For You

Dear You,

I have noticed that since I took down the link to my blog from all my social media platforms, apparently somebody who lives in my country has been looking up for the link using the search engines. I don’t usually get readers using ‘search engines’ I mean you know what it means? Someone really typed down the link to my blog using google! And only several people know it…even my best friends sometimes still need me to send them the link or still go through my Instagram’s bio. It’s not like it would appear when you type down my full name on Google.

No, it’s okay… I am actually flattered you would go through Google just to find my blog and read it. I mean, that’s what my blog is for. To be read by other people.

I am an opened person, a Liberalist, and I don’t know either I’m a realist or Idealist because I apparently can be both. Anyway…

Some people closest to me will know that I usually write everything I feel at that moment on my blog. It can be in the form of poems, short story through a third person, or motivational writing. But wait, I don’t always write about my own feeling or experience, I also write about someone else’s. So, my readers would sometimes misinterpret them as ‘what the writer has gone through’. No, for the record you actually will have no idea whose story I am writing about.

Hey, you guys…

I don’t know what you guys are looking for in my blog, but you have been checking it several times these past few weeks. I am so fascinated by the work of WordPress because I can track my readers! God… can this digital era be anymore greater (or probably scarier) than it is today?!

Whoever you are, my best friend, or somebody who used to be someone special in my past, or someone that has a crush on me, or the guy that I have a crush on (hey, there… you, yeah you…give me a smile already!), or probably my crush that feels the same way about me (who knows that this feeling is mutual after all), or the person that hates me, or the person who feels threatened by my existence, or probably someone who just loves my writting (THANK YOU FOR READING… I appreciate it so much! I mean it…). I hope all my writings can inspire you, can help you and guide you through something, or I hope you can find a bit of information about my life that you keep missing out (because I have a reason why I don’t want you to keep up with it). At least, I know someone is reading my blog, am I right? Just so you know, I usually post on Thursday at random times, 4 Thursdays a month, so if you find the fifth Thursday in a month, please know I will probably not post anything. Or at least, I am trying to!

Hey, you…

Found what you have been looking for?

 

 

 

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Introvert => Extrovert

When a group of people can turn an introvert into an extrovert… it is such an extraordinary thing.

I have been an introvert all my life and probably I always will. I am not really good at talking to other human beings, but I am good with cats (that is an extra credit for me). I don’t fit in anywhere, even when I am trying to. I don’t hate changes, I am scared. Afraid of being rejected by the new environment. I am that kid who doesn’t stand out, sitting as far away from the center, and as quiet as a statue. I show up and then gone. I am terrified when people notice me because then they will start to judge me.

When I am faced with a new scope of various types of people, I did what I do best, trying to be invisible. I thought I was still good at it, but these people I just met a week ago changed a whole new perspective in me.

A year ago, I only have a handful of friends that I can talk to, but not open up to. I don’t feel comfortable letting out the beast in me because I know some of them would not accept it when I steal the spotlight from them, so I listen and listen and in the end, I drew myself back from everyone slowly. In a new year, I have this huge opportunity to start everything fresh. Living back home with a new me, a totally different experience, and unexplored society.

I am not going to lie, the first thing that came up in my mind when I looked around the campus was that ‘I am not going to fit in with anybody here! Let’s just have 3-4 friends and then leave!’ I am a very judgemental person (though I hate to be judged as well). I met three people that surprisingly I am attached to easily. They are the sweetest and I am so grateful that I got to know them soon enough.

Then this outbound activity due on Tuesday and I was assigned to a group of 22 people that I had no idea who they were (but one of them is already a bestie to me so I am so so so ever thankful and relieved that I would not be as lost as I thought). Several days before the outbound, everyone had already gathered up with their own groups and mine was like, ‘Let’s meet up tomorrow’ until it was already two days before the departure.

