How Not to Hate Your Life

“How not to hate your life”

Here are some tips how not to hate your life.

  1. Do the things that you love : Remember, this is very different with “love what you do” because it is forcing you to be happy when you are not. Everything is always bad when it is being forced. It is not hard to do what you love, just simply do what you want to do and you are basically going to be the happiest person. But before you make your decision, you get to think of the consequences. Everything has its own risk and it needs your full responsibilities. I am going to give an easy example if you love cheesy fries and you crave for them every day and for every meal, you have to think for yourself what will cheesy fries do to your health if you eat them 3x in a day. If you love singing and want to be a singer, you know tongues are the best judges of all. How criticism will affect your mental health. You have to think for the long term. I love writing. Of course, I have to think about the consequences, the responsibilities that I cannot get away from.
  2. Do what you are good at when it comes to making money : You know you are good at Graphic Design, you should make money from it. There are ways, maybe you should consider applying for a job as a Graphic Designer or you can make your own business over it. Yet, this can be challenging. Maybe there will come a day when you are so effed by looking at your computer screen, squinting your eyes to make a perfectly straight line, or making the most eye-catching brochure. Well, everybody will be there soon enough because that means you are just doing the right thing.
  3. Do / Be what your heart desires : If your heart tells you to be a clown, so be it, if your heart tells you to go to the mall so do it. Even though sometimes your heart wants something strange, follow it! Trust me you will feel accomplished and at least you are happy and on the right path. If you feel like exercising, go hit the gym, go on a jog, or whatever. But if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to. Nobody forces you to (unless you’re on a program).
  4. Find reasons why you are doing it : Now if you know what to do and to be, find your reasons why you should follow what your heart desire. If you want to resign from your current job, find your reasons why. If you think your job is not giving you what you need like challenges or enough salary that you deserve, then why not? You are worth more than that. Or if you want to break up with your significant other, find a reason why. Is it because he/she cheating on you and you don’t want to give them any last chance? Or maybe because you feel like you are in a destructive relationship that is going nowhere and you feel like you are just wasting time with him/her? Fine, end whatever that needs to be as long as you have the right reason why.
  5. Have enough rest : If you are having a very hectic week, schedule at least one day from your weekend to take a full day rest. Just do nothing and be lazy for a day, it won’t kill your brain cells and make you become stupid or unproductive. Wake up late, stay in your bed for 18 hours, call for a pizza delivery, binge watch Netflix all day, or read a very good novel, maybe you don’t even have to take a shower (at least brush your teeth).
  6. Go have a day / night out : Don’t lock yourself in the same places every day. Office – home – office – home. Take one day of your weekend to go out, have a nice lunch, go on a picnic, or go shopping, or maybe you can visit pubs on Friday night if you have already scheduled for a rest on Saturday, or you can go out for dinner in a cozy restaurant on a Wednesday night.
  7. Keep in touch with your old friends : Arrange for a meet up with some old friends, catch up what has been left, talk about those good old days.
  8. Go on a date with your so : Haven’t been in any fun and romantic activities with your so because of that loaded paperwork? Have a spontaneous date night. Maybe on Monday night, to ease the next four days, ask your so to go on a fancy dinner or movie date. You don’t have wait for a celebration to go fancy dining, there will always be something to be celebrated for, your relationship, your children, your job that you love, anything. Or you want to cook at home and make something special? Put on those scented candles, spice it up a bit in the bedroom after home-cooked fancy dinner, just forget that weekend is still a long way to go.
  9. Surround yourself with the people who are grateful for your well-being : That means those people need you and they love having you to be around them. Surround yourself with these kinds of people, you will appreciate yourself more then.
  10. Be grateful : God loves those who are grateful. Being grateful that means you are accepting whole heartedly of what God has given you. It is like giving someone a birthday present and seeing them happy and thankful, you feel like you want to give them more. So, don’t forget to be grateful.
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Hide!

Hide!

My instinct tells me to hide.

I am once again back in the orphanage, where I have spent all my life here. The only place that is giving me nightmares every night, the only place that gave me this bad insomnia. I have always been scared both to sleep and awake. But now, I am back. I know it’s just a place for hiding. I can still sneak around and run back to Fantasy world when the Minotaur has already gone. Will I ever be able to do so?

I have tried to hide and run away from here several years ago, but I kept failing until I gave up. Then when I had stopped trying, there was where I could finally disappear for good. It was the moment when I discovered the murky passage that led me to Fantasy world.

Creaak..

Someone is tip-toeing the wrong footing somewhere. I remember just well how one of the wooden tiles in this building, especially in several steps of the stairs, are not concrete that make squeaking sounds when someone steps on them.

I gasp.

Hide!

My instinct is yelling now. I look around the dark and humid room to find a small opening. I know where to hide! I run as quietly as I can but fast enough to reach the spandrel closet under the stairwell. This small closet has never been used or opened before. Because just like me, we are oblivious. I used to hide here when I didn’t want to be bothered. They never found me.

The small door does not seem so apparent, that’s why everyone doesn’t notice it that much. But somehow, for me the small stripes of ventilation on the wooden door are the most visible in this house.

I hook one of my fingers to one of the ventilation and tug the door out, making a small gap just for my body to get in. I have to fold my legs and hug them to my chest now. So, I’m taller now since I went missing? Because I still could sit straight the last time I hid here.

“Who’s there?”

