I was broken and mending
when I longed for affection.
I was lonely and hurting
when I hated connection.
You were someplace
far beyond my reach.
Standing there like a maze
as a disguise that I cannot unleash.
Alas,
all exceptions came forth
demolishing every cynicism and dismay.
Forthwith,
I am reborn anew
from a hope that is you.
meeting you was as
unexpected as tumbling
into a maze.
Talking to you is as
fast as finding
a dead end.
knowing you is as
easy as getting
lost deeper within.
falling for you is as
complex as searching
for an escape.
and yet,
every turn that I take
I leave behind some trails,
fragments of my perseverance
to reach
my happily ever after.
life never feels so right
there’s no war I can fight
because you only taught me
how to run away from myself
hold down hunger and thirst
choke on what comes first
staying under your shadow
just to pull me out for a show
tell me,
what do you see?
who will I ever be?
you held my hand so tightly
you asked me to stay with you even in vain
you kissed me so deep and passionately
you made me feel whole again
I clasped my fingers in yours and broke apart
I asked you don’t go, don’t disappear
I kissed you with all my heart
I made you conquer your fear
but the timing was always at fault
two troubled beings can never be one
you were the flame to my fire
I was the breeze to your frost
we were matched for hell
burning with agonizing despair
and desire to devour
all the power within each other
we were falling deeper
drowning further
until darkness lingered around forever
the time we spent together
was like heaven in hell
we were burning with passion
and desire- so extreme
that we began to be engulfed
in each other’s miseries
you claimed I was yours
when I was sure
deep inside your heart
you always knew the truth
that I could never be one
I ignored all the possibilities
and the raging fire that slowly
consuming my every thoughts
until there was nothing left
but your existence that remained
our moments were always whole
even though you and I
were only vessels
of two decaying souls
who gnawed at each other’s
bruises and wounds
I’m frightened,
inside my own sanctuary.
I’m exhausted,
while having my rest.
I’m breaking down,
in between my joyful days.
I’m giving up,
even in my hardest fights.
I’m blind,
although the lights are blaring.
I’m dead,
but not my beating heart.
It still stings,
for 23 years,
where those hands had left marks on my skin.
It still burns,
for each and every night,
whenever I remember being a disgrace.
I rise up,
only when I’m alone.
I tumble back down,
only when I return.
I see wars.
I hear roars.
I feel sores.
I never want to wake up,
if all I ever see is a disappointment in those eyes.
I never want to make sounds,
if all I ever say is always an aberration for the ears.
I never want to give hopes,
if all I ever do is such regret for your sakes.
I have been brawling this quarrel,
for my whole life,
living under expectations,
asking a place that I cannot simply earn,
not until I have no comparisons.
Let me be.
Set me free.
I’m always lost as someone else.
Who am I?
What will I ever be?
I am never in the right headspace of yours,
or anybody’s.
It is not difficult to close your eyes but to open them after they have been shut for a long time will be the hardest. I become sightless, benumbed, and then automatically forfeit. I am too torn between the judgment as a deficient self and as nothing more than a cipher. I concede to all the possibilities. I have changed my way to never let myself beguile the falsity of desire gets in the way of chasing real love. What is love, anyway? Open your eyes, you will be surprised by the unexpected.
Where are we? Oh, we are back to this desolate place that we call our minds. This time, it is only the two of us. We can have this place for ourselves. We can waste tonight with each other, barely.
“If only to discern what was real and what was not is in my book, would it be different now?” we stay in nothingness as each other’s interlocutor.
He shrugs. He is towering above me, standing so still across this isolated empty dark room. I feel so small compared to whatever he is. I feel like, a little mouse trying to run away and hide from her own destiny to be eaten by this huge grey cat, those eyes… they reflect such hunger. He wants me, he wants my soul. The soul that I have been trying to build after waking up from my previous death. The soul that I will gladly give him in the end.
I am trapped with no way to run. I am locked in with him.
“You’re here,” I say without enunciating a word of it. He can scarcely fathom the angst within me. He strides across the room, reaching for my presence.
“I’m here.”
I overhear him slowly holding the oxygen in the back of his throat. No heartbeat. No heat. No eyesight. Nothing, but a rising tense between jitters and longing.
“Why are you here?” I say with my back rests on the invisible wall. The wall that we have been ignoring for all this time. That is what we do best, no? Ignoring all the existent things that might keep us up when we are too drained out by the world. The support of a dying system.