So, we gathered up in a small square table outside the campus. Yeah, I was trying to tell myself, ‘shut up and listen’ and so I did. We introduced ourselves one by one, like names and what’s one thing that is unique about us. ‘Geez, these people have no idea how VERY ordinary my life is!’ so I only told them about this scorch in my left hand. One person said he looks like a Chinese but he does not have a Chinese heredity in his blood. One person is half Arabian, which is totally apparent. One person said about having chubby cheeks. One person said having dimples is unique, which I totally agree. Two are musicians and they are SOOO amazing. With other unique things like having beards and mustaches, scars, living in a forest, and other things that I probably don’t remember.

They were nice to me, thank God. Then the group chat started to be crowded, we followed each other on social media, and we talked or more like chatting. Some people have surprising mutual friends and alma maters. I still can’t explain it, but I started to be more comfortable around them and it was a very fast process. The hardest thing for me to do is feeling comfortable around new people. But, I somehow forgot about that weakness when I am with them.

On Tuesday, the day of the outbound, we agreed to wear black attire. We showed up looking all cool and macho…and very cohesive. I could not help myself not to smile and to feel proud. “Probably this group is not as bad as I thought”. We laughed and talked loudly while waiting for the bus to come. From day one, I already feel like I am a whole new person. I couldn’t control my brain, I kept blurting out all the absurd things I could think of. That was embarrassing! But in an utter shock to me, not a single person in my group think I was a weirdo. Maybe they think I am a weirdo and I just don’t know, but they let me become who I am. I have never really been this comfortable around new people so fast in my life. And I think I like it to be who I am now.

Day 1

We got off the bus and we went directly to form a line in the middle of an opened field. The instructor was from the military based and he was mean! He commanded us to lay down on the hard and pebbly asphalt out of the blue and started yelling. He took our phone and money away for 3 days, some of us had no chance to say goodbye to their relatives. Me? Nah, nobody would even bother wondering where I was. Because again, I am just too good to be invisible.

I don’t know how it all happened but my group, we already are best friends. I mean, we just met once before that day and I wasn’t even sure I remembered all of their names yet. But what I did all day was just acting like a crazy person, making senseless jokes, and saying unfiltered slangs. But they were still being nice and I don’t know, they accepted me to be who I am just like that! Day one, we were busy standing straight like we were in a military force and mostly just bonding. We became even closer once again, I became even wilder. We discussed the whole night about our group project that has been assigned to us. To be honest, I had no clue what to say because my brain was a total nitwit when the clock starts hitting 10 pm. So, while feeling so bad and ashamed I did not say a word to help out on the group project, all I did was trying to force my eyes open and to nod my head when someone purposed an idea. Later on, I took the first shift for a  night watch in the girl’s barrack until 1 AM with one of the members and my head was going to calcify like a time bomb, but I managed to stay conscious.

Day 2

We have already gathered in the main field at 5 am. Even the sun was still asleep! We all did a little jogging, a little push-up, and morning exercise. After breakfast, we walked several miles (not sure how far, but it was a long and exhausting walk. I stumbled for far too many times because I have two left feet and I hate it when my clumsiness kicked in, I needed to look tough in front my team!).

We did climbings, crossing from one cliff to another using only a single rope as the bridge, walking down a very muddy cliff and then climbing back up with only using a rope as safety. Too many hurdles and I almost gave up in the middle of the day, but I kept screaming to myself inside my head ‘Don’t you dare give up on yourself now! You’re not the same coward as you were a year ago!’  and I finished all the four challenging games (though there were some embarrassing moments of me and also fro other members LOL in one or two, at least we did not give up!).

The whole group did a very good job and I think my group has the strongest bond among other groups! I am super proud!

Day 3

We wrapped up the last day with boring group presentations that felt like an eternity. But we all survived those 3 rough days pretty fine!

So here is the thing, an introvert can also become an extrovert. Not necessarily for good, but sometimes a group of people can make the best out of an introvert. It all depends on who introverts spend the time with. I still can become the introvert of me when I am in class or anywhere I am really but when I am with this 21 people I newly met a week ago, I became my true self that I never realized was there in the first place. Like I was a whole new person! It is surprising, but I don’t know it also feels kind of relieving. It is like I have been holding my breath all these years and I can finally let it out. But outside this group, I will still be an introvert and will always be.