Someone is whispering loudly from the bottom of the stairs, just meters away from where I’m breathing.

I cover my mouth with my hand to hide the sound of me who is suddenly panting.

“Is anyone there?”

The footstep is getting closer to where I hide.

No,

“Hello?”

He sounds scared. We both are.

“Please, come out!”

His voice is now right outside the spandrel door.

No!

“Are you in there?”

I can see his eyes wandering in the darkness.

They are so blue.

“Jill?”

I gasp. My tears suddenly appear. My heart suddenly thuds and then stops beating. My hands are cold, but sweats spurting out from my forehead.

He knows my name.

He knows where I hide.

Who is he?

I’m scared.

Where do I go now?

These I Have Loved

These I have loved;

Gooey yellowish thawed slime; the reeked stench of a cheese;

Brownish sometimes pitch black liquid; sizzling in a big coffee mug;

The twinging sensation from a pungent culinary; sweats of joy and satisfaction;

The purring sound from a ball of furs;

The rhythm of a piano and flute;

The petrichor of a heavy rain; freshly damped earth;

The sound of tranquility – in aesthetic forms of soul;

 

The smell of books; grayish white into moldy pages;

A group of impregnable people; humorous and loyal.

Love; friendship;

Memories from another time;

Life; Truth;

These I have loved.

Inspired by The Great Lover (1915) by Rupert Brooke

 

Everything and Nothing

The sound of thunder makes me shiver. The darkness inside makes me allay. The coldness all around makes me numb. Your presence makes me irate. I want to disappear. I want to go. I want to run away.

The room is starting to heat up without fire. The thunder has gone along with the dark. You are starting to fade away, but I become more concrete. One eventful moment as I am reaching for your hand but you’re not.

“Don’t go,” a laconic sentence that states the unspoken.

“Come here,” you are a lethal weapon that tries to deprive my existence.

“If I come near you,” I become a stone. “You will disappear.”

You are a lucid form of my dream. The best dream I have ever had.

“No,” you are lying. “I won’t go anywhere.”

“But you are not real,” I lower my head. “Not anymore.”

“Come!” you are masquerading as a motley creature. I don’t dare to touch you. But you are beautiful and I am hypnotized.

“Stop pretending!” I am half screaming in a nonchalant tune. You are stunned because of my sudden morose temper. “Go back to where you were!”

“But I’m here for you,” you look hurt. But I am hurt even more. I don’t want to waste another 8 years to just see you cease away again. But you came back out of the blue and I am scared now. “Reach my hand and come with me!” you want me to do something that does not even make sense. You don’t reach out your hand for me to take. What am I supposed to hold on to?

“What do you want?” a murky expression comes across my face.

“I want you to come with me,” you obviated the dark secret in you to allure me into a frenzy. “But I don’t want to be with you, too. But I loved you, maybe I still do.”

Such a paradox you tell me.

“I can’t go anywhere,” a reflection of his own pensive thought is pervading across my mind. “Not until you tell me what is your purpose to come back!”

You give me a slight peremptory pep talk, but then you stop.

“You are haunting me,” I start to tremble. “Three years and then another five years. You have always been haunting me, haven’t you? You love it to see me like this, don’t you?”

“What do you mean?” your feet are starting to touch the ground. I’m thinking you might be staying for good for a second, but I don’t want to conclude that fast. Because every damn time when I think of you might come back, I always get disappointed by my own paradigm.

“I am suffering!” I am screaming at the top of my lungs. I am standing in the zenith of mountains between us. “Can’t you see that?”

“Please, I want to feel the heat from your body because I’m so cold right now!” you are walking or more like floating towards me. “But your heat will kill me.”

“What exactly do you want?”

“I want nothing.”

“If you want me, say it!”

You are writhing in pain. “Stop!” you are in a great pain, but I don’t know where it is from.

“If you don’t want me, just go!”

“No!” you’re still clutching your temple. I hear sobs coming from you.

“I don’t mind waiting 8 more years just to find you coming back here in another form of ghost.” I am getting closer to you.

“Stay where you are!” You halt me with a gentle push.

“You want me to come, I’ll come!”

“Don’t come any closer!”

“You want me to leave, I’ll leave!”

You are angry. You are fighting with your own thoughts. I don’t care what they are.

“Just say it!” I demand. “Say what you want! Just say it!”

“I want everything and nothing at all,” you are crying but there are no tears on your face.

We are standing there, facing each other. One floating, one petrifying. One is a ghost, one is a stone. One is fluid, one is congealed. But we are both unsure for what might come next.

We will always be this way.

 

Tout Ce Que Je Te Demande

When you have a guy best friend, never expect one of you will not fall into the black magic that is called love. There is no friendship between a guy and a girl. No, there is no such thing. Yes, deny it all you want! She knows you don’t believe it. But please, trust her on this, she did not believe it too at first.

“So, how are you?” he asked. What is wrong with him? They were just talking to each other last night on the phone.

She sat there across from him. The food between them were starting to be cold. The salmon on her plate was awry cooked. She could tell by the pinkish color on the bottom. Talk to me! You’re just spitballing here and I want to know whatever it is that you are hiding! 

“Are you going to talk to me or not?” he asked again and this time he was staring deep into her eyes.

She shifted on her seat uneasily. “Yes,” she replied without looking directly at his face. “What are we going to talk about?”

“Anything you want,” he smiled knowing that she was still keen to respond.

