Lover, Please Stay

I plead.

But you don’t even know it.

I beg.

But you think I am free.

I love.

But you think you are just another pit stop.

As much as I hurt myself,

I am saving it from you.

As much as you’re hurting,

I am saving yourself from me.

“I have to let you go,” I say, pleading with agony.

“Am I hurting you?” you ask with the same pain I am feeling reflecting in your eyes.

“No,” I take my hand away from your grasp.

“Then, why are you doing this?” you look at me, wanting to beg but all you can show is the sadness in your face.

I desperately want to cup your face in my both hands, brush your cheeks with my thumbs, to stare deeply into your eyes for as long as I can live,  and tell you how I actually feel. That I am happy, that I love you, that I want to be with you, but too cowardly afraid to admit that you might hurt me because I am the kind of person who looks back to the past. It is not about mine, it is about your past. The past has always been the weapon to kill. I was once killed by the past, I have not been alive enough to be killed again by it.

Why don’t you just tell him the reason? He will deceive me easily.

Maybe he’s changed! People do change, but only if they really want to. 

But you don’t even know if it’s true or not! Better prevent it happening than finding out when it becomes too late to turn away. 

“We are not meant for each other,” my heart aches. It squeezes so tight inside my chest. Oucham I dying? “We have the same personalities. None of us wants to concede.” Here I go again with the lie that I am not good at doing.

You fall silent for a moment, maybe agreeing with what I just said. If you can see it, my body shivers like there is a war inside. I pin down myself in my seat as hard as I can. If I can’t control myself, I would push myself and put my arms around you so tight and would probably never let go. If that happens, there is nothing in this world that can make me let go. That is why I need to walk away before I trip over and fall into the unending loop. I have to stop myself from getting hurt. I am broken enough. I am ruined enough.

I stood up abruptly.

You take my hand before I can start walking. “Please, stay!”

I clench my other hand. Don’t turn back! Don’t look back! Just go, run!

“Please, stay…” you say once again, sound more vulnerable.

Lover, please stay. I can hear you whisper as you’re loosening up your grip. You’re letting me go.

I don’t want to play your game or any game. Not anymore.

As I walk away,

the trail behind me follows.

We never stop for a rest,

never will.

Until we reach that stop,

that some people told it exists.

That some people called,

a happy ending.

 

 

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The Night We Met

This world is round. You will eventually go back to your starting point if you just keep moving in the same direction.

I don’t know what makes me walk in a loop. Probably it’s just me, being so heartless yet considerate at the same time. I am deceiving myself right now, making me think that it is okay to be the one who breaks this one-way relationship. But at the same time, I can’t.

This relationship has been going on for as long as I can remember. But I can’t recall the last time I could feel those butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her. But there was a moment when I could a whole zoo inside me. Where do all the animals go now?

“We can’t always do this!” I say when she curls her lips after an argument. “I said I am sorry,” I say again for thousands of times.

“But you should not have been late,” she whimpers from the passenger seat next to me. “You know today is important for me.”

Today is one of her best friend’s wedding and she wants us to come early before anybody so that she can take a picture with her group of friends. But hey I am a dude, I only slept for a good five hours after watching a football match last night. But I don’t tell her that because she would only go even nuttier. I woke up to her 35 missed calls and 15 unread messages full of anger and disappointment.

“Baby, please…” how painful it is to call her that but deep inside I feel nothing. I feel sorry for her and myself. “We are only late like…10 minutes! Do we really have to argue like this is a big thing?”

“Yes,” she says still pouting.

I can only sigh. Somehow this has been going on for quite sometimes, but maybe this is what is called relationship. You can’t always go sweet and smooth for so long without a single argument in between.

This stupid argument goes on until night and when I can’t take it anymore I finally go home and let her deal with all of her own drama. Tonight, I am contemplating again to break up with her. This is the moment! Just tell her you don’t want to deal with her childish attitude. I throw myself on my bed and it makes a squeaking sound.

I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath. All of these thoughts start coming to my head. The questions I have always been asking to myself since the night we met.

I met her in class, we were classmates in college, but never been friends. I don’t remember having a crush on her, but I am not sure how we somehow got closer. I was a flirt back then. People told me, “Dude, it is not fair! You can flirt with girls and they will always fall for you easily.” they were all just spitballing, I thought. So when she came around, I tried to prove that it is not true what they said. I know I was a flirt, but I only do it with girls I wanted to date not just to random ones. But this time, it was my mistake to try and prove nothing to nobody and now I am trapped in this dead end.

I remembered it was fun, that is all. I don’t remember falling in love with her, until one day I asked myself “Why do I keep hitting on her though I am not in love?” but I was so angry to myself that I kept on going. I could see she was already falling for me and I know I could not just cut everything off for the reason that I was just playing with her because it was fun to do. I was a total jerk but never wanted to admit. So instead of hurting her, we finally dated.

No, I will not deny it. The first months of our relationship went smooth and just like any other newly dated couple. It was fresh and full of love. I started thinking, maybe I actually love her but just never wanted to admit it. We were once in a honeymoon phase, yes just like any other typical relationship.

As times went by, this doubt started to come and grew even stronger. Arguments started to be a part of our daily routine. Every little thing I do seems to be annoying for her. The longer this relationship goes, the more I become so vulnerable. All it needs to take is to say goodbye and that everything will be over. But I can’t! I have been waiting for her to be the one who ends it. But she never did! I have tried so many ways to make her feel like it is enough, but whenever it happens she has always been the one who fights for this relationship, for us to work out. What is it that she does not want me to go?! What is so special in me that she keeps fighting for this hopeless romance?! Why would she keep fighting for something I can’t give her?! Why did I even do this in the first place if I know I would only hurt her now?! 

