Hide!

Hide!

My instinct tells me to hide.

I am once again back in the orphanage, where I have spent all my life here. The only place that is giving me nightmares every night, the only place that gave me this bad insomnia. I have always been scared both to sleep and awake. But now, I am back. I know it’s just a place for hiding. I can still sneak around and run back to Fantasy world when the Minotaur has already gone. Will I ever be able to do so?

I have tried to hide and run away from here several years ago, but I kept failing until I gave up. Then when I had stopped trying, there was where I could finally disappear for good. It was the moment when I discovered the murky passage that led me to Fantasy world.

Creaak..

Someone is tip-toeing the wrong footing somewhere. I remember just well how one of the wooden tiles in this building, especially in several steps of the stairs, are not concrete that make squeaking sounds when someone steps on them.

I gasp.

Hide!

My instinct is yelling now. I look around the dark and humid room to find a small opening. I know where to hide! I run as quietly as I can but fast enough to reach the spandrel closet under the stairwell. This small closet has never been used or opened before. Because just like me, we are oblivious. I used to hide here when I didn’t want to be bothered. They never found me.

The small door does not seem so apparent, that’s why everyone doesn’t notice it that much. But somehow, for me the small stripes of ventilation on the wooden door are the most visible in this house.

I hook one of my fingers to one of the ventilation and tug the door out, making a small gap just for my body to get in. I have to fold my legs and hug them to my chest now. So, I’m taller now since I went missing? Because I still could sit straight the last time I hid here.

“Who’s there?”

Someone is whispering loudly from the bottom of the stairs, just meters away from where I’m breathing.

I cover my mouth with my hand to hide the sound of me who is suddenly panting.

“Is anyone there?”

The footstep is getting closer to where I hide.

No,

“Hello?”

He sounds scared. We both are.

“Please, come out!”

His voice is now right outside the spandrel door.

No!

“Are you in there?”

I can see his eyes wandering in the darkness.

They are so blue.

“Jill?”

I gasp. My tears suddenly appear. My heart suddenly thuds and then stops beating. My hands are cold, but sweats spurting out from my forehead.

He knows my name.

He knows where I hide.

Who is he?

I’m scared.

Where do I go now?

The Negative and Positive Sides of Being an Introvert

*note : this post is based on my own opinions. So if someone is offended or have different opinions, please speak up.

Me, one of the Introverts standing between Extroverts, trying to survive in such a cruel world.

Someday I would love it being an introvert, the other day I would envy the extrovert.

Being an introvert isn’t all bad and isn’t all pleasing at the same time either. Being an introvert is…complicated. Living in the world with classes is hard. You will never be equal, I mean everyone is different. But why is it hard for us introverts to fit in with society like extroverts can easily do?!?!

No extrovert can understand what us introverts feel and think!

Here are some negative and positive points of being an introvert.

POSITIVE ;