So, I want to do a shout out for these 21 people. Thank you so much to Tama, Adi, Derin, Ina, Devy, Feby, Fikia, Frank, Galang, Iqbal, Maya, Aji, Basra, Ira, Oldy, Restu, Sekar, Silvana, Taufiq, Zharfan (though you could not come during the outbound you contributed so much without you we would not be able to finish our group flag and chest numbers), and Zimam. You guys are amazing! Such gentlemen, because all the dudes in this group kept looking out after all the girl members and the girls are very caring to one another! Thank you so much group 1 (UNO!)  for making me feel like I am finally accepted after so long. I am so proud of us! I love my new family and I hope we can always stay close until we all graduate! See you guys on top!

INTJ => INFJ

Shifting from an INTJ into INFJ.

If change is the only constant thing, then adapting is also the one who comes with it. But as hard as facing constant changes, adapting is not easy. If it is, there will be no ‘culture shock’. Imagine that the culture shock does not happen in a new place you live in, but it happens inside you, literally. It’s not about the shifting process, it’s because I am overwhelmed with the sudden change that I have in me now. I am now an INFJ. But somewhere deep inside I still can feel the old INTJ of me reacting to so many things I am dealing with.


Both personalities are in the category of ‘rare’, especially INTJ regarding I am a woman, while INFJ is the rarest among other personalities. But the most significant change in my life is the way I see everything and how I make my decisions. I never really thought about it before, but when I was still an INTJ, I was more of a thinker. I used logic and what makes sense to me regardless others opinion. But now I tend to do what my heart tells me to and sometimes, if not most of the time, doesn’t make sense. I feel weaker. I can’t handle stress and great pressures as it will affect my health. It is weird, isn’t it? 


It is like I have two personalities and able to switch to whichever, whenever I want to. It sounds scary and strange. Although the difference is only on the Extraverted Feeling (INFJ) and Extraverted Thinking (INTJ), it is obvious that I have changed into a whole new person. This is what I believe now; people do change. It might happen because of the people you hang around with, the new environment you’re living in, your age, and even society. It can impact you and the way you see yourself and everything around you.


Both INTJ and INFJ are Introvert and Intuitive. The main difference is that INTJ is more of an Antagonist and INFJ is more of a Protagonist. Can you imagine how that affects my life? From being someone so tough, mean, and heartless into a weak, selfless, and sensitive person. I remember thinking how I hated this kind of self, I am just too weak to defend myself, and just too stupid for using feelings more rather than my brain. I promised to never give myself up and turn into who I am now. But a lot has changed me and it was an inevitable process.


Environment took the role in changing me. After I graduated, the environment around me adjusted itself like it revolved on its own. The next thing I knew, I was already a different person. What do you think about the difference between an INFJ and an INTJ? “Oh nothing much, it’s just that sometimes I can be so touchy and I cry more now, then I will fall ill whenever I cry too much.” I wish I could say that all the time to get free passes in life being one of the weakest personalities in all of humanity. But, nah, that is called complaining and I believe INFJ never complains.
Anyway, INFJ as you can see is very sensitive because they tend to use their hearts to think and to make decisions. INTJ on the other hand, uses logic. When they need to take action, they don’t see the effect they made to other people as long as they are doing what they want to do. Sometimes INTJ can be considered selfish.

But INFJ is across the road. They think before they act. “What will happen to this person if I do this?” “Will he be hurt if I do this?” “Will he be happy if I do that?” it is like, INFJ lives to serve other people, to please other people. For an INTJ, “F*ck that, I won’t do it just to please you!” so, can you imagine how many degrees I have to turn myself around?


Thankfully, I am not alone! There are people out there who are struggling with this kind of thing as well. I have a friend, who had to deal with the same shifting process in a hard way. I am considered lucky because I already have someone to look up to and ask for advice. He suggested that I take it slowly and try not to be overwhelmed by the process. 