I squeeze my eyes tight. I can no longer do this! If I keep this relationship going, I will only hurt us more. I plead a little inside. All I can picture in my head is her face crying, full of anger, sadness, and disappointment. What should I say if she asks the reason why I am giving up this easy? She never cheated on me, I have never cheated on her. We are fine, at least until this point. But I can’t keep lying to myself, deceiving myself to force to love her even if I am not. Goddamn it! What should I do?!

The buzz from my phone snaps me out of the parallel world. I take it out from my pocket and I see her name on my phone screen. “Hey, I am sorry for acting so childish and annoying today. Have a good rest, I love you.” I contemplate to bring this up and make another argument. But those three last words…I can’t do this! I don’t want to hurt her, but I am hurting her at the same time. She thinks I am still in love with her, damn! 

I need to go back to the night we met. I need to rummage some of the old memories to find my answer. To find the reason for letting go. To look for a single captured moment where it was love, not just a game. I need to go back to that night, the one we first met. Maybe I can find something, maybe it will be my answer.

00.01

He takes my hand as we walk up the stairs.

It’s dark. Yeah, it’s the middle of the night what do I expect? The sun?

He walks to the edge of the rooftop and sits with his feet dangling in the air. I follow him. I have never been afraid of height or darkness, I am more scared of him right now. Probably I am most scared of my own feeling.

He does not say anything, so I look around and the view is so breathtaking. The sky is so full of stars and I have never seen it this clear before. I am taken aback by the constellation until he finally calls my name.

“Don’t you wish you could fly?” he says without glancing at me. “I wish I could. It would be fun! And I want to fly right there as fast as I can.” he points to the farthest West of our side.

I smile, “Yeah, flying would be fun.”

“Look,” he touches my hand. “Can you see that orange light over there? That’s my house.”

I don’t know if he’s joking or just guessing. How can he be pretty sure? We’re like…too far away from the city. I can hear the chatter from everyone under our dangling feet. Can they see us?

I turn my head to take a little glance of his face. His eyes are staring into the horizon of flickering lights and dark mountains. His face is so serious. I can still see his perfect jawlines under the moonlight. Is he even a real human being? He feels my gaze and now his eyes are focused on mine. I want to stop the time and just stare into those eyes for the rest of my life. I feel an earthquake in my chest. I quickly look back up to the sky before he can see the flares in my cheeks.

“Look,” I say still amazed by the beauty of tonight’s sky, and his, but I am more interested in the sky right now. “The sky is so beautiful. The stars are starting to gleam! Wow, there are so many of them!” I say full of excitement.

“Oh yeah,” he says following my eyes. “What are the stars made of? Asteroids? I don’t know.”

I think he asks that more to himself than to me. He is hypnotized by the sky too.

I exhale the unexpected oxygen that I have been holding since we got here. The night air stabs my whole body and I shiver a little.

“I had done everything for her,” he says out of the blue. “I had changed myself the way she wanted me to. I mean, I was a better person when I was with her.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“No,” he denies. “Because she left me! She betrayed me! It was not easy to accept when someone I had sacrificed everything for dumped me and ended up choosing to be with someone else.”

I become so tense in my place. I know exactly how he feels. I want to scream so loud, “You’re not alone!” but I can’t because I am fighting to keep my tears from falling.

“But she always refused all the helps I could offer. I pushed her into who she is now. I was the biggest support she had. I can’t believe I ever thought of marrying someone like her.” he shakes his head with a little sarcastic laugh. He looks down to his hands. I can see that he has not yet over the pain, maybe over her but not the pain. That mark she has caused will be hard to heal.

“But I am passed over that crap,” he says looking back up. I don’t know if he is only saying that to make me believe him or to believe it himself.

“Healing takes time,” I say from my place when he finally falls silent for a minute. He looks at me. But I don’t take away my gaze from the world. “Trust-issue will not last forever. Once you have found someone you love who will never let you go for anything, except death, then you know that you have won from your own fear.”

He is still looking at me and I don’t think he will say anything. So I continue, now staring deep into his eyes. Locking him inside my head and there is no way he can escape. “I am scared.” my voice sounds fragile and weak. I am surprised that it was all I could say. My body shivers and he takes my hand then kisses it gently.

“Don’t be,” he says.

His voice melts me.

“But I am,” I say still locking eyes with him. “I know I shouldn’t be scared, but I can’t help myself. I know that people change. I know that you two are different human beings. But I am just scared of getting hurt again. I don’t have anything left in me to break anymore.”

“I won’t hurt you,” it’s all he can say over and over, since the first time we ever talked to each other.

I can’t say anything. My lips are sealed. I want to believe him. But that wall of trust inside me has not yet constructed fully. It is not strong enough yet.

I hate myself for this, blaming him for something he didn’t do, blaming him for all the bruises someone had left in me. I keep telling myself, “He is not him!” but there is no use!

“I know you are trying to heal,” he says sitting closer to me. “I am too.”

I nod slightly, feeling the warmth of his body. I am the one who wears a hoodie, he is bare with only a t-shirt. But somehow he is still the source of all the heat in my body, not the hoodie.

