Come out!

“Jillian?”

That sound whispers loudly once again through the small gaps of ventilation. It echoes in the dark.

I don’t recognize his voice, but why does he know my name? He is not from the Fantasy world I suppose.

“Jill, it’s me…” the voice continues. “William.”

Should I trust him?

William, my dear best friend in the orphanage. He came to this orphanage two days after my arrival. We were 10 months old then, we grew up together and became the closest friends in this house. Nothing could separate us, beside the moment when I took the murky passage that led me to Fantasy world and went missing for years. How many years? I suddenly can’t remember.

“Jillian, I know you’re in there.” Will says. “Please, do come out!”

Warmth is blanketing all of my body every time he says my name. William knows my hiding place, though I never took him in. He always pretends he never knew to protect me. I also never confronted him for keeping my hideout a secret, to protect him , to protect both of us.

“I won’t hurt you,” he says once again, pleading me to do what he says.

I take a sudden deep breath. I wasn’t breathing this whole time, was I?

William’s voice is different from the last time I heard it. He sounds deeper, calmer, and more mature. How long have I been missing out his life?

I try to crane my numb legs, but they hit the wall so hard. William and I both startle from the sound.

“Jill, come out now please before someone wakes up!”

What should I do?

What if it is the Minotaur who talks to me all this time? Pretending to be Will. But how did the Minotaur knows who my best friend is?

“Don’t be scared,” he says that again. “I miss you Jillian. Please come out!”

No.

My tears sting so bad in my eyes.

I miss him too.

I push my self forward and screening the illuminating light through the ventilation gaps. There I found his blue eyes with widening pupils, staring back at me.

It’s him. It’s William.

I push the small door ever so slightly and shift my body out slowly. I close the small and invisible door behind me.

He’s there fifteen inches away from me, staring at me with disbelief.

I can feel his warmth and minty breath from the toothpaste we usually share.

He’s smiling.

I don’t really recognize his face anymore. He hardly looks similar. But that smile, those blue eyes, that satin smooth hair that is now so much shorter. They are all the same that the old William has, my dear best friend.

The rumbling sounds come closer now.

The Minotaur is already crashing the front gate!

My body jolts upwards and so does Will. We stare into each other’s eyes. We know what we need to do next.

Run. Hide.

Together.

 

 

 

 

Hide!

Hide!

My instinct tells me to hide.

I am once again back in the orphanage, where I have spent all my life here. The only place that is giving me nightmares every night, the only place that gave me this bad insomnia. I have always been scared both to sleep and awake. But now, I am back. I know it’s just a place for hiding. I can still sneak around and run back to Fantasy world when the Minotaur has already gone. Will I ever be able to do so?

I have tried to hide and run away from here several years ago, but I kept failing until I gave up. Then when I had stopped trying, there was where I could finally disappear for good. It was the moment when I discovered the murky passage that led me to Fantasy world.

Creaak..

Someone is tip-toeing the wrong footing somewhere. I remember just well how one of the wooden tiles in this building, especially in several steps of the stairs, are not concrete that make squeaking sounds when someone steps on them.

I gasp.

Hide!

My instinct is yelling now. I look around the dark and humid room to find a small opening. I know where to hide! I run as quietly as I can but fast enough to reach the spandrel closet under the stairwell. This small closet has never been used or opened before. Because just like me, we are oblivious. I used to hide here when I didn’t want to be bothered. They never found me.

The small door does not seem so apparent, that’s why everyone doesn’t notice it that much. But somehow, for me the small stripes of ventilation on the wooden door are the most visible in this house.

I hook one of my fingers to one of the ventilation and tug the door out, making a small gap just for my body to get in. I have to fold my legs and hug them to my chest now. So, I’m taller now since I went missing? Because I still could sit straight the last time I hid here.

“Who’s there?”

Someone is whispering loudly from the bottom of the stairs, just meters away from where I’m breathing.

I cover my mouth with my hand to hide the sound of me who is suddenly panting.

“Is anyone there?”

The footstep is getting closer to where I hide.

No,

“Hello?”

He sounds scared. We both are.

“Please, come out!”

His voice is now right outside the spandrel door.

No!

“Are you in there?”

I can see his eyes wandering in the darkness.

They are so blue.

“Jill?”

I gasp. My tears suddenly appear. My heart suddenly thuds and then stops beating. My hands are cold, but sweats spurting out from my forehead.

He knows my name.

He knows where I hide.

Who is he?

I’m scared.

Where do I go now?

Run!

It’s dark.

The passage is murky, it gives me chill.

What time is it? The cold night wind penetrates through my olive skin.

I’m scared, but I need to keep going.

I have to run away before the Minotaur captures me!

I was finally sleeping after fighting my insomnia for a year. The Dryads helped me with their song.

Yes, I was finally at ease. Until the Minotaur came to my wigwam and scattered all my books, as usual looking for an answer that is never there.

