear head and heart. But forgetting things that had changed you mean that you are ignorant, never learn, and headstrong. That means, you can always go back to doing things that might let someone does the same bad things happen in the future if you never learn from someone’s mistake.

Learn how to forgive someone else starts with forgiving yourself. Learn from someone else’s mistakes start with learning your own mistakes. Someone will not hurt you if you don’t let them. That is your biggest mistake! Letting someone else hurt you in the first place. I parked my car outside, leaving all the bags in the back seat, and so I gave a chance for the stealer to do their mistakes. I was so care-free that so many people betrayed me and crushed all the faith in me, leaving me with all these bruises and a severe trust-issue. My biggest mistake was that I let them did it in the first place. But I have learned so many lessons, that you can never get what you want, that you can’t devote yourself 100% to anything or anyone but God, that I am not alone and that I have to be a better person to never let this thing happen in the future. I know why it happened so I would start to change everything starting with myself. I don’t remember who but I still can’t forget what had changed me. People remember events, not people.

Forgiveness, one cruel word but the impact is everything.

Forgiving someone prevents you from a miserable life. You know you are not happy because you still hold on to your pain and grudges. You need to forgive yourself in order to forgive someone else. Don’t ever blame yourself or anyone for all the bad things that happen, just remember that they happen for a reason. One day, they will worth the tears and forgiveness you have sacrificed. Everyone who fights deserves a reward. That reward is waiting for you so don’t ever stop fighting for it. Forgive is the best way to start.

Forgiveness means letting go. Let go all the grudges and breathe.

Just breathe and smile.

It helps.

15 Minutes

You only need 15 minutes to make someone fall in love.

15 minutes is all you need to shatter someone’s life.

To break someone’s trust, people can do it in just 15 minutes.

You can turn someone’s life upside down in just 15 minutes.

In only 15 minutes you will find out the truth about a person’s life.

I wish those 15 minutes will go away.

I keep closing my eyes, hoping those 15 minutes will pass.

I push the thoughts so hard, to avoid those 15 minutes.

I wish those 15 minutes never happened.

Because in only 15 minutes,

I have killed myself for thousands of times.

Because in only 15 minutes,

people leave me to die.

Because in only 15 minutes,

they are cheering for the pains they have caused and will cause.

Because in only 15 minutes,

I let the devil win.

 

Sweetheart, What Have You Done to Us?

With your smile, my world is nothing but a constellation. It was dark, but then stars start twinkling. I thought I could never find my way home, but you showed me the way. I was lost, but you guided me. Telling that everything was going to be alright because you would keep me safe. No matter what happens, you will always stay.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

You make me worry about what might happen and overthink about what had happened. You were a strong rock, that even a tornado would never drop your guard. But now you are moving back and forth like you are waiting for the right wind to take you. You are not sure where to go, south or north? Wherever you choose to go, will you take me?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

I know you are scared to make the wrong decision. I am scared too. It seems like all the choices we have is going to lead us nowhere. The question is, are we ever going to be okay with it? All the possibilities we will face, don’t forget the downs we need to get through with or without each other. Will I be holding your hands when I am at my worst and vice versa?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

We used to be two peas in a pod. We completed each other and fill out the emptiness we had left behind for years. You used to look at me with those fire in your eyes. You used to make me feel wanted like I had never felt before in my life. You used to occupy all the visible space in my head. Tears and bruises used to be the forgotten friends of mine. No darkness will ever come near me, even when night comes I would feel like it was the brightest day I could ever see.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

The light is now dimmed. The butterflies had long died. The warmth of your fingertips feels colder than I thought. Your silence, it was never there before. The fights were merely a thing for us to acknowledge. We were calm, like a breezy wind at night. But now, every once in a while we were like a seething wave. I thought we were fine.

Sweetheart, what have we done to us?

The Best

This post is inspired by this amazing book called Uncaged Wallflower by Jennae Cecelia. This book contains poems for people who are afraid to show the world who they really are, scared to be rejected by the society, and have no courage to speak up because they are too afraid of being ignored. To sum up,  this book is written and published for people like me. First, I am going to quote one of my favorite poems with the same title ;

Life is not about

always being the best.

It is about facing fears

and growing from them.

You do not have to be number one.

Just do not live a life full of,

“what if’s.”


When you are too scared to be yourself just know that nobody is perfect. People who only want to be the best out of something they don’t know about the struggle some people face. I know it is scary to speak up in the room full of people, all eyes on you. I know you are thinking, ‘what if I’m only going to embarrass myself?’ ‘what if nobody listens?’ ‘what if someone asks a question and I can’t answer?’ ‘what if they think I’m a weirdo?’ I know because my thoughts are the same. Stop asking ‘what if’s‘ questions and instead say ‘F*ck this, I am going to do it’ it is better to regret rather than to wonder all your life. Don’t avoid mistakes, but make them and learn from them after that! (but it does not mean you can repeat the same mistake and never learn from it, that means you are a fool!)