“The problem is that I enter your life at the right time,” he says like it is a mistake. Like he is probably regretting it already. “When you need someone else to heal your wound and…”

“No,” I cut him off. I know he hates it when I do that. But I don’t care. “You come to my life at the wrong time.”

“Why so?”

“Because after everything, I decided to never fall in love again. To never let myself get hurt because of love anymore. And now, you ruin it! You have ruined the plan I made for my life because you came so unexpectedly.” I am furious but still scared and somehow hurt but I don’t know which one that takes control of my emotion right now. It is too overwhelming.

“Why am I ruining it?”

“Because I am already in love with you,” I say looking back at him. Once again, forcing myself to lock his eyes on mine. Heat burns my chest and my cheeks. Something stings my eyes because I can feel that they are wet. Maybe it’s the cold wind. “That is why I am terrified even more.”

He does not say anything but still locked by my gaze.

“I am scared,” that is all I can seem to say for now. I am surprised that my voice is so shaky and weak. “I can’t fall in love with you,” I squeeze his hand. He kisses my cheek gently, telling me that it is okay to be scared and somehow I know he will never leave my side. “But I think I have already fallen too deeply, I can’t…”

He cuts me off with his warm lips pressed against mine. Slowly I am drawn into his magic trick that keeps pulling me into him. It is like, his body is the strongest point of magnetic field. That gravitational pull is too strong, I can’t let go.

I can finally pull myself away from him, an inch away. I still close my eyes and I know he does too. My forehead is still on his and I inhale the carbon dioxide he exhales and vice versa. “Don’t,” I touch his lips with my fidgeting finger, brushing them softly. My heartbeat is racing like there is a marathon inside me. But it is hard to really keep myself apart from him when he is the center of all my universe right now. That magnet pull keeps dragging me back in. We collide into each other once more and my body is now shaking uncontrollably.

He can sense the outcry that I am about to let out. He pulls me into his embrace so tight like he is scared I might calcify into particles of dust.

“What have you done?” I wrap my arms tightly around his neck, scared that he is going to be the one who disappears.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers in my ears. His voice sounds so vulnerable.

“Don’t go,” I say, burying my face in his neck and inhale the scent of his body that surprisingly calms every nerve in my skin that are about to explode. “Don’t leave me!”

“I won’t,” his voice is firm and somehow I trust him this time.

I feel something that is certain now. That I will never let him go. That I will win myself over this fear. That I will fight harder to change myself into a better person, but this time with him by my side. Not alone.

People change.

Wounds heal.

If it is not time, it is love that will be your new turning page.

 

Two Dry Martinis & Empire State Building

I have a dry martini in my left hand, waiting for me to sip another from the glass. A cigarette in my right hand that I have left burning for a while. I have the best view of New York City on a Friday night after a long day of work. My make up is full on, I retouched it before leaving my office. I put on a smokey look with a deep red matte lip. I bought the sexiest black bodycon dress from Barneys last weekend, I even did a full diet plus extra workout sessions for a full month. Every men and woman in this bar are looking at me head to toe, some feeling jealous yet some full of lust. I ignore them all.

I have made a reservation long before this night was even planned out and asked for the best seat with the best view. Empire State Building rises right above my head. Jazz music is playing in the back.
It is 8.46 pm. I came here one hour earlier than the promised time. He is always on time, probably several minutes late because of the traffic. I check on my phone and he is already late for 13 minutes. I am starting to be agitated. I light up another cigarette and sip on my dry martini that is not strong enough for my anxious right now. I should have just ordered for Rum or Vodka.
“Sorry, I’m late.”
“You look good,” he says.
I ignore him and adjust my body to a straighter posture making it obvious that this is an important meeting. I let him order for a drink and ask him about his day. He would talk about it enthusiastically to let me know how proud he is about his job and I would be listening wholeheartedly. Yet it feels so different right now. He does not look me in the eyes the whole time until his own dry martini comes. I in the other hand don’t even listen half of his words. It trails off along the saxophone in the background.
This place is very special for us because everything started here. That is why I chose it to be the place for tonight.
“Where is this all going?”
He knows what I am referring to and he just sighs.
“How many times do I have to tell you that we will be there someday. Just wait.”
“How long do I have to be patient?”
“You know I want it too,” he has not sipped the drink but I can smell alcohol on his breath. “But you know it is not easy to plan out everything.”
“Do you want it or do you wish you want it too?”
“What are you talking about?”
I sip another. “Do you really want it to happen?”
He nods and he finally sips his drink.
“With me or with her?” I shove a brown envelope under his hand on the table. He opens it and looks through the pictures inside.
“How do you get these?” his gives me a reaction just like any other guys I used to date whenever this night happens.
“I am good at playing this game” I put on several bills on the table and weights them with my empty glass so the wind won’t take them away. “This is where we started and this is where we ended.”
I stand up and walk away with no tears. Suddenly the music has stopped, the Empire State is gone dark, and the whole city falls asleep at last.

November 9

November 9 by Colleen Hoover

This is my very first book review and my first Colleen Hoover’s book. I’ve seen people reading her books everywhere, but I don’t know somehow I hadn’t read one. When I bought this book, I read the little description behind it. It didn’t give me that curiosity I usually feel when I pick books. But I bought it because I hadn’t read the famous Colleen Hoover’s book.

Okay now onto the book.

What interests me from this book is that the two characters, Ben and Fallon. Why? Because Fallon is a lot like me; insecure about all things mostly about her physical looks, unconfident, always underestimate herself, and her head that is full of ‘what if’ questions. Maybe her character relates to so many girls in this world. And that is what makes her special, what makes this book is worth reading.

