The long ombre hair, the vibrant matte lips, bohemian kind of clothes, and round white-framed glasses. It is like I am looking in a mirror. The differences are that she is six cm shorter than me, more slender, and not prettier than most women. What she says is what I said, all the things she does are what I did in public, but whatever she feels will not be the same feelings that I have. She can copy me or either way. But my life will always be mine and she can never take it for granted. If she can copy me but still cannot be me, what’s the fun?
There are two kinds of people on this planet;
- The one who’s expecting the unexpected
- The one who just lets the unexpected happens
I am both, I guess. I chase opportunities. But when they take some times, I usually back away slowly but leave my whole heart on the way hoping it will come again. Then boom, the unexpected happens when I am almost losing all hopes. I don’t know what God has planned, but mostly He writes my story with so much minor plot twists. They twirl my world a little bit too much in here and there, making a small hurricane without the storm.
You can imagine how much the life of a 22 year old has gone up and down. It fluctuates every five minutes. One minute she feels lucky, the next minute she is attacked by the series of unfortunate events. It can be anything! From the moment she opens her eyes and even before she takes the first breath, something will change quickly. Maybe she gets a text from a cute guy blessing her morning, or maybe even a break up text.
One night, the haunting hour has not yet passed by. The phone in my hand kept ding-ing with the multiple texts from three people at the same time. One text full of jokes, gossips, and curses. The other text full with recalling back happy memories. The last text full with one-sided arguments and recriminations.
I cried and then laughed. Then when there were spare times away from them, I’m brooding. Looking up at the ceiling, staring at the flowery beam around the lamp, thinking I might end one of the conversations, having enough plot twists for one night. The texts of jokes, gone without closure. The texts with memories, never been opened since. So I decided to finish the arguments instead, anyway I never like it to sleep with a head full of thoughts.
A small plot twist. The arguments turned into my breaking point where I no longer believe in the future. One thing that flipped it upside down, the proof of a chance to find a long lost human being that was once my whole world but a tornado blew him away. One future closing up, another one coming in ahead. Maybe, just a 0.50% maybe because it had to get through a bumpy road up and down some hills.
Another small plot twist. The arguments continued without ending, even after ignoring seemed ruthless. A small pop-out on my screen turned the frown right-side-up, creating a heat that caused blush. In a single click, I know what I had to do! To make more plot twist, but this one was the biggest of all. The major one and I knew my life would change forever. I threw away the only toxic in my life and I could feel a load of burdens lifted up from my chest. If you are a woman, you would probably know how it feels. You know that feeling of freedom and relieve when you finally take off your bra after 12 hours? I know right?!
Then, yes I took small and careful steps to take the risk. I am not the kind of person who is scared of being alone. I rarely crave for a relationship, I am the other wise. I always have been in chains longing for liberty. But I still considered gambling to win the war I had lost once, seven years ago. I have had taken the same chance when God cracked open the door a little, but my move was reckless and aimless. I hit the door instead of entering, he was gone again by the time I stood back up. Then, I waited… waited… until God opened the door big enough for me to slip in smoothly.
“Hey, how are you? It’s been so long since the last time we talked.”
I knew it, waiting patiently would finally make everything worth in the end. God is opening so many doors and behind each of them are the plot twists you can make your own self. Big and small. The biggest plot twist in my entire life (yet), the return of a missing human being. It sounds simple, but if you know how I had lost all of my hopes but still leaving my whole heart with that person, this is a triumph almost like a lifetime achievement. Well, because it takes a lifetime for me to be able to reach for it. Once I have it in my hands, it will always remain there.
So, hold on to the unexpected. Hold on to your dreams. When you almost lose all hopes, back away a little, slowly, but if you think your heart belongs there then leave it somewhere along the way. Someday it will find the way back to you along with the dreams you almost gave up on.
Be both kind of person. Expect and let it happens when the time comes.
*note : this post is based on my own opinions. So if someone is offended or have different opinions, please speak up.
Me, one of the Introverts standing between Extroverts, trying to survive in such a cruel world.
Someday I would love it being an introvert, the other day I would envy the extrovert.
Being an introvert isn’t all bad and isn’t all pleasing at the same time either. Being an introvert is…complicated. Living in the world with classes is hard. You will never be equal, I mean everyone is different. But why is it hard for us introverts to fit in with society like extroverts can easily do?!?!
No extrovert can understand what us introverts feel and think!
Here are some negative and positive points of being an introvert.
- When people ignore you, you won’t get hurt as much as extroverts will. Because you know why, introverts like to be invisible. We tend to be oblivious and sometimes people will never realize about our existence, not until we make a sound.
- Introverts are calm and quite. So when people get tired of dramas, an introvert can be a good companionship and sometimes a good human diary.
- We don’t mind being alone and doing everything by ourselves. Because introverts hate loud people. So, when we are put in a condition where we have to deal or do anything alone, there’s nothing to worry about.
- I’m not so sure why, but most in my case people tell me that introverts give the best advises. We have our own thoughts. We are so unpredictable. Though we don’t express more of our feelings, always stay away from crowds and dramas, never put ourselves in public, but an introverts can be a good examiner. We see everything that happens around us because we’re invisible. We know what is going on. We know how to give advise, or even though we can’t, we’ll always be a good listener.
- We will never be bored. Or if we do, we can always find something small for entertainment. We don’t need to move around so much, spend money on things we see, we don’t even need to get out. We can simply just chill in front of our laptop, surfing the internet, writing, reading, watching movies, or just enjoying a hot cup of tea while day-dreaming. Anything can become an activity.