The Dryads didn’t give me a warning sign before their arrival. I was hiding under my blanket, until the Minotaur gave up his search. Minotaurs are blind at night, they don’t see very clear in the dark. That’s why I need to keep going further this passage. I don’t know what’s on the end of this passage, but I keep on going.

Rumbling sounds came from behind me. Like a tractor lost control in a corn maze, trying to swallow and cut everything in its way.

Don’t cry!

I swipe away my newly coming tears with the sleeve of my pajama. I cuss in between my breath, why didn’t I remember to put on thicker pajamas during Autumn nights? It’s almost winter!

I run.

I keep running deeper than the passage itself.

I found myself running into Steep Hill in Lincoln. I can run up or down there! All I have to do first is to look for an open shop and knock, but in this matter I need to burst in before the Minotaur gets here!

But it’s dark! All the shops are closed, somehow the pubs are out of business tonight. Where do I go? Up or down? Either way, I can’t find a place to hide. At least, not soon enough.

Without thinking twice I continue running down the Hill to Well Lane.

Wait, how do I still remember the name if this street? I feel like I’m home. But this is not my home, but I know I’m back to somewhere I used to belong in.

My home is in the Fantasy world! This is England, I suppose? Did I come from this world before I was lost in the Fantasy world? They’re two different  worlds.

In Fantasy world, there will be no darkness allays the living creatures. There will be stars and bright full moon. In this world, the sky looks…sad and empty.

I need to stop wandering around, I need to hide!

Oh, I know just the right way! I remember this road. It will lead me to somewhere I can’t recall. But I know this place, I remember what it feels like to be living in my own nightmare.

I remember I’d always hated this place and wished to leave. I did! But why am I back here again?

Was that the passage I took that led me to the Fantasy world?

Why is it so easy to find, yet I’ve been living there for 10 years? Did I forget where I’ve come from?

The rumbling sound is now coming closer to me. It follows me back here!

Run faster! Go hide!

I don’t have to think about which turns I should take, or where this Hill will take me to, because I know where I’m going. I’m familiar with the street around me. The houses and street lamps. The silence. Everything is like in the back of my head in an instance.

I’m almost there.

Straight ahead, my old nightmare.

The place that gives me goosebumps. The place full of horror. The place that leaves the outcry in me. The place I will never forget.

The black gate is still standing tall, even a tornado won’t take it down. None can tear that house apart from the ground.

It is scary. I don’t want to go back inside, because once I set my foot inside I will never go out again.

The roar of an angry Minotaur is echoing from above, all the street lamps burst into flames.

I need to get inside.

I push the gate open without force and it’s already cracked open. I run inside and close the gates carefully behind me, trying not to make a creak sound.  I continue running deeper into the house.

The scent of violence burns my lungs instantly.

Suddenly, I am taken back into my darkest times. I can’t run back outside, but I am scared to keep on going further into the house. What should I do? Where should I run now? Where can I hide?

The Negative and Positive Sides of Being an Introvert

*note : this post is based on my own opinions. So if someone is offended or have different opinions, please speak up.

Me, one of the Introverts standing between Extroverts, trying to survive in such a cruel world.

Someday I would love it being an introvert, the other day I would envy the extrovert.

Being an introvert isn’t all bad and isn’t all pleasing at the same time either. Being an introvert is…complicated. Living in the world with classes is hard. You will never be equal, I mean everyone is different. But why is it hard for us introverts to fit in with society like extroverts can easily do?!?!

No extrovert can understand what us introverts feel and think!

Here are some negative and positive points of being an introvert.

POSITIVE ;

  1. When people ignore you, you won’t get hurt as much as extroverts will. Because you know why, introverts like to be invisible. We tend to be oblivious and sometimes people will never realize about our existence, not until we make a sound.
  2. Introverts are calm and quite. So when people get tired of dramas, an introvert can be a good companionship and sometimes a good human diary.
  3. We don’t mind being alone and doing everything by ourselves. Because introverts hate loud people. So, when we are put in a condition where we have to deal or do anything alone, there’s nothing to worry about.
  4. I’m not so sure why, but most in my case people tell me that introverts give the best advises. We have our own thoughts. We are so unpredictable. Though we don’t express more of our feelings, always stay away from crowds and dramas, never put ourselves in public, but an introverts can be a good examiner. We see everything that happens around us because we’re invisible. We know what is going on. We know how to give advise, or even though we can’t, we’ll always be a good listener.
  5. We will never be bored. Or if we do, we can always find something small for entertainment. We don’t need to move around so much, spend money on things we see, we don’t even need to get out. We can simply just chill in front of our laptop, surfing the internet, writing, reading, watching movies, or just enjoying a hot cup of tea while day-dreaming. Anything can become an activity.
  6. Introverts can be a good friend for everyone because we tend to be loyal to someone that we care the most. We don’t socialize much. Making friends is the hardest part we have to do in life. But once we have some close friends, we will never hurt them or betray them. We will protect them. Imagine dating an introvert, you’d be treated as a king. (Well, not really LOL)
  7. If you ever hurt an introvert by accident, just give them sometimes for themselves and they will forgive you no matter what. But they will always remember.
  8.  Like number 6, introverts are loyal. Though introverts hate to be the center of attention, or just to be in a place where there are more than 4 people in the room, once we find someone so close and dear to use, we will never let go. How badly you treat us, we will always forgive and stay although we might never forget, because for us finding the perfect one is such a life-time achievement. I mean, going out there talking to someone is already hard enough. We will treasure that person, but we have limits. We know when to let go or to keep on holding on.
  9. Introverts are creative. It doesn’t mean that extroverts aren’t. But the way we think is different from most of other people out there. This one is hard to be explained, but I don’t know why most introverts are just creative, and weird… but in a cool way.
  10. Introverts are smart. That does not mean extroverts are stupid. Sometimes extroverts can outsmart introverts. People judge us introverts as weird and probably stupid because we never say anything in class, give an argument, or correct someone when they make mistakes. But we’re not. We just don’t talk, we think. Because introverts has the loudest minds then those who speak too much. (no offense!) because we prefer to be silent when we don’t know or do, rather than saying wrong things and being too cocky about it which will only make you look dumber.