Ben. He is sweet, sometimes can be too cocky and blunt. But that is what I like about him. He reminds me of someone I know, I care about too. Okay, I’ll stop being personal here. Ben is so unexpected, or maybe he is too predictable. I don’t know. He can be both. He is smart. Fallon is smart too. They both are. But Ben always has his ways to outsmart Fallon, from the way he talks, the way he defends himself when Fallon starts to accuse him being all wrong.

The only part that I don’t fancy is the beginning of this book. I don’t want to give away the piece of the story because it will be a spoiler. But, really if there is someone who dares to do that unexpected thing like what Ben did in the beginning of the book, seems like impossible. I mean, it is not a smooth opening for a romance book. It is just too easy, too instant.

I could already predict the end of the story, like who actually Ben is in the beginning. But I had no idea that the story would have such a plot twist like that. I mean, IT WAS JUST AWSOME.

My MOST FAVORITE part in this book is, of course the romance itself! When Ben and Fallon are so in love they can’t be separated! I love how they’re connection is just so…..real. Like I could feel what Fallon feels when they fall in love with each other, when the uncertainty is always in the middle on their way, when they have fights and doubts, but when they’re sure about each other that what touches me the most!

I smiled the whole way through the very last page of this book. Ben and Fallon. They’re just like every other relationship in this world.

I even thought about doing the same thing, like Ben and Fallon do. One day, every year, for maybe a year because I’ll be 23 this year. So, yeah…….

I don’t know….. I can’t really express what I’m thinking about this book. Like no words can really describe anything about this book.

I love Colleen Hoover! I’m addicted to her books now….

Fire In The Water

When heat meets cold, one of them dies. When You and I are together, one of us is biased. I am the cold, with an arid ice, lethargically firm. You are the heat, with a raging fire, blithely intangible. The cold always loses. Yet the heat deprecates what’s claimed.

I am breathing heavily. Smoke is coming out of my lungs.

“I know what you are going to commit,” a hazy of entreat look deplores across your face.

“Define it,” You unsettle the heedless secrecy in you.

“Come with me!”

I sally in to the dark within your grasp. You follow submissively. We travel far into the forest. The deeper we get, the more I get my power. Your fire starts to dim, your heat starts to  dwindle. I don’t care, because that is my purpose all along. You don’t seem to waive. I treacherously abet the enemy. I take your hand in mine and we continue marching in a whim.

We come across to what seems like a misty lake. I let go of your hand and face you.

“Let your fire burst this forest into ashes.” such an omnipotent command that sounds.

“You know I can’t,” a prickle of fire sparks catapulted from your fingertips. They look like stars, yellowish red almost orange, they sting when they touch my skin. I don’t flinch. Not even a little bit.

You notice. Mirthless, your eyes.

“Take my hand!” I beckon the deference of your obedience by offering you the bridge to my power. I know whenever our power interacts to one another, a great explosion will occur inside each of us.

“But if I take your hand,” You are contemplating. “I am going to kill you.”

“Let me die,” I am writhed by the acrimonious remark of your condolence.

“I won’t!” You take a step back. My power kicks in and ice starts to grow around your feet.

“Do it,” I push the urge to curdle and battle your power I seek to get accelerated anytime soon.

“I said, I won’t!” You holler out the pain in you. Your body starts to tremble. The ice that starts to grow to your pelvis is melting rapidly.

“I know you want to let go of your power,” I smirk but I weep. “I am your adversary, fight me!” I hasten my power by entering the lake behind me.

“I will not,” You outcry the agony both outside and inside your body. I am killing you from the outside, and you are killing yourself from the inside. You seem to be obviating no option to die.

“Let it out!” I scream my mist out. “Kill me!”

You estrange whatever it is that you are scared of. The ice that I am growing up to your chin is cracking. You take slow and gentle steps into the lake. I whirl the mist into white clouds, shielding us from the damp dark forest.

“You want this,” Our eyes meet. You rise before me. “I don’t!”

“Tell me why not?” I don’t shift my gaze anywhere but your eyes.

“I don’t want to kill you!” Your eyes, the shape of diamonds, crystallizing and that makes me startled. You cry lava, those crystals are mine.

“I’m not going to let you,” I am getting closer to you. “Let your power out! Burn this forest down!”

You take my hands and we merge into an embrace. We both close our eyes. I let my power to be the armor. The ground is rumbling beneath our feet. But the lake keeps us up from falling. I control the water to penetrate your skin and to blight the fear of killing me.

I can feel pain, joy, love, and war zone between us. Air pulls me away from you, but you clasp me in sealed.

Fire in the water, we become stronger.

You are panting hard, taking in and out oxygen. I kiss you, agitate your lungs with my cold air.

“You see?” I smile. “This forest haunted me for so long. Together we are strong. Let go of your power when you’re with me, I will protect you from harming us. You are the soldier, and I will be your shield. But you have to listen to me, and put your faith in me.”

“I thought I was going to kill you with my fire because cold…”

“Always loses?”

A pang of guilt comes across your eyes.

“My power is just as strong as yours. When you’re in my zone, nothing can kill me. Even if I let you to, I will die because of my own power. Don’t hold back. I am more powerful than ever when you’re with me, and so are you.”

 

Everything and Nothing

The sound of thunder makes me shiver. The darkness inside makes me allay. The coldness all around makes me numb. Your presence makes me irate. I want to disappear. I want to go. I want to run away.