You asked me out, therefore you are the one who needs to talk! Oh my God, he is such a buffoon!  She knew there was something insignificantly fishy when he asked her out for lunch. They are best friends or were, well she thought it was something more than that between them. She always has thought of that. Almost five years they were going nowhere. He treats her so well, like no best friend would treat each other. She feels like a princess whenever they are together. He teases her like a brother to his sister. He takes care of her like best friends. They fight like a couple. But none of those seems real for her right now. They were there, physically, like two strangers on a disastrous blind date. She knew she wouldn’t want to be there if it wasn’t because of her curiosity. Not only that, but it was because she cares.

“So, why are you taking me out?” she asked him with no suspicious tone in her voice. Like she already knew what will happen but still wants confirmation.

“What do you mean why?” he looked hurt. Well, he should be. “I just want to have a nice lunch with you. Is that wrong?”

Yes, it is wrong. You don’t usually ask me out for lunch, I mean just the two of us! We usually go with seven other people because you never want to be just the two of us! Why is that so wrong? Are you disgusted when people stare at us and think we are as a couple? Am I that disgraceful to you? I know I am not pretty like other girls you always have a crush on. Geez, are you going to give me a lecture about something? 

“No,” she replied after having a debate in her own head. “Not at all. It’s just…”

He bent over slightly.

“It’s just not you,” she giggled awkwardly. “It’s just unusual.”

He laughed, like really laughed. She stomped a little in her seat.

There was an awkward moment. He cleared his throat.

“So, who’s hitting on you at the moment? Come on, tell me about this guy…”

What was that supposed to mean? “No one,” she replied.

“You sure?” he teased her, but she is not up for a game right now.

There is nobody that can make me fall in love like you do. “I swear! To be honest,” she was itching from the words in the tip of her tongue. “No one deserves condign affection from me. They didn’t give me that comfort feeling, not like you do to me.”

There was another awkward silent again.

“Well, what about you?” she took control the whole situation. She is like a tigress, trying to pretend that she is strong but she is actually scared. “I mean, what about all that girls you used to tell me about?”

He moved uncomfortably in his seat. She knew he was hiding something. “I’m done with them.” he said plainly. But in his last tone, there was something else. His eyes were telling her that she should be ready for what’s coming next. “But there is someone,” he finally said after taking a long deep breath.

“Who?” she asked in agony.

“You don’t know, do you?” He smirked. What was that for?

She shook her head so very slow and he didn’t notice.

“You know her very well,” he mumbled with his head bowing so low. He played his fork in his left hand but he was staring at his half-eaten food. “She’s one of us.”

She tried to recall all the girl’s names in her group. Well, there were only five of them including her. Two are taken, it left her with two other girls. At first, she had this thought that it might be her. Maybe he was about to confess his feeling towards her. Really? She could feel a little joy in herself.

But this is all bogus! It can’t be me! But he is so nice to me today, and that is what makes it all so fishy. I mean, why would he wait until now to just say if he loves me? Why not years ago?

“She’s one the closest to you,” he suddenly said like knowing she was being too self-conscious.

The closest? It is you imbecile little moron! But I guess, it is supposed to be a girl then?! Wait… Oh my God…

“Since when?” she asked in a low voice. She almost screamed, she meant to. But her self-control wouldn’t let her and instead she whispered. A whimpering sound came within her.

He was contemplating at first, but told her everything. He found out that he likes her three years ago. He doesn’t explain how and why he likes her. He told her their little getaway to the most beautiful place and all. He also told her that she felt the same way, but she couldn’t tell her best own best friend because it might hurt her. Yes, it does hurt! All she could do was listening and nodding, smiling even. But inside her, there was a battle. A part of her wants to scream and run away, the other wants her to cry and explain everything to him. That she is still in love with him, she is still waiting for him, she is still hoping for a fairy tale ending, and most of all she still wants him.

“Are you okay?” he asked when she didn’t respond anymore.

she felt the tears prickled in the corner of her eyes. She stood up abruptly, her chair made a squeaking noise it makes him cringed. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she rushed to the back. Some people stared at her when she passed their tables.

Why her? Why not any other girl out there like before? Why my own best friend? I told her everything about him. I told her about this devastating date. I told her EVERYTHING. She was also the only one who encouraged me to come to him first. She was the one who kept supporting me to be with him. She told me I would be good for him! Why? Wasn’t she hurt to back me up to date her own lover? Why would she hurt herself for me?

She suddenly felt guilty, but why? It is her the one who’s hurting right now. It is her who is betrayed. It is her to suffer from all this cheap drama!

She went back to the table just to find him looking at her with a smile on his face. You are disgusting! “I’m going home,” she said taking her purse. She took out several bills from her purse and tossed them to the table in front of him.

“Wait,” he did the same and ran after her. “At least let me give you a ride.”

She kept walking.

“Please, wait!” he pulled her hand. She shirked away from his grasp and turned to face him.

“Go away!” she said. Her voice was trembling badly. “Go away before I start to scream!”

“Please, don’t do this!” he pleaded. His eyes were full with sorrow. But why? He is the evil! “I can’t lose you, please!”

The words slapped her right on her cheeks. “Why? So that you can still hurt me? Is it fun for you to watch me hurt? Is it some kind of an entertainment for you?”

