Nowhere Boy

He looks a little ignorant. I did not mean to stare at him the whole way, but there is just something about him that intrigues me to just…stare. 

I, we, have been stuck in the subway for as long as I can remember. He got in first because when the train stopped at my station, he was already there. After three stations have passed, he is still in the same position when I got in. He is so fixated on what’s in the book which does not bother to be lifted up to his face, instead, he bows slightly to read it. The book is placed in between his legs.

I am so interested to know what he is listening to because if you look at his frown, maybe it is something like a complicated music or maybe it is because of the book. I don’t know. He never looks up to catch my gaze, or anything around him really. He is kind of cute in this sad dim light under the tunnel. I am guessing, he is an artist or writer. I think I am guessing too much. I can just walk up to him and ask. The seat beside him is roomy enough for me to cramp in.

My eyes are heavy now. I think all of today’s caffeine intake has long flushed away from peeing every 30 minutes. I stayed too long in the office and it is already 9 pm. I should have been asleep by now. Maybe I can close my eyes for 15 minutes. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

***

I feel movements from beside me. I open my eyes in a panic thinking I might have missed my stop. But I apparently, woke up just in time. So I gather all my things and run out of the train right before the door closes. Oh, is this his stop too? I turn myself around and look back through the window and see nobody there. Probably he got off long before me.

There is a little bit of sadness not knowing where he lives. Not specifically where just knowing what station he gets off is probably enough information for me.

So I walk down the same street I have always been passing every day for the last two years since I moved to New York from Vermont. My apartment is not a fancy one, but it is comfortable enough. I have a roommate and luckily she is my college best friend. She is taking her master degree in business at NYU. She convinced me to pursue my music career since I live in the Big Apple now or at least continue my master degree in Performing Arts. I have thought of that several times, but my parents have enough things on their plate already. I have two brothers who are currently still at school and an older sister that is selfish enough to walk away from the family to marry his drug addict jackass and move to India to sell joints.

So, my 4.0 GPA in Business is working pretty well. I work in a big IT company, it is quite famous worldwide, as a Business Analyst. I was scared at first, what if I am not actually qualified for this kind of job? But, my boss seems very pleased with my work.

“I’m home,” I say when I open the front door.

Katie’s half body shows up from the bedroom door, “hey, you hungry?’ she asks.

“Very,” I put my purse on the kitchen table. The apartment does not have that many doors if you walk straight right in from the door it will lead you directly to the kitchen, dining room,  and living room in one open big space. If you walk 20 steps forward, you’ll find a glass door facing the balcony and it has two chairs and round coffee table, spacy enough for me and Katie to enjoy tea time while looking down from the level 15th.

“I ordered us pizza, but because you forgot to call me you’d be late again,” Katie walked out of the bedroom still in her workout clothes that wrinkles here an there from doing Yoga too hard. “I ate up leaving you two slices in the microwave.” she opens up the microwave and pushes a cardboard plate with two huge slices of pizza.

I take one and the pizza is still warm. Katie pours me a glass of milk and serves herself one too. “You have been working so hard these days,” Katie says sitting beside me. “It is still not too late to sign up for the NYU’s summer admission.”

I sigh. “Katie, please…” I say in between chewing my pizza. “You can stop talking me into it every now and then. Don’t you think I am too old for that stuff?” I finish my first slice and onto the last. I am already full, but wishing Katie would leave me three slices instead of two.

“You’re only 23, Rose. Nothing is too old for you yet.”

I glare sharply at her calling me that name. My name is Rosalie, but I hate it when people call me Rose because people assume that I love flowers which I don’t. Anyway, it sounds so classic and too girly. So I always introduce myself as Alie.

“I won’t be graduating until at least next year, I won’t leave you until yours comes.” she puts her empty glass to the sink and enters the bathroom.

It is like she can read my mind. I am too scared living in a big city by myself. Katie is always looking after me. She is like an older sister to me more than my own sister. I was an odd kid back when I was in college. Scared of making new friends, so I instantly tailing on Katie when she was the only person who invited me to her birthday lunch.

I don’t hate my job, it pays me good money. But I know that I am not happy with my life right now. Should I really consider signing up for school? Will my parents support me, both financially and mentally?