Here is what I have learned from the changing process: tolerance. Being a little bit more sensitive gives you some perks too. It makes you become more tolerant to other people and it appears nurturing to them which appeals nicely. People only want to be understood. It is like that is why God created INFJ people, to understand other people. INFJ is like having this superpower to comfort other people, which to be blunt, is really tiring. Creating a smile in someone else’s face always drains out the energy, but it will always worth the effort. 

All INFJ needs is isolating themselves to recharge her/himself before heading out and giving away wise advises that sometimes, if not most of the time, they need for their own. Funny, isn’t it? INFJ does not need anybody to make them feel better. The only person that can push them are themselves and other fellow INFJ. Because you know why? We have a strong bond between one another and the ones who could understand each other. I was surprised how quickly I can connect to my other INFJ peers even though I have only known them for several days. That can be one of the perks too. INFJ can connect to so many people, yet people cannot do the other way around. It is like a one way connection, which seems unfair but it is enough for INFJ to make friends.

The changing process is not bad and I can finally embrace my inner INFJ. It is hard to let go of the INTJ in me completely because it will always be in my blood. But I am grateful that I am included in the rarest personality as there is only a handful of us in this world. This humanity needs more INFJ people. This humanity needs me.

What Really Makes Your Life Miserable

You are having a severe disease, you are sick all the time but you have been taking your medicine everyday that you thought was healing you, but your health gets worse. You think that there is something wrong with your immune so you keep blaming yourself for every worst case.

What do you think is wrong? Have you ever really considered thinking that maybe the medicine is empowering the disease? Have you checked? If you have and you knew all along that the medicine is not good for you and is killing you but you keep consuming the pills because you believe that maybe it will heal you somehow and because you are already too dependent on it. You must stop taking the medicine!
It goes the same with your life. You know exactly what makes your life full of anxious, stress, and doubts. Because you keep surrounding yourself with toxic people. You keep them around you and you think they might change and make your life worth living. But the truth is, the longer you hang around them, the uglier your life will get. Stop thinking that you can be happy with them just because you are scared of letting them go. Some bad people will always stay bad until they have their lesson.
The only thing that can save you is yourself. You have to realize when it is time to walk out of their lives. Appreciate yourself for your own happiness. Always make sure that you come first, never put anyone else above you! Be selfish for sometimes. Stop taking that medicine, those toxic pills. Walk out and be happy! You deserve a happy life, even without anybody involved.

Happiness is a State of Mind

Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy and you can also choose not to. It depends on you because happiness is just a state of mind like any other emotions. They are all inside your head. You can either embrace or ignore. It really is up to you.

If you are trying to be happy but there are things that stop your mind from reaching out the happiness, here are the things you should consider doing in order to be completely happy.
1. Distance yourself from toxic people. Toxic people do not always have to be negative people who are so pessimistic all the time. Toxic people are the ones who stop you from thinking that you are worth to be happy. People who stop you from doing things that you want. People who turn you into someone else and forget who you really are. Toxic people are those who create constant pain, hate, and who triggers you to hold grudges.
2. Do what you really want. I know it is not as easy as it sounds. If your heart desires bigger things like ‘earn ten million in two hours’ maybe it is not what you really want. You can do what you want from a single craving like if you want to eat a piece of chocolate cake, eat it! Don’t too over think about your diet, as long as your mental health is stable and you are happy, you will live one day longer.
3. Always try to see the positives among the negatives. Everything happens for a reason. If it is bad, it’s bad. If it’s good, it’s good. Maybe not everything bad that happens to you means you are doing wrong, it can mean anything else. Try seeing the good over the bad. If you are working in a shitty office, doing a crappy job, and you can’t hate going there less than anything, you have to try and see the positive. Maybe you are being tested by God, how long you can take the pressure and you have to prove God that you are strong enough not to give up easily. Maybe after you take off from there, you will have a strong will to pursue a more challenging experience. You will be stronger mentally or anything really.
4. Stop hating people. Nobody is perfect, no. Not even those you hate. As much as you think they are living a good life, having the most perfect body, I believe that is not all. You don’t know the story behind their perfect pictures. God is fair, just so you know that. Have a bit compassion too.
5. Forgive and Forget. The past belongs in the past. Learn from it, not live in it. Sometimes people will forgive but still can’t forget. Hos do you forget it? Focus on yourself, for the future.
6. Be grateful. What else can I say? If you feel like you don’t have enough, but actually you have more than enough, you won’t be happy at all. Try to be grateful for what you have and think that you are lucky enough to have what everyone wishes they had.