The room is starting to heat up without fire. The thunder has gone along with the dark. You are starting to fade away, but I become more concrete. One eventful moment as I am reaching for your hand but you’re not.

“Don’t go,” a laconic sentence that states the unspoken.

“Come here,” you are a lethal weapon that tries to deprive my existence.

“If I come near you,” I become a stone. “You will disappear.”

You are a lucid form of my dream. The best dream I have ever had.

“No,” you are lying. “I won’t go anywhere.”

“But you are not real,” I lower my head. “Not anymore.”

“Come!” you are masquerading as a motley creature. I don’t dare to touch you. But you are beautiful and I am hypnotized.

“Stop pretending!” I am half screaming in a nonchalant tune. You are stunned because of my sudden morose temper. “Go back to where you were!”

“But I’m here for you,” you look hurt. But I am hurt even more. I don’t want to waste another 8 years to just see you cease away again. But you came back out of the blue and I am scared now. “Reach my hand and come with me!” you want me to do something that does not even make sense. You don’t reach out your hand for me to take. What am I supposed to hold on to?

“What do you want?” a murky expression comes across my face.

“I want you to come with me,” you obviated the dark secret in you to allure me into a frenzy. “But I don’t want to be with you, too. But I loved you, maybe I still do.”

Such a paradox you tell me.

“I can’t go anywhere,” a reflection of his own pensive thought is pervading across my mind. “Not until you tell me what is your purpose to come back!”

You give me a slight peremptory pep talk, but then you stop.

“You are haunting me,” I start to tremble. “Three years and then another five years. You have always been haunting me, haven’t you? You love it to see me like this, don’t you?”

“What do you mean?” your feet are starting to touch the ground. I’m thinking you might be staying for good for a second, but I don’t want to conclude that fast. Because every damn time when I think of you might come back, I always get disappointed by my own paradigm.

“I am suffering!” I am screaming at the top of my lungs. I am standing in the zenith of mountains between us. “Can’t you see that?”

“Please, I want to feel the heat from your body because I’m so cold right now!” you are walking or more like floating towards me. “But your heat will kill me.”

“What exactly do you want?”

“I want nothing.”

“If you want me, say it!”

You are writhing in pain. “Stop!” you are in a great pain, but I don’t know where it is from.

“If you don’t want me, just go!”

“No!” you’re still clutching your temple. I hear sobs coming from you.

“I don’t mind waiting 8 more years just to find you coming back here in another form of ghost.” I am getting closer to you.

“Stay where you are!” You halt me with a gentle push.

“You want me to come, I’ll come!”

“Don’t come any closer!”

“You want me to leave, I’ll leave!”

You are angry. You are fighting with your own thoughts. I don’t care what they are.

“Just say it!” I demand. “Say what you want! Just say it!”

“I want everything and nothing at all,” you are crying but there are no tears on your face.

We are standing there, facing each other. One floating, one petrifying. One is a ghost, one is a stone. One is fluid, one is congealed. But we are both unsure for what might come next.

We will always be this way.

 

Tout Ce Que Je Te Demande

When you have a guy best friend, never expect one of you will not fall into the black magic that is called love. There is no friendship between a guy and a girl. No, there is no such thing. Yes, deny it all you want! She knows you don’t believe it. But please, trust her on this, she did not believe it too at first.

“So, how are you?” he asked. What is wrong with him? They were just talking to each other last night on the phone.

She sat there across from him. The food between them were starting to be cold. The salmon on her plate was awry cooked. She could tell by the pinkish color on the bottom. Talk to me! You’re just spitballing here and I want to know whatever it is that you are hiding! 

“Are you going to talk to me or not?” he asked again and this time he was staring deep into her eyes.

She shifted on her seat uneasily. “Yes,” she replied without looking directly at his face. “What are we going to talk about?”

“Anything you want,” he smiled knowing that she was still keen to respond.

You asked me out, therefore you are the one who needs to talk! Oh my God, he is such a buffoon!  She knew there was something insignificantly fishy when he asked her out for lunch. They are best friends or were, well she thought it was something more than that between them. She always has thought of that. Almost five years they were going nowhere. He treats her so well, like no best friend would treat each other. She feels like a princess whenever they are together. He teases her like a brother to his sister. He takes care of her like best friends. They fight like a couple. But none of those seems real for her right now. They were there, physically, like two strangers on a disastrous blind date. She knew she wouldn’t want to be there if it wasn’t because of her curiosity. Not only that, but it was because she cares.

“So, why are you taking me out?” she asked him with no suspicious tone in her voice. Like she already knew what will happen but still wants confirmation.

“What do you mean why?” he looked hurt. Well, he should be. “I just want to have a nice lunch with you. Is that wrong?”

Yes, it is wrong. You don’t usually ask me out for lunch, I mean just the two of us! We usually go with seven other people because you never want to be just the two of us! Why is that so wrong? Are you disgusted when people stare at us and think we are as a couple? Am I that disgraceful to you? I know I am not pretty like other girls you always have a crush on. Geez, are you going to give me a lecture about something? 

“No,” she replied after having a debate in her own head. “Not at all. It’s just…”

He bent over slightly.

“It’s just not you,” she giggled awkwardly. “It’s just unusual.”

He laughed, like really laughed. She stomped a little in her seat.

There was an awkward moment. He cleared his throat.

