What Really Makes Your Life Miserable

You are having a severe disease, you are sick all the time but you have been taking your medicine everyday that you thought was healing you, but your health gets worse. You think that there is something wrong with your immune so you keep blaming yourself for every worst case.

What do you think is wrong? Have you ever really considered thinking that maybe the medicine is empowering the disease? Have you checked? If you have and you knew all along that the medicine is not good for you and is killing you but you keep consuming the pills because you believe that maybe it will heal you somehow and because you are already too dependent on it. You must stop taking the medicine!
It goes the same with your life. You know exactly what makes your life full of anxious, stress, and doubts. Because you keep surrounding yourself with toxic people. You keep them around you and you think they might change and make your life worth living. But the truth is, the longer you hang around them, the uglier your life will get. Stop thinking that you can be happy with them just because you are scared of letting them go. Some bad people will always stay bad until they have their lesson.
The only thing that can save you is yourself. You have to realize when it is time to walk out of their lives. Appreciate yourself for your own happiness. Always make sure that you come first, never put anyone else above you! Be selfish for sometimes. Stop taking that medicine, those toxic pills. Walk out and be happy! You deserve a happy life, even without anybody involved.
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Someone Better or Nothing at All

Have you ever experienced losing your loved ones? I have. I lost one of my older sisters to an accident and I was old enough to suffer from a great condolence. Some people lost their families when they were still an infant. Does the feeling still consider the same? But they won’t suffer as much because they barely knew the people who leave them behind. There were five, now it becomes just the four of us. We lost the middle child, the barrier between the rulers and the followers, and she was always the wisest among all of us. I was supposed to be the rebel in the house, but she always reminded me that I have to be a good example for the youngest brother. If I kept acting reckless, who would watch him when I was the only person left in the house.

Two of our oldest siblings had already been married and she was one step closer to graduation and leaving me in charge of becoming the oldest child. Yes, she did leave me in charge but why did she have to leave me so far away and a little bit too soon? She did not say she would leave for good! It’s no fair that nobody knew.
But with her leaving all of us, it taught the four of us to be more grateful for each other’s company. She brought us closer and she made us understand truely about the love of a family. We become more giving to one another and I can feel the presence of God among us whenever we are together during Christmas. God brings her along on this special day and we become whole again every once in a year.
I become more responsible with my actions. When I was still naive, I used to be so mad to everyone all the time. But she taught me how to forgive and to accept fate. People are still hurting me from every corner of my life, but then I will always remember the smile on her face. I thought I would cope in sadness for too long and that my life would be ruined. But look at me now…by accepting fate and forgiving all the guilts in this world I am standing still and tall in places I thought I would never be, receiving achievements that I thought was just for people who have not through enough pains to get there, and my life goals are crossed out one by one.
The lost of someone you love can be two things, I know it is an ugly experience and a deathly pain, but you can be either someone better or nothing at all. When you lost someone important in your life, God is teaching you to be ready for anything at all whether you like it or not.

How Not to Hate Your Life

“How not to hate your life”

Here are some tips how not to hate your life.

