This world is round. You will eventually go back to your starting point if you just keep moving in the same direction.
I don’t know what makes me walk in a loop. Probably it’s just me, being so heartless yet considerate at the same time. I am deceiving myself right now, making me think that it is okay to be the one who breaks this one-way relationship. But at the same time, I can’t.
This relationship has been going on for as long as I can remember. But I can’t recall the last time I could feel those butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her. But there was a moment when I could a whole zoo inside me. Where do all the animals go now?
“We can’t always do this!” I say when she curls her lips after an argument. “I said I am sorry,” I say again for thousands of times.
“But you should not have been late,” she whimpers from the passenger seat next to me. “You know today is important for me.”
Today is one of her best friend’s wedding and she wants us to come early before anybody so that she can take a picture with her group of friends. But hey I am a dude, I only slept for a good five hours after watching a football match last night. But I don’t tell her that because she would only go even nuttier. I woke up to her 35 missed calls and 15 unread messages full of anger and disappointment.
“Baby, please…” how painful it is to call her that but deep inside I feel nothing. I feel sorry for her and myself. “We are only late like…10 minutes! Do we really have to argue like this is a big thing?”
“Yes,” she says still pouting.
I can only sigh. Somehow this has been going on for quite sometimes, but maybe this is what is called relationship. You can’t always go sweet and smooth for so long without a single argument in between.
This stupid argument goes on until night and when I can’t take it anymore I finally go home and let her deal with all of her own drama. Tonight, I am contemplating again to break up with her. This is the moment! Just tell her you don’t want to deal with her childish attitude. I throw myself on my bed and it makes a squeaking sound.
I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath. All of these thoughts start coming to my head. The questions I have always been asking to myself since the night we met.
I met her in class, we were classmates in college, but never been friends. I don’t remember having a crush on her, but I am not sure how we somehow got closer. I was a flirt back then. People told me, “Dude, it is not fair! You can flirt with girls and they will always fall for you easily.” they were all just spitballing, I thought. So when she came around, I tried to prove that it is not true what they said. I know I was a flirt, but I only do it with girls I wanted to date not just to random ones. But this time, it was my mistake to try and prove nothing to nobody and now I am trapped in this dead end.
I remembered it was fun, that is all. I don’t remember falling in love with her, until one day I asked myself “Why do I keep hitting on her though I am not in love?” but I was so angry to myself that I kept on going. I could see she was already falling for me and I know I could not just cut everything off for the reason that I was just playing with her because it was fun to do. I was a total jerk but never wanted to admit. So instead of hurting her, we finally dated.
No, I will not deny it. The first months of our relationship went smooth and just like any other newly dated couple. It was fresh and full of love. I started thinking, maybe I actually love her but just never wanted to admit it. We were once in a honeymoon phase, yes just like any other typical relationship.
As times went by, this doubt started to come and grew even stronger. Arguments started to be a part of our daily routine. Every little thing I do seems to be annoying for her. The longer this relationship goes, the more I become so vulnerable. All it needs to take is to say goodbye and that everything will be over. But I can’t! I have been waiting for her to be the one who ends it. But she never did! I have tried so many ways to make her feel like it is enough, but whenever it happens she has always been the one who fights for this relationship, for us to work out. What is it that she does not want me to go?! What is so special in me that she keeps fighting for this hopeless romance?! Why would she keep fighting for something I can’t give her?! Why did I even do this in the first place if I know I would only hurt her now?!
I squeeze my eyes tight. I can no longer do this! If I keep this relationship going, I will only hurt us more. I plead a little inside. All I can picture in my head is her face crying, full of anger, sadness, and disappointment. What should I say if she asks the reason why I am giving up this easy? She never cheated on me, I have never cheated on her. We are fine, at least until this point. But I can’t keep lying to myself, deceiving myself to force to love her even if I am not. Goddamn it! What should I do?!
The buzz from my phone snaps me out of the parallel world. I take it out from my pocket and I see her name on my phone screen. “Hey, I am sorry for acting so childish and annoying today. Have a good rest, I love you.” I contemplate to bring this up and make another argument. But those three last words…I can’t do this! I don’t want to hurt her, but I am hurting her at the same time. She thinks I am still in love with her, damn!
I need to go back to the night we met. I need to rummage some of the old memories to find my answer. To find the reason for letting go. To look for a single captured moment where it was love, not just a game. I need to go back to that night, the one we first met. Maybe I can find something, maybe it will be my answer.