  1. When people ignore you, you won’t get hurt as much as extroverts will. Because you know why, introverts like to be invisible. We tend to be oblivious and sometimes people will never realize about our existence, not until we make a sound.
  2. Introverts are calm and quite. So when people get tired of dramas, an introvert can be a good companionship and sometimes a good human diary.
  3. We don’t mind being alone and doing everything by ourselves. Because introverts hate loud people. So, when we are put in a condition where we have to deal or do anything alone, there’s nothing to worry about.
  4. I’m not so sure why, but most in my case people tell me that introverts give the best advises. We have our own thoughts. We are so unpredictable. Though we don’t express more of our feelings, always stay away from crowds and dramas, never put ourselves in public, but an introverts can be a good examiner. We see everything that happens around us because we’re invisible. We know what is going on. We know how to give advise, or even though we can’t, we’ll always be a good listener.
  5. We will never be bored. Or if we do, we can always find something small for entertainment. We don’t need to move around so much, spend money on things we see, we don’t even need to get out. We can simply just chill in front of our laptop, surfing the internet, writing, reading, watching movies, or just enjoying a hot cup of tea while day-dreaming. Anything can become an activity.
  6. Introverts can be a good friend for everyone because we tend to be loyal to someone that we care the most. We don’t socialize much. Making friends is the hardest part we have to do in life. But once we have some close friends, we will never hurt them or betray them. We will protect them. Imagine dating an introvert, you’d be treated as a king. (Well, not really LOL)
  7. If you ever hurt an introvert by accident, just give them sometimes for themselves and they will forgive you no matter what. But they will always remember.
  8.  Like number 6, introverts are loyal. Though introverts hate to be the center of attention, or just to be in a place where there are more than 4 people in the room, once we find someone so close and dear to use, we will never let go. How badly you treat us, we will always forgive and stay although we might never forget, because for us finding the perfect one is such a life-time achievement. I mean, going out there talking to someone is already hard enough. We will treasure that person, but we have limits. We know when to let go or to keep on holding on.
  9. Introverts are creative. It doesn’t mean that extroverts aren’t. But the way we think is different from most of other people out there. This one is hard to be explained, but I don’t know why most introverts are just creative, and weird… but in a cool way.
  10. Introverts are smart. That does not mean extroverts are stupid. Sometimes extroverts can outsmart introverts. People judge us introverts as weird and probably stupid because we never say anything in class, give an argument, or correct someone when they make mistakes. But we’re not. We just don’t talk, we think. Because introverts has the loudest minds then those who speak too much. (no offense!) because we prefer to be silent when we don’t know or do, rather than saying wrong things and being too cocky about it which will only make you look dumber.

NEGATIVE ;

  1. We’re too sensitive. I know when I say introverts are like being to be left alone, but sometimes we want the world to know that we actually exist too. Especially when an introvert has an extrovert best friend. Urgh, that is just hard! Because you will only be more invisible. We can get hurt too you know if someone is ignoring us too much or and too far. Like, HELLO? CAN YOU SEE ME? I’M RIGHT HERE TOO, BREATHING AND ALIVE!
  2. It’s hard to put our thought into words. Like when people ask about how we feel, we’re just going to say that we’re fine which is a lie. Because expressing ourselves, telling the truth about how we exactly feel is harder than to peel of a potato using a spoon. We don’t care about how you feel, and we’re scared if we’re going to tell how we feel and no one will care is a nightmare for us. Because introverts are just TOO SENSITIVE!
  3. Making a friend is hard, let alone to be famous. We’re not confident enough. Why? because I think being invisible will be a lot easier than to be apparent, no one will judge a non-existent human being. You will never be judged. Because no one knows that you’re actually alive. But this will be a bad thing, in terms of love and friendship. It’s hard to get a boyfriend and friends (at least loyal ones)
  4. We’re never a good leader. Because it connects with number 1-3. Think about it…
  5. Introverts always expect the bad out of the good. We don’t expect too much, though we dream as high as a skyscraper. Or we’re more like, pessimist. We’re scared of falling too deep and too hard.
  6. We will always ask ourselves this for the rest of our lives, “Am I brave enough to do that?” “What does it feel like to be the center of attention, to have so many friends who care, to be (at least) someone’s favorite, to be the first choice?”
  7.  We will never know how to be an extrovert
  8. We will always envy extroverts
  9. We will always be the sidekick
  10. Sometimes we pity ourselves to be all alone all the time because your extrovert friends will always have someone else to hang out with, and we will blame ourselves for not making enough friends and for hating everyone too much.

I guess, in the end it depends on your own self. If you enjoy being an introvert that’s okay. But people can change. Depends on how environment effects your attitude, behavior, your life. Depends on how you see the world from your perspective.

If I’m wrong, please correct me.

If you’re agree, thanks…

This is just one of my opinions about something. People are allowed to have their own opinions, aren’t they?

The Meadow

Green grasses and colorful wildflowers.

I see them waltzing with the breezing air,

using the sounds of the wind’s direction.

It is like living in a house with a soft ground,

with a green rug full of dew drops,

and the most bluest roof so high above my head,

with an invisible illumination of bright light.