NEGATIVE ;

  1. We’re too sensitive. I know when I say introverts are like being to be left alone, but sometimes we want the world to know that we actually exist too. Especially when an introvert has an extrovert best friend. Urgh, that is just hard! Because you will only be more invisible. We can get hurt too you know if someone is ignoring us too much or and too far. Like, HELLO? CAN YOU SEE ME? I’M RIGHT HERE TOO, BREATHING AND ALIVE!
  2. It’s hard to put our thought into words. Like when people ask about how we feel, we’re just going to say that we’re fine which is a lie. Because expressing ourselves, telling the truth about how we exactly feel is harder than to peel of a potato using a spoon. We don’t care about how you feel, and we’re scared if we’re going to tell how we feel and no one will care is a nightmare for us. Because introverts are just TOO SENSITIVE!
  3. Making a friend is hard, let alone to be famous. We’re not confident enough. Why? because I think being invisible will be a lot easier than to be apparent, no one will judge a non-existent human being. You will never be judged. Because no one knows that you’re actually alive. But this will be a bad thing, in terms of love and friendship. It’s hard to get a boyfriend and friends (at least loyal ones)
  4. We’re never a good leader. Because it connects with number 1-3. Think about it…
  5. Introverts always expect the bad out of the good. We don’t expect too much, though we dream as high as a skyscraper. Or we’re more like, pessimist. We’re scared of falling too deep and too hard.
  6. We will always ask ourselves this for the rest of our lives, “Am I brave enough to do that?” “What does it feel like to be the center of attention, to have so many friends who care, to be (at least) someone’s favorite, to be the first choice?”
  7.  We will never know how to be an extrovert
  8. We will always envy extroverts
  9. We will always be the sidekick
  10. Sometimes we pity ourselves to be all alone all the time because your extrovert friends will always have someone else to hang out with, and we will blame ourselves for not making enough friends and for hating everyone too much.

I guess, in the end it depends on your own self. If you enjoy being an introvert that’s okay. But people can change. Depends on how environment effects your attitude, behavior, your life. Depends on how you see the world from your perspective.

If I’m wrong, please correct me.

If you’re agree, thanks…

This is just one of my opinions about something. People are allowed to have their own opinions, aren’t they?

Fire In The Water

When heat meets cold, one of them dies. When You and I are together, one of us is biased. I am the cold, with an arid ice, lethargically firm. You are the heat, with a raging fire, blithely intangible. The cold always loses. Yet the heat deprecates what’s claimed.

I am breathing heavily. Smoke is coming out of my lungs.

“I know what you are going to commit,” a hazy of entreat look deplores across your face.

“Define it,” You unsettle the heedless secrecy in you.

“Come with me!”

I sally in to the dark within your grasp. You follow submissively. We travel far into the forest. The deeper we get, the more I get my power. Your fire starts to dim, your heat starts to  dwindle. I don’t care, because that is my purpose all along. You don’t seem to waive. I treacherously abet the enemy. I take your hand in mine and we continue marching in a whim.

We come across to what seems like a misty lake. I let go of your hand and face you.

“Let your fire burst this forest into ashes.” such an omnipotent command that sounds.

“You know I can’t,” a prickle of fire sparks catapulted from your fingertips. They look like stars, yellowish red almost orange, they sting when they touch my skin. I don’t flinch. Not even a little bit.

You notice. Mirthless, your eyes.

“Take my hand!” I beckon the deference of your obedience by offering you the bridge to my power. I know whenever our power interacts to one another, a great explosion will occur inside each of us.

“But if I take your hand,” You are contemplating. “I am going to kill you.”

“Let me die,” I am writhed by the acrimonious remark of your condolence.

“I won’t!” You take a step back. My power kicks in and ice starts to grow around your feet.