“No, I don’t mean it like that!” He sighed. “Listen, you are my best friend! I don’t want to just end it like this. I still want us to hang out, to debate over silly things, to make fun of you until your face turns red like a tomato, to be with you when I need to tell all my problems. Don’t go!”

She laughed. Yes, it was funny! Funny how someone can say that when he doesn’t even love her and he loves someone else. “Ha!”

“Listen to me, buddy! If you want me to stay, you can’t be with her. But if you want to be with her, let me go!”

“I can’t,”

“You are one selfish little brat, aren’t you?” she narrowed her eyes. A frown formed on her face. “You have to choose! Because she is my best friend! I don’t want to hurt her,” she paused. “And I don’t to be hurt anymore.” she whispered still trying to hold on to her tears.

“Please,” he still went on begging her to stay. “I can’t lose you anymore. I know you are going to disappear after today. It is hard enough for me to let you go!”

“What about her? Don’t you care?”

“I’m not even going back to her,”

Liar. 

All I ask of you is just to choose,” she said softly. “I might disappear after today, but that is because I need some time. If you want to be with her, I am all happy for you both. My best friends are finally happy together. But I can’t let you to have us both. If you are my best friend, you have to let me go and be gone!”

He didn’t say anything.

She knew that was her time to go. No more of this. She’s had enough of this; of him, of life, of everything. She walked away thinking she will never fall in love again that easy. This makes her believe that a guy and a girl can never be best friend. She hates this world for being so unfair. But eventually, she will forgive but not forget. She has learned something and that is to never trust anyone but herself. She is moving on. She will, someday soon. She will be happy again. But for now, let her take sometime and grief. Before she gets back up and start everything fresh.

 

7/16/2016

I remembered that night.

The first time that we met,

you smiled at me,

my heart pulsated.

I remembered that day.

The first time we ever talked,

your voice was so gentle,

my body shimmered.

I remembered that morning.

The first time we laughed together,

your eyes shone so bright,

my head spun in circle.

It was a quixotic scheme,

that I will never erase.

One day you disappeared.

Where are you?

I need you!

Every time I kept saying goodbyes,

you wouldn’t let me.

You were there once again,

blocking my way.

I was trapped,

for the second time.

I was settled by your affection.

But you wouldn’t let me.

Then you were gone again.

I tried to run away.

You were suddenly right behind me,

pulling me into a deep trance.

I was in frenzy for the third time.

I pleaded.

I begged you to stay.

I didn’t want to disappear,

I didn’t want you to.

You would not listen,

would you?

Before answering,

you were gone again the next time I opened my eyes.

STOP THIS!

Leave me,

or love me!

Choose!

I knew you were scared.

I knew we both were.

We were lost.

But we could find a way,

I know we would.

But it’s too late, isn’t it?

What are we?

We can stop pretending.

We can try.

What’s the hurt from trying?

We got nothing to lose.

Or did we?

Please,

stop this whatever we are doing!

Whatever we are now!

Be gone,

if you wish.

Don’t come back!

Don’t ever come back!

I’m begging you.

 

The Lion Fell in Love With The Lamb 2

Parfume. Checked. Hair. Brushed. Lipstick. Who am I kidding? Lip balm. Now we’re talking and yes applied! 

“Where do you think you’re going?” my roommate asked me in her shower rob and a wet towel hovering over her head.

“Um…” I was nervous so suddenly like I was about to ask permission to my mom to go on a date.

“Well, have fun with him! Be home before 12 and be safe!” she put her hands on her hips.

I laughed. “Yes, Mom!”

***

It was wrong to leave out my jacket. It was a cold night for an early summer day. I thought we were going on a public transportation, but instead we were on a motorcycle now. I should’ve never worn this stupid black polyester shirt! The wind blew hard on my face, but it was kind of refreshing. And it was not that cold because I could feel the heat from his body radiating through mine when I put my arms around his waist. It was nice.

The smell of newly cooked butter in the popcorn machine hit me the second I stepped into the theater. I love popcorn. I don’t just eat it in the movies, but I eat it literally every time. He bought us the tickets, popcorn, and drinks which I insisted on splitting the money.

“I’m the guy here,” he told me. “The guy pays. The girl enjoys and be happy.”

“Oh now you’re referring to gender equality? Like us girls can’t pay like when we couldn’t vote back in 1900’s?”

He laughed. It sounded warm to my ear and I felt so overwhelmingly hot. Why am I sweating in an air-conditioned room?

“No,” he pushed me softly to our seats. “I asked you out, so let me pay. If you ask me out, I’ll let you pay. Deal?”

“Fine!” I said with a pout on my lips.

He laughed again. Argh, he needs to stop making me so nervous and acting up like a little girl!

The movie was all blank to me. I didn’t pay attention to it. We talked a bit during the movie because I kept asking him what is happening, who is that person, which one is which. I told him I never watched Iron Man 1 and 2, apparently it was a big mistake to jump to the 3rd movie without knowing anything.

“I’m hungry,” he told me after we were already on our way home. “Let’s eat!”

He brought me to this comfy place and I ate a hot chicken porridge. It was surprisingly delicious and I didn’t realize that I was hungry too until I took my second big bite. We finished up and I didn’t want to leave. I know where we were going next, our own place. On the way back, I felt sudden tears and a pang of guilt. I know why it was. It was because of the secret I have been hiding from the first time he ever texted me, that there was another Lamb waiting for me tomorrow to be killed. I should’ve told him before, but it was too late to have this kind of conversation in a short amount of time. So I’d shut up and promised to myself that I would tell him next time. He drove me off to my dorm.