He

He grips the steering wheel so hard until his palms are all white and pale. He is driving with a blind mind and no directions. The road is still wet and so does his car. Most people hate a rainy Saturday because it could ruin their weekend plans, not him. At least not today, not even a storm can stop him from seeing her.

She was so pretty today, as always. Her smile is so addictive. It was so hard to avoid her, to forget about her existence, and to pretend that she never existed. Dang, it was because of that day when he finally met her again on their friend’s graduation. It was then when it all started again, like something triggered inside his chest to remember the pain she used to create.
They have all the fun he had almost forgotten. Just the two of them walking around the mall, watching a movie while sharing popcorn, and a pretty nice lunch and top it with a semi-romantic dinner. It has been so long since they went on a date, it has been years since they had separate ways with other people. Once again, he felt that regret of giving up on her so fast. It was the hardest thing to do, letting go of the person that worth five years of waiting.
He is sitting quietly inside his car, still not letting go of the steering wheel. He sighs. Despite today’s date and the rain, he is not sure about his own feeling. The flash of images come right into his mind. Those two beautiful dark eyes staring into his, her small round nose that would widen whenever she moves her jaw, her soft voice that would melt any guy’s heart, and those fine thin lips that are so soft and tempting. He could not stop thinking about kissing those lips all day. With the post-raining kind of scene, with a slow song from the radio, and a deep conversation he could not resist breaking a promise and ruining someone else’s life that he had forgotten all day.

It is weird that he feels happy, angry, guilty, lost, and there is something else inside him that is screaming… another regret. Today was a mistake, he knew all along. It was something that he should have been avoided. But she made him ignore all the possibilities of losing someone precious. It was an inevitable sin that any human cannot deny, a mistake that everyone would make at least once in their life time. Because true love can be blinded by a single smile and a pretty face. Even when he knows that someone else’s life was at stake. A human being can be a deadly weapon to kill another human being. Love is nothing but a paradigm.

I

I, a person who hates crowds but scared of being lonely. I, a female who does not believe in love but is always in need of a male’s affection. I, an independent woman but is clingy over a man’s excessive indulgence. I, the kind of partner who gives freedom but also scared of getting hurt and betrayal. I, such a complicated creature. It drives people crazy. It pushes them away.

The rain always makes everything worse especially when RY X songs are playing in the background. It is such a dark muse. I am staring into space, it makes my eyes hurt because of the cold wind that blows through my open window and stings them whenever I forget to blink. I have been sitting in my bed since this morning with my phone next to my feet. A rainy Saturday is so bad for my mood, especially when I have no plan to be out there playing under the water drops. I have tried to ask some people out, but they are not like me. I do not grow in a forest full of other trees. I am like the rare Encephalartos Woodii, it always needs a mate. But where is my mate right at this moment, when I really need him the most? I need him to pull me away before I fall deeper into this dark deep hole that I am already in. My phone screen is still a pitch black, cold concrete plastic, and as dead as the wish for a rescue. Dang, the rain is not only falling from the sky. Now the rain is inside my two red blotched eyes.
The sky turns dark far too quickly. I have not yet left my bed. Even when the land is already dry my eyes are still watering. The windows are still in the same spot. The storm could not even move them. The phone screen is never alive, and the hope of a dim light has faded away along the rain. Waiting for someone who will never come to rescue me is like a long highway without no turns and no stop. I keep driving until the car is dead on its own until it runs out of fuel. I have been repelling the urge to reach him first, but the rejection is what haunts me and it always has been on every Saturday with or without rain. I am only pleading. Wondering where he might be.