“Do it,” I push the urge to curdle and battle your power I seek to get accelerated anytime soon.

“I said, I won’t!” You holler out the pain in you. Your body starts to tremble. The ice that starts to grow to your pelvis is melting rapidly.

“I know you want to let go of your power,” I smirk but I weep. “I am your adversary, fight me!” I hasten my power by entering the lake behind me.

“I will not,” You outcry the agony both outside and inside your body. I am killing you from the outside, and you are killing yourself from the inside. You seem to be obviating no option to die.

“Let it out!” I scream my mist out. “Kill me!”

You estrange whatever it is that you are scared of. The ice that I am growing up to your chin is cracking. You take slow and gentle steps into the lake. I whirl the mist into white clouds, shielding us from the damp dark forest.

“You want this,” Our eyes meet. You rise before me. “I don’t!”

“Tell me why not?” I don’t shift my gaze anywhere but your eyes.

“I don’t want to kill you!” Your eyes, the shape of diamonds, crystallizing and that makes me startled. You cry lava, those crystals are mine.

“I’m not going to let you,” I am getting closer to you. “Let your power out! Burn this forest down!”

You take my hands and we merge into an embrace. We both close our eyes. I let my power to be the armor. The ground is rumbling beneath our feet. But the lake keeps us up from falling. I control the water to penetrate your skin and to blight the fear of killing me.

I can feel pain, joy, love, and war zone between us. Air pulls me away from you, but you clasp me in sealed.

Fire in the water, we become stronger.

You are panting hard, taking in and out oxygen. I kiss you, agitate your lungs with my cold air.

“You see?” I smile. “This forest haunted me for so long. Together we are strong. Let go of your power when you’re with me, I will protect you from harming us. You are the soldier, and I will be your shield. But you have to listen to me, and put your faith in me.”

“I thought I was going to kill you with my fire because cold…”

“Always loses?”

A pang of guilt comes across your eyes.

“My power is just as strong as yours. When you’re in my zone, nothing can kill me. Even if I let you to, I will die because of my own power. Don’t hold back. I am more powerful than ever when you’re with me, and so are you.”

 

These I Have Loved

These I have loved;

Gooey yellowish thawed slime; the reeked stench of a cheese;

Brownish sometimes pitch black liquid; sizzling in a big coffee mug;

The twinging sensation from a pungent culinary; sweats of joy and satisfaction;

The purring sound from a ball of furs;

The rhythm of a piano and flute;

The petrichor of a heavy rain; freshly damped earth;

The sound of tranquility – in aesthetic forms of soul;

 

The smell of books; grayish white into moldy pages;

A group of impregnable people; humorous and loyal.

Love; friendship;

Memories from another time;

Life; Truth;

These I have loved.

Inspired by The Great Lover (1915) by Rupert Brooke

 

Everything and Nothing

The sound of thunder makes me shiver. The darkness inside makes me allay. The coldness all around makes me numb. Your presence makes me irate. I want to disappear. I want to go. I want to run away.

The room is starting to heat up without fire. The thunder has gone along with the dark. You are starting to fade away, but I become more concrete. One eventful moment as I am reaching for your hand but you’re not.

“Don’t go,” a laconic sentence that states the unspoken.

“Come here,” you are a lethal weapon that tries to deprive my existence.

“If I come near you,” I become a stone. “You will disappear.”

You are a lucid form of my dream. The best dream I have ever had.

“No,” you are lying. “I won’t go anywhere.”

“But you are not real,” I lower my head. “Not anymore.”

“Come!” you are masquerading as a motley creature. I don’t dare to touch you. But you are beautiful and I am hypnotized.

“Stop pretending!” I am half screaming in a nonchalant tune. You are stunned because of my sudden morose temper. “Go back to where you were!”

“But I’m here for you,” you look hurt. But I am hurt even more. I don’t want to waste another 8 years to just see you cease away again. But you came back out of the blue and I am scared now. “Reach my hand and come with me!” you want me to do something that does not even make sense. You don’t reach out your hand for me to take. What am I supposed to hold on to?

“What do you want?” a murky expression comes across my face.

“I want you to come with me,” you obviated the dark secret in you to allure me into a frenzy. “But I don’t want to be with you, too. But I loved you, maybe I still do.”

Such a paradox you tell me.

“I can’t go anywhere,” a reflection of his own pensive thought is pervading across my mind. “Not until you tell me what is your purpose to come back!”

You give me a slight peremptory pep talk, but then you stop.

“You are haunting me,” I start to tremble. “Three years and then another five years. You have always been haunting me, haven’t you? You love it to see me like this, don’t you?”

“What do you mean?” your feet are starting to touch the ground. I’m thinking you might be staying for good for a second, but I don’t want to conclude that fast. Because every damn time when I think of you might come back, I always get disappointed by my own paradigm.

“I am suffering!” I am screaming at the top of my lungs. I am standing in the zenith of mountains between us. “Can’t you see that?”

