The Least You Could Do


It was darker that night

The night that you did me wrong

Yeah, the stars weren’t too bright

And our hearts weren’t too strong

So tell me i’m alone now

Tell me you don’t want me

Tell me to give up now

Unless you want to see me bleed

Oh, the least you could do

Is help me get over you

Oh I hate that you did it

And it hurts that you wanted to

But don’t try to protect me

When your words just won’t be the truth

Rather tell me i’m alone now

Tell me you don’t want me

And don’t you dare say that you’re in love now

Unless you wanna see me bleed

Oh, the least you could do Is help me get over you

Don’t be so selfish

Don’t be so selfish

Stop being so selfish

Just help me out

Say you’ll always love me

Say I need to know

That you won’t forget me

So I can let this go…

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A Constellation

“I have never seen a constellation this beautiful.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, in fact, I have never seen any constellation before in my life.”

I never leave my eyes from the full moon in the night sky, but I know that he is smiling beside me.

“Welcome to my world,” he says with his eyes never leave me.

“Your world is breathtaking!” I say with a smile. “I want to stay.”

“Stay as long as you like.”

My smile fades. “I grew up in big cities,” I say lowering my eyelids. “I could only dream this moment.”

“How many cities?”

“Four,” I say with a little regret in my heart for moving so much. “One of them is full of skyscrapers and the rest does not have much.”

“Hmm,” he responds in mumble.

“There was a day I wished the city would just turn off all the lights, shut down all the sounds, and stop every moving thing,” I say opening up my eyes even wider.

“Why?”

“So that everyone can enjoy a clear night sky, even though with only a slight moonlight appears from the back of black clouds.” I shift my body to the right and face him. “Do you want to know my world?”

He nods. “But only for a few second, perhaps.”

“Why?” I frown and hurt a little.

He moves his head a little to catch my eyes. “I only want to peek a little of where you come from. Like you said, it is not as pretty as my world.”

I lay back down. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“When we come back,” he moves closer to me. “Will you stay here with me forever?”

I blink several times. I am in shock but I don’t want to show it. I am happy when he says ‘forever’ but I also want to keep the happiness for myself. “With you and all of this?” as I say pointing to the sky that is full of white dots. “Yes, of course! But with one condition!”

“What is that?”

I smile. “Don’t let anybody else see our world.”

He smiles. “I promise,” he takes my hand. “It is just going to be you and me. Forever.”

He

He grips the steering wheel so hard until his palms are all white and pale. He is driving with a blind mind and no directions. The road is still wet and so does his car. Most people hate a rainy Saturday because it could ruin their weekend plans, not him. At least not today, not even a storm can stop him from seeing her.

She was so pretty today, as always. Her smile is so addictive. It was so hard to avoid her, to forget about her existence, and to pretend that she never existed. Dang, it was because of that day when he finally met her again on their friend’s graduation. It was then when it all started again, like something triggered inside his chest to remember the pain she used to create.
They have all the fun he had almost forgotten. Just the two of them walking around the mall, watching a movie while sharing popcorn, and a pretty nice lunch and top it with a semi-romantic dinner. It has been so long since they went on a date, it has been years since they had separate ways with other people. Once again, he felt that regret of giving up on her so fast. It was the hardest thing to do, letting go of the person that worth five years of waiting.
He is sitting quietly inside his car, still not letting go of the steering wheel. He sighs. Despite today’s date and the rain, he is not sure about his own feeling. The flash of images come right into his mind. Those two beautiful dark eyes staring into his, her small round nose that would widen whenever she moves her jaw, her soft voice that would melt any guy’s heart, and those fine thin lips that are so soft and tempting. He could not stop thinking about kissing those lips all day. With the post-raining kind of scene, with a slow song from the radio, and a deep conversation he could not resist breaking a promise and ruining someone else’s life that he had forgotten all day.

It is weird that he feels happy, angry, guilty, lost, and there is something else inside him that is screaming… another regret. Today was a mistake, he knew all along. It was something that he should have been avoided. But she made him ignore all the possibilities of losing someone precious. It was an inevitable sin that any human cannot deny, a mistake that everyone would make at least once in their life time. Because true love can be blinded by a single smile and a pretty face. Even when he knows that someone else’s life was at stake. A human being can be a deadly weapon to kill another human being. Love is nothing but a paradigm.

I

I, a person who hates crowds but scared of being lonely. I, a female who does not believe in love but is always in need of a male’s affection. I, an independent woman but is clingy over a man’s excessive indulgence. I, the kind of partner who gives freedom but also scared of getting hurt and betrayal. I, such a complicated creature. It drives people crazy. It pushes them away.