“So, who’s hitting on you at the moment? Come on, tell me about this guy…”

What was that supposed to mean? “No one,” she replied.

“You sure?” he teased her, but she is not up for a game right now.

There is nobody that can make me fall in love like you do. “I swear! To be honest,” she was itching from the words in the tip of her tongue. “No one deserves condign affection from me. They didn’t give me that comfort feeling, not like you do to me.”

There was another awkward silent again.

“Well, what about you?” she took control the whole situation. She is like a tigress, trying to pretend that she is strong but she is actually scared. “I mean, what about all that girls you used to tell me about?”

He moved uncomfortably in his seat. She knew he was hiding something. “I’m done with them.” he said plainly. But in his last tone, there was something else. His eyes were telling her that she should be ready for what’s coming next. “But there is someone,” he finally said after taking a long deep breath.

“Who?” she asked in agony.

“You don’t know, do you?” He smirked. What was that for?

She shook her head so very slow and he didn’t notice.

“You know her very well,” he mumbled with his head bowing so low. He played his fork in his left hand but he was staring at his half-eaten food. “She’s one of us.”

She tried to recall all the girl’s names in her group. Well, there were only five of them including her. Two are taken, it left her with two other girls. At first, she had this thought that it might be her. Maybe he was about to confess his feeling towards her. Really? She could feel a little joy in herself.

But this is all bogus! It can’t be me! But he is so nice to me today, and that is what makes it all so fishy. I mean, why would he wait until now to just say if he loves me? Why not years ago?

“She’s one the closest to you,” he suddenly said like knowing she was being too self-conscious.

The closest? It is you imbecile little moron! But I guess, it is supposed to be a girl then?! Wait… Oh my God…

“Since when?” she asked in a low voice. She almost screamed, she meant to. But her self-control wouldn’t let her and instead she whispered. A whimpering sound came within her.

He was contemplating at first, but told her everything. He found out that he likes her three years ago. He doesn’t explain how and why he likes her. He told her their little getaway to the most beautiful place and all. He also told her that she felt the same way, but she couldn’t tell her best own best friend because it might hurt her. Yes, it does hurt! All she could do was listening and nodding, smiling even. But inside her, there was a battle. A part of her wants to scream and run away, the other wants her to cry and explain everything to him. That she is still in love with him, she is still waiting for him, she is still hoping for a fairy tale ending, and most of all she still wants him.

“Are you okay?” he asked when she didn’t respond anymore.

she felt the tears prickled in the corner of her eyes. She stood up abruptly, her chair made a squeaking noise it makes him cringed. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she rushed to the back. Some people stared at her when she passed their tables.

Why her? Why not any other girl out there like before? Why my own best friend? I told her everything about him. I told her about this devastating date. I told her EVERYTHING. She was also the only one who encouraged me to come to him first. She was the one who kept supporting me to be with him. She told me I would be good for him! Why? Wasn’t she hurt to back me up to date her own lover? Why would she hurt herself for me?

She suddenly felt guilty, but why? It is her the one who’s hurting right now. It is her who is betrayed. It is her to suffer from all this cheap drama!

She went back to the table just to find him looking at her with a smile on his face. You are disgusting! “I’m going home,” she said taking her purse. She took out several bills from her purse and tossed them to the table in front of him.

“Wait,” he did the same and ran after her. “At least let me give you a ride.”

She kept walking.

“Please, wait!” he pulled her hand. She shirked away from his grasp and turned to face him.

“Go away!” she said. Her voice was trembling badly. “Go away before I start to scream!”

“Please, don’t do this!” he pleaded. His eyes were full with sorrow. But why? He is the evil! “I can’t lose you, please!”

The words slapped her right on her cheeks. “Why? So that you can still hurt me? Is it fun for you to watch me hurt? Is it some kind of an entertainment for you?”

“No, I don’t mean it like that!” He sighed. “Listen, you are my best friend! I don’t want to just end it like this. I still want us to hang out, to debate over silly things, to make fun of you until your face turns red like a tomato, to be with you when I need to tell all my problems. Don’t go!”

She laughed. Yes, it was funny! Funny how someone can say that when he doesn’t even love her and he loves someone else. “Ha!”

“Listen to me, buddy! If you want me to stay, you can’t be with her. But if you want to be with her, let me go!”

“I can’t,”

“You are one selfish little brat, aren’t you?” she narrowed her eyes. A frown formed on her face. “You have to choose! Because she is my best friend! I don’t want to hurt her,” she paused. “And I don’t to be hurt anymore.” she whispered still trying to hold on to her tears.

“Please,” he still went on begging her to stay. “I can’t lose you anymore. I know you are going to disappear after today. It is hard enough for me to let you go!”

“What about her? Don’t you care?”

“I’m not even going back to her,”

Liar. 

All I ask of you is just to choose,” she said softly. “I might disappear after today, but that is because I need some time. If you want to be with her, I am all happy for you both. My best friends are finally happy together. But I can’t let you to have us both. If you are my best friend, you have to let me go and be gone!”

He didn’t say anything.

She knew that was her time to go. No more of this. She’s had enough of this; of him, of life, of everything. She walked away thinking she will never fall in love again that easy. This makes her believe that a guy and a girl can never be best friend. She hates this world for being so unfair. But eventually, she will forgive but not forget. She has learned something and that is to never trust anyone but herself. She is moving on. She will, someday soon. She will be happy again. But for now, let her take sometime and grief. Before she gets back up and start everything fresh.

 

7/16/2016

I remembered that night.