“Please, I want to feel the heat from your body because I’m so cold right now!” you are walking or more like floating towards me. “But your heat will kill me.”

“What exactly do you want?”

“I want nothing.”

“If you want me, say it!”

You are writhing in pain. “Stop!” you are in a great pain, but I don’t know where it is from.

“If you don’t want me, just go!”

“No!” you’re still clutching your temple. I hear sobs coming from you.

“I don’t mind waiting 8 more years just to find you coming back here in another form of ghost.” I am getting closer to you.

“Stay where you are!” You halt me with a gentle push.

“You want me to come, I’ll come!”

“Don’t come any closer!”

“You want me to leave, I’ll leave!”

You are angry. You are fighting with your own thoughts. I don’t care what they are.

“Just say it!” I demand. “Say what you want! Just say it!”

“I want everything and nothing at all,” you are crying but there are no tears on your face.

We are standing there, facing each other. One floating, one petrifying. One is a ghost, one is a stone. One is fluid, one is congealed. But we are both unsure for what might come next.

We will always be this way.

 

Tout Ce Que Je Te Demande

When you have a guy best friend, never expect one of you will not fall into the black magic that is called love. There is no friendship between a guy and a girl. No, there is no such thing. Yes, deny it all you want! She knows you don’t believe it. But please, trust her on this, she did not believe it too at first.

“So, how are you?” he asked. What is wrong with him? They were just talking to each other last night on the phone.

She sat there across from him. The food between them were starting to be cold. The salmon on her plate was awry cooked. She could tell by the pinkish color on the bottom. Talk to me! You’re just spitballing here and I want to know whatever it is that you are hiding! 

“Are you going to talk to me or not?” he asked again and this time he was staring deep into her eyes.

She shifted on her seat uneasily. “Yes,” she replied without looking directly at his face. “What are we going to talk about?”

“Anything you want,” he smiled knowing that she was still keen to respond.

You asked me out, therefore you are the one who needs to talk! Oh my God, he is such a buffoon!  She knew there was something insignificantly fishy when he asked her out for lunch. They are best friends or were, well she thought it was something more than that between them. She always has thought of that. Almost five years they were going nowhere. He treats her so well, like no best friend would treat each other. She feels like a princess whenever they are together. He teases her like a brother to his sister. He takes care of her like best friends. They fight like a couple. But none of those seems real for her right now. They were there, physically, like two strangers on a disastrous blind date. She knew she wouldn’t want to be there if it wasn’t because of her curiosity. Not only that, but it was because she cares.

“So, why are you taking me out?” she asked him with no suspicious tone in her voice. Like she already knew what will happen but still wants confirmation.

“What do you mean why?” he looked hurt. Well, he should be. “I just want to have a nice lunch with you. Is that wrong?”

Yes, it is wrong. You don’t usually ask me out for lunch, I mean just the two of us! We usually go with seven other people because you never want to be just the two of us! Why is that so wrong? Are you disgusted when people stare at us and think we are as a couple? Am I that disgraceful to you? I know I am not pretty like other girls you always have a crush on. Geez, are you going to give me a lecture about something? 

“No,” she replied after having a debate in her own head. “Not at all. It’s just…”

He bent over slightly.

“It’s just not you,” she giggled awkwardly. “It’s just unusual.”

He laughed, like really laughed. She stomped a little in her seat.

There was an awkward moment. He cleared his throat.

“So, who’s hitting on you at the moment? Come on, tell me about this guy…”

What was that supposed to mean? “No one,” she replied.

“You sure?” he teased her, but she is not up for a game right now.

There is nobody that can make me fall in love like you do. “I swear! To be honest,” she was itching from the words in the tip of her tongue. “No one deserves condign affection from me. They didn’t give me that comfort feeling, not like you do to me.”

There was another awkward silent again.

“Well, what about you?” she took control the whole situation. She is like a tigress, trying to pretend that she is strong but she is actually scared. “I mean, what about all that girls you used to tell me about?”

He moved uncomfortably in his seat. She knew he was hiding something. “I’m done with them.” he said plainly. But in his last tone, there was something else. His eyes were telling her that she should be ready for what’s coming next. “But there is someone,” he finally said after taking a long deep breath.

“Who?” she asked in agony.

“You don’t know, do you?” He smirked. What was that for?

She shook her head so very slow and he didn’t notice.

“You know her very well,” he mumbled with his head bowing so low. He played his fork in his left hand but he was staring at his half-eaten food. “She’s one of us.”

She tried to recall all the girl’s names in her group. Well, there were only five of them including her. Two are taken, it left her with two other girls. At first, she had this thought that it might be her. Maybe he was about to confess his feeling towards her. Really? She could feel a little joy in herself.

But this is all bogus! It can’t be me! But he is so nice to me today, and that is what makes it all so fishy. I mean, why would he wait until now to just say if he loves me? Why not years ago?

“She’s one the closest to you,” he suddenly said like knowing she was being too self-conscious.