I just hate uncertainties and unpredictabilities.

I hate possibilities and opportunities.

Because they always haunt me with ‘what if’ questions.

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Sweetheart, What Have You Done to Us?

With your smile, my world is nothing but a constellation. It was dark, but then stars start twinkling. I thought I could never find my way home, but you showed me the way. I was lost, but you guided me. Telling that everything was going to be alright because you would keep me safe. No matter what happens, you will always stay.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

You make me worry about what might happen and overthink about what had happened. You were a strong rock, that even a tornado would never drop your guard. But now you are moving back and forth like you are waiting for the right wind to take you. You are not sure where to go, south or north? Wherever you choose to go, will you take me?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

I know you are scared to make the wrong decision. I am scared too. It seems like all the choices we have is going to lead us nowhere. The question is, are we ever going to be okay with it? All the possibilities we will face, don’t forget the downs we need to get through with or without each other. Will I be holding your hands when I am at my worst and vice versa?

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

We used to be two peas in a pod. We completed each other and fill out the emptiness we had left behind for years. You used to look at me with those fire in your eyes. You used to make me feel wanted like I had never felt before in my life. You used to occupy all the visible space in my head. Tears and bruises used to be the forgotten friends of mine. No darkness will ever come near me, even when night comes I would feel like it was the brightest day I could ever see.

Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

The light is now dimmed. The butterflies had long died. The warmth of your fingertips feels colder than I thought. Your silence, it was never there before. The fights were merely a thing for us to acknowledge. We were calm, like a breezy wind at night. But now, every once in a while we were like a seething wave. I thought we were fine.

Sweetheart, what have we done to us?

The Best

This post is inspired by this amazing book called Uncaged Wallflower by Jennae Cecelia. This book contains poems for people who are afraid to show the world who they really are, scared to be rejected by the society, and have no courage to speak up because they are too afraid of being ignored. To sum up,  this book is written and published for people like me. First, I am going to quote one of my favorite poems with the same title ;

Life is not about

always being the best.

It is about facing fears

and growing from them.

You do not have to be number one.

Just do not live a life full of,

“what if’s.”


When you are too scared to be yourself just know that nobody is perfect. People who only want to be the best out of something they don’t know about the struggle some people face. I know it is scary to speak up in the room full of people, all eyes on you. I know you are thinking, ‘what if I’m only going to embarrass myself?’ ‘what if nobody listens?’ ‘what if someone asks a question and I can’t answer?’ ‘what if they think I’m a weirdo?’ I know because my thoughts are the same. Stop asking ‘what if’s‘ questions and instead say ‘F*ck this, I am going to do it’ it is better to regret rather than to wonder all your life. Don’t avoid mistakes, but make them and learn from them after that! (but it does not mean you can repeat the same mistake and never learn from it, that means you are a fool!)

My heart starts quivering when I have to be the center of attention even just for two seconds. I will be nervous, anxious, feeling nausea like I am going to throw up. I would rather run out of the room and stay in one of the bathroom isles until it is time to go home.

But you know what, those times are over!

This world needs more voice to be heard. If 10 people out of 20 choose to stay silent, nothing will ever change. I know it is hard and terrifying, but our voices matter too! Our opinions, our resolute minds, and ourselves are also noteworthy. You don’t want to be invisible all your life. Just because one callous comment does not mean you are a frivolous person who talks nonsense. Even one viewpoint from you can trigger other big ideas. You can become an introvert and extrovert at the same time, best of both worlds.

Here is the thing, I know closing your mouth shut is the only comfort zone you are going to live in. Just know that the real you who is screaming to get out is still trapped by your own ego and fear. You don’t have to be the best in anything, just be the best version of yourself and you will be more than fine. You will live your life to the fullest when there is nothing or nobody holding you back from expressing yourself.

Being the best does not always mean everything, it is only about the people who never feel of having enough in their life. I am not saying they are greedy, sure having a life goal to be the best mathematician or the best soccer player or the best attention seeker is not bad at all. But the more you seek, the more unhappy your life will be. So, again just becoming the best of who you can be is worthy of a lifetime reward. Stop covering yourself with uncertainties, stop hiding behind everyone’s back! Embrace who you are! Don’t forget that you are loved by the people who know you well.