The first time that we met,

you smiled at me,

my heart pulsated.

I remembered that day.

The first time we ever talked,

your voice was so gentle,

my body shimmered.

I remembered that morning.

The first time we laughed together,

your eyes shone so bright,

my head spun in circle.

It was a quixotic scheme,

that I will never erase.

One day you disappeared.

Where are you?

I need you!

Every time I kept saying goodbyes,

you wouldn’t let me.

You were there once again,

blocking my way.

I was trapped,

for the second time.

I was settled by your affection.

But you wouldn’t let me.

Then you were gone again.

I tried to run away.

You were suddenly right behind me,

pulling me into a deep trance.

I was in frenzy for the third time.

I pleaded.

I begged you to stay.

I didn’t want to disappear,

I didn’t want you to.

You would not listen,

would you?

Before answering,

you were gone again the next time I opened my eyes.

STOP THIS!

Leave me,

or love me!

Choose!

I knew you were scared.

I knew we both were.

We were lost.

But we could find a way,

I know we would.

But it’s too late, isn’t it?

What are we?

We can stop pretending.

We can try.

What’s the hurt from trying?

We got nothing to lose.

Or did we?

Please,

stop this whatever we are doing!

Whatever we are now!

Be gone,

if you wish.

Don’t come back!

Don’t ever come back!

I’m begging you.

 

The Lion Fell in Love With The Lamb 2

Parfume. Checked. Hair. Brushed. Lipstick. Who am I kidding? Lip balm. Now we’re talking and yes applied! 

“Where do you think you’re going?” my roommate asked me in her shower rob and a wet towel hovering over her head.

“Um…” I was nervous so suddenly like I was about to ask permission to my mom to go on a date.

“Well, have fun with him! Be home before 12 and be safe!” she put her hands on her hips.

I laughed. “Yes, Mom!”

***

It was wrong to leave out my jacket. It was a cold night for an early summer day. I thought we were going on a public transportation, but instead we were on a motorcycle now. I should’ve never worn this stupid black polyester shirt! The wind blew hard on my face, but it was kind of refreshing. And it was not that cold because I could feel the heat from his body radiating through mine when I put my arms around his waist. It was nice.

The smell of newly cooked butter in the popcorn machine hit me the second I stepped into the theater. I love popcorn. I don’t just eat it in the movies, but I eat it literally every time. He bought us the tickets, popcorn, and drinks which I insisted on splitting the money.

“I’m the guy here,” he told me. “The guy pays. The girl enjoys and be happy.”

“Oh now you’re referring to gender equality? Like us girls can’t pay like when we couldn’t vote back in 1900’s?”

He laughed. It sounded warm to my ear and I felt so overwhelmingly hot. Why am I sweating in an air-conditioned room?

“No,” he pushed me softly to our seats. “I asked you out, so let me pay. If you ask me out, I’ll let you pay. Deal?”

“Fine!” I said with a pout on my lips.

He laughed again. Argh, he needs to stop making me so nervous and acting up like a little girl!

The movie was all blank to me. I didn’t pay attention to it. We talked a bit during the movie because I kept asking him what is happening, who is that person, which one is which. I told him I never watched Iron Man 1 and 2, apparently it was a big mistake to jump to the 3rd movie without knowing anything.

“I’m hungry,” he told me after we were already on our way home. “Let’s eat!”

He brought me to this comfy place and I ate a hot chicken porridge. It was surprisingly delicious and I didn’t realize that I was hungry too until I took my second big bite. We finished up and I didn’t want to leave. I know where we were going next, our own place. On the way back, I felt sudden tears and a pang of guilt. I know why it was. It was because of the secret I have been hiding from the first time he ever texted me, that there was another Lamb waiting for me tomorrow to be killed. I should’ve told him before, but it was too late to have this kind of conversation in a short amount of time. So I’d shut up and promised to myself that I would tell him next time. He drove me off to my dorm.

That night I couldn’t sleep, my feelings were all mixed up. I was happy, confused, angry, sad, and guilty. We can’t be together! We can’t! This is all wrong! We will never work out! I mean, it’s not like we are getting serious or something. But I am tired of playing games and hurting people. Wait, but I am still playing this game. I am hurting him and yes someone else at the same time. I am killing two helpless lambs in one bite. I can’t even be with them both. I need to change my game! NO, I NEED TO STOP THIS GAME! I have to choose! I have to stop!

“Tonight was fun, thank you so much.” I saw his text popped up on my screen.

“No, thank you! I really really had a great night.” My eyes were both watering. I sobbed without noticing. Apparently I was crying and my roommate woke up. I told her it was just a nightmare.

“Go back to sleep, we have to get up early tomorrow!” she replied, half asleep. “We need to go before lunch because everyone wants to have a picnic before the sunset.” then she rested her head back to her pillow.

“I know,” I mumbled. I didn’t want to go, but I had to. The other Lamb is waiting for me, for the Lion, to devour him into the great maw. Because apparently the Lion is hungry.

“Why don’t you sleep?” he texted me back

“I can’t,”

“Me too.”

I can’t do this anymore.

“I have to get up early,” he was still texting me and I didn’t want it to stop.

“Why?” I replied as quickly as I could. I was scared that he’d fall asleep.

“To get an errand.”

Stop, I know what he’s going to say!

“Wanna come?”

Geez!

“Sure,” I’ve lost myself to my hunger.

“Great! I’ll pick you up at 8. Now sleep!”