- Introverts can be a good friend for everyone because we tend to be loyal to someone that we care the most. We don’t socialize much. Making friends is the hardest part we have to do in life. But once we have some close friends, we will never hurt them or betray them. We will protect them. Imagine dating an introvert, you’d be treated as a king. (Well, not really LOL)
- If you ever hurt an introvert by accident, just give them sometimes for themselves and they will forgive you no matter what. But they will always remember.
- Like number 6, introverts are loyal. Though introverts hate to be the center of attention, or just to be in a place where there are more than 4 people in the room, once we find someone so close and dear to use, we will never let go. How badly you treat us, we will always forgive and stay although we might never forget, because for us finding the perfect one is such a life-time achievement. I mean, going out there talking to someone is already hard enough. We will treasure that person, but we have limits. We know when to let go or to keep on holding on.
- Introverts are creative. It doesn’t mean that extroverts aren’t. But the way we think is different from most of other people out there. This one is hard to be explained, but I don’t know why most introverts are just creative, and weird… but in a cool way.
- Introverts are smart. That does not mean extroverts are stupid. Sometimes extroverts can outsmart introverts. People judge us introverts as weird and probably stupid because we never say anything in class, give an argument, or correct someone when they make mistakes. But we’re not. We just don’t talk, we think. Because introverts has the loudest minds then those who speak too much. (no offense!) because we prefer to be silent when we don’t know or do, rather than saying wrong things and being too cocky about it which will only make you look dumber.
- We’re too sensitive. I know when I say introverts are like being to be left alone, but sometimes we want the world to know that we actually exist too. Especially when an introvert has an extrovert best friend. Urgh, that is just hard! Because you will only be more invisible. We can get hurt too you know if someone is ignoring us too much or and too far. Like, HELLO? CAN YOU SEE ME? I’M RIGHT HERE TOO, BREATHING AND ALIVE!
- It’s hard to put our thought into words. Like when people ask about how we feel, we’re just going to say that we’re fine which is a lie. Because expressing ourselves, telling the truth about how we exactly feel is harder than to peel of a potato using a spoon. We don’t care about how you feel, and we’re scared if we’re going to tell how we feel and no one will care is a nightmare for us. Because introverts are just TOO SENSITIVE!
- Making a friend is hard, let alone to be famous. We’re not confident enough. Why? because I think being invisible will be a lot easier than to be apparent, no one will judge a non-existent human being. You will never be judged. Because no one knows that you’re actually alive. But this will be a bad thing, in terms of love and friendship. It’s hard to get a boyfriend and friends (at least loyal ones)
- We’re never a good leader. Because it connects with number 1-3. Think about it…
- Introverts always expect the bad out of the good. We don’t expect too much, though we dream as high as a skyscraper. Or we’re more like, pessimist. We’re scared of falling too deep and too hard.
- We will always ask ourselves this for the rest of our lives, “Am I brave enough to do that?” “What does it feel like to be the center of attention, to have so many friends who care, to be (at least) someone’s favorite, to be the first choice?”
- We will never know how to be an extrovert
- We will always envy extroverts
- We will always be the sidekick
- Sometimes we pity ourselves to be all alone all the time because your extrovert friends will always have someone else to hang out with, and we will blame ourselves for not making enough friends and for hating everyone too much.
I guess, in the end it depends on your own self. If you enjoy being an introvert that’s okay. But people can change. Depends on how environment effects your attitude, behavior, your life. Depends on how you see the world from your perspective.
If I’m wrong, please correct me.
If you’re agree, thanks…
This is just one of my opinions about something. People are allowed to have their own opinions, aren’t they?
When you have a guy best friend, never expect one of you will not fall into the black magic that is called love. There is no friendship between a guy and a girl. No, there is no such thing. Yes, deny it all you want! She knows you don’t believe it. But please, trust her on this, she did not believe it too at first.
“So, how are you?” he asked. What is wrong with him? They were just talking to each other last night on the phone.
She sat there across from him. The food between them were starting to be cold. The salmon on her plate was awry cooked. She could tell by the pinkish color on the bottom. Talk to me! You’re just spitballing here and I want to know whatever it is that you are hiding!
“Are you going to talk to me or not?” he asked again and this time he was staring deep into her eyes.
She shifted on her seat uneasily. “Yes,” she replied without looking directly at his face. “What are we going to talk about?”
“Anything you want,” he smiled knowing that she was still keen to respond.
You asked me out, therefore you are the one who needs to talk! Oh my God, he is such a buffoon! She knew there was something insignificantly fishy when he asked her out for lunch. They are best friends or were, well she thought it was something more than that between them. She always has thought of that. Almost five years they were going nowhere. He treats her so well, like no best friend would treat each other. She feels like a princess whenever they are together. He teases her like a brother to his sister. He takes care of her like best friends. They fight like a couple. But none of those seems real for her right now. They were there, physically, like two strangers on a disastrous blind date. She knew she wouldn’t want to be there if it wasn’t because of her curiosity. Not only that, but it was because she cares.
“So, why are you taking me out?” she asked him with no suspicious tone in her voice. Like she already knew what will happen but still wants confirmation.
“What do you mean why?” he looked hurt. Well, he should be. “I just want to have a nice lunch with you. Is that wrong?”
Yes, it is wrong. You don’t usually ask me out for lunch, I mean just the two of us! We usually go with seven other people because you never want to be just the two of us! Why is that so wrong? Are you disgusted when people stare at us and think we are as a couple? Am I that disgraceful to you? I know I am not pretty like other girls you always have a crush on. Geez, are you going to give me a lecture about something?