You are the best and nobody can be a better you than yourself.

🙂

 

Introvert => Extrovert

When a group of people can turn an introvert into an extrovert… it is such an extraordinary thing.

I have been an introvert all my life and probably I always will. I am not really good at talking to other human beings, but I am good with cats (that is an extra credit for me). I don’t fit in anywhere, even when I am trying to. I don’t hate changes, I am scared. Afraid of being rejected by the new environment. I am that kid who doesn’t stand out, sitting as far away from the center, and as quiet as a statue. I show up and then gone. I am terrified when people notice me because then they will start to judge me.

When I am faced with a new scope of various types of people, I did what I do best, trying to be invisible. I thought I was still good at it, but these people I just met a week ago changed a whole new perspective in me.

A year ago, I only have a handful of friends that I can talk to, but not open up to. I don’t feel comfortable letting out the beast in me because I know some of them would not accept it when I steal the spotlight from them, so I listen and listen and in the end, I drew myself back from everyone slowly. In a new year, I have this huge opportunity to start everything fresh. Living back home with a new me, a totally different experience, and unexplored society.

I am not going to lie, the first thing that came up in my mind when I looked around the campus was that ‘I am not going to fit in with anybody here! Let’s just have 3-4 friends and then leave!’ I am a very judgemental person (though I hate to be judged as well). I met three people that surprisingly I am attached to easily. They are the sweetest and I am so grateful that I got to know them soon enough.

Then this outbound activity due on Tuesday and I was assigned to a group of 22 people that I had no idea who they were (but one of them is already a bestie to me so I am so so so ever thankful and relieved that I would not be as lost as I thought). Several days before the outbound, everyone had already gathered up with their own groups and mine was like, ‘Let’s meet up tomorrow’ until it was already two days before the departure.

So, we gathered up in a small square table outside the campus. Yeah, I was trying to tell myself, ‘shut up and listen’ and so I did. We introduced ourselves one by one, like names and what’s one thing that is unique about us. ‘Geez, these people have no idea how VERY ordinary my life is!’ so I only told them about this scorch in my left hand. One person said he looks like a Chinese but he does not have a Chinese heredity in his blood. One person is half Arabian, which is totally apparent. One person said about having chubby cheeks. One person said having dimples is unique, which I totally agree. Two are musicians and they are SOOO amazing. With other unique things like having beards and mustaches, scars, living in a forest, and other things that I probably don’t remember.

They were nice to me, thank God. Then the group chat started to be crowded, we followed each other on social media, and we talked or more like chatting. Some people have surprising mutual friends and alma maters. I still can’t explain it, but I started to be more comfortable around them and it was a very fast process. The hardest thing for me to do is feeling comfortable around new people. But, I somehow forgot about that weakness when I am with them.

On Tuesday, the day of the outbound, we agreed to wear black attire. We showed up looking all cool and macho…and very cohesive. I could not help myself not to smile and to feel proud. “Probably this group is not as bad as I thought”. We laughed and talked loudly while waiting for the bus to come. From day one, I already feel like I am a whole new person. I couldn’t control my brain, I kept blurting out all the absurd things I could think of. That was embarrassing! But in an utter shock to me, not a single person in my group think I was a weirdo. Maybe they think I am a weirdo and I just don’t know, but they let me become who I am. I have never really been this comfortable around new people so fast in my life. And I think I like it to be who I am now.

Day 1

We got off the bus and we went directly to form a line in the middle of an opened field. The instructor was from the military based and he was mean! He commanded us to lay down on the hard and pebbly asphalt out of the blue and started yelling. He took our phone and money away for 3 days, some of us had no chance to say goodbye to their relatives. Me? Nah, nobody would even bother wondering where I was. Because again, I am just too good to be invisible.