At night, all is dark and hazing.

But I can touch the sky now.

The invisible illumination of bright light is now visible.

Red, blue, yellow, purple, and green

all in one blurry and complex line.

It is like a long snake,

moving slowly towards me,

and I reach it with my bear hands but I feel nothing.

The northern lights, is it called?

Yeah, they are all everywhere above my head,

enchanting me to go to sleep.

The sounds of beautiful creatures become a lullaby to my ears.

The howling of a wolf,

the hoo-hoo sounds that an owl makes from somewhere beyond the trees,

the crickets make sounds too.

They are my nightingales,

and I don’t want them to stop.

Keep singing, my friends!

We are the dwellers of this earth.

Let us be nocturnal,

let us witness the parade of lights along this meadow’s taste.

This meadow, my friends, is our home.

Home, Family, and Myself

Home is supposed to be the only place where you want to rest your head.

Home is supposed to be where family gets together.

Family is supposed to be one of the vessels you can rely on.

Family is supposed to be the place where secrets are shared and sorrows are obscured.

There is no I among family in a home.

There is only we.

We are supposed to be a family.

I am supposed to be a member.

But we and are not one.

Myself is the one to take care of on its own.

You are the ones that supposed to be.

When myself demands the license to do as one wants,

no rights to be given and a hex you label it.

When myself pleaded the love of a family,

no mercy should be delineated and an enmity you turn over in one’s mind.

What kind of home where the war is between you and myself as supposed to be a family called? 

No home is supposed to be a death penalty of its own self.

No home is supposed to be a punishment for being born.

No home worth a life when one broken soul is still being annihilated.

 

Sisters

The bond is now broken. The love is now fractured. We’ve been shattered, we’ve been burned. We’ve been through everything together since we came to this world. What’s the use of having each other’s back now if we’re only going to turn it all the way around? I don’t know how this happened, all I remember is that she came home with bruises while I was busy playing house with our youngest twin sisters.


 

We live in a farmland and sleep in a small house full of people. My father is a farmer, he grows fresh wheat and fresh vegetables and fruits. My mom is a baker, she always bakes so many kind of breads every morning and sells them to the city. Hannah and I were the ones who deliver them down the town My family is known for our fresh goodies to sell and special deliveries. People in my town love my mom’s Brioche and Manchet. Hannah and I used to pedal our hand-down bicycles to the market to sell the breads and dairies. In the evening, my mom bakes pies and muffins, sometimes biscuits. Then, Hannah and I back to rowing our bicycle to deliver them to the market. We visit houses to deliver our daily customer’s request. They order and pay a day before the delivery, so my mom knows what to bake and how many she has to make.

Hannah and I were so close like twins. Hannah is two years older than me. She was 16 and I was 14 when my mom gave birth to twin girls. Hannah wasn’t happy at all, elseways I was elated. Nevertheless, my parents weren’t too keen either. I was the only one who couldn’t understand what was happening. The three of them reckoned on adoption by stealth, I found out and begged them to let me help raising the twins. Moreover, no one in town wanted to raise twin girls. “There have been too many females in such a puny town like here,” an old woman who’s been friends with my family for years said. Eventually, they agreed to keep the twins and made me promise to watch them while my parents working. I said yes. Hannah stayed silent.

For a year of battles between outcries and  dirty nappies, my family had been receiving frequent complaints about the babies and their slackness of producing fresh goods. “Their cries can be heard from my house which is six miles away, that’s not normal!”, “Your bread does not taste as sweet as it used to, I am going over to the new bakery for further order. Thank you for your lovely services these past three years.”, “I found pieces of baby wipes in the bag of potatoes for almost a year, I did not want to acquaint you such complaint in prior. But it is my grief, suffice to say that I have to finish my order from your farm furthermore. Thank you.”  and more harsh letters came in the following year. Half of the town refused to buy more from our farm. My parents were on the rocks of impoverished and Hannah became more desolated.