“No,” she replied after having a debate in her own head. “Not at all. It’s just…”
He bent over slightly.
“It’s just not you,” she giggled awkwardly. “It’s just unusual.”
He laughed, like really laughed. She stomped a little in her seat.
There was an awkward moment. He cleared his throat.
“So, who’s hitting on you at the moment? Come on, tell me about this guy…”
What was that supposed to mean? “No one,” she replied.
“You sure?” he teased her, but she is not up for a game right now.
There is nobody that can make me fall in love like you do. “I swear! To be honest,” she was itching from the words in the tip of her tongue. “No one deserves condign affection from me. They didn’t give me that comfort feeling, not like you do to me.”
There was another awkward silent again.
“Well, what about you?” she took control the whole situation. She is like a tigress, trying to pretend that she is strong but she is actually scared. “I mean, what about all that girls you used to tell me about?”
He moved uncomfortably in his seat. She knew he was hiding something. “I’m done with them.” he said plainly. But in his last tone, there was something else. His eyes were telling her that she should be ready for what’s coming next. “But there is someone,” he finally said after taking a long deep breath.
“Who?” she asked in agony.
“You don’t know, do you?” He smirked. What was that for?
She shook her head so very slow and he didn’t notice.
“You know her very well,” he mumbled with his head bowing so low. He played his fork in his left hand but he was staring at his half-eaten food. “She’s one of us.”
She tried to recall all the girl’s names in her group. Well, there were only five of them including her. Two are taken, it left her with two other girls. At first, she had this thought that it might be her. Maybe he was about to confess his feeling towards her. Really? She could feel a little joy in herself.
But this is all bogus! It can’t be me! But he is so nice to me today, and that is what makes it all so fishy. I mean, why would he wait until now to just say if he loves me? Why not years ago?
“She’s one the closest to you,” he suddenly said like knowing she was being too self-conscious.
The closest? It is you imbecile little moron! But I guess, it is supposed to be a girl then?! Wait… Oh my God…
“Since when?” she asked in a low voice. She almost screamed, she meant to. But her self-control wouldn’t let her and instead she whispered. A whimpering sound came within her.
He was contemplating at first, but told her everything. He found out that he likes her three years ago. He doesn’t explain how and why he likes her. He told her their little getaway to the most beautiful place and all. He also told her that she felt the same way, but she couldn’t tell her best own best friend because it might hurt her. Yes, it does hurt! All she could do was listening and nodding, smiling even. But inside her, there was a battle. A part of her wants to scream and run away, the other wants her to cry and explain everything to him. That she is still in love with him, she is still waiting for him, she is still hoping for a fairy tale ending, and most of all she still wants him.
“Are you okay?” he asked when she didn’t respond anymore.
she felt the tears prickled in the corner of her eyes. She stood up abruptly, her chair made a squeaking noise it makes him cringed. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she rushed to the back. Some people stared at her when she passed their tables.
Why her? Why not any other girl out there like before? Why my own best friend? I told her everything about him. I told her about this devastating date. I told her EVERYTHING. She was also the only one who encouraged me to come to him first. She was the one who kept supporting me to be with him. She told me I would be good for him! Why? Wasn’t she hurt to back me up to date her own lover? Why would she hurt herself for me?
She suddenly felt guilty, but why? It is her the one who’s hurting right now. It is her who is betrayed. It is her to suffer from all this cheap drama!
She went back to the table just to find him looking at her with a smile on his face. You are disgusting! “I’m going home,” she said taking her purse. She took out several bills from her purse and tossed them to the table in front of him.
“Wait,” he did the same and ran after her. “At least let me give you a ride.”
She kept walking.
“Please, wait!” he pulled her hand. She shirked away from his grasp and turned to face him.
“Go away!” she said. Her voice was trembling badly. “Go away before I start to scream!”
“Please, don’t do this!” he pleaded. His eyes were full with sorrow. But why? He is the evil! “I can’t lose you, please!”
The words slapped her right on her cheeks. “Why? So that you can still hurt me? Is it fun for you to watch me hurt? Is it some kind of an entertainment for you?”
“No, I don’t mean it like that!” He sighed. “Listen, you are my best friend! I don’t want to just end it like this. I still want us to hang out, to debate over silly things, to make fun of you until your face turns red like a tomato, to be with you when I need to tell all my problems. Don’t go!”
She laughed. Yes, it was funny! Funny how someone can say that when he doesn’t even love her and he loves someone else. “Ha!”
“Listen to me, buddy! If you want me to stay, you can’t be with her. But if you want to be with her, let me go!”
“You are one selfish little brat, aren’t you?” she narrowed her eyes. A frown formed on her face. “You have to choose! Because she is my best friend! I don’t want to hurt her,” she paused. “And I don’t to be hurt anymore.” she whispered still trying to hold on to her tears.
“Please,” he still went on begging her to stay. “I can’t lose you anymore. I know you are going to disappear after today. It is hard enough for me to let you go!”
“What about her? Don’t you care?”
“I’m not even going back to her,”
“All I ask of you is just to choose,” she said softly. “I might disappear after today, but that is because I need some time. If you want to be with her, I am all happy for you both. My best friends are finally happy together. But I can’t let you to have us both. If you are my best friend, you have to let me go and be gone!”
He didn’t say anything.
She knew that was her time to go. No more of this. She’s had enough of this; of him, of life, of everything. She walked away thinking she will never fall in love again that easy. This makes her believe that a guy and a girl can never be best friend. She hates this world for being so unfair. But eventually, she will forgive but not forget. She has learned something and that is to never trust anyone but herself. She is moving on. She will, someday soon. She will be happy again. But for now, let her take sometime and grief. Before she gets back up and start everything fresh.