The rain always makes everything worse especially when RY X songs are playing in the background. It is such a dark muse. I am staring into space, it makes my eyes hurt because of the cold wind that blows through my open window and stings them whenever I forget to blink. I have been sitting in my bed since this morning with my phone next to my feet. A rainy Saturday is so bad for my mood, especially when I have no plan to be out there playing under the water drops. I have tried to ask some people out, but they are not like me. I do not grow in a forest full of other trees. I am like the rare Encephalartos Woodii, it always needs a mate. But where is my mate right at this moment, when I really need him the most? I need him to pull me away before I fall deeper into this dark deep hole that I am already in. My phone screen is still a pitch black, cold concrete plastic, and as dead as the wish for a rescue. Dang, the rain is not only falling from the sky. Now the rain is inside my two red blotched eyes.
The sky turns dark far too quickly. I have not yet left my bed. Even when the land is already dry my eyes are still watering. The windows are still in the same spot. The storm could not even move them. The phone screen is never alive, and the hope of a dim light has faded away along the rain. Waiting for someone who will never come to rescue me is like a long highway without no turns and no stop. I keep driving until the car is dead on its own until it runs out of fuel. I have been repelling the urge to reach him first, but the rejection is what haunts me and it always has been on every Saturday with or without rain. I am only pleading. Wondering where he might be.

Two Dry Martinis & Empire State Building

I have a dry martini in my left hand, waiting for me to sip another from the glass. A cigarette in my right hand that I have left burning for a while. I have the best view of New York City on a Friday night after a long day of work. My make up is full on, I retouched it before leaving my office. I put on a smokey look with a deep red matte lip. I bought the sexiest black bodycon dress from Barneys last weekend, I even did a full diet plus extra workout sessions for a full month. Every men and woman in this bar are looking at me head to toe, some feeling jealous yet some full of lust. I ignore them all.

I have made a reservation long before this night was even planned out and asked for the best seat with the best view. Empire State Building rises right above my head. Jazz music is playing in the back.
It is 8.46 pm. I came here one hour earlier than the promised time. He is always on time, probably several minutes late because of the traffic. I check on my phone and he is already late for 13 minutes. I am starting to be agitated. I light up another cigarette and sip on my dry martini that is not strong enough for my anxious right now. I should have just ordered for Rum or Vodka.
“Sorry, I’m late.”
“You look good,” he says.
I ignore him and adjust my body to a straighter posture making it obvious that this is an important meeting. I let him order for a drink and ask him about his day. He would talk about it enthusiastically to let me know how proud he is about his job and I would be listening wholeheartedly. Yet it feels so different right now. He does not look me in the eyes the whole time until his own dry martini comes. I in the other hand don’t even listen half of his words. It trails off along the saxophone in the background.
This place is very special for us because everything started here. That is why I chose it to be the place for tonight.
“Where is this all going?”
He knows what I am referring to and he just sighs.
“How many times do I have to tell you that we will be there someday. Just wait.”
“How long do I have to be patient?”
“You know I want it too,” he has not sipped the drink but I can smell alcohol on his breath. “But you know it is not easy to plan out everything.”
“Do you want it or do you wish you want it too?”
“What are you talking about?”
I sip another. “Do you really want it to happen?”
He nods and he finally sips his drink.
“With me or with her?” I shove a brown envelope under his hand on the table. He opens it and looks through the pictures inside.
“How do you get these?” his gives me a reaction just like any other guys I used to date whenever this night happens.
“I am good at playing this game” I put on several bills on the table and weights them with my empty glass so the wind won’t take them away. “This is where we started and this is where we ended.”
I stand up and walk away with no tears. Suddenly the music has stopped, the Empire State is gone dark, and the whole city falls asleep at last.

Someone Better or Nothing at All

Have you ever experienced losing your loved ones? I have. I lost one of my older sisters to an accident and I was old enough to suffer from a great condolence. Some people lost their families when they were still an infant. Does the feeling still consider the same? But they won’t suffer as much because they barely knew the people who leave them behind. There were five, now it becomes just the four of us. We lost the middle child, the barrier between the rulers and the followers, and she was always the wisest among all of us. I was supposed to be the rebel in the house, but she always reminded me that I have to be a good example for the youngest brother. If I kept acting reckless, who would watch him when I was the only person left in the house.

Two of our oldest siblings had already been married and she was one step closer to graduation and leaving me in charge of becoming the oldest child. Yes, she did leave me in charge but why did she have to leave me so far away and a little bit too soon? She did not say she would leave for good! It’s no fair that nobody knew.
But with her leaving all of us, it taught the four of us to be more grateful for each other’s company. She brought us closer and she made us understand truely about the love of a family. We become more giving to one another and I can feel the presence of God among us whenever we are together during Christmas. God brings her along on this special day and we become whole again every once in a year.
I become more responsible with my actions. When I was still naive, I used to be so mad to everyone all the time. But she taught me how to forgive and to accept fate. People are still hurting me from every corner of my life, but then I will always remember the smile on her face. I thought I would cope in sadness for too long and that my life would be ruined. But look at me now…by accepting fate and forgiving all the guilts in this world I am standing still and tall in places I thought I would never be, receiving achievements that I thought was just for people who have not through enough pains to get there, and my life goals are crossed out one by one.
The lost of someone you love can be two things, I know it is an ugly experience and a deathly pain, but you can be either someone better or nothing at all. When you lost someone important in your life, God is teaching you to be ready for anything at all whether you like it or not.