That night I couldn’t sleep, my feelings were all mixed up. I was happy, confused, angry, sad, and guilty. We can’t be together! We can’t! This is all wrong! We will never work out! I mean, it’s not like we are getting serious or something. But I am tired of playing games and hurting people. Wait, but I am still playing this game. I am hurting him and yes someone else at the same time. I am killing two helpless lambs in one bite. I can’t even be with them both. I need to change my game! NO, I NEED TO STOP THIS GAME! I have to choose! I have to stop!

“Tonight was fun, thank you so much.” I saw his text popped up on my screen.

“No, thank you! I really really had a great night.” My eyes were both watering. I sobbed without noticing. Apparently I was crying and my roommate woke up. I told her it was just a nightmare.

“Go back to sleep, we have to get up early tomorrow!” she replied, half asleep. “We need to go before lunch because everyone wants to have a picnic before the sunset.” then she rested her head back to her pillow.

“I know,” I mumbled. I didn’t want to go, but I had to. The other Lamb is waiting for me, for the Lion, to devour him into the great maw. Because apparently the Lion is hungry.

“Why don’t you sleep?” he texted me back

“I can’t,”

“Me too.”

I can’t do this anymore.

“I have to get up early,” he was still texting me and I didn’t want it to stop.

“Why?” I replied as quickly as I could. I was scared that he’d fall asleep.

“To get an errand.”

Stop, I know what he’s going to say!

“Wanna come?”

Geez!

“Sure,” I’ve lost myself to my hunger.

“Great! I’ll pick you up at 8. Now sleep!”

***

I am making the fucking biggest mistake in my entire life. the Lion is starving and nothing can stop her from eating these lambs. I left before my roommate woke up because I couldn’t let her see me turning into a monster when I’m playing this game. I left her a note saying, I’ll be back before the group assemble in the usual spot.

Once again, heat radiated through my body when I put my hands on his waist. I could get used to his familiar smell and warmth. But I can’t let myself. Not in a million years I will surrender. It is too late for submission, no turning back, no changing lanes. I have to finish it, kill the lambs, and start fresh. I’ve got their arteries, all I need to do is to rip them out.

Everything was a blur until I found myself standing in an almost empty room. It was dark because the door and all the windows were all shut down. He was there standing in front of me, giving me a quizzical look. I know, I must’ve been blanked out. One step closer to killing this one little and innocent lamb while the other one still has no idea he will about to be killed next.

Finish it now or you’ll be sorry! Says the Lion in my head. Kill this lamb! I took a step towards him but he was not moving. Why didn’t he run? RUN! This is too easy, play a little harder! RUN you idiot! RUN before it’s too late! Why is he staring at me? Why is he not asking me to leave? Kill him slowly!

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

“They are all out of town,” he answered obediently.

“So you’re all alone today?” I asked again taking a step forward.

He’s not moving! Move you little Lamb! It’s a trick! It’s a damn dead trap!

“Actually, since last night…” NO! He took the damn bait! Don’t be foolish! NO!

“Then, why didn’t you take me here last night? Weren’t you lonely?” I smiled. I am disgusted with myself.

“I did think of that actually,” YES, HE IS TRAPPED! roared the Lion in my head. Kill him! You have another one to kill! 

“Well, where is your room? Aren’t you going to give a flat tour?” I giggled. This is the final bait. DON’T FALL INTO THIS ONE! RUN, LAMB! RUN!

“It’s upstairs and all messy. Come on, I’ll give you a ‘tour’!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS LAMB? Can’t he see my paw is already on his heart? All I need is to rip it out. Please, run away!

The Lion is laughing inside my head. When he opened the door to his own death, the Lion roared vigorously and full of victory. Kill him! KILL HIM NOW!

I pulled him in and closed the door behind us. I jumped to his soon-to-be grave and he followed without my command. One of my claw has already pierced through his skin onto his heart.

I pulled his collars and yanked his body on top of me. I put my lips on his as soft as I could, but the Lion ordered for more. The Lion suddenly transferred me the most powerful strength that I could never resist. I kissed him harder and he kissed me back. The second claw is now following the first.

I didn’t know what I had done but his clothes were already torn apart into pieces on top of me. That was me, you fool! Now don’t stop until he’s dead! I let him took off mine and we both knew something terribly wrong was about to happen. He should’ve known that I’m a bad girl. He is such a sweet boy, who fell into my deep charms. I need to stop, but I can’t. The lion gives me too much power. If I stop, I’ll be the one who’s dead.

He kissed my neck and I knew right then that my third claw has already on his heart. STOP! I have to hold myself back! But it hurts…

In just another minute we were half naked on top of each other. Sweating, but full with joy. I am about to kill him. The Lion is being fed but still hungry. The fourth paw has already on its spot.

“I think I know what it is,” he said to me catching a breathe. It hit me back to my senses. I NEED TO STOP! DON’T KILL HIM!

“What?” I asked him panting to grasp some air and to keep myself away from the Lion.

“I think I love you,” he laid beside me while breathing so hard like he has just finished a Basketball match.

“No, you don’t.” I replied in a raspy voice. I am pushing away the Lion.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not good enough for you,” yes, that is what a girl like me would say.

“You are more than anything to me. What makes you think that?” He turned his body on me and shifted his wight on his right side.