I don’t know how it all happened but my group, we already are best friends. I mean, we just met once before that day and I wasn’t even sure I remembered all of their names yet. But what I did all day was just acting like a crazy person, making senseless jokes, and saying unfiltered slangs. But they were still being nice and I don’t know, they accepted me to be who I am just like that! Day one, we were busy standing straight like we were in a military force and mostly just bonding. We became even closer once again, I became even wilder. We discussed the whole night about our group project that has been assigned to us. To be honest, I had no clue what to say because my brain was a total nitwit when the clock starts hitting 10 pm. So, while feeling so bad and ashamed I did not say a word to help out on the group project, all I did was trying to force my eyes open and to nod my head when someone purposed an idea. Later on, I took the first shift for a  night watch in the girl’s barrack until 1 AM with one of the members and my head was going to calcify like a time bomb, but I managed to stay conscious.

Day 2

We have already gathered in the main field at 5 am. Even the sun was still asleep! We all did a little jogging, a little push-up, and morning exercise. After breakfast, we walked several miles (not sure how far, but it was a long and exhausting walk. I stumbled for far too many times because I have two left feet and I hate it when my clumsiness kicked in, I needed to look tough in front my team!).

We did climbings, crossing from one cliff to another using only a single rope as the bridge, walking down a very muddy cliff and then climbing back up with only using a rope as safety. Too many hurdles and I almost gave up in the middle of the day, but I kept screaming to myself inside my head ‘Don’t you dare give up on yourself now! You’re not the same coward as you were a year ago!’  and I finished all the four challenging games (though there were some embarrassing moments of me and also fro other members LOL in one or two, at least we did not give up!).

The whole group did a very good job and I think my group has the strongest bond among other groups! I am super proud!

Day 3

We wrapped up the last day with boring group presentations that felt like an eternity. But we all survived those 3 rough days pretty fine!

So here is the thing, an introvert can also become an extrovert. Not necessarily for good, but sometimes a group of people can make the best out of an introvert. It all depends on who introverts spend the time with. I still can become the introvert of me when I am in class or anywhere I am really but when I am with this 21 people I newly met a week ago, I became my true self that I never realized was there in the first place. Like I was a whole new person! It is surprising, but I don’t know it also feels kind of relieving. It is like I have been holding my breath all these years and I can finally let it out. But outside this group, I will still be an introvert and will always be.

So, I want to do a shout out for these 21 people. Thank you so much to Tama, Adi, Derin, Ina, Devy, Feby, Fikia, Frank, Galang, Iqbal, Maya, Aji, Basra, Ira, Oldy, Restu, Sekar, Silvana, Taufiq, Zharfan (though you could not come during the outbound you contributed so much without you we would not be able to finish our group flag and chest numbers), and Zimam. You guys are amazing! Such gentlemen, because all the dudes in this group kept looking out after all the girl members and the girls are very caring to one another! Thank you so much group 1 (UNO!)  for making me feel like I am finally accepted after so long. I am so proud of us! I love my new family and I hope we can always stay close until we all graduate! See you guys on top!

1/16/2018

That cold wind I always remember is blowing, brushing my skin.

That sunlight I always crave for is shining, touching my whole body.

Whenever the morning comes,

I feel the rush to open all the windows and doors,

welcoming that wind and that sunlight,

into my life once again.

Every morning like this is my only true happiness.

To hear the sound of leaves swooshing all around,

to see the trees dancing.

The trees and sunlight are my friends.

I want to stand in the middle, spreading my hands wide open,

soaking up the moment I am in, and just stay like this forever.

I have been too far away for so long.

They missed me.

They are happy that I am finally home.

Yeah, I am home.

 

Demons

I have been so addicted to Jacob Lee lately. He is an Australian Indie singer and songwriter. You can check him out more here !

This is the first song I stumbled into first and I fell in love with it directly. This song for me is so full of emotion and probably because I love a dark indie song. This song is called ‘Demons’

But then, this is also my favorite Demons video when he performed at the Philosophical Session last year. Jacob Lee is one of the underrated most brilliant musicians. I bet you will fall in love with him too after this. Watch!


The second song I found very enticing is called ‘Ghost’

I actually love all of his songs to be honest, like Ocean, Secrets, I Just Know, Chariot, etc. I can’t wait for his full album release. I hope he is working on it very soon. It would have been so great too if one of his songs used as movie soundtracks like 13 Reasons Why or something. It would also be so great to have him do a collaboration with Billie Eilish! OMG, okay I will stop here so you can enjoy and check him out!

INTJ => INFJ

Shifting from an INTJ into INFJ.

