The long ombre hair, the vibrant matte lips, bohemian kind of clothes, and round white-framed glasses. It is like I am looking in a mirror. The differences are that she is six cm shorter than me, more slender, and not prettier than most women. What she says is what I said, all the things she does are what I did in public, but whatever she feels will not be the same feelings that I have. She can copy me or either way. But my life will always be mine and she can never take it for granted. If she can copy me but still cannot be me, what’s the fun?
The passage is murky, it gives me chill.
What time is it? The cold night wind penetrates through my olive skin.
I’m scared, but I need to keep going.
I have to run away before the Minotaur captures me!
I was finally sleeping after fighting my insomnia for a year. The Dryads helped me with their song.
Yes, I was finally at ease. Until the Minotaur came to my wigwam and scattered all my books, as usual looking for an answer that is never there.
The Dryads didn’t give me a warning sign before their arrival. I was hiding under my blanket, until the Minotaur gave up his search. Minotaurs are blind at night, they don’t see very clear in the dark. That’s why I need to keep going further this passage. I don’t know what’s on the end of this passage, but I keep on going.
Rumbling sounds came from behind me. Like a tractor lost control in a corn maze, trying to swallow and cut everything in its way.
I swipe away my newly coming tears with the sleeve of my pajama. I cuss in between my breath, why didn’t I remember to put on thicker pajamas during Autumn nights? It’s almost winter!
I keep running deeper than the passage itself.
I found myself running into Steep Hill in Lincoln. I can run up or down there! All I have to do first is to look for an open shop and knock, but in this matter I need to burst in before the Minotaur gets here!
But it’s dark! All the shops are closed, somehow the pubs are out of business tonight. Where do I go? Up or down? Either way, I can’t find a place to hide. At least, not soon enough.
Without thinking twice I continue running down the Hill to Well Lane.
Wait, how do I still remember the name if this street? I feel like I’m home. But this is not my home, but I know I’m back to somewhere I used to belong in.
My home is in the Fantasy world! This is England, I suppose? Did I come from this world before I was lost in the Fantasy world? They’re two different worlds.
In Fantasy world, there will be no darkness allays the living creatures. There will be stars and bright full moon. In this world, the sky looks…sad and empty.
I need to stop wandering around, I need to hide!
Oh, I know just the right way! I remember this road. It will lead me to somewhere I can’t recall. But I know this place, I remember what it feels like to be living in my own nightmare.
I remember I’d always hated this place and wished to leave. I did! But why am I back here again?
Was that the passage I took that led me to the Fantasy world?
Why is it so easy to find, yet I’ve been living there for 10 years? Did I forget where I’ve come from?
The rumbling sound is now coming closer to me. It follows me back here!
Run faster! Go hide!
I don’t have to think about which turns I should take, or where this Hill will take me to, because I know where I’m going. I’m familiar with the street around me. The houses and street lamps. The silence. Everything is like in the back of my head in an instance.
I’m almost there.
Straight ahead, my old nightmare.
The place that gives me goosebumps. The place full of horror. The place that leaves the outcry in me. The place I will never forget.
The black gate is still standing tall, even a tornado won’t take it down. None can tear that house apart from the ground.
It is scary. I don’t want to go back inside, because once I set my foot inside I will never go out again.
The roar of an angry Minotaur is echoing from above, all the street lamps burst into flames.
I need to get inside.
I push the gate open without force and it’s already cracked open. I run inside and close the gates carefully behind me, trying not to make a creak sound. I continue running deeper into the house.
The scent of violence burns my lungs instantly.
Suddenly, I am taken back into my darkest times. I can’t run back outside, but I am scared to keep on going further into the house. What should I do? Where should I run now? Where can I hide?
The plane was landing safely last night. She lost her track of time, she was blinded by the time. She stayed a night long in the JFK International Airport, too scared to explore the city that never sleeps. She knew she could have just booked a hostel nearby. But she forgot that her phone was still dead and had no service to access Google Map, and she was thinking that she could ask around. Yes, she did several times. But nobody answered her in a manner, like she was just a lost hobo looking for their pities. What they said, “Don’t you have a map?” or “Well, sorry I’ve no time.” in their thick New York accents. Well, she does have a map. It was the little green book from The Lonely Planet her mom bought her a week before her departure. She opened it in so many times, but she realized the she can’t read a map. She could not even read the map inside the airport, she could not find a way out! For God’s sake, such a starter for a young adventurer.
She almost cried that night, but then she met a janitor who was sleeping in the corner of the public restroom inside the Arrivals Area. She was mad, but she was lost and scared. So, she woke him up and asked him which direction is the way out.
“Believe me, you don’t want to go out there looking for a place to settle in by yourself with those loaded baggage.” he told her half smiling like an evil.
