The Night We Met

This world is round. You will eventually go back to your starting point if you just keep moving in the same direction.

I don’t know what makes me walk in a loop. Probably it’s just me, being so heartless yet considerate at the same time. I am deceiving myself right now, making me think that it is okay to be the one who breaks this one-way relationship. But at the same time, I can’t.

This relationship has been going on for as long as I can remember. But I can’t recall the last time I could feel those butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her. But there was a moment when I could a whole zoo inside me. Where do all the animals go now?

“We can’t always do this!” I say when she curls her lips after an argument. “I said I am sorry,” I say again for thousands of times.

“But you should not have been late,” she whimpers from the passenger seat next to me. “You know today is important for me.”

Today is one of her best friend’s wedding and she wants us to come early before anybody so that she can take a picture with her group of friends. But hey I am a dude, I only slept for a good five hours after watching a football match last night. But I don’t tell her that because she would only go even nuttier. I woke up to her 35 missed calls and 15 unread messages full of anger and disappointment.

“Baby, please…” how painful it is to call her that but deep inside I feel nothing. I feel sorry for her and myself. “We are only late like…10 minutes! Do we really have to argue like this is a big thing?”

“Yes,” she says still pouting.

I can only sigh. Somehow this has been going on for quite sometimes, but maybe this is what is called relationship. You can’t always go sweet and smooth for so long without a single argument in between.

This stupid argument goes on until night and when I can’t take it anymore I finally go home and let her deal with all of her own drama. Tonight, I am contemplating again to break up with her. This is the moment! Just tell her you don’t want to deal with her childish attitude. I throw myself on my bed and it makes a squeaking sound.

I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath. All of these thoughts start coming to my head. The questions I have always been asking to myself since the night we met.

I met her in class, we were classmates in college, but never been friends. I don’t remember having a crush on her, but I am not sure how we somehow got closer. I was a flirt back then. People told me, “Dude, it is not fair! You can flirt with girls and they will always fall for you easily.” they were all just spitballing, I thought. So when she came around, I tried to prove that it is not true what they said. I know I was a flirt, but I only do it with girls I wanted to date not just to random ones. But this time, it was my mistake to try and prove nothing to nobody and now I am trapped in this dead end.

I remembered it was fun, that is all. I don’t remember falling in love with her, until one day I asked myself “Why do I keep hitting on her though I am not in love?” but I was so angry to myself that I kept on going. I could see she was already falling for me and I know I could not just cut everything off for the reason that I was just playing with her because it was fun to do. I was a total jerk but never wanted to admit. So instead of hurting her, we finally dated.

No, I will not deny it. The first months of our relationship went smooth and just like any other newly dated couple. It was fresh and full of love. I started thinking, maybe I actually love her but just never wanted to admit it. We were once in a honeymoon phase, yes just like any other typical relationship.

As times went by, this doubt started to come and grew even stronger. Arguments started to be a part of our daily routine. Every little thing I do seems to be annoying for her. The longer this relationship goes, the more I become so vulnerable. All it needs to take is to say goodbye and that everything will be over. But I can’t! I have been waiting for her to be the one who ends it. But she never did! I have tried so many ways to make her feel like it is enough, but whenever it happens she has always been the one who fights for this relationship, for us to work out. What is it that she does not want me to go?! What is so special in me that she keeps fighting for this hopeless romance?! Why would she keep fighting for something I can’t give her?! Why did I even do this in the first place if I know I would only hurt her now?! 

I squeeze my eyes tight. I can no longer do this! If I keep this relationship going, I will only hurt us more. I plead a little inside. All I can picture in my head is her face crying, full of anger, sadness, and disappointment. What should I say if she asks the reason why I am giving up this easy? She never cheated on me, I have never cheated on her. We are fine, at least until this point. But I can’t keep lying to myself, deceiving myself to force to love her even if I am not. Goddamn it! What should I do?!

The buzz from my phone snaps me out of the parallel world. I take it out from my pocket and I see her name on my phone screen. “Hey, I am sorry for acting so childish and annoying today. Have a good rest, I love you.” I contemplate to bring this up and make another argument. But those three last words…I can’t do this! I don’t want to hurt her, but I am hurting her at the same time. She thinks I am still in love with her, damn! 

I need to go back to the night we met. I need to rummage some of the old memories to find my answer. To find the reason for letting go. To look for a single captured moment where it was love, not just a game. I need to go back to that night, the one we first met. Maybe I can find something, maybe it will be my answer.


November 9

November 9 by Colleen Hoover

This is my very first book review and my first Colleen Hoover’s book. I’ve seen people reading her books everywhere, but I don’t know somehow I hadn’t read one. When I bought this book, I read the little description behind it. It didn’t give me that curiosity I usually feel when I pick books. But I bought it because I hadn’t read the famous Colleen Hoover’s book.

Okay now onto the book.

What interests me from this book is that the two characters, Ben and Fallon. Why? Because Fallon is a lot like me; insecure about all things mostly about her physical looks, unconfident, always underestimate herself, and her head that is full of ‘what if’ questions. Maybe her character relates to so many girls in this world. And that is what makes her special, what makes this book is worth reading.