Three years had passed. Gratefully, the family survived hungers, exhaustion, and sickness. My father carefully packs the bags of fruits and vegetables after he insisted to move the babies to my room (which is also Hannah’s room). Hannah was not happy about the idea at all. The night when the decision was made, Hannah asserted in disparity. “Why, Father? It is her decision to pet the babies! Don’t talk me into it!”

“They are humans, Hannah. You don’t pet them, you raise them with love!” I practically shouted.

“Hannah, I need the shed back for storage.” The twins have always shared a spare space with the crop yields in the shed. That was why an old man sent us a letter about him finding baby wipes in the sack of potatoes. Too often the twins get rashes from the wheat. There is no room for the twins inside the house. We only have one room which is for me and Hannah, my parents sleep in their own room full with packed vegetables and fruits. The shed is outside the house, I always sneak the twins inside the house and sleep with them on the carpeted floor near the furnace. The sofa is too small for the three of us, but somehow I managed the ugly tapestry became a warm and comfortable mattress. The twins never woke up in the middle of the night or cried, nobody knew I have been sneaking them inside the house for three years. I put them back to the shed early in the morning before everyone wakes up.

“The shed is big enough,” Hannah sulked with tears and angers. “Besides, you always use your room for storage. Why couldn’t you just keep using it, Father?”

“Because your mother has troubled breathing!”

“Then kill them or give them to someone who can afford to pay our debts and their needs!” She yelled. This was the first time Hannah lost control, she used to be so sweet and happy.

I roared and lunged my hands at her. I felt her skin inside my nails, both her cheeks bled. She cried. My mother was too weak to intercede, she has lungs issues when my father started to use their room for storage. My father pulled us away and screamed, “STOP THE FIGHTING!”

Hannah broke off from my claws and snarled teeth, “You should all go to Hell! You are a liar, Father! A liar, I say…”

My father slapped her so hard, she thumped her head into the wall beside her. There was silence. I clutched my hands over my mouth, stopping myself from both crying and shouting. My mother, she passed long ago in her chair breathing slow, grasping air for her wasted lungs.

“You are not grateful for what I have given you for years of your life. You never acting up like this, Hannah. Where is my old Hannah? WHERE IS SHE?”

Hannah stood up with her head bleeding. “Can’t you see her, Father? She had died when you promised her a lie, the day when they were born, the day we lost everything!”

“Hannah, I am still keeping my promise!” he reached out for her hand. I cold feel the guilt in his voice.

“And in what manner would you compensate? We have nothing but disgrace and unworthy drudgery! See all around you, Father!” Hannah left the house that night and didn’t return for a year.

My father and my mother searched all around town for her, sometimes I rowed my bicycle with my twin sisters sleeping comfortably in the sidecar I made. I found the broken sidecar near the pond across my farmland, then I fixed it and attached it to my bike. We would travel to the next towns and neighborhoods from dawn until midnight just to find nothing. I asked my father and my mother what Hannah kept talking about when she indicated that my father was lying, compensation, and promises. My father never said a word because he said he’d failed himself as a father. My mother, she’d cried and suffered a greater lungs problem. She died a month after Hannah disappeared. Then suddenly, Hannah became just a slight name that used to fill up my mind.


A year later when my father was away in his old and rusty truck to the next town for selling the crop yields, someone knocked on the door. The old woman who’s been friends with my mother came to visit and to deliver a news. “My son in Reno found your sister,” she said. “She is working as a baker assistant. She is married with no children. She said she was fine.” I delivered the message to my father that night. In my own scenario, he would be delighted and sobbed from happiness. Instead, he said to me in a murmur “Don’t mention that name to me again!” then he left the table without finishing his dinner.

My father found new customers in the other towns and even the people who used to buy our goodies came back and because our regular buyers once again. I bake the breads every morning and pies every evening, delivering them myself straight to them with my twin sisters. My twin sisters are walking on their own now, I modified Hannah’s old bike for them to use as their own bike.