  1. Do the things that you love : Remember, this is very different with “love what you do” because it is forcing you to be happy when you are not. Everything is always bad when it is being forced. It is not hard to do what you love, just simply do what you want to do and you are basically going to be the happiest person. But before you make your decision, you get to think of the consequences. Everything has its own risk and it needs your full responsibilities. I am going to give an easy example if you love cheesy fries and you crave for them every day and for every meal, you have to think for yourself what will cheesy fries do to your health if you eat them 3x in a day. If you love singing and want to be a singer, you know tongues are the best judges of all. How criticism will affect your mental health. You have to think for the long term. I love writing. Of course, I have to think about the consequences, the responsibilities that I cannot get away from.
  2. Do what you are good at when it comes to making money : You know you are good at Graphic Design, you should make money from it. There are ways, maybe you should consider applying for a job as a Graphic Designer or you can make your own business over it. Yet, this can be challenging. Maybe there will come a day when you are so effed by looking at your computer screen, squinting your eyes to make a perfectly straight line, or making the most eye-catching brochure. Well, everybody will be there soon enough because that means you are just doing the right thing.
  3. Do / Be what your heart desires : If your heart tells you to be a clown, so be it, if your heart tells you to go to the mall so do it. Even though sometimes your heart wants something strange, follow it! Trust me you will feel accomplished and at least you are happy and on the right path. If you feel like exercising, go hit the gym, go on a jog, or whatever. But if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to. Nobody forces you to (unless you’re on a program).
  4. Find reasons why you are doing it : Now if you know what to do and to be, find your reasons why you should follow what your heart desire. If you want to resign from your current job, find your reasons why. If you think your job is not giving you what you need like challenges or enough salary that you deserve, then why not? You are worth more than that. Or if you want to break up with your significant other, find a reason why. Is it because he/she cheating on you and you don’t want to give them any last chance? Or maybe because you feel like you are in a destructive relationship that is going nowhere and you feel like you are just wasting time with him/her? Fine, end whatever that needs to be as long as you have the right reason why.
  5. Have enough rest : If you are having a very hectic week, schedule at least one day from your weekend to take a full day rest. Just do nothing and be lazy for a day, it won’t kill your brain cells and make you become stupid or unproductive. Wake up late, stay in your bed for 18 hours, call for a pizza delivery, binge watch Netflix all day, or read a very good novel, maybe you don’t even have to take a shower (at least brush your teeth).
  6. Go have a day / night out : Don’t lock yourself in the same places every day. Office – home – office – home. Take one day of your weekend to go out, have a nice lunch, go on a picnic, or go shopping, or maybe you can visit pubs on Friday night if you have already scheduled for a rest on Saturday, or you can go out for dinner in a cozy restaurant on a Wednesday night.
  7. Keep in touch with your old friends : Arrange for a meet up with some old friends, catch up what has been left, talk about those good old days.
  8. Go on a date with your so : Haven’t been in any fun and romantic activities with your so because of that loaded paperwork? Have a spontaneous date night. Maybe on Monday night, to ease the next four days, ask your so to go on a fancy dinner or movie date. You don’t have wait for a celebration to go fancy dining, there will always be something to be celebrated for, your relationship, your children, your job that you love, anything. Or you want to cook at home and make something special? Put on those scented candles, spice it up a bit in the bedroom after home-cooked fancy dinner, just forget that weekend is still a long way to go.
  9. Surround yourself with the people who are grateful for your well-being : That means those people need you and they love having you to be around them. Surround yourself with these kinds of people, you will appreciate yourself more then.
  10. Be grateful : God loves those who are grateful. Being grateful that means you are accepting whole heartedly of what God has given you. It is like giving someone a birthday present and seeing them happy and thankful, you feel like you want to give them more. So, don’t forget to be grateful.

The Unexpected

There are two kinds of people on this planet;

  1. The one who’s expecting the unexpected
  2. The one who just lets the unexpected happens

I am both, I guess. I chase opportunities. But when they take some times, I usually back away slowly but leave my whole heart on the way hoping it will come again. Then boom, the unexpected happens when I am almost losing all hopes. I don’t know what God has planned, but mostly He writes my story with so much minor plot twists. They twirl my world a little bit too much in here and there, making a small hurricane without the storm.

You can imagine how much the life of a 22 year old has gone up and down. It fluctuates every five minutes. One minute she feels lucky, the next minute she is attacked by the series of unfortunate events. It can be anything! From the moment she opens her eyes and even before she takes the first breath, something will change quickly. Maybe she gets a text from a cute guy blessing her morning, or maybe even a break up text.

One night, the haunting hour has not yet passed by. The phone in my hand kept ding-ing with the multiple texts from three people at the same time. One text full of jokes, gossips, and curses. The other text full with recalling back happy memories. The last text full with one-sided arguments and recriminations.

I cried and then laughed. Then when there were spare times away from them, I’m brooding. Looking up at the ceiling, staring at the flowery beam around the lamp, thinking I might end one of the conversations, having enough plot twists for one night. The texts of jokes, gone without closure. The texts with memories, never been opened since. So I decided to finish the arguments instead, anyway I never like it to sleep with a head full of thoughts.

A small plot twist. The arguments turned into my breaking point where I no longer believe in the future. One thing that flipped it upside down, the proof of a chance to find a long lost human being that was once my whole world but a tornado blew him away. One future closing up, another one coming in ahead. Maybe, just a 0.50% maybe because it had to get through a bumpy road up and down some hills.

Another small plot twist. The arguments continued without ending, even after ignoring seemed ruthless. A small pop-out on my screen turned the frown right-side-up, creating a heat that caused blush. In a single click, I know what I had to do! To make more plot twist, but this one was the biggest of all. The major one and I knew my life would change forever. I threw away the only toxic in my life and I could feel a load of burdens lifted up from my chest. If you are a woman, you would probably know how it feels. You know that feeling of freedom and relieve when you finally take off your bra after 12 hours? I know right?!

Then, yes I took small and careful steps to take the risk. I am not the kind of person who is scared of being alone. I rarely crave for a relationship, I am the other wise. I always have been in chains longing for liberty. But I still considered gambling to win the war I had lost once, seven years ago. I have had taken the same chance when God cracked open the door a little, but my move was reckless and aimless. I hit the door instead of entering, he was gone again by the time I stood back up. Then, I waited… waited… until God opened the door big enough for me to slip in smoothly.

“Hey, how are you? It’s been so long since the last time we talked.” 

