Nowhere Boy

He looks a little ignorant. I did not mean to stare at him the whole way, but there is just something about him that intrigues me to just…stare. 

I, we, have been stuck in the subway for as long as I can remember. He got in first because when the train stopped at my station, he was already there. After three stations have passed, he is still in the same position when I got in. He is so fixated on what’s in the book which does not bother to be lifted up to his face, instead, he bows slightly to read it. The book is placed in between his legs.

I am so interested to know what he is listening to because if you look at his frown, maybe it is something like a complicated music or maybe it is because of the book. I don’t know. He never looks up to catch my gaze, or anything around him really. He is kind of cute in this sad dim light under the tunnel. I am guessing, he is an artist or writer. I think I am guessing too much. I can just walk up to him and ask. The seat beside him is roomy enough for me to cramp in.

My eyes are heavy now. I think all of today’s caffeine intake has long flushed away from peeing every 30 minutes. I stayed too long in the office and it is already 9 pm. I should have been asleep by now. Maybe I can close my eyes for 15 minutes. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

***

I feel movements from beside me. I open my eyes in a panic thinking I might have missed my stop. But I apparently, woke up just in time. So I gather all my things and run out of the train right before the door closes. Oh, is this his stop too? I turn myself around and look back through the window and see nobody there. Probably he got off long before me.

There is a little bit of sadness not knowing where he lives. Not specifically where just knowing what station he gets off is probably enough information for me.

So I walk down the same street I have always been passing every day for the last two years since I moved to New York from Vermont. My apartment is not a fancy one, but it is comfortable enough. I have a roommate and luckily she is my college best friend. She is taking her master degree in business at NYU. She convinced me to pursue my music career since I live in the Big Apple now or at least continue my master degree in Performing Arts. I have thought of that several times, but my parents have enough things on their plate already. I have two brothers who are currently still at school and an older sister that is selfish enough to walk away from the family to marry his drug addict jackass and move to India to sell joints.

So, my 4.0 GPA in Business is working pretty well. I work in a big IT company, it is quite famous worldwide, as a Business Analyst. I was scared at first, what if I am not actually qualified for this kind of job? But, my boss seems very pleased with my work.

“I’m home,” I say when I open the front door.

Katie’s half body shows up from the bedroom door, “hey, you hungry?’ she asks.

“Very,” I put my purse on the kitchen table. The apartment does not have that many doors if you walk straight right in from the door it will lead you directly to the kitchen, dining room,  and living room in one open big space. If you walk 20 steps forward, you’ll find a glass door facing the balcony and it has two chairs and round coffee table, spacy enough for me and Katie to enjoy tea time while looking down from the level 15th.

“I ordered us pizza, but because you forgot to call me you’d be late again,” Katie walked out of the bedroom still in her workout clothes that wrinkles here an there from doing Yoga too hard. “I ate up leaving you two slices in the microwave.” she opens up the microwave and pushes a cardboard plate with two huge slices of pizza.

I take one and the pizza is still warm. Katie pours me a glass of milk and serves herself one too. “You have been working so hard these days,” Katie says sitting beside me. “It is still not too late to sign up for the NYU’s summer admission.”

I sigh. “Katie, please…” I say in between chewing my pizza. “You can stop talking me into it every now and then. Don’t you think I am too old for that stuff?” I finish my first slice and onto the last. I am already full, but wishing Katie would leave me three slices instead of two.

“You’re only 23, Rose. Nothing is too old for you yet.”

I glare sharply at her calling me that name. My name is Rosalie, but I hate it when people call me Rose because people assume that I love flowers which I don’t. Anyway, it sounds so classic and too girly. So I always introduce myself as Alie.

“I won’t be graduating until at least next year, I won’t leave you until yours comes.” she puts her empty glass to the sink and enters the bathroom.

It is like she can read my mind. I am too scared living in a big city by myself. Katie is always looking after me. She is like an older sister to me more than my own sister. I was an odd kid back when I was in college. Scared of making new friends, so I instantly tailing on Katie when she was the only person who invited me to her birthday lunch.

I don’t hate my job, it pays me good money. But I know that I am not happy with my life right now. Should I really consider signing up for school? Will my parents support me, both financially and mentally?

I just hate uncertainties and unpredictabilities.

I hate possibilities and opportunities.

Because they always haunt me with ‘what if’ questions.

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November 9

November 9 by Colleen Hoover

This is my very first book review and my first Colleen Hoover’s book. I’ve seen people reading her books everywhere, but I don’t know somehow I hadn’t read one. When I bought this book, I read the little description behind it. It didn’t give me that curiosity I usually feel when I pick books. But I bought it because I hadn’t read the famous Colleen Hoover’s book.

Okay now onto the book.

What interests me from this book is that the two characters, Ben and Fallon. Why? Because Fallon is a lot like me; insecure about all things mostly about her physical looks, unconfident, always underestimate herself, and her head that is full of ‘what if’ questions. Maybe her character relates to so many girls in this world. And that is what makes her special, what makes this book is worth reading.

Ben. He is sweet, sometimes can be too cocky and blunt. But that is what I like about him. He reminds me of someone I know, I care about too. Okay, I’ll stop being personal here. Ben is so unexpected, or maybe he is too predictable. I don’t know. He can be both. He is smart. Fallon is smart too. They both are. But Ben always has his ways to outsmart Fallon, from the way he talks, the way he defends himself when Fallon starts to accuse him being all wrong.

