It is not difficult to close your eyes but to open them after they have been shut for a long time will be the hardest. I become sightless, benumbed, and then automatically forfeit. I am too torn between the judgment as a deficient self and as nothing more than a cipher. I concede to all the possibilities. I have changed my way to never let myself beguile the falsity of desire gets in the way of chasing real love. What is love, anyway? Open your eyes, you will be surprised by the unexpected.
Where are we? Oh, we are back to this desolate place that we call our minds. This time, it is only the two of us. We can have this place for ourselves. We can waste tonight with each other, barely.
“If only to discern what was real and what was not is in my book, would it be different now?” we stay in nothingness as each other’s interlocutor.
He shrugs. He is towering above me, standing so still across this isolated empty dark room. I feel so small compared to whatever he is. I feel like, a little mouse trying to run away and hide from her own destiny to be eaten by this huge grey cat, those eyes… they reflect such hunger. He wants me, he wants my soul. The soul that I have been trying to build after waking up from my previous death. The soul that I will gladly give him in the end.
I am trapped with no way to run. I am locked in with him.
“You’re here,” I say without enunciating a word of it. He can scarcely fathom the angst within me. He strides across the room, reaching for my presence.
“I’m here.”
I overhear him slowly holding the oxygen in the back of his throat. No heartbeat. No heat. No eyesight. Nothing, but a rising tense between jitters and longing.
“Why are you here?” I say with my back rests on the invisible wall. The wall that we have been ignoring for all this time. That is what we do best, no? Ignoring all the existent things that might keep us up when we are too drained out by the world. The support of a dying system.
“Because you want me to.” He maintains to look away from where I am. As much as I want to look deep into his eyes, to find something inside him, I let him ignore my wondering desire.
“Are you still scared of me now?” It is ghastly how we both are frightened of each other’s well-being for explicitly different intentions.
He nods still facing away.
I am screaming for him to look at me, but the agony feels harder when I am only demanding things inside my own head.
“Why did you come now? Why not years ago?” my voice is cracking when the past starts to echo in my head.
“I wish I did,” he says in anguish.
“The timing was never right.”
“That is what I have said multiple times.” it is obvious that I have been the one that makes the time amiss.
“I can make it up to you,” I say limping towards him. “I can redeem all the losing times we keep passing.”
He shakes his head. “I come here in such an improper time. I should have not been here by now. I don’t think I can make anybody happy at this point.” his eyes reflect all the secrecy I need to solve. All the pains, all the anger, all of his darkness. If I could, if the world would let me, I would command him to cede everything he feels inside to me.
I put my finger on his lips, shutting up his world. The more he talks, the more I am on the urge to endure his intricacy.
“The truth is, as much as you think you are here only to make me happy…” as I say locking his eyes. “You’re wrong.”
He stays silent.
My body transfers heat and now we’re both sweating in the cold of this empty dark room.
“I am as scared as you are,” I point out the truth. “I have always been scared. We are both scared of two different reasons. But here we are, finally.”
“But if we are scared for our whole lives, we outdare God’s plan. I don’t know what His plan is, but I know He is up to something good for us.” He lets go of my hand from his lips but he holds on to it on his side. He smiles, the warmest I have ever seen in him for all those years we had been missing.
As the oddity of me biting my bottom lip cannot be detained, I let myself to sip in the blood that comes out from it. All the years without witnessing how hefty he has become, I have grown vigorous along the way. I have witnessed my own death, I have deprived the existence of a submissive captive for my own contentment, I have lived and died at the same time. But I have never discovered the palpable purpose of enduring such excruciating and reprehensible life. Yet, he keeps choking me with his past and he puts me in chains, not letting me get closer even just an inch to his future. But, now I know why. I know that for my whole life I have been prepared for this kind of battle. For this war of hearts. Even when I have to fight him myself in the war zone to win his prolonged morrow as the prize, I will.
FreeWords 