Two Dry Martinis & Empire State Building

I have a dry martini in my left hand, waiting for me to sip another from the glass. A cigarette in my right hand that I have left burning for a while. I have the best view of New York City on a Friday night after a long day of work. My make up is full on, I retouched it before leaving my office. I put on a smokey look with a deep red matte lip. I bought the sexiest black bodycon dress from Barneys last weekend, I even did a full diet plus extra workout sessions for a full month. Every men and woman in this bar are looking at me head to toe, some feeling jealous yet some full of lust. I ignore them all.

I have made a reservation long before this night was even planned out and asked for the best seat with the best view. Empire State Building rises right above my head. Jazz music is playing in the back.
It is 8.46 pm. I came here one hour earlier than the promised time. He is always on time, probably several minutes late because of the traffic. I check on my phone and he is already late for 13 minutes. I am starting to be agitated. I light up another cigarette and sip on my dry martini that is not strong enough for my anxious right now. I should have just ordered for Rum or Vodka.
“Sorry, I’m late.”
“You look good,” he says.
I ignore him and adjust my body to a straighter posture making it obvious that this is an important meeting. I let him order for a drink and ask him about his day. He would talk about it enthusiastically to let me know how proud he is about his job and I would be listening wholeheartedly. Yet it feels so different right now. He does not look me in the eyes the whole time until his own dry martini comes. I in the other hand don’t even listen half of his words. It trails off along the saxophone in the background.
This place is very special for us because everything started here. That is why I chose it to be the place for tonight.
“Where is this all going?”
He knows what I am referring to and he just sighs.
“How many times do I have to tell you that we will be there someday. Just wait.”
“How long do I have to be patient?”
“You know I want it too,” he has not sipped the drink but I can smell alcohol on his breath. “But you know it is not easy to plan out everything.”
“Do you want it or do you wish you want it too?”
“What are you talking about?”
I sip another. “Do you really want it to happen?”
He nods and he finally sips his drink.
“With me or with her?” I shove a brown envelope under his hand on the table. He opens it and looks through the pictures inside.
“How do you get these?” his gives me a reaction just like any other guys I used to date whenever this night happens.
“I am good at playing this game” I put on several bills on the table and weights them with my empty glass so the wind won’t take them away. “This is where we started and this is where we ended.”
I stand up and walk away with no tears. Suddenly the music has stopped, the Empire State is gone dark, and the whole city falls asleep at last.

Someone Better or Nothing at All

Have you ever experienced losing your loved ones? I have. I lost one of my older sisters to an accident and I was old enough to suffer from a great condolence. Some people lost their families when they were still an infant. Does the feeling still consider the same? But they won’t suffer as much because they barely knew the people who leave them behind. There were five, now it becomes just the four of us. We lost the middle child, the barrier between the rulers and the followers, and she was always the wisest among all of us. I was supposed to be the rebel in the house, but she always reminded me that I have to be a good example for the youngest brother. If I kept acting reckless, who would watch him when I was the only person left in the house.

Two of our oldest siblings had already been married and she was one step closer to graduation and leaving me in charge of becoming the oldest child. Yes, she did leave me in charge but why did she have to leave me so far away and a little bit too soon? She did not say she would leave for good! It’s no fair that nobody knew.
But with her leaving all of us, it taught the four of us to be more grateful for each other’s company. She brought us closer and she made us understand truely about the love of a family. We become more giving to one another and I can feel the presence of God among us whenever we are together during Christmas. God brings her along on this special day and we become whole again every once in a year.
I become more responsible with my actions. When I was still naive, I used to be so mad to everyone all the time. But she taught me how to forgive and to accept fate. People are still hurting me from every corner of my life, but then I will always remember the smile on her face. I thought I would cope in sadness for too long and that my life would be ruined. But look at me now…by accepting fate and forgiving all the guilts in this world I am standing still and tall in places I thought I would never be, receiving achievements that I thought was just for people who have not through enough pains to get there, and my life goals are crossed out one by one.
The lost of someone you love can be two things, I know it is an ugly experience and a deathly pain, but you can be either someone better or nothing at all. When you lost someone important in your life, God is teaching you to be ready for anything at all whether you like it or not.