Parfume. Checked. Hair. Brushed. Lipstick. Who am I kidding? Lip balm. Now we’re talking and yes applied!
“Where do you think you’re going?” my roommate asked me in her shower rob and a wet towel hovering over her head.
“Um…” I was nervous so suddenly like I was about to ask permission to my mom to go on a date.
“Well, have fun with him! Be home before 12 and be safe!” she put her hands on her hips.
I laughed. “Yes, Mom!”
It was wrong to leave out my jacket. It was a cold night for an early summer day. I thought we were going on a public transportation, but instead we were on a motorcycle now. I should’ve never worn this stupid black polyester shirt! The wind blew hard on my face, but it was kind of refreshing. And it was not that cold because I could feel the heat from his body radiating through mine when I put my arms around his waist. It was nice.
The smell of newly cooked butter in the popcorn machine hit me the second I stepped into the theater. I love popcorn. I don’t just eat it in the movies, but I eat it literally every time. He bought us the tickets, popcorn, and drinks which I insisted on splitting the money.
“I’m the guy here,” he told me. “The guy pays. The girl enjoys and be happy.”
“Oh now you’re referring to gender equality? Like us girls can’t pay like when we couldn’t vote back in 1900’s?”
He laughed. It sounded warm to my ear and I felt so overwhelmingly hot. Why am I sweating in an air-conditioned room?
“No,” he pushed me softly to our seats. “I asked you out, so let me pay. If you ask me out, I’ll let you pay. Deal?”
“Fine!” I said with a pout on my lips.
He laughed again. Argh, he needs to stop making me so nervous and acting up like a little girl!
The movie was all blank to me. I didn’t pay attention to it. We talked a bit during the movie because I kept asking him what is happening, who is that person, which one is which. I told him I never watched Iron Man 1 and 2, apparently it was a big mistake to jump to the 3rd movie without knowing anything.
“I’m hungry,” he told me after we were already on our way home. “Let’s eat!”
He brought me to this comfy place and I ate a hot chicken porridge. It was surprisingly delicious and I didn’t realize that I was hungry too until I took my second big bite. We finished up and I didn’t want to leave. I know where we were going next, our own place. On the way back, I felt sudden tears and a pang of guilt. I know why it was. It was because of the secret I have been hiding from the first time he ever texted me, that there was another Lamb waiting for me tomorrow to be killed. I should’ve told him before, but it was too late to have this kind of conversation in a short amount of time. So I’d shut up and promised to myself that I would tell him next time. He drove me off to my dorm.
That night I couldn’t sleep, my feelings were all mixed up. I was happy, confused, angry, sad, and guilty. We can’t be together! We can’t! This is all wrong! We will never work out! I mean, it’s not like we are getting serious or something. But I am tired of playing games and hurting people. Wait, but I am still playing this game. I am hurting him and yes someone else at the same time. I am killing two helpless lambs in one bite. I can’t even be with them both. I need to change my game! NO, I NEED TO STOP THIS GAME! I have to choose! I have to stop!
“Tonight was fun, thank you so much.” I saw his text popped up on my screen.
“No, thank you! I really really had a great night.” My eyes were both watering. I sobbed without noticing. Apparently I was crying and my roommate woke up. I told her it was just a nightmare.
“Go back to sleep, we have to get up early tomorrow!” she replied, half asleep. “We need to go before lunch because everyone wants to have a picnic before the sunset.” then she rested her head back to her pillow.
“I know,” I mumbled. I didn’t want to go, but I had to. The other Lamb is waiting for me, for the Lion, to devour him into the great maw. Because apparently the Lion is hungry.
“Why don’t you sleep?” he texted me back
I can’t do this anymore.
“I have to get up early,” he was still texting me and I didn’t want it to stop.
“Why?” I replied as quickly as I could. I was scared that he’d fall asleep.
“To get an errand.”
Stop, I know what he’s going to say!
“Sure,” I’ve lost myself to my hunger.
“Great! I’ll pick you up at 8. Now sleep!”
I am making the fucking biggest mistake in my entire life. the Lion is starving and nothing can stop her from eating these lambs. I left before my roommate woke up because I couldn’t let her see me turning into a monster when I’m playing this game. I left her a note saying, I’ll be back before the group assemble in the usual spot.
Once again, heat radiated through my body when I put my hands on his waist. I could get used to his familiar smell and warmth. But I can’t let myself. Not in a million years I will surrender. It is too late for submission, no turning back, no changing lanes. I have to finish it, kill the lambs, and start fresh. I’ve got their arteries, all I need to do is to rip them out.
Everything was a blur until I found myself standing in an almost empty room. It was dark because the door and all the windows were all shut down. He was there standing in front of me, giving me a quizzical look. I know, I must’ve been blanked out. One step closer to killing this one little and innocent lamb while the other one still has no idea he will about to be killed next.
Finish it now or you’ll be sorry! Says the Lion in my head. Kill this lamb! I took a step towards him but he was not moving. Why didn’t he run? RUN! This is too easy, play a little harder! RUN you idiot! RUN before it’s too late! Why is he staring at me? Why is he not asking me to leave? Kill him slowly!
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
“They are all out of town,” he answered obediently.
“So you’re all alone today?” I asked again taking a step forward.
He’s not moving! Move you little Lamb! It’s a trick! It’s a damn dead trap!
