Will You?

Will you hurt if I leave?

Will you try to stop me?

Will you find me if I’m gone?

Will you hold me like you used to?

Will you keep your promises?

Will you ever love me like I do?

Will you say ‘I love you’ like the first time it felt real?

Will you stay if I do?

Will you?

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A Constellation

“I have never seen a constellation this beautiful.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, in fact, I have never seen any constellation before in my life.”

I never leave my eyes from the full moon in the night sky, but I know that he is smiling beside me.

“Welcome to my world,” he says with his eyes never leave me.

“Your world is breathtaking!” I say with a smile. “I want to stay.”

“Stay as long as you like.”

My smile fades. “I grew up in big cities,” I say lowering my eyelids. “I could only dream this moment.”

“How many cities?”

“Four,” I say with a little regret in my heart for moving so much. “One of them is full of skyscrapers and the rest does not have much.”

“Hmm,” he responds in mumble.

“There was a day I wished the city would just turn off all the lights, shut down all the sounds, and stop every moving thing,” I say opening up my eyes even wider.

“Why?”

“So that everyone can enjoy a clear night sky, even though with only a slight moonlight appears from the back of black clouds.” I shift my body to the right and face him. “Do you want to know my world?”

He nods. “But only for a few second, perhaps.”

“Why?” I frown and hurt a little.

He moves his head a little to catch my eyes. “I only want to peek a little of where you come from. Like you said, it is not as pretty as my world.”

I lay back down. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“When we come back,” he moves closer to me. “Will you stay here with me forever?”

I blink several times. I am in shock but I don’t want to show it. I am happy when he says ‘forever’ but I also want to keep the happiness for myself. “With you and all of this?” as I say pointing to the sky that is full of white dots. “Yes, of course! But with one condition!”

“What is that?”

I smile. “Don’t let anybody else see our world.”

He smiles. “I promise,” he takes my hand. “It is just going to be you and me. Forever.”

He

He grips the steering wheel so hard until his palms are all white and pale. He is driving with a blind mind and no directions. The road is still wet and so does his car. Most people hate a rainy Saturday because it could ruin their weekend plans, not him. At least not today, not even a storm can stop him from seeing her.

She was so pretty today, as always. Her smile is so addictive. It was so hard to avoid her, to forget about her existence, and to pretend that she never existed. Dang, it was because of that day when he finally met her again on their friend’s graduation. It was then when it all started again, like something triggered inside his chest to remember the pain she used to create.
They have all the fun he had almost forgotten. Just the two of them walking around the mall, watching a movie while sharing popcorn, and a pretty nice lunch and top it with a semi-romantic dinner. It has been so long since they went on a date, it has been years since they had separate ways with other people. Once again, he felt that regret of giving up on her so fast. It was the hardest thing to do, letting go of the person that worth five years of waiting.
He is sitting quietly inside his car, still not letting go of the steering wheel. He sighs. Despite today’s date and the rain, he is not sure about his own feeling. The flash of images come right into his mind. Those two beautiful dark eyes staring into his, her small round nose that would widen whenever she moves her jaw, her soft voice that would melt any guy’s heart, and those fine thin lips that are so soft and tempting. He could not stop thinking about kissing those lips all day. With the post-raining kind of scene, with a slow song from the radio, and a deep conversation he could not resist breaking a promise and ruining someone else’s life that he had forgotten all day.

It is weird that he feels happy, angry, guilty, lost, and there is something else inside him that is screaming… another regret. Today was a mistake, he knew all along. It was something that he should have been avoided. But she made him ignore all the possibilities of losing someone precious. It was an inevitable sin that any human cannot deny, a mistake that everyone would make at least once in their life time. Because true love can be blinded by a single smile and a pretty face. Even when he knows that someone else’s life was at stake. A human being can be a deadly weapon to kill another human being. Love is nothing but a paradigm.

I

I, a person who hates crowds but scared of being lonely. I, a female who does not believe in love but is always in need of a male’s affection. I, an independent woman but is clingy over a man’s excessive indulgence. I, the kind of partner who gives freedom but also scared of getting hurt and betrayal. I, such a complicated creature. It drives people crazy. It pushes them away.