“Because you are just going to attract the rebel homeless to rob you out! You’re just a girl and you are new here. They’d know and you are just an easy prey to kill.”
She gasped. She wondered whether to believe him or just go find someone else to ask.
“My suggestion is that you stay here until the sun is up, then you can ‘get lost’ yourself out there!” he stood up. “Go find Starbucks or anything! You’re a white girl, you should be able to enter all the Starbucks stores in this airport.” he walked away, hobbling with one leg.
Well, she did not buy that strange idea. But, at least she knew where to find the way out from the most nicest security she could find. She took the janitor’s advice, but not looking for any Starbucks to stay. She found a Starbucks though in the Arrivals Area, but she was not very keen to buy a coffee or anything. All she wanted was to wish for her mom to be there with her.
As soon as she woke up, she realized it was already bright outside. The light came crashing in from all over the waiting area’s windows. She hurried herself to checking on her stuff. No sign of her being robbed or anything. She went to the bathroom near the Travelex ATM beside gate 1-2 in Terminal 7. She knew it would be awkward if she did brush her teeth, wash her face, and clean herself in the public bathroom. But she did, and she gave no crap about being stranded in an airport without knowing good manners. She gasped looking at the white rounded clock above the mirror. 10.00 AM. So, she set her flowery Swatch to 10.
She was blinded by the sunlight once she stepped outside the gate. Her body was charged by the warmth of July summer breeze, it was almost August. She still had nowhere to go. She took her first step into the new world, into the new beginning of her dreadful yet challenging adventure. She was all alone, with only one full JanSport backpack, and a heavy luggage. She took a long deep breath, and then she carried on. Walking with a thumb thumb thumb heartbeats and without no regret.
Double Happiness (喜喜) is a Chinese symbol of marriage which means “Joy”. Chinese people still believe about the old myth, “if they put this ‘囍’ sign on their wedding decoration, they will be blessed for a happy life”. But some people always assume the meaning of Double Happiness is for love that is equal. Like when you are accidentally fall in love with someone, and that someone is actually feeling the same as you do. Like there is some kind of a connection, an invisible bond, that somehow pull you into someone’s life. Look at the symbol, there are two same symbols. One represents the girl and the other one represents the guy. The image of the two lovebirds standing next to each other, and imagine an aisle around them, with a beautiful white gown made of pure silk wraps up tight the girl’s body. And a perfect black and white suit, with a red bow tie like a butterfly ready to fly on the man’s collar neck. The joy of being in love. To fall in love and be loved. The love that is equal. The love that is pure.
Call her stupid. The dumbest living creature. She is heartless. No brain inside that head. Yet, she is no evil. She was just on a liquefaction of her own maturity. Getting to know what kind of love are there outside her world. But she started to learn in a very early dawn, too fast for her age. Such a gravy she gave to all lusts that might ruin herself. Too easy to believe on myths. She would be pleased to be in hijinks along with the people she should have been avoided. It was easy for anyone to disintegrate her ego. But, she was strong enough to fight on her side.
Why would anyone crush such a strong stone? The jocular kind of torturing, busting up her world. No body would have touched her purity of soul. But this one contemptible person has always been on her way, wrecking up her soul, mind and body. He is tearing her world apart, yet she holds on.
“Why would you hold on to him? Let him go, you deserve better!”
“He is just a boy, and he is just like us, a human. I believe in every each of us, there is a little hope inside our hearts to be changed.” she said.
“How can you do this to yourself? Aren’t you tired?”
“I can because I trust him. I’m hurt, I’m broken, I’m exhausted, I’m all cracked up.” she admitted.
“Why? I don’t understand you at all…”
“Neither do I…” she walked away.
She gritted her teeth while holding back the tears. She knew what kind of suffering that would come after her. She clenched her fists in both hands to prevent her body from shivering. She was terrified, every time they had a conversation something unbearable would happen. They argued a little about sexist, that women are no better than men. Something so insignificant and trifling, but for her having a debate was amusing. But unfortunately, it was the wrong time to be pleasant.
“You don’t know anything about ‘sexist’ because you are not even a man.” it came out of her tongue so wrong.
“So, are saying that I’m not a manly man?” He snapped out the question like he was going to lash out her teeth.
“No, but you are not gentle enough to argue that men are better social creatures then my people.” She explained. “I mean, look at the fact that you don’t even care about my honor at all.”
“I DO!” he shouted. “Tell me, what wouldn’t I do for you?”
“Now, would you do it if I tell you not to kiss me right now?”
She leaned on a little bit closer to him inside their dark secret getaway. That place where they use for hiding from the world, from the reality, from the possibility of breaking apart.
“That’s cheating!” He turned his head away from her.
“No, it’s not cheating! I’m just testing you.”
She leaned back to the wall beside him, sitting side by side. They both were blinded by the love that they thought was eternal. They think about getting married in so many times, yet no one dares to commit their true motility to one another.