My heart starts quivering when I have to be the center of attention even just for two seconds. I will be nervous, anxious, feeling nausea like I am going to throw up. I would rather run out of the room and stay in one of the bathroom isles until it is time to go home.

But you know what, those times are over!

This world needs more voice to be heard. If 10 people out of 20 choose to stay silent, nothing will ever change. I know it is hard and terrifying, but our voices matter too! Our opinions, our resolute minds, and ourselves are also noteworthy. You don’t want to be invisible all your life. Just because one callous comment does not mean you are a frivolous person who talks nonsense. Even one viewpoint from you can trigger other big ideas. You can become an introvert and extrovert at the same time, best of both worlds.

Here is the thing, I know closing your mouth shut is the only comfort zone you are going to live in. Just know that the real you who is screaming to get out is still trapped by your own ego and fear. You don’t have to be the best in anything, just be the best version of yourself and you will be more than fine. You will live your life to the fullest when there is nothing or nobody holding you back from expressing yourself.

Being the best does not always mean everything, it is only about the people who never feel of having enough in their life. I am not saying they are greedy, sure having a life goal to be the best mathematician or the best soccer player or the best attention seeker is not bad at all. But the more you seek, the more unhappy your life will be. So, again just becoming the best of who you can be is worthy of a lifetime reward. Stop covering yourself with uncertainties, stop hiding behind everyone’s back! Embrace who you are! Don’t forget that you are loved by the people who know you well.

You are the best and nobody can be a better you than yourself.

🙂

 

Introvert => Extrovert

When a group of people can turn an introvert into an extrovert… it is such an extraordinary thing.

I have been an introvert all my life and probably I always will. I am not really good at talking to other human beings, but I am good with cats (that is an extra credit for me). I don’t fit in anywhere, even when I am trying to. I don’t hate changes, I am scared. Afraid of being rejected by the new environment. I am that kid who doesn’t stand out, sitting as far away from the center, and as quiet as a statue. I show up and then gone. I am terrified when people notice me because then they will start to judge me.

When I am faced with a new scope of various types of people, I did what I do best, trying to be invisible. I thought I was still good at it, but these people I just met a week ago changed a whole new perspective in me.

A year ago, I only have a handful of friends that I can talk to, but not open up to. I don’t feel comfortable letting out the beast in me because I know some of them would not accept it when I steal the spotlight from them, so I listen and listen and in the end, I drew myself back from everyone slowly. In a new year, I have this huge opportunity to start everything fresh. Living back home with a new me, a totally different experience, and unexplored society.

I am not going to lie, the first thing that came up in my mind when I looked around the campus was that ‘I am not going to fit in with anybody here! Let’s just have 3-4 friends and then leave!’ I am a very judgemental person (though I hate to be judged as well). I met three people that surprisingly I am attached to easily. They are the sweetest and I am so grateful that I got to know them soon enough.

Then this outbound activity due on Tuesday and I was assigned to a group of 22 people that I had no idea who they were (but one of them is already a bestie to me so I am so so so ever thankful and relieved that I would not be as lost as I thought). Several days before the outbound, everyone had already gathered up with their own groups and mine was like, ‘Let’s meet up tomorrow’ until it was already two days before the departure.

So, we gathered up in a small square table outside the campus. Yeah, I was trying to tell myself, ‘shut up and listen’ and so I did. We introduced ourselves one by one, like names and what’s one thing that is unique about us. ‘Geez, these people have no idea how VERY ordinary my life is!’ so I only told them about this scorch in my left hand. One person said he looks like a Chinese but he does not have a Chinese heredity in his blood. One person is half Arabian, which is totally apparent. One person said about having chubby cheeks. One person said having dimples is unique, which I totally agree. Two are musicians and they are SOOO amazing. With other unique things like having beards and mustaches, scars, living in a forest, and other things that I probably don’t remember.

They were nice to me, thank God. Then the group chat started to be crowded, we followed each other on social media, and we talked or more like chatting. Some people have surprising mutual friends and alma maters. I still can’t explain it, but I started to be more comfortable around them and it was a very fast process. The hardest thing for me to do is feeling comfortable around new people. But, I somehow forgot about that weakness when I am with them.

On Tuesday, the day of the outbound, we agreed to wear black attire. We showed up looking all cool and macho…and very cohesive. I could not help myself not to smile and to feel proud. “Probably this group is not as bad as I thought”. We laughed and talked loudly while waiting for the bus to come. From day one, I already feel like I am a whole new person. I couldn’t control my brain, I kept blurting out all the absurd things I could think of. That was embarrassing! But in an utter shock to me, not a single person in my group think I was a weirdo. Maybe they think I am a weirdo and I just don’t know, but they let me become who I am. I have never really been this comfortable around new people so fast in my life. And I think I like it to be who I am now.