The closest? It is you imbecile little moron! But I guess, it is supposed to be a girl then?! Wait… Oh my God…

“Since when?” she asked in a low voice. She almost screamed, she meant to. But her self-control wouldn’t let her and instead she whispered. A whimpering sound came within her.

He was contemplating at first, but told her everything. He found out that he likes her three years ago. He doesn’t explain how and why he likes her. He told her their little getaway to the most beautiful place and all. He also told her that she felt the same way, but she couldn’t tell her best own best friend because it might hurt her. Yes, it does hurt! All she could do was listening and nodding, smiling even. But inside her, there was a battle. A part of her wants to scream and run away, the other wants her to cry and explain everything to him. That she is still in love with him, she is still waiting for him, she is still hoping for a fairy tale ending, and most of all she still wants him.

“Are you okay?” he asked when she didn’t respond anymore.

she felt the tears prickled in the corner of her eyes. She stood up abruptly, her chair made a squeaking noise it makes him cringed. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she rushed to the back. Some people stared at her when she passed their tables.

Why her? Why not any other girl out there like before? Why my own best friend? I told her everything about him. I told her about this devastating date. I told her EVERYTHING. She was also the only one who encouraged me to come to him first. She was the one who kept supporting me to be with him. She told me I would be good for him! Why? Wasn’t she hurt to back me up to date her own lover? Why would she hurt herself for me?

She suddenly felt guilty, but why? It is her the one who’s hurting right now. It is her who is betrayed. It is her to suffer from all this cheap drama!

She went back to the table just to find him looking at her with a smile on his face. You are disgusting! “I’m going home,” she said taking her purse. She took out several bills from her purse and tossed them to the table in front of him.

“Wait,” he did the same and ran after her. “At least let me give you a ride.”

She kept walking.

“Please, wait!” he pulled her hand. She shirked away from his grasp and turned to face him.

“Go away!” she said. Her voice was trembling badly. “Go away before I start to scream!”

“Please, don’t do this!” he pleaded. His eyes were full with sorrow. But why? He is the evil! “I can’t lose you, please!”

The words slapped her right on her cheeks. “Why? So that you can still hurt me? Is it fun for you to watch me hurt? Is it some kind of an entertainment for you?”

“No, I don’t mean it like that!” He sighed. “Listen, you are my best friend! I don’t want to just end it like this. I still want us to hang out, to debate over silly things, to make fun of you until your face turns red like a tomato, to be with you when I need to tell all my problems. Don’t go!”

She laughed. Yes, it was funny! Funny how someone can say that when he doesn’t even love her and he loves someone else. “Ha!”

“Listen to me, buddy! If you want me to stay, you can’t be with her. But if you want to be with her, let me go!”

“I can’t,”

“You are one selfish little brat, aren’t you?” she narrowed her eyes. A frown formed on her face. “You have to choose! Because she is my best friend! I don’t want to hurt her,” she paused. “And I don’t to be hurt anymore.” she whispered still trying to hold on to her tears.

“Please,” he still went on begging her to stay. “I can’t lose you anymore. I know you are going to disappear after today. It is hard enough for me to let you go!”

“What about her? Don’t you care?”

“I’m not even going back to her,”

Liar. 

All I ask of you is just to choose,” she said softly. “I might disappear after today, but that is because I need some time. If you want to be with her, I am all happy for you both. My best friends are finally happy together. But I can’t let you to have us both. If you are my best friend, you have to let me go and be gone!”

He didn’t say anything.

She knew that was her time to go. No more of this. She’s had enough of this; of him, of life, of everything. She walked away thinking she will never fall in love again that easy. This makes her believe that a guy and a girl can never be best friend. She hates this world for being so unfair. But eventually, she will forgive but not forget. She has learned something and that is to never trust anyone but herself. She is moving on. She will, someday soon. She will be happy again. But for now, let her take sometime and grief. Before she gets back up and start everything fresh.

 

7/16/2016

I remembered that night.

The first time that we met,

you smiled at me,

my heart pulsated.

I remembered that day.

The first time we ever talked,

your voice was so gentle,

my body shimmered.

I remembered that morning.

The first time we laughed together,

your eyes shone so bright,

my head spun in circle.

It was a quixotic scheme,

that I will never erase.

One day you disappeared.

Where are you?

I need you!

Every time I kept saying goodbyes,

you wouldn’t let me.

You were there once again,

blocking my way.

I was trapped,

for the second time.

I was settled by your affection.

But you wouldn’t let me.

Then you were gone again.

I tried to run away.

You were suddenly right behind me,

pulling me into a deep trance.

I was in frenzy for the third time.

I pleaded.

I begged you to stay.

I didn’t want to disappear,

I didn’t want you to.

You would not listen,

would you?

Before answering,

you were gone again the next time I opened my eyes.

STOP THIS!

Leave me,

or love me!

Choose!

I knew you were scared.

I knew we both were.

We were lost.

But we could find a way,

I know we would.