I couldn’t look at him because I was letting the Lion kill me. I am going to let the Lion devour it’s own self instead.

“No, you can’t say that! Please…” It hurts.

“Why?” he looked hurt too. But trust me, I was about to be dead.

“Because there is someone else, okay?!” suddenly the Lion’s last claw was in his heart completely. NO! We are both going to die because of the Lion. Because of me!

“I know who he is,” he smiled but it appeared so weak to me and it made the Lion happy. “But you can’t be with him. You guys will never work out…”

“Yes, neither will us! We will never work out too,” I started to cry. The Lamb noticed. He wanted to wipe out my tears, but he was dying.

“I know,”

“I can’t fall in love with you,” I told him. Can he see my face? The Lion is dying too. “But I already am.”

The Lamb was silent. “I know you have to go somewhere right now,” the Lamb’s heart is just one pull away from its death. “But please, stay…”

Aw, it hurts so bad! The Lion is killing herself and the Lamb.

“I can’t. I’m sorry, I have to go…”

As I put my clothes back on and rushed to the door, the Lamb was already lying in a pool of his own blood. While the Lion tried to run away to kill the last Lamb ever before she’s dead eventually, somehow she knows that she’s not losing. She has won. She has won over the Lion on her head by killing the Lamb the she fell in love with.

She finally broke free from her own animal. She has won. She would never have play this stupid game anymore to feed the Lion’s hunger game ever. Now that the Lion is going to be dead, she can fall in love and settle for good.

Before the Lion ran into the woods, she looked back one more time. The Lamb was there still lying in his own blood, lifeless. Then I cried for the last time full with agony but relieved to be free. All she will remember is how the Lamb set her free with the love that she will never be able to pay back. I’ve loved you and I will always be thankful to you.

The Lion Fell in Love With The Lamb

I am a wolf that obsessed with love. I like playing games when it comes to the matter of hearts. I am addicted to men and their affection. I am greedy for lust. I never stay for too long. I don’t  commit, I am as free as the wind. I walk away so easy and always leave trails. Breaking someone’s heart is what I do best. I ruin their lives before they do mine. I come and go. But a Lamb changed everything. The fictitious Wolf turned out to be a vicious Lion who likes to play with her food. One little and scared Lamb that will fall into a quarrel with the Lion’s hunger game. But the fracas between the Lamb and The Lion will turn into a fiasco. Will the Lamb fall into the Lion’s great maw? Or will them both die from a war they have to battle together in the end?

“He is staring at you,” my friend poked my back as she stood beside me.

I was staring at my phone in the downstairs lobby. I looked up to where he was standing. Gosh, look at him! I didn’t know that God can create such a perfect human being such as the one I am staring at. He wore a black shirt and the sleeves were rolled up to the biceps. I’m not sure why men are most attractive when they roll their sleeves up and show their perfectly toned biceps.

“Don’t stare back, you idiot!” my friend pushed me playfully. “And wipe out that drool!” she laughed a little bit too hard. Some students were staring but they continued walking without care.

“Shut up!” I told her but then walked away, hoping that he would not notice.

***

One dull evening, I was walking aimlessly waiting for a sudden lightning to struck me on the head, making a dramatic scene. I was almost jumping off of the bridge, which leads to my campus, from sheer ennui and I would be happy to do something chaotic. But instead, I ended up stopping in the campus lobby door. Well, I was all alone and had nothing to do so I stepped in trying to find someone I know to talk to. There was a good crowd in there. People handed out something, so I tried to get closer to one of them.

“Here, join us!” a girl came to me out of thin air and I was surprised. I was aiming the guy five steps ahead of me, but she suddenly was there right behind me. So I grabbed the pamphlet from her hand and tried to read it.

“It’s an exhibition,” she said before I could finish reading the first sentence of the title.

“Yeah, I can see that.” I replied. She didn’t catch my sarcasm and kept going on and on about the exhibition.

“Thank you,” I said when she stopped talking to take a breath. But I didn’t let her talk again before I fell into a deep sleep. “I would sign up there,” I told her when she put her best entreat expression. She is good, what is wrong with her? Maybe that is why they assign her in the PR team.

A girl in front of me scowled when I bumped into her. “I’m sorry,” I said with a vigorous grin. “Is this where you sign up for the exhibition?”

“Yes,” she didn’t return the chivalry I offered. “Please, don’t push!”

Geez, what is her problem?

I moved to the next line, which was apparently much faster.

I took the pen from the guy in front of me and started writing my name.

“So, you’re an epicurean?” the guy who sat before me asked.

“I’m sorry?” I looked up just to find him smiling with a funny look on his face. Urgh, he’s still here? I can’t breathe! Help I need my friend!

“Do you love gourmet and fancy delicacy?” He pointed to the pamphlet I was holding. Oooh, so this is a food exhibition!

“Yes, I love any kind of food especially expensive ones!”

He laughed. Why are my knees trembling and I’m about to faint? He still wore the same black shirt as this morning and he looked so exhausted.

“Well then you can write your name, student number, major and faculty, and phone number.”

“Yes, I’m about to.” What?

He laughed again.

“Okay, thank you!” I said too loud when I almost really fainted. Why is it so hot in here? Is the lobby on fire? Why all smoky? I got to get out of here!

He saw me leaving. I could feel a burning sensation in my back while he stared at me walking to the lobby door. I didn’t want to leave as much as he didn’t want me to. But, I had to before I went nuts.