One day when I was playing house with my twin sisters and my father was away, someone barged in to the kitchen and made loud banging noises. I hurried myself to the kitchen and found Hannah sitting in a chair, crying with bruises all over her body. She was holding a cup of water, her hand trembled relentlessly spilling the water onto her lap.

“Hannah, what happened to you?” I rushed over to her side.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed the words under her wails. “I’m sorry,” she said again.

“For what?” I brushed my hands over her swollen face.

“For everything,” she looked like in a great pain while sobbing her tears out. “I’m sorry, Father…” her voice trailed off and she continued her cry.

I put my hands around her and embraced all the memories we used to make back into my arms. I weep along.

After hours we spent catching up the time we lost, she looked a little bit more like Hannah, my Hannah. I desensitized her bruises and a newly cut injury in her left brow. She ate almost everything on the plate I gave her. Almost the whole loaf of bread I bake this morning, a half strawberry jam I also made, three pouched eggs, two slices of cheese, and a big bowl of chicken soup. The food was supposed to be for Father’s dinner, but I noticed her ribs are almost poked out of her skin and she said to me she hadn’t eaten anything for three days. After she settled, we shared stories. I asked her where she’s been and what happened to her body.

“I was walking without knowing where to go. It was dark that night, so I was blinded by my own direction. I didn’t notice how long and how far I had gone, all I remembered that it was already morning and I stood in the middle of an empty road. I sat there for hours, thirsty, hungry, and tired. I thought I was going to die, until a nice man in his nice car offered me a ride. He asked me where I was going, but I didn’t know where. So, I let him to take me anywhere he wanted.” she paused for a moment.I gave her a glass of water and she sipped the cup empty. Then she started to speak again.

“I fell asleep in the car and woke up to a dark surrounding. I panicked, but the man who took me said we were still on the road looking for a gas stop. We found one and he let me change clothes wearing his and he gave me food. I thought he was a very nice man, so I stayed with him. He took me to Reno, where he owns a tool shop. He gave me shelter, clothes, and food. He even let me worked in a bakery shop across the house. We got married a month later.” her voice trailed off. Her body shivered from a great pain or maybe it was the memory she holds that harmed her.

“I was pregnant two months later. But I lost the baby in the 8th month pregnancy.” she started crying again. She took in a deep breath and continue the story, “I was working and I slipped down the concrete floor. I tumbled down back first then my head. I woke up three days later in the hospital. There was something different with me. I couldn’t feel whole when I woke up. I felt a great pain around my back and there was something missing.”

I could guess it though she didn’t mention anything. She was too weak to recall the past. “I was in the hospital for two weeks. My husband never came to visit, not even once. He said he was busy. So, I came home and I found him there watching TV. We had fights every night since then. He wanted a child, but I can’t give him what he wanted because I ruined almost all my every part of my body. He cheated on me and became violent. He hit me with a baseball stick, sometimes he smacked me with a his own hands. I ran away the night he tortured me, I would die I said in my head. In a slight second, I got a flash of images from the past. How I used to treat the twins and you. How I became so harsh and changed into a monster. I believed it was my debt to pay for all those years. I took that with all my heart. But I didn’t find myself dead the next day, so I ran away. I can’t remember how I got here. But, I still remember where to find my own home.” she smiled weakly. She reminded me of mother before she died.

When the thought of her came into my mind, it was like Hannah could read it.”Where is father? or mother? Are they all right?” I could feel a pang of guilt for not telling her my story before she could ask.

“Father is selling the crop yields to the town,”

“And mother?”

“She died a month after you left,” I said without any guilt. Father had always convinced me that she died because of Hannah. I wanted to believe him, but I never could. Instead, I always blame myself.

She nodded like she already knew.


Father came home with tears when he found Hannah and me laughing with the twins. He didn’t really welcome her at first and he hated the fact that Hannah was still alive. But when he saw her himself, he couldn’t resist the tears. We talked all night, and after a year father and Hannah would tell me what promise they made. Father had promised her money for school. Hannah always wanted to be a dancer, and father promised to sign her in to a dance school in town when she turned 18. But the twins were born and the family went short in money, so father used all her school money for the twins’ needs. That was why Hannah hated them so much. I was the only one who wanted to raise them, so it was all my fault. But father and mother told me that it was their fault. Somehow, I knew but I pretended to disagree.