But it’s too late, isn’t it?

What are we?

We can stop pretending.

We can try.

What’s the hurt from trying?

We got nothing to lose.

Or did we?

Please,

stop this whatever we are doing!

Whatever we are now!

Be gone,

if you wish.

Don’t come back!

Don’t ever come back!

I’m begging you.

 

The Lion Fell in Love With The Lamb 2

Parfume. Checked. Hair. Brushed. Lipstick. Who am I kidding? Lip balm. Now we’re talking and yes applied! 

“Where do you think you’re going?” my roommate asked me in her shower rob and a wet towel hovering over her head.

“Um…” I was nervous so suddenly like I was about to ask permission to my mom to go on a date.

“Well, have fun with him! Be home before 12 and be safe!” she put her hands on her hips.

I laughed. “Yes, Mom!”

***

It was wrong to leave out my jacket. It was a cold night for an early summer day. I thought we were going on a public transportation, but instead we were on a motorcycle now. I should’ve never worn this stupid black polyester shirt! The wind blew hard on my face, but it was kind of refreshing. And it was not that cold because I could feel the heat from his body radiating through mine when I put my arms around his waist. It was nice.

The smell of newly cooked butter in the popcorn machine hit me the second I stepped into the theater. I love popcorn. I don’t just eat it in the movies, but I eat it literally every time. He bought us the tickets, popcorn, and drinks which I insisted on splitting the money.

“I’m the guy here,” he told me. “The guy pays. The girl enjoys and be happy.”

“Oh now you’re referring to gender equality? Like us girls can’t pay like when we couldn’t vote back in 1900’s?”

He laughed. It sounded warm to my ear and I felt so overwhelmingly hot. Why am I sweating in an air-conditioned room?

“No,” he pushed me softly to our seats. “I asked you out, so let me pay. If you ask me out, I’ll let you pay. Deal?”

“Fine!” I said with a pout on my lips.

He laughed again. Argh, he needs to stop making me so nervous and acting up like a little girl!

The movie was all blank to me. I didn’t pay attention to it. We talked a bit during the movie because I kept asking him what is happening, who is that person, which one is which. I told him I never watched Iron Man 1 and 2, apparently it was a big mistake to jump to the 3rd movie without knowing anything.

“I’m hungry,” he told me after we were already on our way home. “Let’s eat!”

He brought me to this comfy place and I ate a hot chicken porridge. It was surprisingly delicious and I didn’t realize that I was hungry too until I took my second big bite. We finished up and I didn’t want to leave. I know where we were going next, our own place. On the way back, I felt sudden tears and a pang of guilt. I know why it was. It was because of the secret I have been hiding from the first time he ever texted me, that there was another Lamb waiting for me tomorrow to be killed. I should’ve told him before, but it was too late to have this kind of conversation in a short amount of time. So I’d shut up and promised to myself that I would tell him next time. He drove me off to my dorm.

That night I couldn’t sleep, my feelings were all mixed up. I was happy, confused, angry, sad, and guilty. We can’t be together! We can’t! This is all wrong! We will never work out! I mean, it’s not like we are getting serious or something. But I am tired of playing games and hurting people. Wait, but I am still playing this game. I am hurting him and yes someone else at the same time. I am killing two helpless lambs in one bite. I can’t even be with them both. I need to change my game! NO, I NEED TO STOP THIS GAME! I have to choose! I have to stop!

“Tonight was fun, thank you so much.” I saw his text popped up on my screen.

“No, thank you! I really really had a great night.” My eyes were both watering. I sobbed without noticing. Apparently I was crying and my roommate woke up. I told her it was just a nightmare.

“Go back to sleep, we have to get up early tomorrow!” she replied, half asleep. “We need to go before lunch because everyone wants to have a picnic before the sunset.” then she rested her head back to her pillow.

“I know,” I mumbled. I didn’t want to go, but I had to. The other Lamb is waiting for me, for the Lion, to devour him into the great maw. Because apparently the Lion is hungry.

“Why don’t you sleep?” he texted me back

“I can’t,”

“Me too.”

I can’t do this anymore.

“I have to get up early,” he was still texting me and I didn’t want it to stop.

“Why?” I replied as quickly as I could. I was scared that he’d fall asleep.

“To get an errand.”

Stop, I know what he’s going to say!

“Wanna come?”

Geez!

“Sure,” I’ve lost myself to my hunger.

“Great! I’ll pick you up at 8. Now sleep!”

***

I am making the fucking biggest mistake in my entire life. the Lion is starving and nothing can stop her from eating these lambs. I left before my roommate woke up because I couldn’t let her see me turning into a monster when I’m playing this game. I left her a note saying, I’ll be back before the group assemble in the usual spot.

Once again, heat radiated through my body when I put my hands on his waist. I could get used to his familiar smell and warmth. But I can’t let myself. Not in a million years I will surrender. It is too late for submission, no turning back, no changing lanes. I have to finish it, kill the lambs, and start fresh. I’ve got their arteries, all I need to do is to rip them out.