The rain always makes everything worse especially when RY X songs are playing in the background. It is such a dark muse. I am staring into space, it makes my eyes hurt because of the cold wind that blows through my open window and stings them whenever I forget to blink. I have been sitting in my bed since this morning with my phone next to my feet. A rainy Saturday is so bad for my mood, especially when I have no plan to be out there playing under the water drops. I have tried to ask some people out, but they are not like me. I do not grow in a forest full of other trees. I am like the rare Encephalartos Woodii, it always needs a mate. But where is my mate right at this moment, when I really need him the most? I need him to pull me away before I fall deeper into this dark deep hole that I am already in. My phone screen is still a pitch black, cold concrete plastic, and as dead as the wish for a rescue. Dang, the rain is not only falling from the sky. Now the rain is inside my two red blotched eyes.
The sky turns dark far too quickly. I have not yet left my bed. Even when the land is already dry my eyes are still watering. The windows are still in the same spot. The storm could not even move them. The phone screen is never alive, and the hope of a dim light has faded away along the rain. Waiting for someone who will never come to rescue me is like a long highway without no turns and no stop. I keep driving until the car is dead on its own until it runs out of fuel. I have been repelling the urge to reach him first, but the rejection is what haunts me and it always has been on every Saturday with or without rain. I am only pleading. Wondering where he might be.

Someone Better or Nothing at All

Have you ever experienced losing your loved ones? I have. I lost one of my older sisters to an accident and I was old enough to suffer from a great condolence. Some people lost their families when they were still an infant. Does the feeling still consider the same? But they won’t suffer as much because they barely knew the people who leave them behind. There were five, now it becomes just the four of us. We lost the middle child, the barrier between the rulers and the followers, and she was always the wisest among all of us. I was supposed to be the rebel in the house, but she always reminded me that I have to be a good example for the youngest brother. If I kept acting reckless, who would watch him when I was the only person left in the house.

Two of our oldest siblings had already been married and she was one step closer to graduation and leaving me in charge of becoming the oldest child. Yes, she did leave me in charge but why did she have to leave me so far away and a little bit too soon? She did not say she would leave for good! It’s no fair that nobody knew.
But with her leaving all of us, it taught the four of us to be more grateful for each other’s company. She brought us closer and she made us understand truely about the love of a family. We become more giving to one another and I can feel the presence of God among us whenever we are together during Christmas. God brings her along on this special day and we become whole again every once in a year.
I become more responsible with my actions. When I was still naive, I used to be so mad to everyone all the time. But she taught me how to forgive and to accept fate. People are still hurting me from every corner of my life, but then I will always remember the smile on her face. I thought I would cope in sadness for too long and that my life would be ruined. But look at me now…by accepting fate and forgiving all the guilts in this world I am standing still and tall in places I thought I would never be, receiving achievements that I thought was just for people who have not through enough pains to get there, and my life goals are crossed out one by one.
The lost of someone you love can be two things, I know it is an ugly experience and a deathly pain, but you can be either someone better or nothing at all. When you lost someone important in your life, God is teaching you to be ready for anything at all whether you like it or not.

Billie Eilish – idontwannabeyouanymore


Don’t be that way
Fall apart twice a day
I just wish you could feel what you say
Show, never tell
But I know you too well
Kind of mood that you wish you could sell

If teardrops could be bottled
There’d be swimming pools filled by models
Told “that tight dress is what makes you a whore”
If “I love you” was a promise
Would you break it, if you’re honest
Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard before
I don’t wanna be you anymore

Hands getting cold
Losing feeling’s getting old
Was I made from a broken mold
Hurt, I can’t shake
We’ve made every mistake
Only you know the way that I break

If teardrops could be bottled
There’d be swimming pools filled by models
Told “that tight dress is what makes you a whore”
If “I love you” was a promise
Would you break it, if you’re honest
Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard before
I don’t wanna be you
I don’t wanna be you
I don’t wanna be you anymore

The Unexpected

There are two kinds of people on this planet;

  1. The one who’s expecting the unexpected
  2. The one who just lets the unexpected happens

I am both, I guess. I chase opportunities. But when they take some times, I usually back away slowly but leave my whole heart on the way hoping it will come again. Then boom, the unexpected happens when I am almost losing all hopes. I don’t know what God has planned, but mostly He writes my story with so much minor plot twists. They twirl my world a little bit too much in here and there, making a small hurricane without the storm.

