How to handle your anxiety?

Anxiety.

It is a feeling of fear, worry, anger, sadness, disappointment on oneself and people in life. This all-in-one feeling will come attacking you during unexpected hours and in unexpected places. With a little bit of cold sweat and heartbeat racing inside your chest, making your lungs suffocate and impossible to grasp for air. Your pupils will expand and sometimes you will also experience nausea.

When the anxiety comes, you’re never alone. Even though you are hiding under the blanket in the dark or while driving back home from work, there will always be ‘the other’ you. You will be haunted by thoughts that have been haunting you for so long or sometimes your head is clear but you will hear voices of yourself saying all the negative things you didn’t do in the past. Blaming you, consuming yourself into another demon. Panic attack.

You will start to be frantic all of a sudden. You can cry. You can shout. You can shield both your ears with anything, but those thoughts and voices will still be there with you. You keep denying. You push them away as hard as you can. You put a huge barrier around. Until there is nothing you can do, but let them come and kill you off. Again. Once they are gone, you will be exhausted like you were running a marathon but really all you did was nothing but hoping they might stop. But wait, they will return and you will always try to fight them.

How did you know?

Anxiety has always been my enemy since two years ago.

What causes anxiety?

Anything, really. Situations. Environment. Society. Politics. Religion (that sometimes is related to politics). Economy. Human beings.

Sometimes another human being can be the most dangerous predator than animals.

This will be my first time opening up about my anxiety or GAD.

I am not exactly sure yet about having a GAD, but I have the qualified symptoms. I have been contemplating about going to psychiatrist or anyone for help really. But here is the thing, I have never gone. Why? Because I am scared of the truth and to be honest I am a little embarrassed. My biggest mistake. I needed help. I have only been talking to my closest friends that I trust the most, that I think my ‘secret’ will be safe with them. But they can’t always help me through all these panic attacks because they have no experience in handling people like me. They only can help me by providing great pieces of advice that sometimes I rebuff even though I know they are right because anxiety will never let you be normal.

Here is a little of the story of my anxiety.

I never really realized I had it until one night this huge and unbearable panic attack came. I have experienced a nervous breakdown before, like when I was about to talk in front of a bunch of people, but it was never really this severe. It was late at night, I was having insomnia as usual whenever I thought I was fine but actually, I was having anxiety inside my head but always denied it, I was listening to some music while playing Buzzfeed quiz (by the way, this is fun you know). There was nothing wrong, yeah I had some bad thoughts inside my head but I didn’t let them get into me by using my headphones and setting the volume quite high (kids, this is dangerous if you do this very often). My heart started to beat faster and cold sweats started falling down my neck. I was suffocating and my heart jolted several times making my chest hurt.

I was lying on my bed inside my room alone, in the dark, but everything became the opposite. Like I was in the middle of crowds, in a blaring light.

I started to panic. These demons, these thoughts started to get into my head because my power had been weakened and the music faded even when the headphones were still in their place.

“It was your fault he cheated on you!”

“You were never good enough for him, that’s why he left!”

“You are nothing compared to other girls! You’re not thin enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re weak, you’re just a piece of trash!”

“He never loved you! He even confessed he regretted dating you in the first place…you know what is worse? when he said it to the girl that you will never be able to compete! You should be ashamed!”

“You let all those bad things ruined your life in the first place and you never did anything about it, it’s your fault that your life is worthless!”

“You will never fit in anywhere!”

“You’re a fool! That is why they know you’re an easy prey to kill!” 

“People hate you. Nobody likes you because you’re too much to handle.”

“Stop making dramas out of nothing!”

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DID EVERYTHING I DID! as I screamed to my own self.

I cried and cried, I kept blaming myself. Until I no longer had the power to, I finally collapsed into lucid dreams that brought me into a deep sleep with pounding chest trying to rush in the oxygen that was being captivated in my throat.

What caused my anxiety?

Some people in my past that I no longer keep. A job that I no longer work at.