I knew it, waiting patiently would finally make everything worth in the end. God is opening so many doors and behind each of them are the plot twists you can make your own self. Big and small. The biggest plot twist in my entire life (yet), the return of a missing human being. It sounds simple, but if you know how I had lost all of my hopes but still leaving my whole heart with that person, this is a triumph almost like a lifetime achievement. Well, because it takes a lifetime for me to be able to reach for it. Once I have it in my hands, it will always remain there.

So, hold on to the unexpected. Hold on to your dreams. When you almost lose all hopes, back away a little, slowly, but if you think your heart belongs there then leave it somewhere along the way. Someday it will find the way back to you along with the dreams you almost gave up on.

Be both kind of person. Expect and let it happens when the time comes.

Persevere, my friends!

What makes a person happy? Define happy!
What do you think a happiness means? Is eating your favorite food a happiness? Is sleeping early after a long day a happiness? Is working in a company with high salary a happiness? Once again, define what happiness means!
For me, happiness is when you are living your life the way it is supposed to be. Do you understand what I am saying?
Living is easy, but surviving is a different kind of matter. If you think your life is what you define happy, are you doing what you love? or are you just being grateful? Being grateful is important, but if you do it just to love what you do, you are not happy. At all.
People sometimes say, “I am happy with my life and I am grateful for what I have right now.” Yeah, by that it means there are still things in your life you wish to fulfill but you can’t because you stop reaching for it somehow to be grateful. Be grateful, but do not stop reaching for things you want to achieve and how you want to live your life.
It is easy for me to say that while I am still not happy with my own life, I know. How can I even say this such thing? Because I am trying so hard to get my life together.
Why am I not happy with my life? Maybe because I am not living in grace? NO! I am grateful that God still gives me so many opportunitiies to take, to give so many second chances, to help me through my depression. But do you even question why God still offers that many opportunities for you to take? Because God believes that you can lead yourself into what you called happiness by yourself. In the end, all the choices are for you to make.
If you are a fresh graduate, take some times off from the outside world. Give yourself a little credit, or in other word a reward, after wasting your sleep for 12 years! Take naps, take trips to anywhere you want, go to the beach or go camping, stay home all day or all week finish that tv series you have been wanting to watch, stay up all night scrolling through your instagram feed or binge watch Netflix, read a Trilogy, wake up very late that you miss your breakfast and it becomes a routine not to have one, exercise as much as you want (it is time to get your shape back!), take classes like cooking class or Spanish or anything really, basically do all the things you can before you go back to ruining your life. Once you go back to having morning – night routines every five days in a week, you will never be truely enjoying more of your years. Youth is far beyond your reach and you will never get it back. People say, “Ah youth, you’re still 20 something, you are still young and free.” YOUNG AND FREE? Who are you calling young and free? I can only see a destitute human being who hates her life. Yeah well, age does not lie but the experience in your life does. I am still 22 (soon will be 23. Yikes!), with small figures like a 15 year old (some part of my body won’t grow along the biological infancy of a human being), but I’m dressed by the Law of maturity looking like I am a 30 year old woman, living my life daily like a 40 year old. Really, on the inside I am screaming to put on those ripped jeans everyday with my knackered converse and hanging out with friends at the beach with my H&M two piece.
But remember, you know it won’t last forever. You can’t always have fun without income. Unless, you know how to make money by doing really nothing at all, then sure why not!
Give yourself a time limit. 3 months – 1 year would be enough. By the time you are resting from reality, you will figure out what you want to do, who you want to be, and what kind of action you must take next. You will plan out a whole future ahead of you under your own command.
The mistake people often make is that once they graduate University, they go straight to focus on applying for a job (any kind really) that they nearly forget about their own mental health. Those vacant days of theirs are filled with stress and burdens for not having a job, they forget to fill them with some fun. They are often jealous watching their friends sitting in front of a computer all day thinking about vacation with a proper sleep and rest, hey those with no jobs still can have the opportunities that all the employed friends desire! Enjoy while it lasts!
Now, onto the employed and lifeless friends. Are you really okay with your job? Are you really enjoying your Monday? If you already hate a Monday, that means you are not okay with your job. If you are already complaining on Saturday night thinking that tomorrow is your last chance to have a rest or hang out, you should think twice to stay in your job. Consider taking another chance to have your life planned out but you still can enjoy it. Here is what you have to ask yourself, “How not to hate Mondays?” because if you can start to embrace just one day, the rest of the days will not be a problem.
I have friends both who hate their jobs and who love their jobs. Me? HAHA I am in the category of ‘Those Who are in Identity Crisis’ I will not lie, I truly deeply honestly hate my job. But I don’t complain as much as I used to (my first mistake is that I am just like all of those fresh graduates who are too eager to cut off youth in order to grow up so fast).
I realize that people who hate their job but they stay anyway are the kind of people with this mind, “I have to stay in this job if I want to survive!” it is all about money. You can always find money, but your own sanity is more important. My friends who love their jobs, I still cannot relate to them. I envy each and every one of them to talk about how their jobs are hard but worth the fight. The boss that is so nice you can’t possibly hate him or her. The colleagues that you always hang out with every night after work and on weekends and never really talk about how shitty their job is. I want that kind of feeling and experience, when they wake up every morning with a little a smile and a little bit of joy to survive another day. I want to be blessed, too.
My friends who hate their jobs, those I can easily relate too. Some of them have already quitted, some of them still stuck. We have the same opportunity to change our lives, from little scraps like finding a good job that will fit. I just realize, that those who are not enjoying things at work are the people who live under someone’s expectation but still push more. Persevere, my friends. Take all the opportunities you can get, improve, and just do what you love. Live your life well. If you hate your job, just quit! Don’t stress yourself so much. If you find no reason to stay, then why are you still reading this in front of your computer screen stealthily so that your boss will not find out you have been procrastinating your work?! Go out there, find your life purpose, find your happiness, find yourself! Be happy. Do not let anything or anyone hold you back.
Good luck!