You can imagine how much the life of a 22 year old has gone up and down. It fluctuates every five minutes. One minute she feels lucky, the next minute she is attacked by the series of unfortunate events. It can be anything! From the moment she opens her eyes and even before she takes the first breath, something will change quickly. Maybe she gets a text from a cute guy blessing her morning, or maybe even a break up text.

One night, the haunting hour has not yet passed by. The phone in my hand kept ding-ing with the multiple texts from three people at the same time. One text full of jokes, gossips, and curses. The other text full with recalling back happy memories. The last text full with one-sided arguments and recriminations.

I cried and then laughed. Then when there were spare times away from them, I’m brooding. Looking up at the ceiling, staring at the flowery beam around the lamp, thinking I might end one of the conversations, having enough plot twists for one night. The texts of jokes, gone without closure. The texts with memories, never been opened since. So I decided to finish the arguments instead, anyway I never like it to sleep with a head full of thoughts.

A small plot twist. The arguments turned into my breaking point where I no longer believe in the future. One thing that flipped it upside down, the proof of a chance to find a long lost human being that was once my whole world but a tornado blew him away. One future closing up, another one coming in ahead. Maybe, just a 0.50% maybe because it had to get through a bumpy road up and down some hills.

Another small plot twist. The arguments continued without ending, even after ignoring seemed ruthless. A small pop-out on my screen turned the frown right-side-up, creating a heat that caused blush. In a single click, I know what I had to do! To make more plot twist, but this one was the biggest of all. The major one and I knew my life would change forever. I threw away the only toxic in my life and I could feel a load of burdens lifted up from my chest. If you are a woman, you would probably know how it feels. You know that feeling of freedom and relieve when you finally take off your bra after 12 hours? I know right?!

Then, yes I took small and careful steps to take the risk. I am not the kind of person who is scared of being alone. I rarely crave for a relationship, I am the other wise. I always have been in chains longing for liberty. But I still considered gambling to win the war I had lost once, seven years ago. I have had taken the same chance when God cracked open the door a little, but my move was reckless and aimless. I hit the door instead of entering, he was gone again by the time I stood back up. Then, I waited… waited… until God opened the door big enough for me to slip in smoothly.

“Hey, how are you? It’s been so long since the last time we talked.” 

I knew it, waiting patiently would finally make everything worth in the end. God is opening so many doors and behind each of them are the plot twists you can make your own self. Big and small. The biggest plot twist in my entire life (yet), the return of a missing human being. It sounds simple, but if you know how I had lost all of my hopes but still leaving my whole heart with that person, this is a triumph almost like a lifetime achievement. Well, because it takes a lifetime for me to be able to reach for it. Once I have it in my hands, it will always remain there.

So, hold on to the unexpected. Hold on to your dreams. When you almost lose all hopes, back away a little, slowly, but if you think your heart belongs there then leave it somewhere along the way. Someday it will find the way back to you along with the dreams you almost gave up on.

Be both kind of person. Expect and let it happens when the time comes.

Persevere, my friends!