Copycat

The long ombre hair, the vibrant matte lips, bohemian kind of clothes, and round white-framed glasses. It is like I am looking in a mirror. The differences are that she is six cm shorter than me, more slender, and not prettier than most women. What she says is what I said, all the things she does are what I did in public, but whatever she feels will not be the same feelings that I have. She can copy me or either way. But my life will always be mine and she can never take it for granted. If she can copy me but still cannot be me, what’s the fun?

How Not to Hate Your Life

“How not to hate your life”

Here are some tips how not to hate your life.

  1. Do the things that you love : Remember, this is very different with “love what you do” because it is forcing you to be happy when you are not. Everything is always bad when it is being forced. It is not hard to do what you love, just simply do what you want to do and you are basically going to be the happiest person. But before you make your decision, you get to think of the consequences. Everything has its own risk and it needs your full responsibilities. I am going to give an easy example if you love cheesy fries and you crave for them every day and for every meal, you have to think for yourself what will cheesy fries do to your health if you eat them 3x in a day. If you love singing and want to be a singer, you know tongues are the best judges of all. How criticism will affect your mental health. You have to think for the long term. I love writing. Of course, I have to think about the consequences, the responsibilities that I cannot get away from.
  2. Do what you are good at when it comes to making money : You know you are good at Graphic Design, you should make money from it. There are ways, maybe you should consider applying for a job as a Graphic Designer or you can make your own business over it. Yet, this can be challenging. Maybe there will come a day when you are so effed by looking at your computer screen, squinting your eyes to make a perfectly straight line, or making the most eye-catching brochure. Well, everybody will be there soon enough because that means you are just doing the right thing.
  3. Do / Be what your heart desires : If your heart tells you to be a clown, so be it, if your heart tells you to go to the mall so do it. Even though sometimes your heart wants something strange, follow it! Trust me you will feel accomplished and at least you are happy and on the right path. If you feel like exercising, go hit the gym, go on a jog, or whatever. But if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to. Nobody forces you to (unless you’re on a program).
  4. Find reasons why you are doing it : Now if you know what to do and to be, find your reasons why you should follow what your heart desire. If you want to resign from your current job, find your reasons why. If you think your job is not giving you what you need like challenges or enough salary that you deserve, then why not? You are worth more than that. Or if you want to break up with your significant other, find a reason why. Is it because he/she cheating on you and you don’t want to give them any last chance? Or maybe because you feel like you are in a destructive relationship that is going nowhere and you feel like you are just wasting time with him/her? Fine, end whatever that needs to be as long as you have the right reason why.
  5. Have enough rest : If you are having a very hectic week, schedule at least one day from your weekend to take a full day rest. Just do nothing and be lazy for a day, it won’t kill your brain cells and make you become stupid or unproductive. Wake up late, stay in your bed for 18 hours, call for a pizza delivery, binge watch Netflix all day, or read a very good novel, maybe you don’t even have to take a shower (at least brush your teeth).
  6. Go have a day / night out : Don’t lock yourself in the same places every day. Office – home – office – home. Take one day of your weekend to go out, have a nice lunch, go on a picnic, or go shopping, or maybe you can visit pubs on Friday night if you have already scheduled for a rest on Saturday, or you can go out for dinner in a cozy restaurant on a Wednesday night.
  7. Keep in touch with your old friends : Arrange for a meet up with some old friends, catch up what has been left, talk about those good old days.
  8. Go on a date with your so : Haven’t been in any fun and romantic activities with your so because of that loaded paperwork? Have a spontaneous date night. Maybe on Monday night, to ease the next four days, ask your so to go on a fancy dinner or movie date. You don’t have wait for a celebration to go fancy dining, there will always be something to be celebrated for, your relationship, your children, your job that you love, anything. Or you want to cook at home and make something special? Put on those scented candles, spice it up a bit in the bedroom after home-cooked fancy dinner, just forget that weekend is still a long way to go.
  9. Surround yourself with the people who are grateful for your well-being : That means those people need you and they love having you to be around them. Surround yourself with these kinds of people, you will appreciate yourself more then.
  10. Be grateful : God loves those who are grateful. Being grateful that means you are accepting whole heartedly of what God has given you. It is like giving someone a birthday present and seeing them happy and thankful, you feel like you want to give them more. So, don’t forget to be grateful.

Billie Eilish – idontwannabeyouanymore


Don’t be that way
Fall apart twice a day
I just wish you could feel what you say
Show, never tell
But I know you too well
Kind of mood that you wish you could sell

If teardrops could be bottled
There’d be swimming pools filled by models
Told “that tight dress is what makes you a whore”
If “I love you” was a promise
Would you break it, if you’re honest
Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard before
I don’t wanna be you anymore

Hands getting cold
Losing feeling’s getting old
Was I made from a broken mold
Hurt, I can’t shake
We’ve made every mistake
Only you know the way that I break

If teardrops could be bottled
There’d be swimming pools filled by models
Told “that tight dress is what makes you a whore”
If “I love you” was a promise
Would you break it, if you’re honest
Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard before
I don’t wanna be you
I don’t wanna be you
I don’t wanna be you anymore