Home, Family, and Myself

Home is supposed to be the only place where you want to rest your head.

Home is supposed to be where family gets together.

Family is supposed to be one of the vessels you can rely on.

Family is supposed to be the place where secrets are shared and sorrows are obscured.

There is no I among family in a home.

There is only we.

We are supposed to be a family.

I am supposed to be a member.

But we and are not one.

Myself is the one to take care of on its own.

You are the ones that supposed to be.

When myself demands the license to do as one wants,

no rights to be given and a hex you label it.

When myself pleaded the love of a family,

no mercy should be delineated and an enmity you turn over in one’s mind.

What kind of home where the war is between you and myself as supposed to be a family called? 

No home is supposed to be a death penalty of its own self.

No home is supposed to be a punishment for being born.

No home worth a life when one broken soul is still being annihilated.

 

Pity Party

Black balloons instead of pastels.

One broken chair and dusty tapestries.

Horror movies instead of rock bands.

Melted hard-candies and artificial chocolate flavor.

Thunder paper-cuts, the melody of rain, a tear drop of pity.

Let’s talk about Pegasus and Nymph.

Don’t call the Banshee.

Joining me here,

Myself to my own pity party.

 

Into The Woods

What are those green things up there? They are dancing with the wind. Should I dance too?

What is that thing that moves to the hilt of the ravine? It is cold when I touch it. Should I touch it again?

What are these grey and black uneven things? Some of them are big, some are small. But they are all hard when I clutch my hands around them. There are the round ones, but there are also some with the rough and even sharp edges. Should I squeeze them harder?

What are these tall things all around me? Their bodies are so long! But the smell is like nothing I have ever tasted in the place where I used to live. There’s nothing quite like this smell. I can lean on to the concrete logs without breaking them.Should I smell them one by one and then lean on again until I need to go and find something else?

Into the woods, I am walking into the woods with my bare foot.

Into the woods, I am running into the woods with my heart beating as fast as the pace I take.

Into the woods, I can see things people can’t where they live now.

Into the woods, I don’t want to leave.

Into the woods, my soul belongs here.

Into the woods, nothing can stop me from going deeper.

Into the woods, the deeper I get the more my body resists to be alive.

Into the woods, what can you find here?

Into the woods,

Everything….

 

A Little Peek

It is never wrong too be so overwhelmed about something, especially when you feel like the whole world is on your shoulders and you just can’t shrug it off. Have a little peek on what’s going on behind your shoulders, instead of convulsing the struggles of what’s ahead.

The most strongest word in this whole world is ‘Love’, or so what desirous people claimed it to be, but for me the word ‘Okay’ is the strongest. Not so related whatsoever, makes no sense in so many ways, what do I even mean by that? Take a little peek of your past and find the reason of why you’re still standing in the present looking for a future. You will understand somehow in someway for someday…

Have a little peek of other people’s stories by asking them, How was your day?” then compare to your own story. What’s so different living in two different shells while going through different realities? Take a little peek on that.

Can you see the point of this post?

No?

Then, your life is just a joke!

Yes?

Live your life well!

First Impression

So, for the first time I am right now writing in WordPress. Well, everybody has first impressions about anything. Always.
So far, I can’t tell by using WordPress what will I develop to build up my writing skills.
Currently, I am working on 4 papers for my final exam. Oh yeah, I am a college freshman. I have 4 deadline papers due coming this Friday. Have no time left, so I guess I’ll focus on them first 🙂
Maybe I will post them here later on after revising, submitting, scoring, and I don’t know what else coming hehehe
Wish me luck 🙂