“Because you want me to.” He maintains to look away from where I am. As much as I want to look deep into his eyes, to find something inside him, I let him ignore my wondering desire.
“Are you still scared of me now?” It is ghastly how we both are frightened of each other’s well-being for explicitly different intentions.
He nods still facing away.
I am screaming for him to look at me, but the agony feels harder when I am only demanding things inside my own head.
“Why did you come now? Why not years ago?” my voice is cracking when the past starts to echo in my head.
“I wish I did,” he says in anguish.
“The timing was never right.”
“That is what I have said multiple times.” it is obvious that I have been the one that makes the time amiss.
“I can make it up to you,” I say limping towards him. “I can redeem all the losing times we keep passing.”
He shakes his head. “I come here in such an improper time. I should have not been here by now. I don’t think I can make anybody happy at this point.” his eyes reflect all the secrecy I need to solve. All the pains, all the anger, all of his darkness. If I could, if the world would let me, I would command him to cede everything he feels inside to me.
I put my finger on his lips, shutting up his world. The more he talks, the more I am on the urge to endure his intricacy.
“The truth is, as much as you think you are here only to make me happy…” as I say locking his eyes. “You’re wrong.”
He stays silent.
My body transfers heat and now we’re both sweating in the cold of this empty dark room.
“I am as scared as you are,” I point out the truth. “I have always been scared. We are both scared of two different reasons. But here we are, finally.”
“But if we are scared for our whole lives, we outdare God’s plan. I don’t know what His plan is, but I know He is up to something good for us.” He lets go of my hand from his lips but he holds on to it on his side. He smiles, the warmest I have ever seen in him for all those years we had been missing.
As the oddity of me biting my bottom lip cannot be detained, I let myself to sip in the blood that comes out from it. All the years without witnessing how hefty he has become, I have grown vigorous along the way. I have witnessed my own death, I have deprived the existence of a submissive captive for my own contentment, I have lived and died at the same time. But I have never discovered the palpable purpose of enduring such excruciating and reprehensible life. Yet, he keeps choking me with his past and he puts me in chains, not letting me get closer even just an inch to his future. But, now I know why. I know that for my whole life I have been prepared for this kind of battle. For this war of hearts. Even when I have to fight him myself in the war zone to win his prolonged morrow as the prize, I will.
This post is inspired by this amazing book called Uncaged Wallflower by Jennae Cecelia. This book contains poems for people who are afraid to show the world who they really are, scared to be rejected by the society, and have no courage to speak up because they are too afraid of being ignored. To sum up, this book is written and published for people like me. First, I am going to quote one of my favorite poems with the same title ;
Life is not about
always being the best.
It is about facing fears
and growing from them.
You do not have to be number one.
Just do not live a life full of,
“what if’s.”
When you are too scared to be yourself just know that nobody is perfect. People who only want to be the best out of something they don’t know about the struggle some people face. I know it is scary to speak up in the room full of people, all eyes on you. I know you are thinking, ‘what if I’m only going to embarrass myself?’ ‘what if nobody listens?’ ‘what if someone asks a question and I can’t answer?’ ‘what if they think I’m a weirdo?’ I know because my thoughts are the same. Stop asking ‘what if’s‘ questions and instead say ‘F*ck this, I am going to do it’ it is better to regret rather than to wonder all your life. Don’t avoid mistakes, but make them and learn from them after that! (but it does not mean you can repeat the same mistake and never learn from it, that means you are a fool!)
My heart starts quivering when I have to be the center of attention even just for two seconds. I will be nervous, anxious, feeling nausea like I am going to throw up. I would rather run out of the room and stay in one of the bathroom isles until it is time to go home.
But you know what, those times are over!
This world needs more voice to be heard. If 10 people out of 20 choose to stay silent, nothing will ever change. I know it is hard and terrifying, but our voices matter too! Our opinions, our resolute minds, and ourselves are also noteworthy. You don’t want to be invisible all your life. Just because one callous comment does not mean you are a frivolous person who talks nonsense. Even one viewpoint from you can trigger other big ideas. You can become an introvert and extrovert at the same time, best of both worlds.
Here is the thing, I know closing your mouth shut is the only comfort zone you are going to live in. Just know that the real you who is screaming to get out is still trapped by your own ego and fear. You don’t have to be the best in anything, just be the best version of yourself and you will be more than fine. You will live your life to the fullest when there is nothing or nobody holding you back from expressing yourself.
Being the best does not always mean everything, it is only about the people who never feel of having enough in their life. I am not saying they are greedy, sure having a life goal to be the best mathematician or the best soccer player or the best attention seeker is not bad at all. But the more you seek, the more unhappy your life will be. So, again just becoming the best of who you can be is worthy of a lifetime reward. Stop covering yourself with uncertainties, stop hiding behind everyone’s back! Embrace who you are! Don’t forget that you are loved by the people who know you well.
You are the best and nobody can be a better you than yourself.
🙂
That cold wind I always remember is blowing, brushing my skin.
That sunlight I always crave for is shining, touching my whole body.
Whenever the morning comes,
I feel the rush to open all the windows and doors,
welcoming that wind and that sunlight,
into my life once again.
Every morning like this is my only true happiness.
To hear the sound of leaves swooshing all around,
to see the trees dancing.
The trees and sunlight are my friends.
I want to stand in the middle, spreading my hands wide open,
soaking up the moment I am in, and just stay like this forever.
I have been too far away for so long.
They missed me.
They are happy that I am finally home.
Yeah, I am home.
It’s dark.
The passage is murky, it gives me chill.
What time is it? The cold night wind penetrates through my olive skin.
I’m scared, but I need to keep going.
I have to run away before the Minotaur captures me!
I was finally sleeping after fighting my insomnia for a year. The Dryads helped me with their song.
Yes, I was finally at ease. Until the Minotaur came to my wigwam and scattered all my books, as usual looking for an answer that is never there.
The Dryads didn’t give me a warning sign before their arrival. I was hiding under my blanket, until the Minotaur gave up his search. Minotaurs are blind at night, they don’t see very clear in the dark. That’s why I need to keep going further this passage. I don’t know what’s on the end of this passage, but I keep on going.
Rumbling sounds came from behind me. Like a tractor lost control in a corn maze, trying to swallow and cut everything in its way.
Don’t cry!
I swipe away my newly coming tears with the sleeve of my pajama. I cuss in between my breath, why didn’t I remember to put on thicker pajamas during Autumn nights? It’s almost winter!
I run.
I keep running deeper than the passage itself.
I found myself running into Steep Hill in Lincoln. I can run up or down there! All I have to do first is to look for an open shop and knock, but in this matter I need to burst in before the Minotaur gets here!
But it’s dark! All the shops are closed, somehow the pubs are out of business tonight. Where do I go? Up or down? Either way, I can’t find a place to hide. At least, not soon enough.
Without thinking twice I continue running down the Hill to Well Lane.
Wait, how do I still remember the name if this street? I feel like I’m home. But this is not my home, but I know I’m back to somewhere I used to belong in.
My home is in the Fantasy world! This is England, I suppose? Did I come from this world before I was lost in the Fantasy world? They’re two different worlds.
In Fantasy world, there will be no darkness allays the living creatures. There will be stars and bright full moon. In this world, the sky looks…sad and empty.
I need to stop wandering around, I need to hide!
Oh, I know just the right way! I remember this road. It will lead me to somewhere I can’t recall. But I know this place, I remember what it feels like to be living in my own nightmare.
I remember I’d always hated this place and wished to leave. I did! But why am I back here again?
Was that the passage I took that led me to the Fantasy world?
Why is it so easy to find, yet I’ve been living there for 10 years? Did I forget where I’ve come from?
The rumbling sound is now coming closer to me. It follows me back here!
Run faster! Go hide!
I don’t have to think about which turns I should take, or where this Hill will take me to, because I know where I’m going. I’m familiar with the street around me. The houses and street lamps. The silence. Everything is like in the back of my head in an instance.
I’m almost there.
Straight ahead, my old nightmare.
The place that gives me goosebumps. The place full of horror. The place that leaves the outcry in me. The place I will never forget.
The black gate is still standing tall, even a tornado won’t take it down. None can tear that house apart from the ground.
It is scary. I don’t want to go back inside, because once I set my foot inside I will never go out again.
The roar of an angry Minotaur is echoing from above, all the street lamps burst into flames.
I need to get inside.
I push the gate open without force and it’s already cracked open. I run inside and close the gates carefully behind me, trying not to make a creak sound. I continue running deeper into the house.
The scent of violence burns my lungs instantly.
Suddenly, I am taken back into my darkest times. I can’t run back outside, but I am scared to keep on going further into the house. What should I do? Where should I run now? Where can I hide?
FreeWords 