What makes a person happy? Define happy!
What do you think a happiness means? Is eating your favorite food a happiness? Is sleeping early after a long day a happiness? Is working in a company with high salary a happiness? Once again, define what happiness means!
For me, happiness is when you are living your life the way it is supposed to be. Do you understand what I am saying?
Living is easy, but surviving is a different kind of matter. If you think your life is what you define happy, are you doing what you love? or are you just being grateful? Being grateful is important, but if you do it just to love what you do, you are not happy. At all.
People sometimes say, “I am happy with my life and I am grateful for what I have right now.” Yeah, by that it means there are still things in your life you wish to fulfill but you can’t because you stop reaching for it somehow to be grateful. Be grateful, but do not stop reaching for things you want to achieve and how you want to live your life.
It is easy for me to say that while I am still not happy with my own life, I know. How can I even say this such thing? Because I am trying so hard to get my life together.
Why am I not happy with my life? Maybe because I am not living in grace? NO! I am grateful that God still gives me so many opportunitiies to take, to give so many second chances, to help me through my depression. But do you even question why God still offers that many opportunities for you to take? Because God believes that you can lead yourself into what you called happiness by yourself. In the end, all the choices are for you to make.
If you are a fresh graduate, take some times off from the outside world. Give yourself a little credit, or in other word a reward, after wasting your sleep for 12 years! Take naps, take trips to anywhere you want, go to the beach or go camping, stay home all day or all week finish that tv series you have been wanting to watch, stay up all night scrolling through your instagram feed or binge watch Netflix, read a Trilogy, wake up very late that you miss your breakfast and it becomes a routine not to have one, exercise as much as you want (it is time to get your shape back!), take classes like cooking class or Spanish or anything really, basically do all the things you can before you go back to ruining your life. Once you go back to having morning – night routines every five days in a week, you will never be truely enjoying more of your years. Youth is far beyond your reach and you will never get it back. People say, “Ah youth, you’re still 20 something, you are still young and free.” YOUNG AND FREE? Who are you calling young and free? I can only see a destitute human being who hates her life. Yeah well, age does not lie but the experience in your life does. I am still 22 (soon will be 23. Yikes!), with small figures like a 15 year old (some part of my body won’t grow along the biological infancy of a human being), but I’m dressed by the Law of maturity looking like I am a 30 year old woman, living my life daily like a 40 year old. Really, on the inside I am screaming to put on those ripped jeans everyday with my knackered converse and hanging out with friends at the beach with my H&M two piece.
But remember, you know it won’t last forever. You can’t always have fun without income. Unless, you know how to make money by doing really nothing at all, then sure why not!
Give yourself a time limit. 3 months – 1 year would be enough. By the time you are resting from reality, you will figure out what you want to do, who you want to be, and what kind of action you must take next. You will plan out a whole future ahead of you under your own command.
The mistake people often make is that once they graduate University, they go straight to focus on applying for a job (any kind really) that they nearly forget about their own mental health. Those vacant days of theirs are filled with stress and burdens for not having a job, they forget to fill them with some fun. They are often jealous watching their friends sitting in front of a computer all day thinking about vacation with a proper sleep and rest, hey those with no jobs still can have the opportunities that all the employed friends desire! Enjoy while it lasts!
Now, onto the employed and lifeless friends. Are you really okay with your job? Are you really enjoying your Monday? If you already hate a Monday, that means you are not okay with your job. If you are already complaining on Saturday night thinking that tomorrow is your last chance to have a rest or hang out, you should think twice to stay in your job. Consider taking another chance to have your life planned out but you still can enjoy it. Here is what you have to ask yourself, “How not to hate Mondays?” because if you can start to embrace just one day, the rest of the days will not be a problem.
I have friends both who hate their jobs and who love their jobs. Me? HAHA I am in the category of ‘Those Who are in Identity Crisis’ I will not lie, I truly deeply honestly hate my job. But I don’t complain as much as I used to (my first mistake is that I am just like all of those fresh graduates who are too eager to cut off youth in order to grow up so fast).
I realize that people who hate their job but they stay anyway are the kind of people with this mind, “I have to stay in this job if I want to survive!” it is all about money. You can always find money, but your own sanity is more important. My friends who love their jobs, I still cannot relate to them. I envy each and every one of them to talk about how their jobs are hard but worth the fight. The boss that is so nice you can’t possibly hate him or her. The colleagues that you always hang out with every night after work and on weekends and never really talk about how shitty their job is. I want that kind of feeling and experience, when they wake up every morning with a little a smile and a little bit of joy to survive another day. I want to be blessed, too.
My friends who hate their jobs, those I can easily relate too. Some of them have already quitted, some of them still stuck. We have the same opportunity to change our lives, from little scraps like finding a good job that will fit. I just realize, that those who are not enjoying things at work are the people who live under someone’s expectation but still push more. Persevere, my friends. Take all the opportunities you can get, improve, and just do what you love. Live your life well. If you hate your job, just quit! Don’t stress yourself so much. If you find no reason to stay, then why are you still reading this in front of your computer screen stealthily so that your boss will not find out you have been procrastinating your work?! Go out there, find your life purpose, find your happiness, find yourself! Be happy. Do not let anything or anyone hold you back.
Good luck!