“I don’t like where this topic is going…” he said.
Too late, she enjoyed it. Once she did, there is no way out of her game.
“Okay, you can kiss me now!” she huddled in closer to him. She put her lips under his right ear. “But, I want you to kiss me in a passionate way. By love, not lust.”
“That should be easy.” He caught up in her game, again.
“BUT…” she pushed his face away when he started to kiss her. “No hands. I want you to put both of your hands on your back. No touching any part of my body! Got it?”
One second, two seconds, three seconds…. three whole minutes they were lost in each other’s mouth. She felt the love that she always have for him, he felt the same. They were both once again lost in the term of true love. In the fourth minute, he started to reach out his hands. One step at a time. Within every breath, his hands got closer and closer to her body. First on her face, and then down to her neck. In a second, his fingertips had already been moving slowly along her collar bones. She could feel the tickling sensation inside her tummy. That kind of feeling, she loves it. She let his hands to move around freely. She played along for a minute. When his hands stopped in her stomach, she let out a huge breath. She pushed him away, and she cried.
“What’s wrong? Did I do it too hard?” He looked a little bit worried.
“NO, you idiot! I loved it.” she answered between her cries.
“Then why are you crying?”
“Because you didn’t keep your words! How can I ever trust you again?”
She showed up her tears. She could feel the dropping tears on her chin, falling dawn to the floor which she might never wanted to step on again.
“I’m sorry! I thought the game was over…”
“That was not even a game!” she stood up. “Don’t let me hear any of your promises again! You fail me, for the thousandths time, and I could still see myself being hanged by your words.”
She walked away. She turned her back on him. She left him in the dark with nothing less. Would she ever forgive him? Would she ever trust him again? Would she hold on to her own fairy tale?
Lust is not love. They are two different things. But sometimes people misunderstood both terms. They were blinded by lust which they thought it was love. And they died of disdainful hopelessness.
“What is the meaning of Double Happiness?” she asked.
“I have no idea…” he answered.
“I think it’s telling us about true love.” she said.
“How can you tell?” he asked.
“I can’t. Just a random thought…” she told him.
“Okay, then.” he nodded.
“It’s correct, isn’t it?” she demanded.
“About what?” he doubted.
“Double Happiness. True love.” she explained.
“I don’t know,” he paused. “Let’s just find out.” he smiled.
She smiled. They smiled.
(n) A lover of rain;
Someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days.
There is nothing wrong loving someone, or just simply falling in love. Love is free, but no one gets to warn it has its own limitation. Love does not cost any inquiries, but love gets to spend the strength of peoples’ minds. Love has no price, but it is precious like a treasure. Love is invisible, but it hurts when it breaks a heart. Love is a pleasure. Though love is not a need, but everyone has it. Every kind of love, every kind of affection, every kind of happiness. Love does not require rules, but it is implied on some laws.
Sometimes you can find love in any different way. The kind of love that is common, the same tragedy that everyone shares, is a one-sided love that lasts. No, a different kind of pain but it hurts more. Both sides fight for one another, with only one reason, for two strengths. The love that has the meaning of value, of faith, of believe, and to be shared for one same history. No one can handle what had been there since the day of their birth. No one can control what God had been planned. Even if running away from the reality seems easy, no ways can make it real. It only leaves you for two choices; (1)leave what you’ve been having for long, or (2)leave what you’re having forever.
Knock… Knock… Knock…
She’s heard that sound before.
Knock… Knock… Knock…
The banging on the door.
Knock… Knock… Knock…
Her name being called.
She didn’t want to put her hopes up. She’s had enough. But the knocking on the door wouldn’t just stop. She knew who it was. She knew she should just open the door, even if it was going to bring back her memory. He kept knocking and calling out her name.
“No, don’t! Stop calling out my name!” She screamed inside her head.
Even how loud she put her iPod on, she could still hear that knocking. Her heart thumped within the knocking, the same pace and emotion. She closed her eyes, she tried to pretend that she was not inside her flat with his favorite blanket over her top. She calmed herself, not wanting to cry again. The knocking stopped, he gave up so easy. Again her heart was aching from the early surrender. She kicked herself out of the blanket and rushed to the door. One hand on the handle, the other shaking so hard on the key. One way to open the door, one way to just end this waiting. Even if it wasn’t raining, even if the sun was still up, she opened the door.
He was there, almost entering his own world that he never wanted to share on her. He turned around and saw her there also standing on her own wonderland. For the first second, nothing happened. They only stared to one another without saying anything. Although, he knew what she was hiding inside her closed mouth. He’s hurt, for a moment. Not because of the memory, but because she opened her door too late. He felt rejected, he felt guilty knocking on her door. Because once he enters her world, returns to the love of his life, he can’t never let go again. But she was there, waiting something to happen.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He finally said.