A month after she was home, Hannah suffered from malnutrition. Her body was still weak and damaged from the miscarriage. Her body refused to heal itself, she ate in a rat portion. She refused to be taken care by doctors. She died from complication a week later. She is buried next to mother’s grave. The twins are now old enough to understand what is happening around them. They are learning to bake breads with me. Father has collected enough money from selling in different towns for one of the twins’ tuition. He signed one of them to the dancing school he promised to Hannah, one of them stays home to learn baking while helping with other matters.

Hannah is my sister, now and then. The twins came to this world for a reason. Hannah didn’t lose herself, she just lost her way. She went to the wrong direction. She’s paid her debts and now she is happy to watch us living our lives back, even better than years before, from Heaven with mother. They reunited. I hope they’ll wait for us to be reunited once again. Hannah, don’t forget me. I won’t forget you. Forever and wherever, we are destined to be sisters.


 

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST, HERE’S A POTATO

Promenade Sentimentale

I walk across the globe just to leave trails,

expecting you to adhere,

to chaperon my being for your bestowal.

I cross different universes just to descry your world.

I wait a thousand years just to draw near your hailing. 

I encounter deaths and lives to draw up the hereafter of your soul.

I master lessons in hence your kind performs. 

 Thus a Lion behaves as a Lamb.

What I devour shall I treasure. 

For you, 

The maw I shall lade in emptiness.

For you,

I desire to reiterate the thousand years journey.

I am willing to endure another torments and mortality,

just to find the girl with the Flaxen hair once again. 

Amid, the sentimental walk avails your love.

Based on; Edward Cullen & Bella Swan

Inspired by; Vladimir Cosma.

My Rhapsody

Is it just me?

Or is it something else?

Do you hear what I hear?

I hear sounds,

the kinds that every living creatures make.

I understand people form the melody.

The tones they make.

When they are merry,

when they are somber,

or when they are enraged.

Sometimes when people are quite,

I can still catch the sound of their thoughts.

The rumbling sound from deep inside their consciousness.

The hissing sound from the detained weeps.

The desolation of their lost soul.

Am I mentally ill?

I can hear you right now.

The timbres and vibrations,

when you speak each word inside your head.

I like your voice.

I like it when you read the whole thing and then frown.

I can hear your heart is beating faster now.

Pity Party

Black balloons instead of pastels.

One broken chair and dusty tapestries.

Horror movies instead of rock bands.

Melted hard-candies and artificial chocolate flavor.

Thunder paper-cuts, the melody of rain, a tear drop of pity.

Let’s talk about Pegasus and Nymph.

Don’t call the Banshee.

Joining me here,

Myself to my own pity party.

 

Into The Woods

What are those green things up there? They are dancing with the wind. Should I dance too?

What is that thing that moves to the hilt of the ravine? It is cold when I touch it. Should I touch it again?

What are these grey and black uneven things? Some of them are big, some are small. But they are all hard when I clutch my hands around them. There are the round ones, but there are also some with the rough and even sharp edges. Should I squeeze them harder?

What are these tall things all around me? Their bodies are so long! But the smell is like nothing I have ever tasted in the place where I used to live. There’s nothing quite like this smell. I can lean on to the concrete logs without breaking them.Should I smell them one by one and then lean on again until I need to go and find something else?

Into the woods, I am walking into the woods with my bare foot.

Into the woods, I am running into the woods with my heart beating as fast as the pace I take.

Into the woods, I can see things people can’t where they live now.

Into the woods, I don’t want to leave.

Into the woods, my soul belongs here.

Into the woods, nothing can stop me from going deeper.

Into the woods, the deeper I get the more my body resists to be alive.

Into the woods, what can you find here?

Into the woods,

Everything….