There are guys I fell in and out of love before in my life. But there is this one guy that turned me into someone I was never before. That triggered my biggest anxiety. I was always this careless girl. I was always an ignorant person. But this guy turned me into a whole new person. The opposite of my old self. Why did I change? Because I wanted to be good for him. Even though I had given all of me, EVERYTHING would never be enough. If I could give him my soul, I would. That was how much I used to love him. I thought I was happy, but it turned out to be otherwise. But you know what, I kept denying and denying. Deceiving myself, telling myself I was happy. But since the day I fell in love with him, I started to keep questioning myself “am I good enough for him?”. Then I found out about him cheating on me for enough time (say it started in the first month of our relationship. Hey, I have my sources so I know). Then, every night I always cried and cried asking harder “am I really good enough for him?” and I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I would wake up in the middle of the night just to cry myself to sleep, started losing weight, and my chest hurt from the oxygen I didn’t receive. Those demons were finally born inside my head at that time and stay there until now.

Such tragedy of love. That I thought fairytale love was real.

I knew deep down, deep inside my heart that I was never happy with him. I was never myself with him. I kept holding back. But even after I knew he was cheating on me, I still denied myself and telling me I was happy. Why would I do that? because if I gave in, that means the demons won. So, I always put on that fake smile every day.

On the other side of my life, my job was also such a pressure to me. I didn’t fit in there, the boss was an ass ( I am sorry for my bluntness). That job also made me the unhappiest I had ever been. But again, because I needed to be grateful for the job I had so I pushed myself to fit in. But the more I pushed, the more severe this anxiety became. As always, I denied myself telling me I was fine. It was not GAD, I didn’t have a mental sickness, I was happy and living my life to the fullest. I had a boyfriend that loved me (or so I thought) and a job that kept me alive. But everything was a lie, though as much as I knew it was true…I buried the truth deep in my head. The panic attack came more often. Coffee helps, it sets down my anxiety, so I drink more coffee every day. I know coffee probably is the worst medicine when having a panic attack, it increases the heart palpitations. But it eases the demons in my head and helps me focus on other things.

I used to have no friends to talk to because everyone seems busy with their own life. I couldn’t talk to my family because I didn’t want to make them worry and make them ask me to move back home. So I pushed myself, alone, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to quit my job and finally spoke to my parents (they really asked me to move back home because they are worried). The relationship ended (it was him who ended it blaming me for being myself and him cheating with another girl for the thousandth of times). Then here I am, taking my Master degree and went back to living with my parents care. But still is being haunted by these demons, but now it becomes less and less.

The past is still haunting me. The terror stays with me. It has already affected me in so many things (and not in a good way). I suddenly have a trust-issue, where I never really had before. It actually ruined everything. I have so many new friends but it is just hard to know which one that I can really trust the most. I met a new guy there that I never thought I could fall in love with. But I did. But because I keep seeing the past, that terror, I am too afraid to move forward. Whenever I tried to convince myself that it is okay, the anxiety gets to me more often. I get so panic easily. My chest hurts almost every day from the rising heartbeat whenever those demons start to show up inside my head telling me all the negative things. I didn’t let the demons win, so I walked out of the love I thought would help to heal my past. This time, it was not him who ended it… it was me. As much as I wanted to be with him, as much as I loved him, I don’t want this anxiety to win me over again. The demons keep telling me, that he is just like the other guy who hurt you, he will leave you, he will do the same things and much worse. It still hurts to see him everywhere I go. I do love him and I am hurting. But walking away from him helps to slow down these demons. So, I decided to be better off alone for sometimes.

So, how actually to handle anxiety?

First, you have to know what really makes you happy. If you don’t like math, don’t push yourself too hard on that. Just because your anxiety tells you that you’re weak because you can’t finish some stupid equations that can’t solve itself, it does not mean you are weak and worthless. It means that math is not your field, is not your thing. Don’t push yourself to be the best at it. As long as you can pass your grade in math, you’re safe! But instead of coping yourself with negativity, you can always try to be the best in doing things that you love to do. If you hate math and suck at it, but you like biology and good at it, then you should be more focus on biology and expand your love in there. Be the best in your field, your anxiety will never tell you that you’re not good enough.