***

The due date or deadline or whatever you call it of my paper is tomorrow, but instead I was putting on my faculty jersey to support my Basketball team on the tournament tonight. The opponent is our number one enemy, so the game will be a fervid one. I have to see it! All my friends have gone earlier to the court, so I have to walk or maybe run by myself. The game will be starting in 10 minutes and the distance from my dorm to the court takes 15 minutes at least. So, I started sprinting when someone caught up behind me.

“Run,” he shouted. “Run faster!”

He was already wearing his team’s jersey, the same as mine, with a big 9 in the front. Why 9? It’s not his birth month and day, and certainly not his age.

“Don’t wait for me, just go!” he shouted again. Well, I did run as fast as I could but I know he could easily ran past through me. But he jogged behind me and didn’t step up his pace.

We went to our own separate ways. I walked up to my seats where all my friends were waiting and he jogged down to his teammates. I couldn’t stop staring at him during the game. Alas, I didn’t really pay attention to the game and I was drawn to own little fantasy because of him. I couldn’t stop smiling and blushing. At the end of the game, my face was already as hot as a kettle pot and my lips were numb from smiling too long. At least we won!

***

My brain is shutting down at this late hour! It’s already 2 a.m and I’m still stuck at page 5. Three more to go, but it feels like forever to finish one simple paper about Syrian Refugees in Jordan. Yes, of course! I mean, I’m tired but I have to simply talk about how 520,000 Syrians are trying to survive in a stranger’s country or not that strange….

Drrrt…

I mean, they are not in their home country and they are in hiding. Or are they?

Drrrt…

What? Who can it be?

My phone vibrated next to my laptop. I wanted to ignore, but there was no name on the screen and I was up for a mystery when I’m stressed. Uuuh this could be a serial killer trying to warn me if I don’t go to sleep that he will kill me.

“Hey, you up?”

It’s a Whatsapp chat. Wait, is that really from him?

“What’s up?” I replied five minutes later. I was still not sure how I got his number or how he got mine.

“I thought you were asleep. Did I wake you?”

 “No,” I need to put an extra emoji. Do girls use emojis these days?

“What r u doing?”

“Attempting to finish my paper, why?”

“Nothing. Just checking.”

“Why r u still up? Aren’t you tired from the game?”

“I can’t sleep. Oh by the way, thank you for coming to the game!”

Yes, how could I not! You are the reason I was there, well not really but half of it. What should I say now?

“When is it due?”

Thank God he was being initiative for asking me again. I think he is asking my paper due date, isn’t he?

“In less then 8 hours,”

“Well, get back to it then.”

“I can’t, I’m stuck! Argh, I need to have a bit of fun!” I didn’t mean to complain to him, but I thought I was talking to myself and instead I typed it and sent it to him.

“Well, I’m free tomorrow night…”

Okay…

“Iron Man 3 is on. I’m dying to see it!”

Okay…

“Wanna go?”

There you go!

“Absolutely!”

“Great, I’ll come pick you up tomorrow. Say at 7? Because I have a meeting till 6.30.”

“Sounds like a feasible plan!”

“Okay then, finish your paper and I’ll see you soon!”

Screw this paper! I have a date tomorrow and I have to get a good night sleep!

7/14/2016

How funny it feels like when you are looking back to your past and see how much your life has changed over the years. I don’t see that girl anymore. The girl who used to haunt me. The girl with thick glasses and a tight Ballerina bun on top of her head. She’s never really gone from my life. She always there. Sometimes when I’m alone, or when the memories suddenly come back to me, I can feel her presence inside me. She is still there waiting to come out from her hiding.

I can’t barely even look at the old photos of the girl in my room. She doesn’t have much because she never appreciated what she had in her life worth captured. But it hurts me every time I realize that the girl was the same person as me. I still have her old belongings. Her over-sized sweaters and over dramatically thick jackets, her loose shirts which she bought from the boy’s section, leggings that have holes in them and Mom jeans. I still have her thick purple glasses which used to be her favorite. She wore them everyday to school but never on weekends. When I asked her, ‘Why are you wearing those glasses only at school?’ and she would reply, ‘Because I always look bad in the morning to go to school. My bed face will never fade at least until lunch. But if I take them off during lunch, my eyes will start to be blurry.’ Then she kept on wearing them for the past three years. She was proud on the thickness of her glasses. They were heavy and made her nose hurt at night. The thicker and bigger her glasses were, the better. When I asked why, she replied, ‘Because then the glasses will cover up half of my face. I feel invisible and it makes me feel comfortable.’

I was screaming for the past three years, ‘NO! NO! NO!’ I was in pain to hear that answer, ‘You can’t be comfortable when you draw back from the crowds! You have to be visible! Let everyone sees you, let them know you! You can’t live like this for the rest of your life!’

She didn’t. She disappeared. She’s been hiding in the place where people will no longer remember her. Everyone thinks she’s dead. Everyone assumes she never even existed in the first place. She is good at hiding or being invisible. She is now living in the moment called My Past. She is not dead, she did exist. She is still living inside me. Sometimes I can feel her taking control of my body, but it was just in a slight moment. I wanted her to get back out there again, let me take her hiding place, let’s switch again like before we went to high school. But she sometimes refuses, sometimes she just doesn’t want to hear me out.