Ben. He is sweet, sometimes can be too cocky and blunt. But that is what I like about him. He reminds me of someone I know, I care about too. Okay, I’ll stop being personal here. Ben is so unexpected, or maybe he is too predictable. I don’t know. He can be both. He is smart. Fallon is smart too. They both are. But Ben always has his ways to outsmart Fallon, from the way he talks, the way he defends himself when Fallon starts to accuse him being all wrong.

The only part that I don’t fancy is the beginning of this book. I don’t want to give away the piece of the story because it will be a spoiler. But, really if there is someone who dares to do that unexpected thing like what Ben did in the beginning of the book, seems like impossible. I mean, it is not a smooth opening for a romance book. It is just too easy, too instant.

I could already predict the end of the story, like who actually Ben is in the beginning. But I had no idea that the story would have such a plot twist like that. I mean, IT WAS JUST AWSOME.

My MOST FAVORITE part in this book is, of course the romance itself! When Ben and Fallon are so in love they can’t be separated! I love how they’re connection is just so…..real. Like I could feel what Fallon feels when they fall in love with each other, when the uncertainty is always in the middle on their way, when they have fights and doubts, but when they’re sure about each other that what touches me the most!

I smiled the whole way through the very last page of this book. Ben and Fallon. They’re just like every other relationship in this world.

I even thought about doing the same thing, like Ben and Fallon do. One day, every year, for maybe a year because I’ll be 23 this year. So, yeah…….

I don’t know….. I can’t really express what I’m thinking about this book. Like no words can really describe anything about this book.

I love Colleen Hoover! I’m addicted to her books now….

So Close

A life goes by,
Romantic dreams must die.
So I bid my goodbye
And never knew.

My body was tensed as I heard those words.

My brain replayed the scenes from the past within the beats from afar.

My heart ached from the joyful remembrance.

So close to reaching
That famous happy end.
Almost believing
This one’s not pretend.

I rose up from the breech of my two-level bed, too fast I bumped my head into the bed stairs.

But those words chocked me up, I couldn’t gulp.

The humming behind the rhythm, the hiss within the lapsed lyrics, the pain for the unexplained tears inside my sleepless eyes.

Everything was perceptible. My whole body was observing its soul. It pulled me back in.

Oh how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?

Without alert, the air around me pushed my senseless body to the door. My boneless hand tried to reached out for the key to be turned unlock. Even with my head shaking, I was seduced to breathe in the odor of old memories. I breezed like a snowman in a hot summer day at my lawn across from the blurry chants. My eyes were locked to somewhere only we know about, where I used to bundle myself with the giggles of hilarity. I flew away to another world of horror. My body shivered, my tongue tied, my eyes unblinking, I was ready to be slayed.

Let’s go on dreaming
for we know we are…
so close, so close
and still so far…

Everything stopped in one motion after your lips stopped the mundane warming voice, when the finishing line has reached its final timbre. The tears I held back, the pain I concealed, the heartbeats I halted, they were the ones which showed up the moment you realized something.

“Did I sing too loud?”

My mouth opened. It was dangling around the edges of my chin. But why would I be silent in the moment of truth?

“I’m sorry if I wrecked your hearing with my reckless voice.”

“No, it was beautiful as always. It was ear-catching. It warmed up my mind.” was that suppose  to be me, saying it out loud, inside my head?

“I’ll stop singing.” You reached out for your ugly towel which was hanging between our destiny to catch each other’s glance.

“No, don’t stop! Keep singing the same song.” I couldn’t help myself from being so quite.

“Bye,” you about to close your door until I cried. Like a baby.

“I’m sorry for everything, for being who I am, for loving you.” My lips were trembling. I started to feel the snow in my palms which there was no any.

You popped back out between a small gap in your door. “Pardon?”

“I’m sorry for not being who I was supposed to be, for ignoring all the tenderness you tried to give me, for the caring questions that concerned you so much.”

You startled.

“All that I wanted to be was a perfect dignitary for you, but it seemed to daunt you which terrorized me.”

“You are too perfect, it imperfect-ed me. I feel like I pushed you away from the crowd’s attention for being your imperfection. You were the queen and always will be. I was just a soldier, fought for your honor, not to be the king with your honor.”

“I couldn’t find you in my imperfection if you’re too perfect, even for my own perfection. You couldn’t fight for my honor because you owned it. I was not the queen because I was the war you had to battle.”

You sighed in misery.

“I know, you hoped I’d told you that once upon a time. I know, nothing can change now or ever. I’m just sorry.”

You smiled. “I’m sorry too. I wished the Berlin Wall between us could be demolished like the real one.”

I found a giggle in us.

“But what we have is not a Berlin Wall, it’s The Great Wall of China. How many times you tried to walk over it, it’s just going to lead you to somewhere else on your side. Unless, one of us jumped off of it and die. For me, that’s never been the solution.”

“So, I better stay and keep walking?”


I smiled though it hurts. But it hurts me more when you said everything like it was easy for me to take in.

“This song will remain so close from your heart to my eardrum. You put me into the song, you showed me this bitterly painful song. You are so close to me, yet too far for having you with me. You’re meant to be my ‘famous happy ending’, only if it’s a dream.”

For the last time, you smiled before that door closed alongside with my almost broken heart. I reached out once again, until I realized I hit my fingers into something hard. I faced the Great Wall of China in front of me, which I was rubbing now.

I finally visioned the yellow wall of my room, the iPod still repeating the song over and over until I unplugged my earphones and go back to sleep.