If change is the only constant thing, then adapting is also the one who comes with it. But as hard as facing constant changes, adapting is not easy. If it is, there will be no ‘culture shock’. Imagine that the culture shock does not happen in a new place you live in, but it happens inside you, literally. It’s not about the shifting process, it’s because I am overwhelmed with the sudden change that I have in me now. I am now an INFJ. But somewhere deep inside I still can feel the old INTJ of me reacting to so many things I am dealing with.


Both personalities are in the category of ‘rare’, especially INTJ regarding I am a woman, while INFJ is the rarest among other personalities. But the most significant change in my life is the way I see everything and how I make my decisions. I never really thought about it before, but when I was still an INTJ, I was more of a thinker. I used logic and what makes sense to me regardless others opinion. But now I tend to do what my heart tells me to and sometimes, if not most of the time, doesn’t make sense. I feel weaker. I can’t handle stress and great pressures as it will affect my health. It is weird, isn’t it? 


It is like I have two personalities and able to switch to whichever, whenever I want to. It sounds scary and strange. Although the difference is only on the Extraverted Feeling (INFJ) and Extraverted Thinking (INTJ), it is obvious that I have changed into a whole new person. This is what I believe now; people do change. It might happen because of the people you hang around with, the new environment you’re living in, your age, and even society. It can impact you and the way you see yourself and everything around you.


Both INTJ and INFJ are Introvert and Intuitive. The main difference is that INTJ is more of an Antagonist and INFJ is more of a Protagonist. Can you imagine how that affects my life? From being someone so tough, mean, and heartless into a weak, selfless, and sensitive person. I remember thinking how I hated this kind of self, I am just too weak to defend myself, and just too stupid for using feelings more rather than my brain. I promised to never give myself up and turn into who I am now. But a lot has changed me and it was an inevitable process.


Environment took the role in changing me. After I graduated, the environment around me adjusted itself like it revolved on its own. The next thing I knew, I was already a different person. What do you think about the difference between an INFJ and an INTJ? “Oh nothing much, it’s just that sometimes I can be so touchy and I cry more now, then I will fall ill whenever I cry too much.” I wish I could say that all the time to get free passes in life being one of the weakest personalities in all of humanity. But, nah, that is called complaining and I believe INFJ never complains.
Anyway, INFJ as you can see is very sensitive because they tend to use their hearts to think and to make decisions. INTJ on the other hand, uses logic. When they need to take action, they don’t see the effect they made to other people as long as they are doing what they want to do. Sometimes INTJ can be considered selfish.

But INFJ is across the road. They think before they act. “What will happen to this person if I do this?” “Will he be hurt if I do this?” “Will he be happy if I do that?” it is like, INFJ lives to serve other people, to please other people. For an INTJ, “F*ck that, I won’t do it just to please you!” so, can you imagine how many degrees I have to turn myself around?


Thankfully, I am not alone! There are people out there who are struggling with this kind of thing as well. I have a friend, who had to deal with the same shifting process in a hard way. I am considered lucky because I already have someone to look up to and ask for advice. He suggested that I take it slowly and try not to be overwhelmed by the process. 

Here is what I have learned from the changing process: tolerance. Being a little bit more sensitive gives you some perks too. It makes you become more tolerant to other people and it appears nurturing to them which appeals nicely. People only want to be understood. It is like that is why God created INFJ people, to understand other people. INFJ is like having this superpower to comfort other people, which to be blunt, is really tiring. Creating a smile in someone else’s face always drains out the energy, but it will always worth the effort. 

All INFJ needs is isolating themselves to recharge her/himself before heading out and giving away wise advises that sometimes, if not most of the time, they need for their own. Funny, isn’t it? INFJ does not need anybody to make them feel better. The only person that can push them are themselves and other fellow INFJ. Because you know why? We have a strong bond between one another and the ones who could understand each other. I was surprised how quickly I can connect to my other INFJ peers even though I have only known them for several days. That can be one of the perks too. INFJ can connect to so many people, yet people cannot do the other way around. It is like a one way connection, which seems unfair but it is enough for INFJ to make friends.

The changing process is not bad and I can finally embrace my inner INFJ. It is hard to let go of the INTJ in me completely because it will always be in my blood. But I am grateful that I am included in the rarest personality as there is only a handful of us in this world. This humanity needs more INFJ people. This humanity needs me.