Second, surround yourself with only some people that bring you happiness and joy. You don’t have to be with a huge group of friends that only creates dramas. Just be with a handful of people that can make you at ease, that can help you in handling your fears, that you trust the most, that brings out the best in you. Walk away from toxic people! Because toxic people are the ones that will only worsen your anxiety.

Third, help other people. Sometimes helping other people who experience the same kind of experience as you will help. The advice you offer to someone, sometimes would come from deep inside you and it was all you need for yourself but you never find it until you give it to someone else.

Fourth, embrace your anxiety. Don’t deny yourself anymore. If you’re unhappy then believe it. Once you believe it, then you can help yourself. If you know you’re unhappy, you’ll find the core to what makes you feel that way. So you can ‘fix’ it. Be happy, find a cure by doing something fun.

Fifth, if you can’t handle it yourself or probably it is too hard to bear, then find a professional. Find a psychiatrist! Before everything becomes too late.

That is all for today. I am so sorry for the long post, I hope this post will help.

 

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How to Not Hate Your Life

“How not to hate your life”

Here are some tips how not to hate your life.

  1. Do the things that you love : Remember, this is very different with “love what you do” because it is forcing you to be happy when you are not. Everything is always bad when it is being forced. It is not hard to do what you love, just simply do what you want to do and you are basically going to be the happiest person. But before you make your decision, you get to think of the consequences. Everything has its own risk and it needs your full responsibilities. I am going to give an easy example if you love cheesy fries and you crave for them every day and for every meal, you have to think for yourself what will cheesy fries do to your health if you eat them 3x in a day. If you love singing and want to be a singer, you know tongues are the best judges of all. How criticism will affect your mental health. You have to think for the long term. I love writing. Of course, I have to think about the consequences, the responsibilities that I cannot get away from.
  2. Do what you are good at when it comes to making money : You know you are good at Graphic Design, you should make money from it. There are ways, maybe you should consider applying for a job as a Graphic Designer or you can make your own business over it. Yet, this can be challenging. Maybe there will come a day when you are so effed by looking at your computer screen, squinting your eyes to make a perfectly straight line, or making the most eye-catching brochure. Well, everybody will be there soon enough because that means you are just doing the right thing.
  3. Do / Be what your heart desires : If your heart tells you to be a clown, so be it, if your heart tells you to go to the mall so do it. Even though sometimes your heart wants something strange, follow it! Trust me you will feel accomplished and at least you are happy and on the right path. If you feel like exercising, go hit the gym, go on a jog, or whatever. But if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to. Nobody forces you to (unless you’re on a program).
  4. Find reasons why you are doing it : Now if you know what to do and to be, find your reasons why you should follow what your heart desire. If you want to resign from your current job, find your reasons why. If you think your job is not giving you what you need like challenges or enough salary that you deserve, then why not? You are worth more than that. Or if you want to break up with your significant other, find a reason why. Is it because he/she cheating on you and you don’t want to give them any last chance? Or maybe because you feel like you are in a destructive relationship that is going nowhere and you feel like you are just wasting time with him/her? Fine, end whatever that needs to be as long as you have the right reason why.
  5. Have enough rest : If you are having a very hectic week, schedule at least one day from your weekend to take a full day rest. Just do nothing and be lazy for a day, it won’t kill your brain cells and make you become stupid or unproductive. Wake up late, stay in your bed for 18 hours, call for a pizza delivery, binge watch Netflix all day, or read a very good novel, maybe you don’t even have to take a shower (at least brush your teeth).
  6. Go have a day / night out : Don’t lock yourself in the same places every day. Office – home – office – home. Take one day of your weekend to go out, have a nice lunch, go on a picnic, or go shopping, or maybe you can visit pubs on Friday night if you have already scheduled for a rest on Saturday, or you can go out for dinner in a cozy restaurant on a Wednesday night.
  7. Keep in touch with your old friends : Arrange for a meet up with some old friends, catch up what has been left, talk about those good old days.
  8. Go on a date with your so : Haven’t been in any fun and romantic activities with your so because of that loaded paperwork? Have a spontaneous date night. Maybe on Monday night, to ease the next four days, ask your so to go on a fancy dinner or movie date. You don’t have wait for a celebration to go fancy dining, there will always be something to be celebrated for, your relationship, your children, your job that you love, anything. Or you want to cook at home and make something special? Put on those scented candles, spice it up a bit in the bedroom after home-cooked fancy dinner, just forget that weekend is still a long way to go.
  9. Surround yourself with the people who are grateful for your well-being : That means those people need you and they love having you to be around them. Surround yourself with these kinds of people, you will appreciate yourself more then.
  10. Be grateful : God loves those who are grateful. Being grateful that means you are accepting whole heartedly of what God has given you. It is like giving someone a birthday present and seeing them happy and thankful, you feel like you want to give them more. So, don’t forget to be grateful.