Day 1

We got off the bus and we went directly to form a line in the middle of an opened field. The instructor was from the military based and he was mean! He commanded us to lay down on the hard and pebbly asphalt out of the blue and started yelling. He took our phone and money away for 3 days, some of us had no chance to say goodbye to their relatives. Me? Nah, nobody would even bother wondering where I was. Because again, I am just too good to be invisible.

I don’t know how it all happened but my group, we already are best friends. I mean, we just met once before that day and I wasn’t even sure I remembered all of their names yet. But what I did all day was just acting like a crazy person, making senseless jokes, and saying unfiltered slangs. But they were still being nice and I don’t know, they accepted me to be who I am just like that! Day one, we were busy standing straight like we were in a military force and mostly just bonding. We became even closer once again, I became even wilder. We discussed the whole night about our group project that has been assigned to us. To be honest, I had no clue what to say because my brain was a total nitwit when the clock starts hitting 10 pm. So, while feeling so bad and ashamed I did not say a word to help out on the group project, all I did was trying to force my eyes open and to nod my head when someone purposed an idea. Later on, I took the first shift for a  night watch in the girl’s barrack until 1 AM with one of the members and my head was going to calcify like a time bomb, but I managed to stay conscious.

Day 2

We have already gathered in the main field at 5 am. Even the sun was still asleep! We all did a little jogging, a little push-up, and morning exercise. After breakfast, we walked several miles (not sure how far, but it was a long and exhausting walk. I stumbled for far too many times because I have two left feet and I hate it when my clumsiness kicked in, I needed to look tough in front my team!).

We did climbings, crossing from one cliff to another using only a single rope as the bridge, walking down a very muddy cliff and then climbing back up with only using a rope as safety. Too many hurdles and I almost gave up in the middle of the day, but I kept screaming to myself inside my head ‘Don’t you dare give up on yourself now! You’re not the same coward as you were a year ago!’  and I finished all the four challenging games (though there were some embarrassing moments of me and also fro other members LOL in one or two, at least we did not give up!).

The whole group did a very good job and I think my group has the strongest bond among other groups! I am super proud!

Day 3

We wrapped up the last day with boring group presentations that felt like an eternity. But we all survived those 3 rough days pretty fine!

So here is the thing, an introvert can also become an extrovert. Not necessarily for good, but sometimes a group of people can make the best out of an introvert. It all depends on who introverts spend the time with. I still can become the introvert of me when I am in class or anywhere I am really but when I am with this 21 people I newly met a week ago, I became my true self that I never realized was there in the first place. Like I was a whole new person! It is surprising, but I don’t know it also feels kind of relieving. It is like I have been holding my breath all these years and I can finally let it out. But outside this group, I will still be an introvert and will always be.

So, I want to do a shout out for these 21 people. Thank you so much to Tama, Adi, Derin, Ina, Devy, Feby, Fikia, Frank, Galang, Iqbal, Maya, Aji, Basra, Ira, Oldy, Restu, Sekar, Silvana, Taufiq, Zharfan (though you could not come during the outbound you contributed so much without you we would not be able to finish our group flag and chest numbers), and Zimam. You guys are amazing! Such gentlemen, because all the dudes in this group kept looking out after all the girl members and the girls are very caring to one another! Thank you so much group 1 (UNO!)  for making me feel like I am finally accepted after so long. I am so proud of us! I love my new family and I hope we can always stay close until we all graduate! See you guys on top!

1/16/2018

That cold wind I always remember is blowing, brushing my skin.

That sunlight I always crave for is shining, touching my whole body.

Whenever the morning comes,

I feel the rush to open all the windows and doors,

welcoming that wind and that sunlight,

into my life once again.

Every morning like this is my only true happiness.

To hear the sound of leaves swooshing all around,

to see the trees dancing.

The trees and sunlight are my friends.

I want to stand in the middle, spreading my hands wide open,

soaking up the moment I am in, and just stay like this forever.

I have been too far away for so long.

They missed me.

They are happy that I am finally home.

Yeah, I am home.

 

Demons

I have been so addicted to Jacob Lee lately. He is an Australian Indie singer and songwriter. You can check him out more here !

This is the first song I stumbled into first and I fell in love with it directly. This song for me is so full of emotion and probably because I love a dark indie song. This song is called ‘Demons’

But then, this is also my favorite Demons video when he performed at the Philosophical Session last year. Jacob Lee is one of the underrated most brilliant musicians. I bet you will fall in love with him too after this. Watch!