What Really Makes Your Life Miserable

You are having a severe disease, you are sick all the time but you have been taking your medicine everyday that you thought was healing you, but your health gets worse. You think that there is something wrong with your immune so you keep blaming yourself for every worst case.

What do you think is wrong? Have you ever really considered thinking that maybe the medicine is empowering the disease? Have you checked? If you have and you knew all along that the medicine is not good for you and is killing you but you keep consuming the pills because you believe that maybe it will heal you somehow and because you are already too dependent on it. You must stop taking the medicine!
It goes the same with your life. You know exactly what makes your life full of anxious, stress, and doubts. Because you keep surrounding yourself with toxic people. You keep them around you and you think they might change and make your life worth living. But the truth is, the longer you hang around them, the uglier your life will get. Stop thinking that you can be happy with them just because you are scared of letting them go. Some bad people will always stay bad until they have their lesson.
The only thing that can save you is yourself. You have to realize when it is time to walk out of their lives. Appreciate yourself for your own happiness. Always make sure that you come first, never put anyone else above you! Be selfish for sometimes. Stop taking that medicine, those toxic pills. Walk out and be happy! You deserve a happy life, even without anybody involved.

Happiness is a State of Mind

Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy and you can also choose not to. It depends on you because happiness is just a state of mind like any other emotions. They are all inside your head. You can either embrace or ignore. It really is up to you.

If you are trying to be happy but there are things that stop your mind from reaching out the happiness, here are the things you should consider doing in order to be completely happy.
1. Distance yourself from toxic people. Toxic people do not always have to be negative people who are so pessimistic all the time. Toxic people are the ones who stop you from thinking that you are worth to be happy. People who stop you from doing things that you want. People who turn you into someone else and forget who you really are. Toxic people are those who create constant pain, hate, and who triggers you to hold grudges.
2. Do what you really want. I know it is not as easy as it sounds. If your heart desires bigger things like ‘earn ten million in two hours’ maybe it is not what you really want. You can do what you want from a single craving like if you want to eat a piece of chocolate cake, eat it! Don’t too over think about your diet, as long as your mental health is stable and you are happy, you will live one day longer.
3. Always try to see the positives among the negatives. Everything happens for a reason. If it is bad, it’s bad. If it’s good, it’s good. Maybe not everything bad that happens to you means you are doing wrong, it can mean anything else. Try seeing the good over the bad. If you are working in a shitty office, doing a crappy job, and you can’t hate going there less than anything, you have to try and see the positive. Maybe you are being tested by God, how long you can take the pressure and you have to prove God that you are strong enough not to give up easily. Maybe after you take off from there, you will have a strong will to pursue a more challenging experience. You will be stronger mentally or anything really.
4. Stop hating people. Nobody is perfect, no. Not even those you hate. As much as you think they are living a good life, having the most perfect body, I believe that is not all. You don’t know the story behind their perfect pictures. God is fair, just so you know that. Have a bit compassion too.
5. Forgive and Forget. The past belongs in the past. Learn from it, not live in it. Sometimes people will forgive but still can’t forget. Hos do you forget it? Focus on yourself, for the future.
6. Be grateful. What else can I say? If you feel like you don’t have enough, but actually you have more than enough, you won’t be happy at all. Try to be grateful for what you have and think that you are lucky enough to have what everyone wishes they had.

The Least You Could Do


It was darker that night

The night that you did me wrong

Yeah, the stars weren’t too bright

And our hearts weren’t too strong

So tell me i’m alone now

Tell me you don’t want me

Tell me to give up now

Unless you want to see me bleed

Oh, the least you could do

Is help me get over you

Oh I hate that you did it

And it hurts that you wanted to

But don’t try to protect me

When your words just won’t be the truth

Rather tell me i’m alone now

Tell me you don’t want me

And don’t you dare say that you’re in love now

Unless you wanna see me bleed

Oh, the least you could do Is help me get over you

Don’t be so selfish

Don’t be so selfish

Stop being so selfish

Just help me out

Say you’ll always love me

Say I need to know

That you won’t forget me

So I can let this go…