The Unexpected

There are two kinds of people on this planet;

  1. The one who’s expecting the unexpected
  2. The one who just lets the unexpected happens

I am both, I guess. I chase opportunities. But when they take some times, I usually back away slowly but leave my whole heart on the way hoping it will come again. Then boom, the unexpected happens when I am almost losing all hopes. I don’t know what God has planned, but mostly He writes my story with so much minor plot twists. They twirl my world a little bit too much in here and there, making a small hurricane without the storm.

You can imagine how much the life of a 22 year old has gone up and down. It fluctuates every five minutes. One minute she feels lucky, the next minute she is attacked by the series of unfortunate events. It can be anything! From the moment she opens her eyes and even before she takes the first breath, something will change quickly. Maybe she gets a text from a cute guy blessing her morning, or maybe even a break up text.

One night, the haunting hour has not yet passed by. The phone in my hand kept ding-ing with the multiple texts from three people at the same time. One text full of jokes, gossips, and curses. The other text full with recalling back happy memories. The last text full with one-sided arguments and recriminations.

I cried and then laughed. Then when there were spare times away from them, I’m brooding. Looking up at the ceiling, staring at the flowery beam around the lamp, thinking I might end one of the conversations, having enough plot twists for one night. The texts of jokes, gone without closure. The texts with memories, never been opened since. So I decided to finish the arguments instead, anyway I never like it to sleep with a head full of thoughts.

A small plot twist. The arguments turned into my breaking point where I no longer believe in the future. One thing that flipped it upside down, the proof of a chance to find a long lost human being that was once my whole world but a tornado blew him away. One future closing up, another one coming in ahead. Maybe, just a 0.50% maybe because it had to get through a bumpy road up and down some hills.

Another small plot twist. The arguments continued without ending, even after ignoring seemed ruthless. A small pop-out on my screen turned the frown right-side-up, creating a heat that caused blush. In a single click, I know what I had to do! To make more plot twist, but this one was the biggest of all. The major one and I knew my life would change forever. I threw away the only toxic in my life and I could feel a load of burdens lifted up from my chest. If you are a woman, you would probably know how it feels. You know that feeling of freedom and relieve when you finally take off your bra after 12 hours? I know right?!

Then, yes I took small and careful steps to take the risk. I am not the kind of person who is scared of being alone. I rarely crave for a relationship, I am the other wise. I always have been in chains longing for liberty. But I still considered gambling to win the war I had lost once, seven years ago. I have had taken the same chance when God cracked open the door a little, but my move was reckless and aimless. I hit the door instead of entering, he was gone again by the time I stood back up. Then, I waited… waited… until God opened the door big enough for me to slip in smoothly.

“Hey, how are you? It’s been so long since the last time we talked.” 

I knew it, waiting patiently would finally make everything worth in the end. God is opening so many doors and behind each of them are the plot twists you can make your own self. Big and small. The biggest plot twist in my entire life (yet), the return of a missing human being. It sounds simple, but if you know how I had lost all of my hopes but still leaving my whole heart with that person, this is a triumph almost like a lifetime achievement. Well, because it takes a lifetime for me to be able to reach for it. Once I have it in my hands, it will always remain there.