No, the guilty was his pleasure. She hated him. She loved him. She forgot what he had done, and she promised that she’d remain invisible to him. No, she lied.
“No, it’s okay. I wasn’t sleeping anyway.” She is not the smartest liar in the universe. She laughed awkwardly. “I was in the bathroom.”
“Oh, yeah…” He didn’t turn around. He was in the middle of letting himself in or out. “I figured.”
“So, what’s up?” She asked with agony.
“Nothing. I was just wondering if you are available tonight.” He said, confused between asking or informing.
No, he would not. No, he would not dare to ask something like that. He would not start asking me a question begins with that kind of curiosity. “I don’t know. Why?”
He paused and he only stared, not right to her eyes but it was weird that he stared on her shadow. “Oh, okay. Just come by to my stand if you have time. My group is going to start the business tonight. It’s our grand opening. So, maybe you should visit.”
“Oh, okay. I’ll try.” She lost her mind. Every little words that’s been said, a promise was made.
That night, she was supposed to have a business meeting with her group. But it was hard not to think of her promise earlier that afternoon. The sky was turning grey, the sun was hiding in the back of black clouds, the wind was cold but dry. She walked with five other members of her group to the meeting. But it was only her that could feel a little happiness inside her head when the rain started to drop little by little. She is a Pluviophile, she loves the rain, she enjoys the darkness. The hard rain came pouring down after 10 minutes of their arrival. The meeting was starting, but her mind couldn’t stop wondering around through the hard rain. Her eyes could not stop looking for him in the rain, hoping that he would be there, demanding for her promise. No, he was there across the hall where she had the meeting, but he only stared not willing to ask for anything. She was failed, again.
It was a hard rain. A long and sad hard rain. She walked under it, trying to forget about his ignorance. But the effort was just only infuriated her. She ran a little under her own pain lugubriously. She felt so stupid. But she knew that she could not repay her own mistake in the past. She could only regret everything.
The rain was suddenly disappeared, but the darkness was still all around her. The raindrops still touched her skin, even if her body had all already been wet.
“Let’s go home…”
It wasn’t real. She didn’t look back. She didn’t smile. She didn’t run. The only thing she remembered after being tied up to her own blanket that night, that she had forgiven the same mistake again.
Pluviophile, she enjoys the rain. She feels the warm inside the cold. She loves the raindrops.
“If we don’t stop something bad from happening, it’ll keep spreading until it’s nearly impossible to do anything about it.” – The Future of Us (Jay Asher)
Sometimes i feel like the world doesn’t give me the best luck on me. Everyday is a pain and torture. I am strong, but my tears just won’t fight it. Life can be cruel to anyone. People want to be judged fair and nothing seems so fair on people like me. What’s the different with me and other people? I am breathing. I live like a human being. But my life is different. When people survive a day and saying, “life is so unfair…” That’s true. But when someone considered as the most miserable, think it again. What i think is as long as you can use your legs and arms, you are not miserable. You are just ungrateful.
“Maybe we have to cancel this trip,” said mom, turning her heads away from the telephone.
I have been suffering from 3 years of Quadriplegic. Not much i can do except breathing.
“No, we have to do this. Try one more time!” Dad apparently became a little anxious during the debate between mom and the women who forbid me flying in any of their planes.
Mom nodded. She turned back to the telephone,”Can you please consider something else. my son needs it. Maybe there’s a flight that will provide Mike’s equipments, if there is not we will provide it ourselves. But, please maybe there’s something you can do.”
She looked desperate.
“Sorry, we can’t insure you for a journey like that”
I could hear her voice from across the line.
Fine, this is final. I won’t go. I can’t.
I told my mom before i wanted to go to Switzerland. When they asked me why, i didn’t tell them. I just need them to see what i was planning on. But, i’m afraid now i can’t go near Switzerland, and i have to cancel my appointment with the Dignitas.
Maybe i’ll try it myself, it sounds desperate.. i know. And i am desperate. You don’t know how it feels not to be able to youse both hands and legs. You’ll be thinking the same with me if you’re in my position right now.
Life is just not fair. But unfairness sometimes can bring a good solution.
Story inspired by Jojo Moyes – Me Before You.
Do you remember Harry Potter? Of course you do. Who doesn’t know about Harry Potter, right?
You see, in the 7 series of Harry Potter there were so many deaths.
Harry Potter is a boy who lost his parents. He loved his parents so much, though he never really met them when they were killed by Voldemort. His parents were the most important to him. They were everything for him. Sometimes, he missed them. But sometimes, he became strong because of it.
He was helped so much by his parents, though only the spirits. He went through such hard times in the year of his school year. Hogwarts was his home.
He didn’t lose everything, but he had lost almost all his important people in his life. But, he was strong. So he could live through it.