Everything was a blur until I found myself standing in an almost empty room. It was dark because the door and all the windows were all shut down. He was there standing in front of me, giving me a quizzical look. I know, I must’ve been blanked out. One step closer to killing this one little and innocent lamb while the other one still has no idea he will about to be killed next.

Finish it now or you’ll be sorry! Says the Lion in my head. Kill this lamb! I took a step towards him but he was not moving. Why didn’t he run? RUN! This is too easy, play a little harder! RUN you idiot! RUN before it’s too late! Why is he staring at me? Why is he not asking me to leave? Kill him slowly!

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

“They are all out of town,” he answered obediently.

“So you’re all alone today?” I asked again taking a step forward.

He’s not moving! Move you little Lamb! It’s a trick! It’s a damn dead trap!

“Actually, since last night…” NO! He took the damn bait! Don’t be foolish! NO!

“Then, why didn’t you take me here last night? Weren’t you lonely?” I smiled. I am disgusted with myself.

“I did think of that actually,” YES, HE IS TRAPPED! roared the Lion in my head. Kill him! You have another one to kill! 

“Well, where is your room? Aren’t you going to give a flat tour?” I giggled. This is the final bait. DON’T FALL INTO THIS ONE! RUN, LAMB! RUN!

“It’s upstairs and all messy. Come on, I’ll give you a ‘tour’!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS LAMB? Can’t he see my paw is already on his heart? All I need is to rip it out. Please, run away!

The Lion is laughing inside my head. When he opened the door to his own death, the Lion roared vigorously and full of victory. Kill him! KILL HIM NOW!

I pulled him in and closed the door behind us. I jumped to his soon-to-be grave and he followed without my command. One of my claw has already pierced through his skin onto his heart.

I pulled his collars and yanked his body on top of me. I put my lips on his as soft as I could, but the Lion ordered for more. The Lion suddenly transferred me the most powerful strength that I could never resist. I kissed him harder and he kissed me back. The second claw is now following the first.

I didn’t know what I had done but his clothes were already torn apart into pieces on top of me. That was me, you fool! Now don’t stop until he’s dead! I let him took off mine and we both knew something terribly wrong was about to happen. He should’ve known that I’m a bad girl. He is such a sweet boy, who fell into my deep charms. I need to stop, but I can’t. The lion gives me too much power. If I stop, I’ll be the one who’s dead.

He kissed my neck and I knew right then that my third claw has already on his heart. STOP! I have to hold myself back! But it hurts…

In just another minute we were half naked on top of each other. Sweating, but full with joy. I am about to kill him. The Lion is being fed but still hungry. The fourth paw has already on its spot.

“I think I know what it is,” he said to me catching a breathe. It hit me back to my senses. I NEED TO STOP! DON’T KILL HIM!

“What?” I asked him panting to grasp some air and to keep myself away from the Lion.

“I think I love you,” he laid beside me while breathing so hard like he has just finished a Basketball match.

“No, you don’t.” I replied in a raspy voice. I am pushing away the Lion.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not good enough for you,” yes, that is what a girl like me would say.

“You are more than anything to me. What makes you think that?” He turned his body on me and shifted his wight on his right side.

I couldn’t look at him because I was letting the Lion kill me. I am going to let the Lion devour it’s own self instead.

“No, you can’t say that! Please…” It hurts.

“Why?” he looked hurt too. But trust me, I was about to be dead.

“Because there is someone else, okay?!” suddenly the Lion’s last claw was in his heart completely. NO! We are both going to die because of the Lion. Because of me!

“I know who he is,” he smiled but it appeared so weak to me and it made the Lion happy. “But you can’t be with him. You guys will never work out…”

“Yes, neither will us! We will never work out too,” I started to cry. The Lamb noticed. He wanted to wipe out my tears, but he was dying.

“I know,”

“I can’t fall in love with you,” I told him. Can he see my face? The Lion is dying too. “But I already am.”

The Lamb was silent. “I know you have to go somewhere right now,” the Lamb’s heart is just one pull away from its death. “But please, stay…”

Aw, it hurts so bad! The Lion is killing herself and the Lamb.

“I can’t. I’m sorry, I have to go…”

As I put my clothes back on and rushed to the door, the Lamb was already lying in a pool of his own blood. While the Lion tried to run away to kill the last Lamb ever before she’s dead eventually, somehow she knows that she’s not losing. She has won. She has won over the Lion on her head by killing the Lamb the she fell in love with.

She finally broke free from her own animal. She has won. She would never have play this stupid game anymore to feed the Lion’s hunger game ever. Now that the Lion is going to be dead, she can fall in love and settle for good.

Before the Lion ran into the woods, she looked back one more time. The Lamb was there still lying in his own blood, lifeless. Then I cried for the last time full with agony but relieved to be free. All she will remember is how the Lamb set her free with the love that she will never be able to pay back. I’ve loved you and I will always be thankful to you.