That night, I was rummaging my old closet. Her clothes were all still there, taking most of my space. She had few, but it was the size that took up the space. I remembered that shopping for clothes was always her least favorite thing to do in the world. She would prefer to stay home and read fictions, or watch adventure movies while snacking her favorite chips. I asked her again, ‘Why do you hate shopping that much? Other girls love it, normal girls do it so often.’ She would answer in her raspy and weary voice, ‘Because girls buy things that fit them. Even they don’t need clothes that much, but they always look good wearing tight clothes. That is why normal girls shop. I’m not even normal. I don’t shop. Nothing fits in me.’

She was embarrassed to shop for clothes in boy’s section or pregnancy section without her mom. So, she usually let her mom do the shopping for her. But far too many times and for most of her girly clothes were a hand-down from her mom. She has this long flowery black dress that she loved so much. It was her mom’s. Her mom used to wear it in the early 1990’s during her three pregnancies. I was crying that night when I found the dress in my closet. This dress always looked ridiculous on her, it made her look old and……pregnant. But did she care? No. She felt beautiful in that dress. I tried it on for the first time ever after the girl was gone missing. The sleeveless dress kept sliding off of my shoulders. My lace bra popped out from the low V neck, showing me how she used to have enough breasts to be proud of. The dress covered up every less of my invisible curves. She could pull out the dress in her curves. She never agreed. She always called herself ‘fat’ ‘over-weight’ ‘plus plus size’ or ‘an obesity non-pregnant girl’.

She never loved herself. She always wanted to be beautiful like every other girl at school. But she didn’t even know what ‘beautiful’ means. She thought she did, beautiful means skinny. The more cheekbones and jaws appear around your face, the better. If your collar bones and ribs showed up in a tight dress, you are the most beautiful. The longer and thicker your hair is, you can conquer the world. More skin you show, more guys will ever fall into your beauty. More make up you put on, the sky will shine even brighter. The brand of your clothes take a huge part too. The more expensive, more popular you will be.

One night she cried in our room and talked to me.

“Why do guys have to be so mean to a girl like me? I know, I can’t fit in their girlfriend’s size. I know when I put on eye shadow and lipstick they will be calling me a clown. I know I can never wear mini skirts because they will be disgusted. I know it! I know what they think of me. I know that I am ugly, but do they have to be that mean?”

She sobbed. She meant it for a guy that she had a huge crush on. He was her classmate. He was not the most popular guy in school. He was the popular guy’s sidekick, never the hero. That what she likes about him. He stood out to be the helper, to be the number two (more to be the infinite number because he has tons of popular friends). He was the quite one in class, the geeky one, he was smart too. He was full of mystery. But he was also funny, because he tends to make silly expressions when he was lost in his own fantasy. He used to stare at the wall, blank-faced, and lips parted apart making a huge gap. He could stay like that for two hours. She always giggled finding him out in his trance.

He ignored her. He never talked to her, not even a single word. She never had the courage to talk to him first. But that day, she was assigned in a group of two with him and they had to share a book. He even barely wanted to come to the table next to her. When he did, he shoved away the chair and sit as far away as he could. She was hurt but didn’t show it. She nudged the edge of the book closer to him but away from her. He sat too far.

“Here, you can read it first.”

He stared at her for so long, but not in a sweet kind of way, but in a disbelief kind of way. When his friends started to tease him, he pushed the book back to her and never looked back at her. He stared at the blackboard in the front class the entire period and rushed out the door when he heard the bell started to ring.

The next day, she heard rumors that her crush was hitting on a freshman (they were seniors). Yes, she found out herself. He was staring at this tiny, cute, and princesslike girl in the far corner of the cafeteria. She was laughing with her group of friends, consisted of the most popular freshmen (of course). She wore a mini skirt and a mini t-shirt, were those her baby sister’s clothes? 

Well, this world is never fair. She went home crushed that day and swore to anyone she would never fall in love ever again. ‘Why does it hurt to fall in love? I thought falling in love is everyone’s favorite time period in life,’ and apparently not everyone’s.

‘I promise, I will never be that kind of girl. I will never fall in love with anyone. I will never try to be beautiful and to be skinny. I don’t want to change who I am. I am never going to fancy make up, expensive and mini clothing, or act dumb to get myself a guy.’ I smiled though I didn’t know why to hear her eagerly and so determined to accept who she was.

I kept rummaging her old clothes that night until I forgot everything about her.

But now, something hit me, so hard like a car crash. She is not hiding all this time. I made her to. I locked her up. It was me this whole time. I pushed her away. Or it can be worse, I might have even killed her. I am running to the nearest mirror in the house and I am going to study myself there for hours.

am her worst nightmare. I broke her promise. I have become the girl she never wanted.

am trying to be the girl that she always hated. I made her disappear. Now, she’s actually gone! I can’t find her inside me! I’ve killed her! I’ve killed myself!

am my own enemy…

 

Wrong Crowd

Guys, guys… I just want you to listen and sing along this song. Okay? I love this song so much and you guys are gonna love it too.

And my mother is standing beside me
As I’m packing my bags in the car
She says please boy no more fighting
Oh it’s only gonna do you harm

But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd

Ohhhhhhh my boy

And my brother is standing behind me
As I’m slowly going out my head
He says you know those people don’t like me
Why d’you wanna be one of them.

But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd

Ohhhhh I wish I could find somebody
That my mother would like
Oh I wish I can find somebody
That could treat me right

But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd