The Best

This post is inspired by this amazing book called Uncaged Wallflower by Jennae Cecelia. This book contains poems for people who are afraid to show the world who they really are, scared to be rejected by the society, and have no courage to speak up because they are too afraid of being ignored. To sum up,  this book is written and published for people like me. First, I am going to quote one of my favorite poems with the same title ;

Life is not about

always being the best.

It is about facing fears

and growing from them.

You do not have to be number one.

Just do not live a life full of,

“what if’s.”


When you are too scared to be yourself just know that nobody is perfect. People who only want to be the best out of something they don’t know about the struggle some people face. I know it is scary to speak up in the room full of people, all eyes on you. I know you are thinking, ‘what if I’m only going to embarrass myself?’ ‘what if nobody listens?’ ‘what if someone asks a question and I can’t answer?’ ‘what if they think I’m a weirdo?’ I know because my thoughts are the same. Stop asking ‘what if’s‘ questions and instead say ‘F*ck this, I am going to do it’ it is better to regret rather than to wonder all your life. Don’t avoid mistakes, but make them and learn from them after that! (but it does not mean you can repeat the same mistake and never learn from it, that means you are a fool!)

My heart starts quivering when I have to be the center of attention even just for two seconds. I will be nervous, anxious, feeling nausea like I am going to throw up. I would rather run out of the room and stay in one of the bathroom isles until it is time to go home.

But you know what, those times are over!

This world needs more voice to be heard. If 10 people out of 20 choose to stay silent, nothing will ever change. I know it is hard and terrifying, but our voices matter too! Our opinions, our resolute minds, and ourselves are also noteworthy. You don’t want to be invisible all your life. Just because one callous comment does not mean you are a frivolous person who talks nonsense. Even one viewpoint from you can trigger other big ideas. You can become an introvert and extrovert at the same time, best of both worlds.

Here is the thing, I know closing your mouth shut is the only comfort zone you are going to live in. Just know that the real you who is screaming to get out is still trapped by your own ego and fear. You don’t have to be the best in anything, just be the best version of yourself and you will be more than fine. You will live your life to the fullest when there is nothing or nobody holding you back from expressing yourself.

Being the best does not always mean everything, it is only about the people who never feel of having enough in their life. I am not saying they are greedy, sure having a life goal to be the best mathematician or the best soccer player or the best attention seeker is not bad at all. But the more you seek, the more unhappy your life will be. So, again just becoming the best of who you can be is worthy of a lifetime reward. Stop covering yourself with uncertainties, stop hiding behind everyone’s back! Embrace who you are! Don’t forget that you are loved by the people who know you well.

You are the best and nobody can be a better you than yourself.

🙂

 

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1/16/2018

That cold wind I always remember is blowing, brushing my skin.

That sunlight I always crave for is shining, touching my whole body.

Whenever the morning comes,

I feel the rush to open all the windows and doors,

welcoming that wind and that sunlight,

into my life once again.

Every morning like this is my only true happiness.

To hear the sound of leaves swooshing all around,

to see the trees dancing.

The trees and sunlight are my friends.

I want to stand in the middle, spreading my hands wide open,

soaking up the moment I am in, and just stay like this forever.

I have been too far away for so long.

They missed me.

They are happy that I am finally home.

Yeah, I am home.

 

Run!

It’s dark.

The passage is murky, it gives me chill.

What time is it? The cold night wind penetrates through my olive skin.

I’m scared, but I need to keep going.

I have to run away before the Minotaur captures me!

I was finally sleeping after fighting my insomnia for a year. The Dryads helped me with their song.

Yes, I was finally at ease. Until the Minotaur came to my wigwam and scattered all my books, as usual looking for an answer that is never there.

The Dryads didn’t give me a warning sign before their arrival. I was hiding under my blanket, until the Minotaur gave up his search. Minotaurs are blind at night, they don’t see very clear in the dark. That’s why I need to keep going further this passage. I don’t know what’s on the end of this passage, but I keep on going.

Rumbling sounds came from behind me. Like a tractor lost control in a corn maze, trying to swallow and cut everything in its way.

Don’t cry!

I swipe away my newly coming tears with the sleeve of my pajama. I cuss in between my breath, why didn’t I remember to put on thicker pajamas during Autumn nights? It’s almost winter!

I run.

I keep running deeper than the passage itself.

I found myself running into Steep Hill in Lincoln. I can run up or down there! All I have to do first is to look for an open shop and knock, but in this matter I need to burst in before the Minotaur gets here!

But it’s dark! All the shops are closed, somehow the pubs are out of business tonight. Where do I go? Up or down? Either way, I can’t find a place to hide. At least, not soon enough.

Without thinking twice I continue running down the Hill to Well Lane.

Wait, how do I still remember the name if this street? I feel like I’m home. But this is not my home, but I know I’m back to somewhere I used to belong in.

My home is in the Fantasy world! This is England, I suppose? Did I come from this world before I was lost in the Fantasy world? They’re two different  worlds.

In Fantasy world, there will be no darkness allays the living creatures. There will be stars and bright full moon. In this world, the sky looks…sad and empty.

I need to stop wandering around, I need to hide!

Oh, I know just the right way! I remember this road. It will lead me to somewhere I can’t recall. But I know this place, I remember what it feels like to be living in my own nightmare.

I remember I’d always hated this place and wished to leave. I did! But why am I back here again?

Was that the passage I took that led me to the Fantasy world?

Why is it so easy to find, yet I’ve been living there for 10 years? Did I forget where I’ve come from?

The rumbling sound is now coming closer to me. It follows me back here!

Run faster! Go hide!

I don’t have to think about which turns I should take, or where this Hill will take me to, because I know where I’m going. I’m familiar with the street around me. The houses and street lamps. The silence. Everything is like in the back of my head in an instance.

I’m almost there.

Straight ahead, my old nightmare.

The place that gives me goosebumps. The place full of horror. The place that leaves the outcry in me. The place I will never forget.

The black gate is still standing tall, even a tornado won’t take it down. None can tear that house apart from the ground.

It is scary. I don’t want to go back inside, because once I set my foot inside I will never go out again.

The roar of an angry Minotaur is echoing from above, all the street lamps burst into flames.

I need to get inside.

I push the gate open without force and it’s already cracked open. I run inside and close the gates carefully behind me, trying not to make a creak sound.  I continue running deeper into the house.

The scent of violence burns my lungs instantly.

Suddenly, I am taken back into my darkest times. I can’t run back outside, but I am scared to keep on going further into the house. What should I do? Where should I run now? Where can I hide?

Fire In The Water

When heat meets cold, one of them dies. When You and I are together, one of us is biased. I am the cold, with an arid ice, lethargically firm. You are the heat, with a raging fire, blithely intangible. The cold always loses. Yet the heat deprecates what’s claimed.

I am breathing heavily. Smoke is coming out of my lungs.

“I know what you are going to commit,” a hazy of entreat look deplores across your face.

“Define it,” You unsettle the heedless secrecy in you.

“Come with me!”

I sally in to the dark within your grasp. You follow submissively. We travel far into the forest. The deeper we get, the more I get my power. Your fire starts to dim, your heat starts to  dwindle. I don’t care, because that is my purpose all along. You don’t seem to waive. I treacherously abet the enemy. I take your hand in mine and we continue marching in a whim.

We come across to what seems like a misty lake. I let go of your hand and face you.

“Let your fire burst this forest into ashes.” such an omnipotent command that sounds.

“You know I can’t,” a prickle of fire sparks catapulted from your fingertips. They look like stars, yellowish red almost orange, they sting when they touch my skin. I don’t flinch. Not even a little bit.

You notice. Mirthless, your eyes.

“Take my hand!” I beckon the deference of your obedience by offering you the bridge to my power. I know whenever our power interacts to one another, a great explosion will occur inside each of us.

“But if I take your hand,” You are contemplating. “I am going to kill you.”

“Let me die,” I am writhed by the acrimonious remark of your condolence.

“I won’t!” You take a step back. My power kicks in and ice starts to grow around your feet.

“Do it,” I push the urge to curdle and battle your power I seek to get accelerated anytime soon.

“I said, I won’t!” You holler out the pain in you. Your body starts to tremble. The ice that starts to grow to your pelvis is melting rapidly.

“I know you want to let go of your power,” I smirk but I weep. “I am your adversary, fight me!” I hasten my power by entering the lake behind me.

“I will not,” You outcry the agony both outside and inside your body. I am killing you from the outside, and you are killing yourself from the inside. You seem to be obviating no option to die.

“Let it out!” I scream my mist out. “Kill me!”

You estrange whatever it is that you are scared of. The ice that I am growing up to your chin is cracking. You take slow and gentle steps into the lake. I whirl the mist into white clouds, shielding us from the damp dark forest.

“You want this,” Our eyes meet. You rise before me. “I don’t!”

“Tell me why not?” I don’t shift my gaze anywhere but your eyes.

“I don’t want to kill you!” Your eyes, the shape of diamonds, crystallizing and that makes me startled. You cry lava, those crystals are mine.

“I’m not going to let you,” I am getting closer to you. “Let your power out! Burn this forest down!”

You take my hands and we merge into an embrace. We both close our eyes. I let my power to be the armor. The ground is rumbling beneath our feet. But the lake keeps us up from falling. I control the water to penetrate your skin and to blight the fear of killing me.

I can feel pain, joy, love, and war zone between us. Air pulls me away from you, but you clasp me in sealed.

Fire in the water, we become stronger.

You are panting hard, taking in and out oxygen. I kiss you, agitate your lungs with my cold air.

“You see?” I smile. “This forest haunted me for so long. Together we are strong. Let go of your power when you’re with me, I will protect you from harming us. You are the soldier, and I will be your shield. But you have to listen to me, and put your faith in me.”

“I thought I was going to kill you with my fire because cold…”

“Always loses?”

A pang of guilt comes across your eyes.

“My power is just as strong as yours. When you’re in my zone, nothing can kill me. Even if I let you to, I will die because of my own power. Don’t hold back. I am more powerful than ever when you’re with me, and so are you.”

 

These I Have Loved

These I have loved;

Gooey yellowish thawed slime; the reeked stench of a cheese;

Brownish sometimes pitch black liquid; sizzling in a big coffee mug;

The twinging sensation from a pungent culinary; sweats of joy and satisfaction;

The purring sound from a ball of furs;

The rhythm of a piano and flute;

The petrichor of a heavy rain; freshly damped earth;

The sound of tranquility – in aesthetic forms of soul;

 

The smell of books; grayish white into moldy pages;

A group of impregnable people; humorous and loyal.

Love; friendship;

Memories from another time;

Life; Truth;

These I have loved.

Inspired by The Great Lover (1915) by Rupert Brooke

 

Everything and Nothing

The sound of thunder makes me shiver. The darkness inside makes me allay. The coldness all around makes me numb. Your presence makes me irate. I want to disappear. I want to go. I want to run away.

The room is starting to heat up without fire. The thunder has gone along with the dark. You are starting to fade away, but I become more concrete. One eventful moment as I am reaching for your hand but you’re not.

“Don’t go,” a laconic sentence that states the unspoken.

“Come here,” you are a lethal weapon that tries to deprive my existence.

“If I come near you,” I become a stone. “You will disappear.”

You are a lucid form of my dream. The best dream I have ever had.

“No,” you are lying. “I won’t go anywhere.”

“But you are not real,” I lower my head. “Not anymore.”

“Come!” you are masquerading as a motley creature. I don’t dare to touch you. But you are beautiful and I am hypnotized.

“Stop pretending!” I am half screaming in a nonchalant tune. You are stunned because of my sudden morose temper. “Go back to where you were!”

“But I’m here for you,” you look hurt. But I am hurt even more. I don’t want to waste another 8 years to just see you cease away again. But you came back out of the blue and I am scared now. “Reach my hand and come with me!” you want me to do something that does not even make sense. You don’t reach out your hand for me to take. What am I supposed to hold on to?

“What do you want?” a murky expression comes across my face.

“I want you to come with me,” you obviated the dark secret in you to allure me into a frenzy. “But I don’t want to be with you, too. But I loved you, maybe I still do.”

Such a paradox you tell me.

“I can’t go anywhere,” a reflection of his own pensive thought is pervading across my mind. “Not until you tell me what is your purpose to come back!”

You give me a slight peremptory pep talk, but then you stop.

“You are haunting me,” I start to tremble. “Three years and then another five years. You have always been haunting me, haven’t you? You love it to see me like this, don’t you?”

“What do you mean?” your feet are starting to touch the ground. I’m thinking you might be staying for good for a second, but I don’t want to conclude that fast. Because every damn time when I think of you might come back, I always get disappointed by my own paradigm.

“I am suffering!” I am screaming at the top of my lungs. I am standing in the zenith of mountains between us. “Can’t you see that?”

“Please, I want to feel the heat from your body because I’m so cold right now!” you are walking or more like floating towards me. “But your heat will kill me.”

“What exactly do you want?”

“I want nothing.”

“If you want me, say it!”

You are writhing in pain. “Stop!” you are in a great pain, but I don’t know where it is from.

“If you don’t want me, just go!”

“No!” you’re still clutching your temple. I hear sobs coming from you.

“I don’t mind waiting 8 more years just to find you coming back here in another form of ghost.” I am getting closer to you.

“Stay where you are!” You halt me with a gentle push.

“You want me to come, I’ll come!”

“Don’t come any closer!”

“You want me to leave, I’ll leave!”

You are angry. You are fighting with your own thoughts. I don’t care what they are.

“Just say it!” I demand. “Say what you want! Just say it!”

“I want everything and nothing at all,” you are crying but there are no tears on your face.

We are standing there, facing each other. One floating, one petrifying. One is a ghost, one is a stone. One is fluid, one is congealed. But we are both unsure for what might come next.

We will always be this way.

 

Tout Ce Que Je Te Demande

When you have a guy best friend, never expect one of you will not fall into the black magic that is called love. There is no friendship between a guy and a girl. No, there is no such thing. Yes, deny it all you want! She knows you don’t believe it. But please, trust her on this, she did not believe it too at first.

“So, how are you?” he asked. What is wrong with him? They were just talking to each other last night on the phone.

She sat there across from him. The food between them were starting to be cold. The salmon on her plate was awry cooked. She could tell by the pinkish color on the bottom. Talk to me! You’re just spitballing here and I want to know whatever it is that you are hiding! 

“Are you going to talk to me or not?” he asked again and this time he was staring deep into her eyes.

She shifted on her seat uneasily. “Yes,” she replied without looking directly at his face. “What are we going to talk about?”

“Anything you want,” he smiled knowing that she was still keen to respond.

You asked me out, therefore you are the one who needs to talk! Oh my God, he is such a buffoon!  She knew there was something insignificantly fishy when he asked her out for lunch. They are best friends or were, well she thought it was something more than that between them. She always has thought of that. Almost five years they were going nowhere. He treats her so well, like no best friend would treat each other. She feels like a princess whenever they are together. He teases her like a brother to his sister. He takes care of her like best friends. They fight like a couple. But none of those seems real for her right now. They were there, physically, like two strangers on a disastrous blind date. She knew she wouldn’t want to be there if it wasn’t because of her curiosity. Not only that, but it was because she cares.

“So, why are you taking me out?” she asked him with no suspicious tone in her voice. Like she already knew what will happen but still wants confirmation.

“What do you mean why?” he looked hurt. Well, he should be. “I just want to have a nice lunch with you. Is that wrong?”

Yes, it is wrong. You don’t usually ask me out for lunch, I mean just the two of us! We usually go with seven other people because you never want to be just the two of us! Why is that so wrong? Are you disgusted when people stare at us and think we are as a couple? Am I that disgraceful to you? I know I am not pretty like other girls you always have a crush on. Geez, are you going to give me a lecture about something? 

“No,” she replied after having a debate in her own head. “Not at all. It’s just…”

He bent over slightly.

“It’s just not you,” she giggled awkwardly. “It’s just unusual.”

He laughed, like really laughed. She stomped a little in her seat.

There was an awkward moment. He cleared his throat.

“So, who’s hitting on you at the moment? Come on, tell me about this guy…”

What was that supposed to mean? “No one,” she replied.

“You sure?” he teased her, but she is not up for a game right now.

There is nobody that can make me fall in love like you do. “I swear! To be honest,” she was itching from the words in the tip of her tongue. “No one deserves condign affection from me. They didn’t give me that comfort feeling, not like you do to me.”

There was another awkward silent again.

“Well, what about you?” she took control the whole situation. She is like a tigress, trying to pretend that she is strong but she is actually scared. “I mean, what about all that girls you used to tell me about?”

He moved uncomfortably in his seat. She knew he was hiding something. “I’m done with them.” he said plainly. But in his last tone, there was something else. His eyes were telling her that she should be ready for what’s coming next. “But there is someone,” he finally said after taking a long deep breath.

“Who?” she asked in agony.

“You don’t know, do you?” He smirked. What was that for?

She shook her head so very slow and he didn’t notice.

“You know her very well,” he mumbled with his head bowing so low. He played his fork in his left hand but he was staring at his half-eaten food. “She’s one of us.”

She tried to recall all the girl’s names in her group. Well, there were only five of them including her. Two are taken, it left her with two other girls. At first, she had this thought that it might be her. Maybe he was about to confess his feeling towards her. Really? She could feel a little joy in herself.

But this is all bogus! It can’t be me! But he is so nice to me today, and that is what makes it all so fishy. I mean, why would he wait until now to just say if he loves me? Why not years ago?

“She’s one the closest to you,” he suddenly said like knowing she was being too self-conscious.

The closest? It is you imbecile little moron! But I guess, it is supposed to be a girl then?! Wait… Oh my God…

“Since when?” she asked in a low voice. She almost screamed, she meant to. But her self-control wouldn’t let her and instead she whispered. A whimpering sound came within her.

He was contemplating at first, but told her everything. He found out that he likes her three years ago. He doesn’t explain how and why he likes her. He told her their little getaway to the most beautiful place and all. He also told her that she felt the same way, but she couldn’t tell her best own best friend because it might hurt her. Yes, it does hurt! All she could do was listening and nodding, smiling even. But inside her, there was a battle. A part of her wants to scream and run away, the other wants her to cry and explain everything to him. That she is still in love with him, she is still waiting for him, she is still hoping for a fairy tale ending, and most of all she still wants him.

“Are you okay?” he asked when she didn’t respond anymore.

she felt the tears prickled in the corner of her eyes. She stood up abruptly, her chair made a squeaking noise it makes him cringed. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she rushed to the back. Some people stared at her when she passed their tables.

Why her? Why not any other girl out there like before? Why my own best friend? I told her everything about him. I told her about this devastating date. I told her EVERYTHING. She was also the only one who encouraged me to come to him first. She was the one who kept supporting me to be with him. She told me I would be good for him! Why? Wasn’t she hurt to back me up to date her own lover? Why would she hurt herself for me?

She suddenly felt guilty, but why? It is her the one who’s hurting right now. It is her who is betrayed. It is her to suffer from all this cheap drama!

She went back to the table just to find him looking at her with a smile on his face. You are disgusting! “I’m going home,” she said taking her purse. She took out several bills from her purse and tossed them to the table in front of him.

“Wait,” he did the same and ran after her. “At least let me give you a ride.”

She kept walking.

“Please, wait!” he pulled her hand. She shirked away from his grasp and turned to face him.

“Go away!” she said. Her voice was trembling badly. “Go away before I start to scream!”

“Please, don’t do this!” he pleaded. His eyes were full with sorrow. But why? He is the evil! “I can’t lose you, please!”

The words slapped her right on her cheeks. “Why? So that you can still hurt me? Is it fun for you to watch me hurt? Is it some kind of an entertainment for you?”

“No, I don’t mean it like that!” He sighed. “Listen, you are my best friend! I don’t want to just end it like this. I still want us to hang out, to debate over silly things, to make fun of you until your face turns red like a tomato, to be with you when I need to tell all my problems. Don’t go!”

She laughed. Yes, it was funny! Funny how someone can say that when he doesn’t even love her and he loves someone else. “Ha!”

“Listen to me, buddy! If you want me to stay, you can’t be with her. But if you want to be with her, let me go!”

“I can’t,”

“You are one selfish little brat, aren’t you?” she narrowed her eyes. A frown formed on her face. “You have to choose! Because she is my best friend! I don’t want to hurt her,” she paused. “And I don’t to be hurt anymore.” she whispered still trying to hold on to her tears.

“Please,” he still went on begging her to stay. “I can’t lose you anymore. I know you are going to disappear after today. It is hard enough for me to let you go!”

“What about her? Don’t you care?”

“I’m not even going back to her,”

Liar. 

All I ask of you is just to choose,” she said softly. “I might disappear after today, but that is because I need some time. If you want to be with her, I am all happy for you both. My best friends are finally happy together. But I can’t let you to have us both. If you are my best friend, you have to let me go and be gone!”

He didn’t say anything.

She knew that was her time to go. No more of this. She’s had enough of this; of him, of life, of everything. She walked away thinking she will never fall in love again that easy. This makes her believe that a guy and a girl can never be best friend. She hates this world for being so unfair. But eventually, she will forgive but not forget. She has learned something and that is to never trust anyone but herself. She is moving on. She will, someday soon. She will be happy again. But for now, let her take sometime and grief. Before she gets back up and start everything fresh.

 

7/16/2016

I remembered that night.

The first time that we met,

you smiled at me,

my heart pulsated.

I remembered that day.

The first time we ever talked,

your voice was so gentle,

my body shimmered.

I remembered that morning.

The first time we laughed together,

your eyes shone so bright,

my head spun in circle.

It was a quixotic scheme,

that I will never erase.

One day you disappeared.

Where are you?

I need you!

Every time I kept saying goodbyes,

you wouldn’t let me.

You were there once again,

blocking my way.

I was trapped,

for the second time.

I was settled by your affection.

But you wouldn’t let me.

Then you were gone again.

I tried to run away.

You were suddenly right behind me,

pulling me into a deep trance.

I was in frenzy for the third time.

I pleaded.

I begged you to stay.

I didn’t want to disappear,

I didn’t want you to.

You would not listen,

would you?

Before answering,

you were gone again the next time I opened my eyes.

STOP THIS!

Leave me,

or love me!

Choose!

I knew you were scared.

I knew we both were.

We were lost.

But we could find a way,

I know we would.

But it’s too late, isn’t it?

What are we?

We can stop pretending.

We can try.

What’s the hurt from trying?

We got nothing to lose.

Or did we?

Please,

stop this whatever we are doing!

Whatever we are now!

Be gone,

if you wish.

Don’t come back!

Don’t ever come back!

I’m begging you.

 

7/14/2016

How funny it feels like when you are looking back to your past and see how much your life has changed over the years. I don’t see that girl anymore. The girl who used to haunt me. The girl with thick glasses and a tight Ballerina bun on top of her head. She’s never really gone from my life. She always there. Sometimes when I’m alone, or when the memories suddenly come back to me, I can feel her presence inside me. She is still there waiting to come out from her hiding.

I can’t barely even look at the old photos of the girl in my room. She doesn’t have much because she never appreciated what she had in her life worth captured. But it hurts me every time I realize that the girl was the same person as me. I still have her old belongings. Her over-sized sweaters and over dramatically thick jackets, her loose shirts which she bought from the boy’s section, leggings that have holes in them and Mom jeans. I still have her thick purple glasses which used to be her favorite. She wore them everyday to school but never on weekends. When I asked her, ‘Why are you wearing those glasses only at school?’ and she would reply, ‘Because I always look bad in the morning to go to school. My bed face will never fade at least until lunch. But if I take them off during lunch, my eyes will start to be blurry.’ Then she kept on wearing them for the past three years. She was proud on the thickness of her glasses. They were heavy and made her nose hurt at night. The thicker and bigger her glasses were, the better. When I asked why, she replied, ‘Because then the glasses will cover up half of my face. I feel invisible and it makes me feel comfortable.’

I was screaming for the past three years, ‘NO! NO! NO!’ I was in pain to hear that answer, ‘You can’t be comfortable when you draw back from the crowds! You have to be visible! Let everyone sees you, let them know you! You can’t live like this for the rest of your life!’

She didn’t. She disappeared. She’s been hiding in the place where people will no longer remember her. Everyone thinks she’s dead. Everyone assumes she never even existed in the first place. She is good at hiding or being invisible. She is now living in the moment called My Past. She is not dead, she did exist. She is still living inside me. Sometimes I can feel her taking control of my body, but it was just in a slight moment. I wanted her to get back out there again, let me take her hiding place, let’s switch again like before we went to high school. But she sometimes refuses, sometimes she just doesn’t want to hear me out.

That night, I was rummaging my old closet. Her clothes were all still there, taking most of my space. She had few, but it was the size that took up the space. I remembered that shopping for clothes was always her least favorite thing to do in the world. She would prefer to stay home and read fictions, or watch adventure movies while snacking her favorite chips. I asked her again, ‘Why do you hate shopping that much? Other girls love it, normal girls do it so often.’ She would answer in her raspy and weary voice, ‘Because girls buy things that fit them. Even they don’t need clothes that much, but they always look good wearing tight clothes. That is why normal girls shop. I’m not even normal. I don’t shop. Nothing fits in me.’

She was embarrassed to shop for clothes in boy’s section or pregnancy section without her mom. So, she usually let her mom do the shopping for her. But far too many times and for most of her girly clothes were a hand-down from her mom. She has this long flowery black dress that she loved so much. It was her mom’s. Her mom used to wear it in the early 1990’s during her three pregnancies. I was crying that night when I found the dress in my closet. This dress always looked ridiculous on her, it made her look old and……pregnant. But did she care? No. She felt beautiful in that dress. I tried it on for the first time ever after the girl was gone missing. The sleeveless dress kept sliding off of my shoulders. My lace bra popped out from the low V neck, showing me how she used to have enough breasts to be proud of. The dress covered up every less of my invisible curves. She could pull out the dress in her curves. She never agreed. She always called herself ‘fat’ ‘over-weight’ ‘plus plus size’ or ‘an obesity non-pregnant girl’.

She never loved herself. She always wanted to be beautiful like every other girl at school. But she didn’t even know what ‘beautiful’ means. She thought she did, beautiful means skinny. The more cheekbones and jaws appear around your face, the better. If your collar bones and ribs showed up in a tight dress, you are the most beautiful. The longer and thicker your hair is, you can conquer the world. More skin you show, more guys will ever fall into your beauty. More make up you put on, the sky will shine even brighter. The brand of your clothes take a huge part too. The more expensive, more popular you will be.

One night she cried in our room and talked to me.

“Why do guys have to be so mean to a girl like me? I know, I can’t fit in their girlfriend’s size. I know when I put on eye shadow and lipstick they will be calling me a clown. I know I can never wear mini skirts because they will be disgusted. I know it! I know what they think of me. I know that I am ugly, but do they have to be that mean?”

She sobbed. She meant it for a guy that she had a huge crush on. He was her classmate. He was not the most popular guy in school. He was the popular guy’s sidekick, never the hero. That what she likes about him. He stood out to be the helper, to be the number two (more to be the infinite number because he has tons of popular friends). He was the quite one in class, the geeky one, he was smart too. He was full of mystery. But he was also funny, because he tends to make silly expressions when he was lost in his own fantasy. He used to stare at the wall, blank-faced, and lips parted apart making a huge gap. He could stay like that for two hours. She always giggled finding him out in his trance.

He ignored her. He never talked to her, not even a single word. She never had the courage to talk to him first. But that day, she was assigned in a group of two with him and they had to share a book. He even barely wanted to come to the table next to her. When he did, he shoved away the chair and sit as far away as he could. She was hurt but didn’t show it. She nudged the edge of the book closer to him but away from her. He sat too far.

“Here, you can read it first.”

He stared at her for so long, but not in a sweet kind of way, but in a disbelief kind of way. When his friends started to tease him, he pushed the book back to her and never looked back at her. He stared at the blackboard in the front class the entire period and rushed out the door when he heard the bell started to ring.

The next day, she heard rumors that her crush was hitting on a freshman (they were seniors). Yes, she found out herself. He was staring at this tiny, cute, and princesslike girl in the far corner of the cafeteria. She was laughing with her group of friends, consisted of the most popular freshmen (of course). She wore a mini skirt and a mini t-shirt, were those her baby sister’s clothes? 

Well, this world is never fair. She went home crushed that day and swore to anyone she would never fall in love ever again. ‘Why does it hurt to fall in love? I thought falling in love is everyone’s favorite time period in life,’ and apparently not everyone’s.

‘I promise, I will never be that kind of girl. I will never fall in love with anyone. I will never try to be beautiful and to be skinny. I don’t want to change who I am. I am never going to fancy make up, expensive and mini clothing, or act dumb to get myself a guy.’ I smiled though I didn’t know why to hear her eagerly and so determined to accept who she was.

I kept rummaging her old clothes that night until I forgot everything about her.

But now, something hit me, so hard like a car crash. She is not hiding all this time. I made her to. I locked her up. It was me this whole time. I pushed her away. Or it can be worse, I might have even killed her. I am running to the nearest mirror in the house and I am going to study myself there for hours.

am her worst nightmare. I broke her promise. I have become the girl she never wanted.

am trying to be the girl that she always hated. I made her disappear. Now, she’s actually gone! I can’t find her inside me! I’ve killed her! I’ve killed myself!

am my own enemy…

 

She

She is angry.

She is terrified.

She is overjoyed.

She is sad.

She is exhausted.

She feels like everything is impossible.

She sees no color.

She hears no cheer.

She feels no love.

She is hiding in the corner,

crying.

She is running through crowds,

smiling.

She is standing under the pouring rain,

frowning.

She is lost her own ego.

She is something the world forgot.

She has no hands to hold.

She is hurting.

She is empowered.

She feels alive.

She is dying.

She blames herself for everything that happens.

She loves herself,

blaming the world for leaving her behind.

She loves the pain.

She hates the gooey,

clean,

warm red ooze,

when she loses herself.

She is just an out-lander.

She is just trying to fit in.

She is just an ordinary girl.

She just wants to be normal.

But she can’t,

because the devil inside her head,

had consumed all her sanity.

Nothing can stop her.

Nothing can cure her.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Unless,

she gives in to the pain,

and let her body vaporized,

into nothing but dust.