***

I am making the fucking biggest mistake in my entire life. the Lion is starving and nothing can stop her from eating these lambs. I left before my roommate woke up because I couldn’t let her see me turning into a monster when I’m playing this game. I left her a note saying, I’ll be back before the group assemble in the usual spot.

Once again, heat radiated through my body when I put my hands on his waist. I could get used to his familiar smell and warmth. But I can’t let myself. Not in a million years I will surrender. It is too late for submission, no turning back, no changing lanes. I have to finish it, kill the lambs, and start fresh. I’ve got their arteries, all I need to do is to rip them out.

Everything was a blur until I found myself standing in an almost empty room. It was dark because the door and all the windows were all shut down. He was there standing in front of me, giving me a quizzical look. I know, I must’ve been blanked out. One step closer to killing this one little and innocent lamb while the other one still has no idea he will about to be killed next.

Finish it now or you’ll be sorry! Says the Lion in my head. Kill this lamb! I took a step towards him but he was not moving. Why didn’t he run? RUN! This is too easy, play a little harder! RUN you idiot! RUN before it’s too late! Why is he staring at me? Why is he not asking me to leave? Kill him slowly!

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

“They are all out of town,” he answered obediently.

“So you’re all alone today?” I asked again taking a step forward.

He’s not moving! Move you little Lamb! It’s a trick! It’s a damn dead trap!

“Actually, since last night…” NO! He took the damn bait! Don’t be foolish! NO!

“Then, why didn’t you take me here last night? Weren’t you lonely?” I smiled. I am disgusted with myself.

“I did think of that actually,” YES, HE IS TRAPPED! roared the Lion in my head. Kill him! You have another one to kill! 

“Well, where is your room? Aren’t you going to give a flat tour?” I giggled. This is the final bait. DON’T FALL INTO THIS ONE! RUN, LAMB! RUN!

“It’s upstairs and all messy. Come on, I’ll give you a ‘tour’!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS LAMB? Can’t he see my paw is already on his heart? All I need is to rip it out. Please, run away!

The Lion is laughing inside my head. When he opened the door to his own death, the Lion roared vigorously and full of victory. Kill him! KILL HIM NOW!

I pulled him in and closed the door behind us. I jumped to his soon-to-be grave and he followed without my command. One of my claw has already pierced through his skin onto his heart.

I pulled his collars and yanked his body on top of me. I put my lips on his as soft as I could, but the Lion ordered for more. The Lion suddenly transferred me the most powerful strength that I could never resist. I kissed him harder and he kissed me back. The second claw is now following the first.

I didn’t know what I had done but his clothes were already torn apart into pieces on top of me. That was me, you fool! Now don’t stop until he’s dead! I let him took off mine and we both knew something terribly wrong was about to happen. He should’ve known that I’m a bad girl. He is such a sweet boy, who fell into my deep charms. I need to stop, but I can’t. The lion gives me too much power. If I stop, I’ll be the one who’s dead.

He kissed my neck and I knew right then that my third claw has already on his heart. STOP! I have to hold myself back! But it hurts…

In just another minute we were half naked on top of each other. Sweating, but full with joy. I am about to kill him. The Lion is being fed but still hungry. The fourth paw has already on its spot.

“I think I know what it is,” he said to me catching a breathe. It hit me back to my senses. I NEED TO STOP! DON’T KILL HIM!

“What?” I asked him panting to grasp some air and to keep myself away from the Lion.

“I think I love you,” he laid beside me while breathing so hard like he has just finished a Basketball match.

“No, you don’t.” I replied in a raspy voice. I am pushing away the Lion.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not good enough for you,” yes, that is what a girl like me would say.

“You are more than anything to me. What makes you think that?” He turned his body on me and shifted his wight on his right side.

I couldn’t look at him because I was letting the Lion kill me. I am going to let the Lion devour it’s own self instead.

“No, you can’t say that! Please…” It hurts.

“Why?” he looked hurt too. But trust me, I was about to be dead.

“Because there is someone else, okay?!” suddenly the Lion’s last claw was in his heart completely. NO! We are both going to die because of the Lion. Because of me!

“I know who he is,” he smiled but it appeared so weak to me and it made the Lion happy. “But you can’t be with him. You guys will never work out…”

“Yes, neither will us! We will never work out too,” I started to cry. The Lamb noticed. He wanted to wipe out my tears, but he was dying.

“I know,”

“I can’t fall in love with you,” I told him. Can he see my face? The Lion is dying too. “But I already am.”

The Lamb was silent. “I know you have to go somewhere right now,” the Lamb’s heart is just one pull away from its death. “But please, stay…”

Aw, it hurts so bad! The Lion is killing herself and the Lamb.

“I can’t. I’m sorry, I have to go…”

As I put my clothes back on and rushed to the door, the Lamb was already lying in a pool of his own blood. While the Lion tried to run away to kill the last Lamb ever before she’s dead eventually, somehow she knows that she’s not losing. She has won. She has won over the Lion on her head by killing the Lamb the she fell in love with.

She finally broke free from her own animal. She has won. She would never have play this stupid game anymore to feed the Lion’s hunger game ever. Now that the Lion is going to be dead, she can fall in love and settle for good.

Before the Lion ran into the woods, she looked back one more time. The Lamb was there still lying in his own blood, lifeless. Then I cried for the last time full with agony but relieved to be free. All she will remember is how the Lamb set her free with the love that she will never be able to pay back. I’ve loved you and I will always be thankful to you.