“Actually, since last night…” NO! He took the damn bait! Don’t be foolish! NO!
“Then, why didn’t you take me here last night? Weren’t you lonely?” I smiled. I am disgusted with myself.
“I did think of that actually,” YES, HE IS TRAPPED! roared the Lion in my head. Kill him! You have another one to kill!
“Well, where is your room? Aren’t you going to give a flat tour?” I giggled. This is the final bait. DON’T FALL INTO THIS ONE! RUN, LAMB! RUN!
“It’s upstairs and all messy. Come on, I’ll give you a ‘tour’!“
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS LAMB? Can’t he see my paw is already on his heart? All I need is to rip it out. Please, run away!
The Lion is laughing inside my head. When he opened the door to his own death, the Lion roared vigorously and full of victory. Kill him! KILL HIM NOW!
I pulled him in and closed the door behind us. I jumped to his soon-to-be grave and he followed without my command. One of my claw has already pierced through his skin onto his heart.
I pulled his collars and yanked his body on top of me. I put my lips on his as soft as I could, but the Lion ordered for more. The Lion suddenly transferred me the most powerful strength that I could never resist. I kissed him harder and he kissed me back. The second claw is now following the first.
I didn’t know what I had done but his clothes were already torn apart into pieces on top of me. That was me, you fool! Now don’t stop until he’s dead! I let him took off mine and we both knew something terribly wrong was about to happen. He should’ve known that I’m a bad girl. He is such a sweet boy, who fell into my deep charms. I need to stop, but I can’t. The lion gives me too much power. If I stop, I’ll be the one who’s dead.
He kissed my neck and I knew right then that my third claw has already on his heart. STOP! I have to hold myself back! But it hurts…
In just another minute we were half naked on top of each other. Sweating, but full with joy. I am about to kill him. The Lion is being fed but still hungry. The fourth paw has already on its spot.
“I think I know what it is,” he said to me catching a breathe. It hit me back to my senses. I NEED TO STOP! DON’T KILL HIM!
“What?” I asked him panting to grasp some air and to keep myself away from the Lion.
“I think I love you,” he laid beside me while breathing so hard like he has just finished a Basketball match.
“No, you don’t.” I replied in a raspy voice. I am pushing away the Lion.
“Because I’m not good enough for you,” yes, that is what a girl like me would say.
“You are more than anything to me. What makes you think that?” He turned his body on me and shifted his wight on his right side.
I couldn’t look at him because I was letting the Lion kill me. I am going to let the Lion devour it’s own self instead.
“No, you can’t say that! Please…” It hurts.
“Why?” he looked hurt too. But trust me, I was about to be dead.
“Because there is someone else, okay?!” suddenly the Lion’s last claw was in his heart completely. NO! We are both going to die because of the Lion. Because of me!
“I know who he is,” he smiled but it appeared so weak to me and it made the Lion happy. “But you can’t be with him. You guys will never work out…”
“Yes, neither will us! We will never work out too,” I started to cry. The Lamb noticed. He wanted to wipe out my tears, but he was dying.
“I can’t fall in love with you,” I told him. Can he see my face? The Lion is dying too. “But I already am.”
The Lamb was silent. “I know you have to go somewhere right now,” the Lamb’s heart is just one pull away from its death. “But please, stay…”
Aw, it hurts so bad! The Lion is killing herself and the Lamb.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, I have to go…”
As I put my clothes back on and rushed to the door, the Lamb was already lying in a pool of his own blood. While the Lion tried to run away to kill the last Lamb ever before she’s dead eventually, somehow she knows that she’s not losing. She has won. She has won over the Lion on her head by killing the Lamb the she fell in love with.
She finally broke free from her own animal. She has won. She would never have play this stupid game anymore to feed the Lion’s hunger game ever. Now that the Lion is going to be dead, she can fall in love and settle for good.
Before the Lion ran into the woods, she looked back one more time. The Lamb was there still lying in his own blood, lifeless. Then I cried for the last time full with agony but relieved to be free. All she will remember is how the Lamb set her free with the love that she will never be able to pay back. I’ve loved you and I will always be thankful to you.
I am a wolf that obsessed with love. I like playing games when it comes to the matter of hearts. I am addicted to men and their affection. I am greedy for lust. I never stay for too long. I don’t commit, I am as free as the wind. I walk away so easy and always leave trails. Breaking someone’s heart is what I do best. I ruin their lives before they do mine. I come and go. But a Lamb changed everything. The fictitious Wolf turned out to be a vicious Lion who likes to play with her food. One little and scared Lamb that will fall into a quarrel with the Lion’s hunger game. But the fracas between the Lamb and The Lion will turn into a fiasco. Will the Lamb fall into the Lion’s great maw? Or will them both die from a war they have to battle together in the end?
“He is staring at you,” my friend poked my back as she stood beside me.
I was staring at my phone in the downstairs lobby. I looked up to where he was standing. Gosh, look at him! I didn’t know that God can create such a perfect human being such as the one I am staring at. He wore a black shirt and the sleeves were rolled up to the biceps. I’m not sure why men are most attractive when they roll their sleeves up and show their perfectly toned biceps.
“Don’t stare back, you idiot!” my friend pushed me playfully. “And wipe out that drool!” she laughed a little bit too hard. Some students were staring but they continued walking without care.
“Shut up!” I told her but then walked away, hoping that he would not notice.
One dull evening, I was walking aimlessly waiting for a sudden lightning to struck me on the head, making a dramatic scene. I was almost jumping off of the bridge, which leads to my campus, from sheer ennui and I would be happy to do something chaotic. But instead, I ended up stopping in the campus lobby door. Well, I was all alone and had nothing to do so I stepped in trying to find someone I know to talk to. There was a good crowd in there. People handed out something, so I tried to get closer to one of them.