The only part that I don’t fancy is the beginning of this book. I don’t want to give away the piece of the story because it will be a spoiler. But, really if there is someone who dares to do that unexpected thing like what Ben did in the beginning of the book, seems like impossible. I mean, it is not a smooth opening for a romance book. It is just too easy, too instant.

I could already predict the end of the story, like who actually Ben is in the beginning. But I had no idea that the story would have such a plot twist like that. I mean, IT WAS JUST AWSOME.

My MOST FAVORITE part in this book is, of course the romance itself! When Ben and Fallon are so in love they can’t be separated! I love how they’re connection is just so…..real. Like I could feel what Fallon feels when they fall in love with each other, when the uncertainty is always in the middle on their way, when they have fights and doubts, but when they’re sure about each other that what touches me the most!

I smiled the whole way through the very last page of this book. Ben and Fallon. They’re just like every other relationship in this world.

I even thought about doing the same thing, like Ben and Fallon do. One day, every year, for maybe a year because I’ll be 23 this year. So, yeah…….

I don’t know….. I can’t really express what I’m thinking about this book. Like no words can really describe anything about this book.

I love Colleen Hoover! I’m addicted to her books now….

So Close

A life goes by,
Romantic dreams must die.
So I bid my goodbye
And never knew.


My body was tensed as I heard those words.

My brain replayed the scenes from the past within the beats from afar.

My heart ached from the joyful remembrance.


So close to reaching
That famous happy end.
Almost believing
This one’s not pretend.


I rose up from the breech of my two-level bed, too fast I bumped my head into the bed stairs.

But those words chocked me up, I couldn’t gulp.

The humming behind the rhythm, the hiss within the lapsed lyrics, the pain for the unexplained tears inside my sleepless eyes.

Everything was perceptible. My whole body was observing its soul. It pulled me back in.


Oh how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?


Without alert, the air around me pushed my senseless body to the door. My boneless hand tried to reached out for the key to be turned unlock. Even with my head shaking, I was seduced to breathe in the odor of old memories. I breezed like a snowman in a hot summer day at my lawn across from the blurry chants. My eyes were locked to somewhere only we know about, where I used to bundle myself with the giggles of hilarity. I flew away to another world of horror. My body shivered, my tongue tied, my eyes unblinking, I was ready to be slayed.


Let’s go on dreaming
for we know we are…
so close, so close
and still so far…


Everything stopped in one motion after your lips stopped the mundane warming voice, when the finishing line has reached its final timbre. The tears I held back, the pain I concealed, the heartbeats I halted, they were the ones which showed up the moment you realized something.

“Did I sing too loud?”

My mouth opened. It was dangling around the edges of my chin. But why would I be silent in the moment of truth?

“I’m sorry if I wrecked your hearing with my reckless voice.”

“No, it was beautiful as always. It was ear-catching. It warmed up my mind.” was that suppose  to be me, saying it out loud, inside my head?

“I’ll stop singing.” You reached out for your ugly towel which was hanging between our destiny to catch each other’s glance.

“No, don’t stop! Keep singing the same song.” I couldn’t help myself from being so quite.

“Bye,” you about to close your door until I cried. Like a baby.

“I’m sorry for everything, for being who I am, for loving you.” My lips were trembling. I started to feel the snow in my palms which there was no any.

You popped back out between a small gap in your door. “Pardon?”

“I’m sorry for not being who I was supposed to be, for ignoring all the tenderness you tried to give me, for the caring questions that concerned you so much.”

You startled.

“All that I wanted to be was a perfect dignitary for you, but it seemed to daunt you which terrorized me.”

“You are too perfect, it imperfect-ed me. I feel like I pushed you away from the crowd’s attention for being your imperfection. You were the queen and always will be. I was just a soldier, fought for your honor, not to be the king with your honor.”

“I couldn’t find you in my imperfection if you’re too perfect, even for my own perfection. You couldn’t fight for my honor because you owned it. I was not the queen because I was the war you had to battle.”

You sighed in misery.

“I know, you hoped I’d told you that once upon a time. I know, nothing can change now or ever. I’m just sorry.”

You smiled. “I’m sorry too. I wished the Berlin Wall between us could be demolished like the real one.”

I found a giggle in us.

“But what we have is not a Berlin Wall, it’s The Great Wall of China. How many times you tried to walk over it, it’s just going to lead you to somewhere else on your side. Unless, one of us jumped off of it and die. For me, that’s never been the solution.”

“So, I better stay and keep walking?”

“Yes.”

I smiled though it hurts. But it hurts me more when you said everything like it was easy for me to take in.

“This song will remain so close from your heart to my eardrum. You put me into the song, you showed me this bitterly painful song. You are so close to me, yet too far for having you with me. You’re meant to be my ‘famous happy ending’, only if it’s a dream.”

For the last time, you smiled before that door closed alongside with my almost broken heart. I reached out once again, until I realized I hit my fingers into something hard. I faced the Great Wall of China in front of me, which I was rubbing now.

I finally visioned the yellow wall of my room, the iPod still repeating the song over and over until I unplugged my earphones and go back to sleep.