So, hold on to the unexpected. Hold on to your dreams. When you almost lose all hopes, back away a little, slowly, but if you think your heart belongs there then leave it somewhere along the way. Someday it will find the way back to you along with the dreams you almost gave up on.

Be both kind of person. Expect and let it happens when the time comes.

Persevere, my friends!

What makes a person happy? Define happy!
What do you think a happiness means? Is eating your favorite food a happiness? Is sleeping early after a long day a happiness? Is working in a company with high salary a happiness? Once again, define what happiness means!
For me, happiness is when you are living your life the way it is supposed to be. Do you understand what I am saying?
Living is easy, but surviving is a different kind of matter. If you think your life is what you define happy, are you doing what you love? or are you just being grateful? Being grateful is important, but if you do it just to love what you do, you are not happy. At all.
People sometimes say, “I am happy with my life and I am grateful for what I have right now.” Yeah, by that it means there are still things in your life you wish to fulfill but you can’t because you stop reaching for it somehow to be grateful. Be grateful, but do not stop reaching for things you want to achieve and how you want to live your life.
It is easy for me to say that while I am still not happy with my own life, I know. How can I even say this such thing? Because I am trying so hard to get my life together.
Why am I not happy with my life? Maybe because I am not living in grace? NO! I am grateful that God still gives me so many opportunitiies to take, to give so many second chances, to help me through my depression. But do you even question why God still offers that many opportunities for you to take? Because God believes that you can lead yourself into what you called happiness by yourself. In the end, all the choices are for you to make.
If you are a fresh graduate, take some times off from the outside world. Give yourself a little credit, or in other word a reward, after wasting your sleep for 12 years! Take naps, take trips to anywhere you want, go to the beach or go camping, stay home all day or all week finish that tv series you have been wanting to watch, stay up all night scrolling through your instagram feed or binge watch Netflix, read a Trilogy, wake up very late that you miss your breakfast and it becomes a routine not to have one, exercise as much as you want (it is time to get your shape back!), take classes like cooking class or Spanish or anything really, basically do all the things you can before you go back to ruining your life. Once you go back to having morning – night routines every five days in a week, you will never be truely enjoying more of your years. Youth is far beyond your reach and you will never get it back. People say, “Ah youth, you’re still 20 something, you are still young and free.” YOUNG AND FREE? Who are you calling young and free? I can only see a destitute human being who hates her life. Yeah well, age does not lie but the experience in your life does. I am still 22 (soon will be 23. Yikes!), with small figures like a 15 year old (some part of my body won’t grow along the biological infancy of a human being), but I’m dressed by the Law of maturity looking like I am a 30 year old woman, living my life daily like a 40 year old. Really, on the inside I am screaming to put on those ripped jeans everyday with my knackered converse and hanging out with friends at the beach with my H&M two piece.
But remember, you know it won’t last forever. You can’t always have fun without income. Unless, you know how to make money by doing really nothing at all, then sure why not!
Give yourself a time limit. 3 months – 1 year would be enough. By the time you are resting from reality, you will figure out what you want to do, who you want to be, and what kind of action you must take next. You will plan out a whole future ahead of you under your own command.
The mistake people often make is that once they graduate University, they go straight to focus on applying for a job (any kind really) that they nearly forget about their own mental health. Those vacant days of theirs are filled with stress and burdens for not having a job, they forget to fill them with some fun. They are often jealous watching their friends sitting in front of a computer all day thinking about vacation with a proper sleep and rest, hey those with no jobs still can have the opportunities that all the employed friends desire! Enjoy while it lasts!
Now, onto the employed and lifeless friends. Are you really okay with your job? Are you really enjoying your Monday? If you already hate a Monday, that means you are not okay with your job. If you are already complaining on Saturday night thinking that tomorrow is your last chance to have a rest or hang out, you should think twice to stay in your job. Consider taking another chance to have your life planned out but you still can enjoy it. Here is what you have to ask yourself, “How not to hate Mondays?” because if you can start to embrace just one day, the rest of the days will not be a problem.
I have friends both who hate their jobs and who love their jobs. Me? HAHA I am in the category of ‘Those Who are in Identity Crisis’ I will not lie, I truly deeply honestly hate my job. But I don’t complain as much as I used to (my first mistake is that I am just like all of those fresh graduates who are too eager to cut off youth in order to grow up so fast).
I realize that people who hate their job but they stay anyway are the kind of people with this mind, “I have to stay in this job if I want to survive!” it is all about money. You can always find money, but your own sanity is more important. My friends who love their jobs, I still cannot relate to them. I envy each and every one of them to talk about how their jobs are hard but worth the fight. The boss that is so nice you can’t possibly hate him or her. The colleagues that you always hang out with every night after work and on weekends and never really talk about how shitty their job is. I want that kind of feeling and experience, when they wake up every morning with a little a smile and a little bit of joy to survive another day. I want to be blessed, too.
My friends who hate their jobs, those I can easily relate too. Some of them have already quitted, some of them still stuck. We have the same opportunity to change our lives, from little scraps like finding a good job that will fit. I just realize, that those who are not enjoying things at work are the people who live under someone’s expectation but still push more. Persevere, my friends. Take all the opportunities you can get, improve, and just do what you love. Live your life well. If you hate your job, just quit! Don’t stress yourself so much. If you find no reason to stay, then why are you still reading this in front of your computer screen stealthily so that your boss will not find out you have been procrastinating your work?! Go out there, find your life purpose, find your happiness, find yourself! Be happy. Do not let anything or anyone hold you back.
Good luck!