“Here, join us!” a girl came to me out of thin air and I was surprised. I was aiming the guy five steps ahead of me, but she suddenly was there right behind me. So I grabbed the pamphlet from her hand and tried to read it.
“It’s an exhibition,” she said before I could finish reading the first sentence of the title.
“Yeah, I can see that.” I replied. She didn’t catch my sarcasm and kept going on and on about the exhibition.
“Thank you,” I said when she stopped talking to take a breath. But I didn’t let her talk again before I fell into a deep sleep. “I would sign up there,” I told her when she put her best entreat expression. She is good, what is wrong with her? Maybe that is why they assign her in the PR team.
A girl in front of me scowled when I bumped into her. “I’m sorry,” I said with a vigorous grin. “Is this where you sign up for the exhibition?”
“Yes,” she didn’t return the chivalry I offered. “Please, don’t push!”
Geez, what is her problem?
I moved to the next line, which was apparently much faster.
I took the pen from the guy in front of me and started writing my name.
“So, you’re an epicurean?” the guy who sat before me asked.
“I’m sorry?” I looked up just to find him smiling with a funny look on his face. Urgh, he’s still here? I can’t breathe! Help I need my friend!
“Do you love gourmet and fancy delicacy?” He pointed to the pamphlet I was holding. Oooh, so this is a food exhibition!
“Yes, I love any kind of food especially expensive ones!”
He laughed. Why are my knees trembling and I’m about to faint? He still wore the same black shirt as this morning and he looked so exhausted.
“Well then you can write your name, student number, major and faculty, and phone number.”
“Yes, I’m about to.” What?
He laughed again.
“Okay, thank you!” I said too loud when I almost really fainted. Why is it so hot in here? Is the lobby on fire? Why all smoky? I got to get out of here!
He saw me leaving. I could feel a burning sensation in my back while he stared at me walking to the lobby door. I didn’t want to leave as much as he didn’t want me to. But, I had to before I went nuts.
The due date or deadline or whatever you call it of my paper is tomorrow, but instead I was putting on my faculty jersey to support my Basketball team on the tournament tonight. The opponent is our number one enemy, so the game will be a fervid one. I have to see it! All my friends have gone earlier to the court, so I have to walk or maybe run by myself. The game will be starting in 10 minutes and the distance from my dorm to the court takes 15 minutes at least. So, I started sprinting when someone caught up behind me.
“Run,” he shouted. “Run faster!”
He was already wearing his team’s jersey, the same as mine, with a big 9 in the front. Why 9? It’s not his birth month and day, and certainly not his age.
“Don’t wait for me, just go!” he shouted again. Well, I did run as fast as I could but I know he could easily ran past through me. But he jogged behind me and didn’t step up his pace.
We went to our own separate ways. I walked up to my seats where all my friends were waiting and he jogged down to his teammates. I couldn’t stop staring at him during the game. Alas, I didn’t really pay attention to the game and I was drawn to own little fantasy because of him. I couldn’t stop smiling and blushing. At the end of the game, my face was already as hot as a kettle pot and my lips were numb from smiling too long. At least we won!
My brain is shutting down at this late hour! It’s already 2 a.m and I’m still stuck at page 5. Three more to go, but it feels like forever to finish one simple paper about Syrian Refugees in Jordan. Yes, of course! I mean, I’m tired but I have to simply talk about how 520,000 Syrians are trying to survive in a stranger’s country or not that strange….
I mean, they are not in their home country and they are in hiding. Or are they?
What? Who can it be?
My phone vibrated next to my laptop. I wanted to ignore, but there was no name on the screen and I was up for a mystery when I’m stressed. Uuuh this could be a serial killer trying to warn me if I don’t go to sleep that he will kill me.
“Hey, you up?”
It’s a Whatsapp chat. Wait, is that really from him?
“What’s up?” I replied five minutes later. I was still not sure how I got his number or how he got mine.
“I thought you were asleep. Did I wake you?”
“No,” I need to put an extra emoji. Do girls use emojis these days?
“What r u doing?”
“Attempting to finish my paper, why?”
“Nothing. Just checking.”
“Why r u still up? Aren’t you tired from the game?”
“I can’t sleep. Oh by the way, thank you for coming to the game!”
Yes, how could I not! You are the reason I was there, well not really but half of it. What should I say now?
“When is it due?”
Thank God he was being initiative for asking me again. I think he is asking my paper due date, isn’t he?
“In less then 8 hours,”
“Well, get back to it then.”
“I can’t, I’m stuck! Argh, I need to have a bit of fun!” I didn’t mean to complain to him, but I thought I was talking to myself and instead I typed it and sent it to him.
“Well, I’m free tomorrow night…”
“Iron Man 3 is on. I’m dying to see it!”
There you go!
“Great, I’ll come pick you up tomorrow. Say at 7? Because I have a meeting till 6.30.”
“Sounds like a feasible plan!”
“Okay then, finish your paper and I’ll see you soon!”
Screw this paper! I have a date tomorrow and I have to get a good night sleep!
How funny it feels like when you are looking back to your past and see how much your life has changed over the years. I don’t see that girl anymore. The girl who used to haunt me. The girl with thick glasses and a tight Ballerina bun on top of her head. She’s never really gone from my life. She always there. Sometimes when I’m alone, or when the memories suddenly come back to me, I can feel her presence inside me. She is still there waiting to come out from her hiding.