The second song I found very enticing is called ‘Ghost’

I actually love all of his songs to be honest, like Ocean, Secrets, I Just Know, Chariot, etc. I can’t wait for his full album release. I hope he is working on it very soon. It would have been so great too if one of his songs used as movie soundtracks like 13 Reasons Why or something. It would also be so great to have him do a collaboration with Billie Eilish! OMG, okay I will stop here so you can enjoy and check him out!

INTJ => INFJ

Shifting from an INTJ into INFJ.

If change is the only constant thing, then adapting is also the one who comes with it. But as hard as facing constant changes, adapting is not easy. If it is, there will be no ‘culture shock’. Imagine that the culture shock does not happen in a new place you live in, but it happens inside you, literally. It’s not about the shifting process, it’s because I am overwhelmed with the sudden change that I have in me now. I am now an INFJ. But somewhere deep inside I still can feel the old INTJ of me reacting to so many things I am dealing with.


Both personalities are in the category of ‘rare’, especially INTJ regarding I am a woman, while INFJ is the rarest among other personalities. But the most significant change in my life is the way I see everything and how I make my decisions. I never really thought about it before, but when I was still an INTJ, I was more of a thinker. I used logic and what makes sense to me regardless others opinion. But now I tend to do what my heart tells me to and sometimes, if not most of the time, doesn’t make sense. I feel weaker. I can’t handle stress and great pressures as it will affect my health. It is weird, isn’t it? 


It is like I have two personalities and able to switch to whichever, whenever I want to. It sounds scary and strange. Although the difference is only on the Extraverted Feeling (INFJ) and Extraverted Thinking (INTJ), it is obvious that I have changed into a whole new person. This is what I believe now; people do change. It might happen because of the people you hang around with, the new environment you’re living in, your age, and even society. It can impact you and the way you see yourself and everything around you.


Both INTJ and INFJ are Introvert and Intuitive. The main difference is that INTJ is more of an Antagonist and INFJ is more of a Protagonist. Can you imagine how that affects my life? From being someone so tough, mean, and heartless into a weak, selfless, and sensitive person. I remember thinking how I hated this kind of self, I am just too weak to defend myself, and just too stupid for using feelings more rather than my brain. I promised to never give myself up and turn into who I am now. But a lot has changed me and it was an inevitable process.


Environment took the role in changing me. After I graduated, the environment around me adjusted itself like it revolved on its own. The next thing I knew, I was already a different person. What do you think about the difference between an INFJ and an INTJ? “Oh nothing much, it’s just that sometimes I can be so touchy and I cry more now, then I will fall ill whenever I cry too much.” I wish I could say that all the time to get free passes in life being one of the weakest personalities in all of humanity. But, nah, that is called complaining and I believe INFJ never complains.
Anyway, INFJ as you can see is very sensitive because they tend to use their hearts to think and to make decisions. INTJ on the other hand, uses logic. When they need to take action, they don’t see the effect they made to other people as long as they are doing what they want to do. Sometimes INTJ can be considered selfish.

But INFJ is across the road. They think before they act. “What will happen to this person if I do this?” “Will he be hurt if I do this?” “Will he be happy if I do that?” it is like, INFJ lives to serve other people, to please other people. For an INTJ, “F*ck that, I won’t do it just to please you!” so, can you imagine how many degrees I have to turn myself around?


Thankfully, I am not alone! There are people out there who are struggling with this kind of thing as well. I have a friend, who had to deal with the same shifting process in a hard way. I am considered lucky because I already have someone to look up to and ask for advice. He suggested that I take it slowly and try not to be overwhelmed by the process. 

Here is what I have learned from the changing process: tolerance. Being a little bit more sensitive gives you some perks too. It makes you become more tolerant to other people and it appears nurturing to them which appeals nicely. People only want to be understood. It is like that is why God created INFJ people, to understand other people. INFJ is like having this superpower to comfort other people, which to be blunt, is really tiring. Creating a smile in someone else’s face always drains out the energy, but it will always worth the effort. 

All INFJ needs is isolating themselves to recharge her/himself before heading out and giving away wise advises that sometimes, if not most of the time, they need for their own. Funny, isn’t it? INFJ does not need anybody to make them feel better. The only person that can push them are themselves and other fellow INFJ. Because you know why? We have a strong bond between one another and the ones who could understand each other. I was surprised how quickly I can connect to my other INFJ peers even though I have only known them for several days. That can be one of the perks too. INFJ can connect to so many people, yet people cannot do the other way around. It is like a one way connection, which seems unfair but it is enough for INFJ to make friends.

The changing process is not bad and I can finally embrace my inner INFJ. It is hard to let go of the INTJ in me completely because it will always be in my blood. But I am grateful that I am included in the rarest personality as there is only a handful of us in this world. This humanity needs more INFJ people. This humanity needs me.