Wrong Crowd

Guys, guys… I just want you to listen and sing along this song. Okay? I love this song so much and you guys are gonna love it too.

And my mother is standing beside me
As I’m packing my bags in the car
She says please boy no more fighting
Oh it’s only gonna do you harm

But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd

Ohhhhhhh my boy

And my brother is standing behind me
As I’m slowly going out my head
He says you know those people don’t like me
Why d’you wanna be one of them.

But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd

Ohhhhh I wish I could find somebody
That my mother would like
Oh I wish I can find somebody
That could treat me right

But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
But I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd
I can’t help it, I don’t know how
I guess I’ll always be hanging round with the wrong crowd

Half Moon Run

So, this morning I will share about my other favorite indie folk band. This Canadian band is called Half Moon Run(from the tittle of this post). This band had signed in 4 different record labels in different countries. This band was first active in media in 2010 and had already released 2 amazing albums!

Their first debut Album released in 2012, Dark Eyes, which a year later the song of Full Circle was used as the credit opening song of Assasin’s Creed IV: Black Flag game’s trailer.

Their second album was released in 2015 called Sun Leads Me On.

These are the songs which I personally like the most from both albums combined and not in particular order;

Check them out and tell me which are your fav songs!

Right or Left?

Life gives you choices. Each one will lead you to a different path. Your future is right ahead. If your life gives you only one right and one left, which way will you choose? Each way will have different kinds of impediments, barriers, obstacles, and sometimes dead turns. Before you even consider to pick one, Life tells you that once you point your selected way there will be no turning back. You can only choose once in your lifetime and you only have one chance.

The right way will lead you to Narnia. The never-ending dreadful winter. Aslan, the only help is gone missing. Your only friend is the faun, Mr. Tumnus, he can’t provide you much but friendship and loyalty. Your biggest fear is the cold. Your biggest enemy is the White Witch. Your hitch is a war you have to battle. Your only drawback is an unarmed troops. But Life guarantees you a kingdom, a castle Cair Paravel, devotion from the people, and a praiseworthy throne.

The left way will lead you to Hogwarts. The world of magic which includes the dark one. You are going to be confronted with everyday slurs and adoration from everyone around you. Someone might even want to challenge you. Albus Dumbledore who is your guidance and a powerful companionship has very limited energy to fight beside you. Your only friend is a magic wand. Your biggest fear is the dark. Your biggest enemy is You-Know-Who. Your hitch is your own life to keep. Your only drawback is the past. But Life guarantees you love and friendship.

“So, where will you go?” Life asks.

You hold up your hand.

You extend your point finger.

You shift your body towards the way you are going to choose.

And then you start walking without looking back.

You will never do.