I can’t barely even look at the old photos of the girl in my room. She doesn’t have much because she never appreciated what she had in her life worth captured. But it hurts me every time I realize that the girl was the same person as me. I still have her old belongings. Her over-sized sweaters and over dramatically thick jackets, her loose shirts which she bought from the boy’s section, leggings that have holes in them and Mom jeans. I still have her thick purple glasses which used to be her favorite. She wore them everyday to school but never on weekends. When I asked her, ‘Why are you wearing those glasses only at school?’ and she would reply, ‘Because I always look bad in the morning to go to school. My bed face will never fade at least until lunch. But if I take them off during lunch, my eyes will start to be blurry.’ Then she kept on wearing them for the past three years. She was proud on the thickness of her glasses. They were heavy and made her nose hurt at night. The thicker and bigger her glasses were, the better. When I asked why, she replied, ‘Because then the glasses will cover up half of my face. I feel invisible and it makes me feel comfortable.’
I was screaming for the past three years, ‘NO! NO! NO!’ I was in pain to hear that answer, ‘You can’t be comfortable when you draw back from the crowds! You have to be visible! Let everyone sees you, let them know you! You can’t live like this for the rest of your life!’
She didn’t. She disappeared. She’s been hiding in the place where people will no longer remember her. Everyone thinks she’s dead. Everyone assumes she never even existed in the first place. She is good at hiding or being invisible. She is now living in the moment called My Past. She is not dead, she did exist. She is still living inside me. Sometimes I can feel her taking control of my body, but it was just in a slight moment. I wanted her to get back out there again, let me take her hiding place, let’s switch again like before we went to high school. But she sometimes refuses, sometimes she just doesn’t want to hear me out.
That night, I was rummaging my old closet. Her clothes were all still there, taking most of my space. She had few, but it was the size that took up the space. I remembered that shopping for clothes was always her least favorite thing to do in the world. She would prefer to stay home and read fictions, or watch adventure movies while snacking her favorite chips. I asked her again, ‘Why do you hate shopping that much? Other girls love it, normal girls do it so often.’ She would answer in her raspy and weary voice, ‘Because girls buy things that fit them. Even they don’t need clothes that much, but they always look good wearing tight clothes. That is why normal girls shop. I’m not even normal. I don’t shop. Nothing fits in me.’
She was embarrassed to shop for clothes in boy’s section or pregnancy section without her mom. So, she usually let her mom do the shopping for her. But far too many times and for most of her girly clothes were a hand-down from her mom. She has this long flowery black dress that she loved so much. It was her mom’s. Her mom used to wear it in the early 1990’s during her three pregnancies. I was crying that night when I found the dress in my closet. This dress always looked ridiculous on her, it made her look old and……pregnant. But did she care? No. She felt beautiful in that dress. I tried it on for the first time ever after the girl was gone missing. The sleeveless dress kept sliding off of my shoulders. My lace bra popped out from the low V neck, showing me how she used to have enough breasts to be proud of. The dress covered up every less of my invisible curves. She could pull out the dress in her curves. She never agreed. She always called herself ‘fat’ ‘over-weight’ ‘plus plus size’ or ‘an obesity non-pregnant girl’.
She never loved herself. She always wanted to be beautiful like every other girl at school. But she didn’t even know what ‘beautiful’ means. She thought she did, beautiful means skinny. The more cheekbones and jaws appear around your face, the better. If your collar bones and ribs showed up in a tight dress, you are the most beautiful. The longer and thicker your hair is, you can conquer the world. More skin you show, more guys will ever fall into your beauty. More make up you put on, the sky will shine even brighter. The brand of your clothes take a huge part too. The more expensive, more popular you will be.
One night she cried in our room and talked to me.
“Why do guys have to be so mean to a girl like me? I know, I can’t fit in their girlfriend’s size. I know when I put on eye shadow and lipstick they will be calling me a clown. I know I can never wear mini skirts because they will be disgusted. I know it! I know what they think of me. I know that I am ugly, but do they have to be that mean?”
She sobbed. She meant it for a guy that she had a huge crush on. He was her classmate. He was not the most popular guy in school. He was the popular guy’s sidekick, never the hero. That what she likes about him. He stood out to be the helper, to be the number two (more to be the infinite number because he has tons of popular friends). He was the quite one in class, the geeky one, he was smart too. He was full of mystery. But he was also funny, because he tends to make silly expressions when he was lost in his own fantasy. He used to stare at the wall, blank-faced, and lips parted apart making a huge gap. He could stay like that for two hours. She always giggled finding him out in his trance.
He ignored her. He never talked to her, not even a single word. She never had the courage to talk to him first. But that day, she was assigned in a group of two with him and they had to share a book. He even barely wanted to come to the table next to her. When he did, he shoved away the chair and sit as far away as he could. She was hurt but didn’t show it. She nudged the edge of the book closer to him but away from her. He sat too far.
“Here, you can read it first.”
He stared at her for so long, but not in a sweet kind of way, but in a disbelief kind of way. When his friends started to tease him, he pushed the book back to her and never looked back at her. He stared at the blackboard in the front class the entire period and rushed out the door when he heard the bell started to ring.
The next day, she heard rumors that her crush was hitting on a freshman (they were seniors). Yes, she found out herself. He was staring at this tiny, cute, and princesslike girl in the far corner of the cafeteria. She was laughing with her group of friends, consisted of the most popular freshmen (of course). She wore a mini skirt and a mini t-shirt, were those her baby sister’s clothes?
Well, this world is never fair. She went home crushed that day and swore to anyone she would never fall in love ever again. ‘Why does it hurt to fall in love? I thought falling in love is everyone’s favorite time period in life,’ and apparently not everyone’s.
‘I promise, I will never be that kind of girl. I will never fall in love with anyone. I will never try to be beautiful and to be skinny. I don’t want to change who I am. I am never going to fancy make up, expensive and mini clothing, or act dumb to get myself a guy.’ I smiled though I didn’t know why to hear her eagerly and so determined to accept who she was.
I kept rummaging her old clothes that night until I forgot everything about her.
But now, something hit me, so hard like a car crash. She is not hiding all this time. I made her to. I locked her up. It was me this whole time. I pushed her away. Or it can be worse, I might have even killed her. I am running to the nearest mirror in the house and I am going to study myself there for hours.
I am her worst nightmare. I broke her promise. I have become the girl she never wanted.
I am trying to be the girl that she always hated. I made her disappear. Now, she’s actually gone! I can’t find her inside me! I’ve killed her! I’ve killed myself!
I am my own enemy…
A life goes by,
Romantic dreams must die.
So I bid my goodbye
And never knew.
My body was tensed as I heard those words.
My brain replayed the scenes from the past within the beats from afar.
My heart ached from the joyful remembrance.
So close to reaching
That famous happy end.
This one’s not pretend.
I rose up from the breech of my two-level bed, too fast I bumped my head into the bed stairs.
But those words chocked me up, I couldn’t gulp.
The humming behind the rhythm, the hiss within the lapsed lyrics, the pain for the unexplained tears inside my sleepless eyes.
Everything was perceptible. My whole body was observing its soul. It pulled me back in.
Oh how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
Without alert, the air around me pushed my senseless body to the door. My boneless hand tried to reached out for the key to be turned unlock. Even with my head shaking, I was seduced to breathe in the odor of old memories. I breezed like a snowman in a hot summer day at my lawn across from the blurry chants. My eyes were locked to somewhere only we know about, where I used to bundle myself with the giggles of hilarity. I flew away to another world of horror. My body shivered, my tongue tied, my eyes unblinking, I was ready to be slayed.
Let’s go on dreaming
for we know we are…
so close, so close
and still so far…
Everything stopped in one motion after your lips stopped the mundane warming voice, when the finishing line has reached its final timbre. The tears I held back, the pain I concealed, the heartbeats I halted, they were the ones which showed up the moment you realized something.
“Did I sing too loud?”
My mouth opened. It was dangling around the edges of my chin. But why would I be silent in the moment of truth?
“I’m sorry if I wrecked your hearing with my reckless voice.”
“No, it was beautiful as always. It was ear-catching. It warmed up my mind.” was that suppose to be me, saying it out loud, inside my head?
“I’ll stop singing.” You reached out for your ugly towel which was hanging between our destiny to catch each other’s glance.
“No, don’t stop! Keep singing the same song.” I couldn’t help myself from being so quite.
“Bye,” you about to close your door until I cried. Like a baby.
“I’m sorry for everything, for being who I am, for loving you.” My lips were trembling. I started to feel the snow in my palms which there was no any.
You popped back out between a small gap in your door. “Pardon?”
“I’m sorry for not being who I was supposed to be, for ignoring all the tenderness you tried to give me, for the caring questions that concerned you so much.”
“All that I wanted to be was a perfect dignitary for you, but it seemed to daunt you which terrorized me.”
“You are too perfect, it imperfect-ed me. I feel like I pushed you away from the crowd’s attention for being your imperfection. You were the queen and always will be. I was just a soldier, fought for your honor, not to be the king with your honor.”
“I couldn’t find you in my imperfection if you’re too perfect, even for my own perfection. You couldn’t fight for my honor because you owned it. I was not the queen because I was the war you had to battle.”
You sighed in misery.
“I know, you hoped I’d told you that once upon a time. I know, nothing can change now or ever. I’m just sorry.”
You smiled. “I’m sorry too. I wished the Berlin Wall between us could be demolished like the real one.”
I found a giggle in us.
“But what we have is not a Berlin Wall, it’s The Great Wall of China. How many times you tried to walk over it, it’s just going to lead you to somewhere else on your side. Unless, one of us jumped off of it and die. For me, that’s never been the solution.”
“So, I better stay and keep walking?”
I smiled though it hurts. But it hurts me more when you said everything like it was easy for me to take in.
“This song will remain so close from your heart to my eardrum. You put me into the song, you showed me this bitterly painful song. You are so close to me, yet too far for having you with me. You’re meant to be my ‘famous happy ending’, only if it’s a dream.”
For the last time, you smiled before that door closed alongside with my almost broken heart. I reached out once again, until I realized I hit my fingers into something hard. I faced the Great Wall of China in front of me, which I was rubbing now.
I finally visioned the yellow wall of my room, the iPod still repeating the song over and over until I unplugged my earphones and go back to sleep.
A hope is what makes people dream. To dream is to set a goal, a goal for achievement. The only process that can create a tangible triumph is a conviction of self-control. There is failure, which is a deterioration of success you verbally recognize. People telling other people that there is a hope you have persisted a life in cavernous. Seemingly to get back up is another way of breaching and likely to be futile. Because submerging in anguish lures the attention in and that way people can be so enamored. What will it be for a dream to be set and to be pursuit? A harm comes within the process of chivvying and guarantees a smile of honor. But what if you fall down and you are not keen enough to get back up? I mean, it is never too late to start everything from scratch. That hope is never bliss; it is the form of repudiation in a soft argument.